Does divorce have to change your life forever?

United States
October 5, 2009 9:44am CST
I am relatively new to this whole forum. However, I can see the potential to generate some strong interaction for the purpose of helping myself and perhaps others at the same time. I have been divorced for ten years now. One morning while getting ready for work, I found a note from my now ex-wife questioning why we were still together. At the time we had two daughters, a two year old and a five year old. On reading the note, I almost collapsed to the ground. I had no idea we were drifting apart. She was very involved in her work, mostly nights and weekends. Subsequently, I played a big role in caring for our children. As a result, our time together was becoming more limited. I new in my heart that as we improved it would not always be that way. Over the next few months I made every effort to make some changes in an effort to save our marriage. I even attended couples therapy at the request of my ex-wife only to find out later that she was only in it for herself. To make a long story short, despite my efforts to save the marriage, my ex kept pushing me away and made my life so difficult that I had to move out. Within months I learned that she had a boy friend. I believe it had been going on for some time and that she was drawn to he for financial reasons. That a aside, the divorce finally came and she was re-married a year later. As the years progressed, she made every effort possible to alienate my children from me and to make things very difficult. I believe it was her intention to make things so difficult for me that I would just give up and let her have the children full time. I never did give up and as difficult as it became made every effort to see and be with my children. It eventually cost me my career. Five years after the divorce, I found the love of my life and re-married. We have a beautiful daughter together. My ex still makes things difficult when it comes to my older girls. Her unwillingness to be amicable when it comes to the children is affecting my wife and young daughter. She will not acknowledge my wife whatsoever and never engages in any conversation about the children unless she needs money. My oldest daughter now 17 rarely comes to see us anymore as her mother's influence has finally taken over. My 14 year old still comes now and then, but appears to be following the same path as her older sister now that she is in high school. I guess through the thick of all this, does it every end? I have set aside my dislike for my ex long ago and have tired to move on. However, she will not. Despite the fact that she has a wonderful husband, beautiful home and now one of my daughters. My mother (yes my mother) told me that it is time to focus on yourself, your wife and young daughter and let the older daughters go. "You have done all you can for them" she said. I agree with her on this. However, they are still my girls and I love them very much. Looking forward, I know things will still be difficult when they are adults because of their mother's influence. I try to remain positive and focus on my family. I know this is a lot and maybe some of you out there have gone through and are going through a similar situation. Any comments and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
1 person likes this
2 responses
@jennysp8 (855)
• United States
8 Oct 09
Without going into too long of a story, I came from a divorced family. During my moody high school years, I didn't want ANYTHING to do with my parents, let alone the non-custodial parent. To spend a weekend or any time with that other parent meant not having "my time". Selfish? Totally. But, that's how it was. I was told (since 2nd grade) what a horrible person my father is. Turns out, it was my mother who was the evil "witch"...I didn't realize that until years later into early adulthood. Let your daughters know that you are there for them and give them their time. You will see that in the years to come, as they mature, they will be able to see the truth from the lies. Good luck!!!
• United States
9 Oct 09
I greatly appreciate your perspective on this. It sounds as though you have gone through quite a bit yourself. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
5 Oct 09
Do not give up on your girls. If you continue to let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what (as a parent should be), then eventually they will learn to appreciate you. Don't forget that right now they are in the middle of their teen years. This is the MOST self centered period of life! I'm sure it doesn't help that your ex-wife has tried to alienate them from you. Don't let that ruin your relationship with your girls. Perhaps, right now, as teenagers they just need some space and they need to figure things out. I think it would be okay not to "force" you relationship, but at the same time, just don't give up completely. Time does pass. Kids do grow up. Perhaps once they become adults and are away from their mothers influence, their perspective will change greatly. As for your current wife. I hope she can TRY not to let your ex-wife's rudeness get to her. She should just try to realize that the EX simply has issues and YOU can't fix them. Just deal with her as little as possible. The older your girls get, the less you will have to deal with her. Everything in life is temporary...just keep moving forward. Again, I strongly urge you not to give up on your girls? Although you mentioned your EX being rude to your current wife, I didn't notice you mentioning that your girls have gone out of their way to be rude to your current wife or your young daughter. If that's true than I take that as a huge positive on the side of your daughters. What do you think now that I have given you these things to think about?
• United States
6 Oct 09
I greatly appreciate your input. It is always beneficial to receive outside input. I agree with you 100% and would never give up on my daughters. Although they may not spend as much time with me as they used to, they will always know that I love them at that they are always welcome in my home. They actually love their little sister which is a big plus. They have not gone out of their way to be rude to my wife. However, they do have their moments. After all they are teenage girls with a very influential mother to boot. Thank you again for your words of wisdom. God bless.