Help!!!!! My wife gets "historical" everytime we have a quarrel. (not a typo)

Some people have this ability to remember all the wrongs the other has made in his life. I have a friend I love very much except when I see her fighting with her husband. The man had no possibility at all. I don´t think it helps at all. I think it agravates the problem. But I don´t know how to make the person understand that he/she must stick to the problem they have now and not remember one they solved 10 years ago. Fortunatly, when I most hated my husband (who doesn´t?)I also remembered good times and that helped a lot to solve the present injuries. If you only remember the bad times, it´s a sure way to end up in divorce.

'historical' lol, that's funny :P I think it's a way to gain the upper hand in the arguement and no lol, don't think it can help resolve the conflict, just adds to it. I would suggest to your friend to ask her when she starts to bring up past if it helps and how...what is gained but more hurt. To ask(calmly of course) to stick to the problem at hand so that it may be resolved more quickly and less painfully. Good luck to you, your friend & his love. :)

Yea, she can't remember the conversation we had yesterday UNLESS it can be used against me at a later time.

your friend's wife is not the only wife that seems to be historical these days, there are lots of women out there that is just like your friend's wife. Women tend to more historical it's just because of the negative deeds that have done by his husband and a woman don't want to repeat it again that is why she is making those things as an example, or a reminder to him so that it won't happen again.

Apparently she has no forgotten how he hurt her in the past which is normal but she has to learn to get past that and move on. She may be trying to inflict pain on the guy but it does not help matters

I think she's not the only woman that becames historical when you have a discussions. I don't know exactly why but girls remember every moment they have felt hurt with you when you have a discussion or you have done something wrong.

i know what you mean by bringing up past issues. you need to tell her the past is indeed history and that you will not be talking to her if she keeps doing this. maybe you should just walk away when she is historical.

You need to get " historical " in the reverse sense. Think if things that worked in the past in your favour rather than against you. If you do this often enough she might change her tactic. Then you'll have something different to deal with.

Well it depends. Is she throwing anything and everything that you ever did back in your face? Or are you doing the same mistakes over and over again? It's not right to yell at you about things that are over and done with that you're sorry about and haven't done again. But if there are things that really bother her that you keep on doing, she has a right to be upset that nothing has changed.

I am also guilty of getting historical during a fight. Usually to prove my point and back it up with past events. Sometimes it does help as my boyfriend realizes that he should stop making the same mistakes over and over again. Other times it just adds more fuel to the fight

Most women are like that. They try hard to dig into the past just to inflict pain and miseries to their husbands or lets say fiances. Even i have experienced such situation at home sometimes. Just try to ignore their remarks and slowly they'll get tired of such things in the future. Be strong, my friend, STRONG!!!

Guys, not all women wants to dig the past up, you know. When an issue comes up, i tend to talk about it a lot. So that when it's done and over with, there will be no more digging. The past should stay in the past...unless, you keep messing up and doing the same thing over and over, of course.

If issues are left to loom and grudges held, there can only be a couple reasons for that. This is apparently why she feels the need to dig up the past. If issues are resolved and understandings made, then there would be no reason to continue holding on to it. Apparently things aren't getting resolved. It's hard to say why they aren't. Maybe she isn't communicating herself clearly or fully enough, maybe he is either not understanding her, not trying to understand her, or hard of hearing? Maybe there are too many reasons no one can actually know going on in their relationship that has lead them to a place where they are dealing with too many unresolved issues. But when resolutions are accomplished, and the understanding is made, and she feels truly as if she is loved and cared for through that effort to make resolution or for one or the other change if necessary, then she would have no desire to hold on to past problems. It would be finished and move on. I know, because I spent too many years dealing with relationships that didn't work because of these issues. Nothing ever got resolved. For various reasons. But I married a man who I am in love with deeply, he feels the same. And we are so damn happy with each other, that when little problems do come up, and they will, we work through them quickly, and fully, and without any hesitation. It becomes a mission for both of us, to work it out and reach and understanding, so we can get back to being happy. Each situation is different when dealing with relationships. And there's no way to really know what is actually going on or needed unless you are in that situation. I hope this helps. One thing I can say about my husband, he is not in the least bit afraid to discuss anything in depth, and wishes only to see me happy, and vice versa. It's definitely a give and take. If he really wishes to know why she get's "historical" that means he has to ask, and be prepared to hear whatever it is she may be thinking or feeling in depth WITHOUT getting bent or chosing to stomp off. He has also to own up and show her gently how much he cares. He can do this by simply wanting to know. That will tell her a lot all on it's own. But the way it sounds, I wouldn't be surprised if he got his booty ripped and she wouldn't trust him on his word that he actually truly cares. He will just have to take that I guess if he really and truly wants her to be happy and wishes to live forward and not in the past. Sensitivity, patience, and a little humility may be required. Tall order, but that's what he'll have to do if he wishes her to be happy with him.

Bringing up the past only creates more problems in the present. I can't say I've never done this, but I try to catch myself when I do so I can stop. We often make things worse and sound like nags in the process. If we just stopped to think how much we would hate it if someone threw every little mistake we've ever made in our faces during an argument, we would probably do it less. I realized that I had to REALLY forgive certain things he's said or done and lay them to rest for good for the strength and success of my marriage. It's hard to move forward in our relationships when we're always thinking back.

Hi manong, Oh I have done that....guilty as charged. I don't mean to but sometimes when I get really wound up it has happened. I don't think it helps and it certainly is not right at all. If anything it is bound to make the argument even more heated. I think that when we do that it is not meant to hurt the other person so much as it is hurts that we still maybe haven't gotten beyond. I'm not sure. With me that is what it seems to be. I think being aware of it can help. I mean, I know that if I get into an argument with someone I conciously make an effort to stick to the matter at hand and not bring a bunch of other stuff into the mix. Maybe if your friend had a talk with her at a time when they were not arguing and told her how this made him feel...maybe it would help.

i think one should send her to intel or AMD for verfication as to how a good memory works. they may be able to design a memory chip that can recall things when given a hint. its in the nature of human beings to dig up the past to get even when you are not able to get across anyone. best thing to do is to keep quiet.

This is something which I hate to do and I hate others to do to me. My husband never did it to me and he create quarrels very rarely. I am the person who digs history in case of problems. I am sure that I should not do that and eveybody irritates that. But, I am helpless about it. Your discussion is a reminder for me to avoid that habit. Thanks.

I think everyone does this from time to time. Anytime anyone feels like they are being attached they will bring up anything they can to defend themselves, including the past. In most cases, it's because they know they are wrong. There really is not much you can do about it...my husband and I just made an agreement that once something is in the past it stays there. You are only reliving the hurt by bringing it up again. It accomplishes nothing.

I think there is so much to take in resolving such situation in recalling your past events. I have also in that kind of relationship, once we had a misunderstanding my boyfriend always recall the wrong things that I did before which I confronted to him. We always argued about why he kept recalling my past.

i think the problem to this is becasue ppl will say that i will do this and that and finally when they have some problem ppl tend to recall wat the others have said and they will not think wat they said in the past. so i suggest that dont give out words which u cannot fulfill and if u think that u can fulfill the things which u have said in the past or in the upcoming future then do it no matter wat the cost is this way u can reduce the problems which u face gradually think wat is the root cause for the problem and then decide upon how to over come the problem there is nothing in this world which is impossible always be happy