Why do some battered wives stay? domestic violence #2

I have counselled many women in this situation and I still don't understand. With most of them, the underlying problem is fear - fear of reprimand, fear of bigger hurts,(often the husband has threatened to kill them if they leave) fear of the future, fear of being able to support themselves, especially if children are involved, fear of loss of their children (he has told her they will be taken from her if she leaves) fear of loneliness, fear . . . A very big feature of these women is a lack of self esteem. Not only have they been physically abused, but they have been brainwashed into thinking they are worthless. They KNOW they can't make it on their own. I have seen hope. They are down, but hope they might be able to change enough to please him, or that he will change. (once again this is fed by fear) It is a big problem that seems to be getting bigger.

well, i think it is because that after a period of time with the man telling the wife that no one likes them, they are useless, etc, they start believing it. lots of these women have no money or means to take care of themselves either.

To me, its mostly coz they are dependent on their husbands for their daily bread. Nothing can deny the fact the survival is the foremost thought in a person’s mind in any situation and in most cases where wives continue to stay inspite of domestic violence is because she has nowhere else to go. Take India for example. Domestic violence is rampant here and its only recently that society has started noticing it. Traditionally, women never worked for money and it was their role to take care of home and hearth. Once the parents married off their daughters, their responsibility ended there and it was the husband’s and in-laws duty to take care of the girl. Societal pressure was so rigid and anti-woman, that it was actually thought of as insulting if a battered married girl wanted to leave her husband and return to her parents! Few parents encouraged their married daughters to open their mouth and speak ill about their in-laws! The situation has hardly improved over time. Economics is the prime factor here…India is patriarchal society and marrying girls off is a very expensive proposition for the parents…so once you spend so much money to marry off your daughter and if you have to take her back after a few years and maintain her for the rest of her life…it becomes economically impossible for most parents. Also, education amongst girls is also not that popular even a few decades back…without education and an opportunity to employ themselves, most girls knew that they would be an unwelcome addition to their parents house…so they just suffered and stayed on!

My own personal opinion is that some women who are abused by their husband or boyfriend are brainwashed by the abuser. The abuser apologizes and seem genuinely sorry until the next time they lose their temper. Alot of women probably think that life outside of the marriage or relationship may be alot worse. I do feel sorry fro these women. No one deserves to be abused. They are brainwashed into thinking that they are no good or not good enough to be happy and not abused. I personally would not put up with that kind of treatment by anyone. Also some women would rather be abused than to see their kids abused. I think that is why some women don't do anything about it because of their kids.

A friend of mine had an abusive husband and she is still with him now, I do not understand why she is still with him but I have my own ideas As well as being physically abusive these men are also mentally abusive. I think they are also manipulative. So the women falls hopefully in love with the man thinking he is prince charming but once they move in together or get married that is often when the abuse will start. On the mans side of things I feel it is a power thing, on the womens she is made to feel like it was her fault in some way. Or the man claims it is a one off and won't happen again, while all the time they slowly chip away at the womens self esteem. I think some of these women have been so badly abuse mentally as well as physically that they truely believe they cannot survive on their own, or that if they did get away then it would make the man more angry and they will find them again anyway, So as well as the fear factor it is also the lack of self esteem and confidence in the women. But I believe the abuse they are put through makes them this way. I maybe way off track but I don't think I am. As I have never had an abusive partner I do not know exactly what goes through the womens head. But I think I would be strong enough to walk away for the sake of my kids, as if a man can hit a women he would hit your kids.

Well in my opinion battered wives stay because: 1. financial reason, she can't make any money in any manner whatsoever, so she force herself to stay despite being beaten. 2. security reason, she's too afraid what her husband would do if she try to divorce or escape. 3. keeping the family together, she want to keep the family together for the sake of her children or other family member by sacrificing herself. and another reason probably which i can't think about at the moment.

The abuse starts way before the hitting starts. The guy or girl basically verbally and emotionally abused the person, then comes the beatings; by the time the beating began the person who is verbally abused and emotionally abused perception of love is so screwed up that it seems as if it's okay. The abuser basically manipulate the other person by sowing them how they use to be, so it makes the person who is getting abused think that they must be doing something wrong to cause the person to act that way. Also, often times the abuser is isolated from friends and family. By that time fear set in. So basically the person getting physically abused, perception is screwed up because of the abuser and fear. That is the cure in which people getting physically abuse stay. It also doesn't help if they grew up in a home in which domestic violence occur.

Wife stay for her children and for the sake of having a whole family they would face the abusive husband because women are made to built and not to destroy. They are trying to mend the broken pieces, hoping for miracles that the man whom they love changes. This is a kind of false ope which make any battered women embrace domestic violence and face the madness of their partner. Most women who endure this kind of relationship are weakened by their love and for the reasons they are penniless if they are a simple plain housewife but the case is not an exemption as even highly intelligence, beautiful and rich women have also suffered the same fate as experience by unfortunate women. The final say it is a matter of toleration that is why domestic violence grow and never cease for a long time. As long as their are women who are afraid to fight for their rights and tolerate the ill treatment receives from their husband, domestic violence would not stop and the cycle goes to continue up to the next generation. Thus, women need to confront their fears and fight for their rights before being slaughter in their own home.

In most relationships, we dont know what happens behind closed doors. There are ome relationships where a blackmails a woman to keep her yet he cant treat her well. While some stay with thier husbands because of thier children. There are several reasons why women who are abused stay with thier men. I just home men who do this would realize that what the are doing does no good to the entire family

I agree with Cloudwatcher that self-esteem plays a major part. One battered wife I knew who had stayed with her husband for so long had been pretty much programmed to it by her mother. Her mother had resented the fact she was a girl and treated her so very differently to her brother and made her think she was worthless - because of this she ended up with a total moron who beat her.

In my experience of watching a friend go through this, I can say the guy beat down her self esteem psychologically before he ever started hitting her, and this woman who I knew previously as being strong and assertive ended up believing the classic lies - 'if I hadn't done this, or if I did do this, he wouldn't do it'. I also know that since I got married I have put up with things - not violence, but just emotional things, expectations, taking on a role - which I never never would have believed I would allow anyone to put on me. I am working to get my life back to something I recognize myself in again. So I have some understanding of how hard it is once you are inside a situation, as opposed to when you are outside looking in and can say 'of course I wouldn't put up with this'. Having said that, if my situation ever escalated to violence it would be the last straw and I believe I really would go.

There are several different reasons why they stay. I was in an abusive relationship once. He was my first true love. I was young and naive, he was older. I stayed because I loved him (or at least I thought I did) and he was all I knew. I didn't know that love could be any different. I felt sorry for him and thought if I was patient that he would see that I really loved him and he would stop hitting me. I thought I could help him. There were times I was scared to leave, because I was afraid of what he might do. Some women stay because of the children. they think it is better for a child to have both parents even if they have to listen to fighting. Some women are scared and do not think they can make it, especially if the man is the sole bread winner in the house.

Hi manong: thanks for opening this discussion. I think it's as important as the first one but it doesn't have an only answer. To be honest i would said that there are social, affective and economic reasons that make women stay: 1) Affective reasons: Some women still love their husbands even if they're violent that they can figure how life could be without them. That's probably stupid but sometimes love's blind. Some other women think they must stay because of their kids, they want to keep the family together for the sake of them. Unfortunetly a violent, disfontional family is no good for a little boy so their sacrifice actually could make their kids violent persons in the future. 2)Social reasons: Marriage is one of the main institutions in almost all societies. Some women prefered to lived in a lie that admit that they don't love their husbands and that actually they hit them so they have decided to ask for divorce. In some cases women don't receive support from their families so they won't accept so easily to take this decition. 3) economic reasons: even if you don't think something like this could happend it is just real! Some women prefered to be battered than asking divorce because their husbands represent economic stability. One of my teachers was beaten by his husband but she don't do anything because he is actually a very rich man and she probably prefer to stay with him for the stability and maybe for her family pressure. The reasons can be so deep and a mixture of the last three reasons but what i want to say that there's no real reason to accept this thing. Thanks for your post.

It's a sickness and they get abused to the point mentally also that they lose all self esteem and believe no one will ever want them, so they stay.

I think they are staying because of the children. Like here in our neighbor the husband beats his wife and it seems the wife don't have a plan to leave her husband. Sometimes I want to get angry to this women why they tolerate the beating for their husbands and it seems they are numb of it.

my ex husband physically and sexually abused me for 3 years,the reason i stayed with him was because it was easier than leaving,if i'd left when it first happened i would have gone back to him straight away,coz i wouldn't have been strong enough to say no,he wore me down so much that i thought no one would ever want me and i'd have no where to live and no money,but as the abuse got worse i got stronger,and one day after he nearly dislocated my jaw the night before i up and left to go to refuge,i've now been free of him for nearly 11yrs,and if he gets in contact i now stand up for myself,which does'nt like,but he hasn't got the courage to say anything coz he knows i'm stronger than him now,,,,,you can tell battered partners to leave as many times as you like,but they won't until THEY are ready

Some battered wives stay because of the children. Yes, some stay because they are too dependent on their husbands, don't have income of their own and they worry of how to support the children alone. Other stay because they want people to believe theirs is a happy marriage and devoid of any problem (yes, this happens). I pity those wives who cannot defend their rights and are too dependent on their husbands. It sometimes gets me angry having to offer advice when a co-worker seeks for it because I think she is so afraid of her husband and doesn't have the nerve to report the matter to agencies for the protection of women. We are getting tired of hearing her whinings because she is not even helping herself.

I used to stay with my ex because I didn't think I could have anything better. He eats you from the inside, you end up believing the horrible things he tells you and feeling the horrible things he does to you are right, that you deserve them, that you are nothing. And as nothing you don't have hope, you totally lose your self. Not leaving doesn't only depend on fear, but mostly from self esteem, after you have been with an abuser for a bit, you don't have that anymore. Then you also don't think life can be better, you don't try to leave.