Unsatisfied with How My Life Turned Out

Tweet

Okay, before I begin, I just want to apologise if this post feels more suited to a blog. I just want to get a few things off of my chest, and MyLot seems to be the perfect place to share my thoughts freely and in a mature environment. Throughout my life, it appears that no matter how hard I try, I've just never been satisfied with it. Every day I wake up and convince myself that I will "start life afresh, be a new person." Yet that day never arrives, and probably never will. For years now, it appears that I've lived in a state of never-ending depression that only I know about. For starters, interacting with others always feels tedious and frustrating. Whenever I have a conversation, I generally force myself to stay interested in what the other person is saying, nodding and agreeing at certain intervals. Although I hate feeling this way, deep down inside I am not interested in the slightest in what the other person is babbling on about, and my only thoughts are to end the conversation so I can walk away and be alone, all the while simply grinning and making them feel as though I am enjoying their presence. As I said, I hate feeling this way, yet I just cannot seem to get rid of it. My entire life, I've made new groups of friends, for which I know I must be privileged. However, out of all these groups, it has always felt like I'm the odd one out, like nobody cares about my presence in particular, merely that they have just come to terms with it. And it always seems that I'm the last to know about any "gossip" or happenings in the group, or just outright ignored. There have been many parties and events that I have missed out on because they "forgot about me" or "though I was busy." It seems like I've never had any friends that I can connect with or are genuinely interested about me. Finally, my family. I understand that I am very lucky to have the parents I have, and that they've shown me lots of genourosity over the years. However, I've always felt like the runt of the pack, over-shadowed by my younger siblings who receive praise on a regular basis. I walk into their rooms and see the numerous trophies and accolades scattered everywhere, and feel somewhat inadequate. This isn't helped by my parents, who constantly hint (and have blatantly said it outright on several occassions) that they are ashamed of me, and that I wasn't the son they had hoped for. I'm always criticised about my non-attractive looks and weak figure by others, usually in the form of a joke, yet it's obvious they are being serious about putting me down. Again, I'm sorry if this isn't much of a discussion, I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. Any advice, similar experiences or general discussion is much appreciated.