Houseguests - Update
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
December 3, 2009 12:53pm CST
I shared the other day about how my husband's friend from work was driving me crazy by staying at our house and I was unable to watch the television or actually feel comfortable in my own house.
I had the opportunity to talk with my husband about it the following day and that night Tim only came to our house to eat dinner with us and to take a shower, and then he took his things and left. He decided to sleep in his car for the night to give us a break.
Honestly, this really broke my heart because it isn't exactly warm outside and I knew that he would get cold. He's been sleeping in his car for the past three nights. His car needs a new transmission so it doesn't run. He will stay at the workplace inside until the night shift leaves and watches tv in the breakroom and then he will sleep in the car.
I would like to be able to figure out a way to help him some more, but I don't know what to do because I don't want to feel like I've lost my house again, but I also don't want to see the poor man freeze to death.
Now that the situation has changed, I'd like to know what you all would do next.
2 people like this
10 responses
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Hi girl
Is there a place in your town that will put up people on a temporary base until he can afford to get a place? I know also that some of the motels will let someone stay until they can get a place to live on discounted prices. He may be able to get into one of those low income homes quicker since he doesn't have a place to stay.
Or you could put down some rules that he can stay with you for only a such amount of time and then tell him that there will be tv time schedule. I hope things get worked out for you real soon.
Keep smiling.
1 person likes this
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Great ideas, Rose. We have such a motel in our own area, too. And then there are churches that help people, and DHS. He does have options, so that is good.
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I wish you and him the best. Let me know how that works out. Take care and keep smiling.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
Thanks for the suggestions. You've actually given me a thought that hadn't even crossed my mind to this point. Tim is a veteran and I wonder if he would be able to check with the VA and see if they had any leads for him as well.
@acer5540 (354)
• China
4 Dec 09
Hi, i totally know that feeling. When some friends of my husband come to visit us, i feel a little uneasy,though i can get over this feeling.I'm a little withdrawn with thoes guys not familiar, and not have too much to talk with them, so sometimes,when his friends or workmates come to our home, i just say hello to them,and then go on my own business, I konw it is not good manner,but i'm afriad that embarrassed feeling.
But if my friends come to our house, it is a different situation.I can talk freely with them, eating or drinking somethhing.Sometimes,i just think, if my husband feel uneasy when my friends come?
Dorannmwin, i want to say you are so kindly a persion to worry about the one sleep in the car.And he decided to give you a break seems means he is sorry for the disturbance.Maybe he is feel uncomfortable like you.
If it is too cold outside, i suggest to ask him to come into the house, and look him as your friend, in this case you will not feel so upset, after all, he will not live for long, right? It is just my view, how do you think? :)
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
I believe that if the weather stays cold that we are going to ask him to come into the house as long as we are able to get a small place together that is not going to totally impose on our lives. I told my husband that if he were to come back I would like to be able to watch my few shows on the television and I would like to be able to take a shower in peace. Other than that, there is not a lot that I ask for.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
10 Dec 09
I could not let someone do that. Is there any way to help him get into an apartment? Try looking in the paper for someone looking for a roommate. Contact the local churches and see if maybe you could get him some kind of help. Hopefully by now something has changed and he is not doing that anymore.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
10 Dec 09
Yes, finally things have changed. He decided yesterday that at least until sometime in the new year he was going to go home with his wife. She is going to live on one end of their trailer and he is going to live on the other end of the trailer. He decided not to work for the time being because there was an extension in unemployment pay in our state.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
4 Dec 09
Does he has to stay in the car? well, how about other friends? or may be motel or some other shelter that could provide him temporarily stay.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 09
While he was back at work, no one that was in his family would offer to drive him back and forth to work. Now, however, he's decided that he was going to not work for a little while longer because his unemployment was extended because we are in a state with high unemployment rates. So, in the time that he will be able to draw an unemployment check again he is actually going to stay with his brother.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Well, unless I had an extra suite in my home - meaning a separate bedroom with a bath and a closet that was separated from the other bedrooms and included its own furniture and tv, I don't think I could just have someone stay with me indefinitely. I mean if someone WAS staying with me, they'd have to understand that I wasn't going to clean up after them, they'd have to deal with me wandering around in a tshirt or my bathroom (since it is my house), and if they weren't home for dinner for instance, they'd have to fix or get their own dinner.
I actually would not much mind someone SLEEPING at my house as long as they didn't make any noise or any mess or interfere with anything I did in my home lol. If they expected me to entertain them, that'd be a different matter and I'd have to say no.
Do you think maybe you could just offer to allow him to SLEEP there at night? As long as he wasn't taking over my kitchen or tv or laundry or preventing me from getting daily things done I don't think it would be a problem...
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Thankfully, the situation has finally resolved itself for the time being. And, Tim was actually helping us around the house to a certain degree so it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. However, it is just the fact that I am used to things being my way in my house and that was where I had issues in the house.
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Hm. I can see how you're conflicted, but...this is a grown man with a job, yes? And a home of his own with his wife, troubles or no. I cannot see why he doesn't stay in his home until other arrangements can be made.
If he has family or other friends in the area, perhaps he could stay with each a while and then alternate so as not to wear out his welcome in any one place. Local YMCA's and shelters....that might be another alternative.
Beyond that, he does need to make a decent arrangement for himself rather than continuing to "float." In the meantime, the car at least offers more shelter than the streets. I've heard on the news of entire families living in their cars, kids and all, and THAT truly saddens me. And Michigan is cold this time of year.
I sort of see his situation differently, though. It isn't like he has no alternatives. For whatever reason, he just chooses not to avail himself of those opportunities. But...I will keep him in prayer!
Karen@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
6 Dec 09
Yes, a heart that is too good can end up making a mess of one! I just know that a grown working man must have some sort of options? I do hope it all turns out okay, but there truly are times we have to put family and self first.
xoxo
Karen
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
You've got good points here. I think that a lot of my problem lies in the fact that I am so good-hearted that it sometimes comes to my demise. The main problem with him going home to stay, besides the marital problems is the fact that home is 50 miles away and his car doesn't drive right now. I will, however, suggest that he talk to his family and see if he can stay with someone that is closer to here for a little bit.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Dec 09
Purchase underwear that the arctic people use when they go on missions to either of the poles - north or south. give him a flashlight, book to read, Tylenol pm and a flask of hot water just in case he wants a drink before sleepy time.
Or else, make pretty gingham curtains for his car windows and out a vase of plastic flowers on the dashboard to pretty the place up. Or a pair of gloves.Let him work it out himself.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
Thank you so much cynthiann for keeping me where I need to be on my stance in this situation and for giving me a good laugh as well.
@happy6162 (3001)
• United States
4 Dec 09
He could check and see if there is a church that can put him up for awhile or he could go to a motel. If he has his own family maybe he should see if he could stay with one of them for awhile and seeing as he is working he could help pay some of their expenses.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
That was one thing that did make me happy about his being here, he was at least bringing some food into the house such that when I was cooking he wasn't eating exclusively the food that I had bought for our family. I don't know that there are any churches here in town that will offer space, but we do have the Salvation Army and also the Hope Center that he may be able to check with.
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Is there a shelter he can stayt at. Maybe you could call your local Salvation Army and see if they have any room for your guest. I know it has been cold here in Idaho. I was watching the news last night and I remember the news anchor talking about shelters and how they do not turn anyone away this time of year.
I think it was nice of you and your husband to take care of his friend, but I also know how it feels to have someone invade your privacy.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
My husband and I are both very, very giving people which is a big part of the reason that we were able to open up our house to him. Now that we've gotten him out of the house I still want to help, so maybe I will call the Salvation Army and even the Hope Center here in town for him.
@pipayst (140)
• Philippines
4 Dec 09
That's not right. Why should he make you feel uncomfortable in your own home? Sure he's your husband's friend but shouldn't it be like this "My house, here are the rules, follow it or go." Does he act like he's imposing? Does it sound like he's taking advantage of your generosity? All you really have to do is set up some rules or ask his help doing chores. He might appreciate you better for it. He might not know how to stop making you feel uncomfortable because he basically doesn't know what to do about it.
A few years back a friend of mine wanted to bunk for the night carrying her drunk boyfriend. Of course I couldn't deny her since she's a friend, but past experiences with people taking advantage of my house made me wary. So I told her, "Go to sleep, no hanky panky in my house, keep your traps shut or you leave, fix the bed as you go."
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 09
I think that may have been the place where the problems came into play. Instead of my trying to go about things as I would usually do, I went out of my way to make him comfortable.
From now on, if someone wants to stay in our house, I will make sure and set some ground rules first.
