Old enough to know better, young enough not to care?

United States
December 16, 2009 3:41pm CST
I started out in the realm of online eating disorders as a 14 year old girl who barely knew anything. I didn't know any of the terms. I didn't know jack about anything really. Eventually, I learned more, and I'll admit, i probably did act like those teeny-bopper wannarexics at one point or another. But, now I'm older. Its a confusing feeling for me though because I'm old enough that I should know better. I know eating disorders are horrible terrifying things... But at the same time, I don't care what I know? It's hard to explain. Does anyone else have similar feelings?
1 response
@maezee (42003)
• United States
16 Dec 09
Oh my gosh. I got my first Xanga diary when I was about 13, pissed off at my parents, and starting to deal with food issues of my own. I don't know if I can say that the blogs and webrings and circles and "contest" blogs (that claimed they were "pro-ana" or "pro-mia") - I can't decide if those helped me out or hurt me in the long run. I can probably name all of the vegetables typically considered "negative calories", can probably explain to anyone what any of the "pro-ana/mia" jargon is, and can probably list off a million of those "tips and tricks" that are supposedly there to help you last through a fast, without binging that is. I can't even begin to think of how many hours of my life, in the past 5 years, I've spent online flipping through pages of thinspo or pondering the hundreds of 'tips' that some Xanga pages provided. I'm not sure if this type of community is healthy or encourages diseases. To me, it helped me, because I met a lot of people online who were 'struggling' with the same thing. Only, we didn't consider ourselves to be 'struggling' with an eating disorder, we more-or-less considered ourselves to be struggling with our journey to weight loss; to the illustrious and unattainable "thin" body, and to .. spiritual freedom, maybe? It seems a little backwards, but somehow it was supportive to have people around you (virtually..that is) who understand what you're going through. To me, it kind of reminds me of some sort of secret society almost. We have our little code words, our "manual" of what to eat and not eat, and our little indications here and there that separate us from "normal" people (red/blue bracelets, a certain food-deprived appearance, bruises on our knuckles, etc) and it's bizarre. Bizarre but fascinating that I've been wrapped up in this for about 6 years. I'm trying to shed some light on my own behavior though. I've been considered "recovered" from ED-NOS (Ok, I call it ED-NOS but clinically, I was considered bulimic.. But I hate labels.), but it still feels like I'm part of this little underground club. I still deal with it. I managed to become about 30 pounds overweight after 'recovery' (an out-patient program) and it kills me! Because I was at one point my target weight. And it all felt worth it. I know what you mean, though. At least I THINK I do. Eating disorders.. still seem like this magical tool to help me get what I want. This little "secret" that only a few people share. And yes, they truly hurt your health and sense of self and mental state of mind, but sometimes it would just feel so RIGHT and so NATURAL. But then again, there are a lot of conflicting ideas in your head, and that's part of the problem. It's almost like we have split personalities. There's the rational side of us telling us NO, NO, quit that, you know that's bad for you..And the other side, more dreamy and goal-oriented (I suppose) saying YES! THIS WILL BRING YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED! I still deal with both of halves of my brain like this. It's a constant battle and we find ourselves stuck in the middle. Anyway. I didn't mean to turn this into the longest response you'll ever be stuck reading, but I kind of did. I could go on for hours. It's a scary thing to get caught up in, but I know what you're going through.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Dec 09
I don't consider it being "stuck" reading. If I didn't want to read it, I wouldn't. lol I actually own a fairly large eating disorder site. It's a static site, and then there's a forum, and recently, we added the coolest new feature... It's called Socialite. It's like a myspace/facebook just for people with eating disorders. Its really cool. :) http://www.glitterveins.com (for the site) http://www.forum.glitterveins.com (for the forum) http://www.social.glitterveins.com (for the socialite network) Whats strange, is I've been "recovered-ish" the majority of the time that I've had the site up and running. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for having it and running it... But so many people use it...