relationship with a muslim man

United States
December 17, 2009 8:24pm CST
My friend has badly fallen in love with a muslim man. This man is married but with no marriage contract(im not sure how it is called in islam) The man and the mother of his kids live together as married couple. My friend and him fell in love. They had been in a relationship for 2 years now. They kept fighting because of the complication of their situation. The girl ended the relationship several times but the man kept going after her. ONe weekend she left out of town to stay away, the guy waited for hours outside her apartment on the day she was suppose to arrive.The girl wanted to leave the relationship and told the man that as much as both of them care for each other, she has to leave for it is going nowhere and she cant see herself in a mistress relationship all her life. she wants a serious relationship with a future, with a husband. Though she knows that the man has no marriage certificate, the fact that he is living with the mother of kids as a couple is considered marriage for her. The man promised to marry her but as a responsible father, he wants to settle the responsibilities before he is going to leave the family and be with my friend.He asked her to give him 5 months to do it. What do you think should my friend do?
3 people like this
16 responses
• India
18 Dec 09
Tell her to get out now, as soon as possible. She should really give it her best shot and never compromise with the situation. The factors to be considered are, even if that man marries her, what is the guarantee that he will not be visiting his first wife (or so called first wife)? As you say there is no marriage certificate. The second thought is in 5 moths how exactly would he settle his children and leave his family? Then comes the question of breaking a relation, does she want to be the one that broke up a family with kids? So, he did this to his first wife and is ready to leave his family and children, what makes her think he certainly wont do it again? When she doesn't want a relation with him, why is he so enormously desperate and not give her the time and space she needs as an individual? Why isn't he considering her feelings? The best way is to really and fast get rid of him with determination.
1 person likes this
@Harley009 (1420)
• India
22 Dec 09
If there any bigger conflicts or very much non-adjustable life between husband and wife then, it can be proceeded for divorce. He can do the divorce. divorce is three times. Once he has to make a divorce but she can live in the same house of him until 3 months(periods) are over. with in this period if they reach in a condition with discussion between them and the two families, that they can live together again, and if they are not managed to do so the divorce will come to effect on completion of 3 months(periods). It is not recommended for him to hold her for long time, if she don't like him anymore, without divorce, if he is not divorcing her, the she can proceed for divorce with the help of the local Islamic authority they live in, she can contact them and proceed for divorce from her side. If he is absconding for long time like many years without getting divorced, then she can publish the news about the absconding husband to contact her again and to resume the life together within some period of time. With authorization the divorce will automatically will come to effect on the prescribed time in the contract or published news. Then she can proceed for another marriage after completing some waiting period (like 3 months or 4 months + 10 days, I don't remember right now). Peace
• United States
15 Apr 10
this is very informative.thank you
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
18 Dec 09
Actually he won't settle the things as how you will be thinking. Most probably the so called mother of his kids with no marriage cert is his second or third wife. A muslim man can have up to 4 wifes in islam and of course all the others have no cert except the first. ALL ARE HIS WIFE! The reason he is asking for 5 months is probably so that your friend will be unable to want to leave then, maybe cos of pregnant or cos of emotionally unable to separate( girls fall more deeper into the relationship as time pass ). The other thing is he needs the permission and agreement from his other wife/wifes to accept the next wife ( also without cert ). Check into our self-conscience, no matter how attractive the man is, as long as he is a married man we should not consider breaking other's marriage as that will be hurting other people. So if we without regard of other's feelings, plunge ourselves into the relationship, we know the end is always HURT ( not only to others but to OURSELVES. )
• United States
18 Dec 09
thanks. My friend is thinking about that and keeps staying away but the man keeps holding her back. He has a technique of asking her not to stop communication even if its just friends until he settles everything.... and i know the only thing that can probably stop this guy from bothering her is when she finds a new bf but she cant move on that quick. She wants to be alone for awhile she said. I keep inviting her with blind dates but she is not interested. It is so painful for her coz the two seems like best friends other than lovers. But she is my room mate and I'm very concerned. Thanks so much for your input.Im also learning something about muslim allowed to have 4 wives.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
18 Dec 09
Do I get best reaponse? JUST JOKING HA!HA! Well I think you shouldn't get blind dates for your friend. You should get her to join your activities, exercising, shopping, anything to get her mind off the guy and get her time off so the guy can't get her. Take care and good luck.
• Malaysia
18 Dec 09
Don't let your friend fall into the trap. He created the problem of living together with the mother of his children without marriage certificate has clearly show that he is not a responsible man. He might be a responsible father but it is not fair to treat the 'wife' who had bear his children in such way without giving her the right title, in my country, this is unacceptable for muslim to live together without preforming the 'akad-nikah'(marriage ritual). I'm not a muslim but I have many muslim friends. Yes the muslim men are allowed to take more than 1 wife as long as he can effort financially and be just in preforming his husbandly duties.Futhermore after getting married they are given a special card which they have to carry all the time to verify that they are married. If they cannot provide this identification married card when the muslim authorities making spot check and the men or women are with someone who is not related to them (spouse or relatives) they will be accused of committing 'khalwat'. In Islam, the men hold the right to drop 'talaq'(divorce)and automatically. Please help your friend, if he can do this to the other woman he can also do the same thing to your friend.
• Malaysia
18 Dec 09
I forgot to complete a sentence here...The men have the right to give 'talaq' and automatically they are divorce. After that they have to go to the Syariah court to inform about the divorce.
@srganesh (6345)
• India
22 Dec 09
The first fault is on your friend to have started loving an already married man.Religion has nothing to do in this case.He is just a cheater and your friend should be aware of this.Why should she madly in love with him and await him to come out of his existing relationship?She needs a psychiatric counseling which will solve the problem.
• United States
19 Dec 09
I have dated to muslim man and from my experience they can be a lil more controlling... but at the same time they treat you the best... they are very good providers. It didn't work with either of them!
@Alot76 (9)
• Indonesia
18 Dec 09
Islam does not teach actual marriage contract,because it is so detrimental women, something that is harmful is a sin
18 Dec 09
Sound f***ed up if you ask me.. Mmm?? F***ed up.....Religion. Go well in the same sentence i think?
• China
18 Dec 09
Your friend should leave the man . I don't think the man can keep his heart forever . He have already charge hie heart for your friend .Can you sure of he won't charge his mind for another women in the future .The relation is delicate. when the man don't love your friend ,he will leave .because he doesn't have the responsibily in his mind.
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
18 Dec 09
I think you friend should definitel;y quit seeing this man. It isnt going to work. There is no way this man is going to give his his wife, whether legal or not. He is using your friend. He may kind of love her, but it is really one sided, because he has no intention of offering her a futture. If he continues to pester your friend, she can go to the Police.
@vjagra (147)
• India
18 Dec 09
I will just focus on your friend: As you have described, she appear to have no mind of her own, is emotionally weak and can't assert. Better she sees some counselor. At present, she can only see with her eyes, but can't understand what she is seeing. The man only seem to exploit her. Your friend would need to work on making herself a strong person, even if she manages to get this man off her shoulder.
• India
18 Dec 09
I wana ask one question. Is your friend dumb ? Cant she see things ? I know when your are madly in love with someone, you tends to oversee and overlook, but its her own life and she should not take such a huge gamble. She should try to focus her mind and think about the best possibility to remain happy in her life.I know the best answer for her is to stay away and never allow that man to enter her life again. May be your friend is tremendously beautiful and attractive and may be the man is kind of Casanova. I only wish she should take the right step. Can you tell more details about the man though ?
• India
18 Dec 09
i cant understand y u focussed on muslim word...juzz to increase no of response... ur freind should think if he can dump her wife then he can easily dump her also.....
• India
18 Dec 09
I agree with others opinions…she should stick to her determination and sever all links with this man. Whether a Shia or a Sunni and whether the marriage is with or without contract, Islam allows a man to have multiple wives (4 max, I think) and so even if the other marriage was legal and solemnized, as per Islamic laws the man can always go ahead and marry your friend and that would be perfectly legal and your friend wont be considered a mistress but just another wife who is expected to dutifully share the house and the bed with the other wife (!!!)…so either way, your friends idea of marriage and this man’s idea of marriage will never match…what she is doing right now is correct…she should not be in any misconception that the man would divorce his other wife and then marry her! On top of that, I think she would be expected to convert before the marriage takes place…has she thought of that?
• United States
18 Dec 09
If he truly loves her, and he truly wants to be with her. He would seriously leave his wife and kids, and go with your friend, but if he is not going to leave his wife and children, and I do not think that he should leave his children, then she needs to get over him, and declare it a loss. She will want to find someone else who is not committed, or is not in any other relationship because this man that she is with right now is not going to leave his family for her. If that were the case, he would have done it already. If he really wanted to be with your friend, if he really loves her badly enough, he would leave the wife and kids and go to her, but he is not going to do that. For the record, I know situations like this because I have been there. My mother was with a man for several years who was married to another woman, and he was never going to leave his wife for my mother. My mother knew this, and stayed with him, but she also knew that he was never going to leave his wife for her. My mother and this man had a child, my who brother (may he rest in peace). My mother really only wanted a child out of this man, and that was what she got. She never demanded that he leave his wife because she knew that it was not going to happen. He could have because his other children with his wife were all grown up, but he obviously did love my mother enough to leave his wife and be with my mom. Tell your friend to be realistic. She may love this man, and he may love her, but he love her enough to leave his other family. She either accept it and stay with him, or leave him and move on.
@rosdimy (3936)
• Malaysia
18 Dec 09
Sounds like the man is a Shi'ite. They have a different set of rules. The mut'ah, or marriage without a written contract, just a verbal agreement between a man and a woman, is a glaring difference between them and the Sunnis. What he is doing is not according to the true teachings of Islam. A man cannot force a girl to accept him for a life time partner. Any rejection should be accepted with grace, and the man should withdraw from his pursuit. If the man wants to be a responsible father, he should think of his present kids. Though divorce or separation is allowed in Islam, it is something abhorred due to possible repercussions. Based on personal observations, he would probably not keep to his promises. The best way for her may be to stay away from him.