What would you do in this position?
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
United States
December 18, 2009 12:12pm CST
You've been with your boyfriend for 3 years and counting. You met online, and after 8 months he came to visit. 2 months after that he moved in with you. Then 6 months after that he moved back home to his state, 7 states away from you. After the summer he decides to join Job Corps, a live in trade school. He hates it there, so you get your parents to pitch in for a bus ticket to bring him back to where you live. He stays with you for another 5 months before leaving for a different Job Corps, 4 hours from where you live. You get to see him twice a month, thanks to a ride he had. The ride leaves, so you no longer get to see him in person. He rarely calls, and when he does it's only for a half hour or so. He doesn't tell you half of what's going on in his life, and you fight with him a lot. After 8 months of being in the trade school, he gets terminated for an incident that wasn't his fault. He writes an appeal, but doesn't plan on being accepted back. He moves back in with you, and puts out applications everywhere to get a job. He has an apartment lined up with a friend of yours, and is promising to finally have the relationship with you he never had before - dating, staying over, being able to go back to your own house, a NORMAL relationship.
Just as things are moving along smoothly, and you're hopeful, he gets accepted back into the school he was terminated from. Now he'll be leaving you again, in a couple weeks, and you won't be able to see him until he finishes in three months. Not only that, but he springs the news on you that after he's finished in the school 4 hours away from you, he'll be moving another 8 states away to another trade school to continue and won't be back for at least 6 months.
You're tired of him leaving, and even though you want him to do what's best for him, you're heartbroken. Again. Only this time you're at the end of your rope. You love him, and want to spend your life with him, but he makes it clear he doesn't want to move back to the state you live in, even though he knows you want to start up your own business there with a friend.
Do you stay with him and see where it goes, suffering through the heartache? Or do you finally say you have to have a relationship where he gives back as much to you as you give to him? Do you sacrifice everything you've wanted since middle school just for him? Or do you leave him and try to move on without one of the most important people in your life?
You love him, you try to give him everything he wants, yet you get nothing in return. Not for your birthday, or your anniversary, or for any holidays.
What would you do?
5 people like this
13 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Dec 09
It sure sounds to me like you're being used. Almost as if you're the parent he keeps coming home to in between things or something. Why isn't he trying to either find something near where you are or get you to move where he is or something? Sounds fishy to me...
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
18 Dec 09
I don't know. I've tried asking him why he doesn't just go to college, he has his GED and the college near here would accept him. It does seem that he only comes back when he needs to, though he has family back in his state so I wonder why he doesn't just go there? I'm so tired of it. I would move to where he is, but I'm in college, and won't graduate until February of 2011. Plus after that my friend and I want to start our business here, because it's close to both our families. I would follow him it weren't for our business. It seems he wants me to give up everything for him, but he won't take into account how I feel about it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Dec 09
What did he say when you asked him that?
And I'm just wondering if maybe he just doesn't know what he wants yet....
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
22 Dec 09
He said he loved me and thought I wanted him to be near me so we could be together. To which I responded I did want to be with him, but knowing he wanted me to choose was ridiculously stressful on me. We've kind of put it on pause for now, because we both need time to think. In the mean time we're still hanging out together, and still together. I have a feeling that it will be brought up again after Christmas...
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
19 Dec 09
hi there,
well, the fact that he is in Job Corp. tells me that he is very young. I know that most of the kids that go to Job Corp are there because they struggled in a regular school setting. It sounds to me as if he is really trying to get that part of his life on track and get himself an education which is a good thing. I don't think you should give up your plans either. If you do that and travel to be with him feeling as you do then you will end up feeling resentful. Listen to your heart....re-read what you wrote here. On some level, you know that it would not be a good thing to up and move away with him. At least for now, it sounds as if it is time for you both to move on. Of course only you can decide that.
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
21 Dec 09
Well, he is older than I am, by two and a half years [to the day]. I am 18, he will be 21 in February. I am still struggling to decide because I love him so much, but then again, I don't want to end up like my parents, who divorced because one didn't get to live their dream. I see your point, thank you for posting.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Dec 09
It sounds like a very one-sided relationship. Also he seems to be doing everything he wants to do while she is doing none of the things she wants to do. Personally, if it was me, I'd cut the cord. Heartaches heal and time moves on. When he's all done with his training and really decides what he wants then I'd think about it but in the meantime it sounds like the two ppl are moving in seperate circles.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STANDING STRONG IN MY BELIEFS**[/b]
@mindrich (183)
• Philippines
19 Dec 09
My friend, based on your heartfelt life segment stories, I say he's not totally in love with you. I think he just like you in some of his standards but not deeply feel in love with you.
The very thing of evidence is that he doesn't give you some important or special time. He doesn't even remember to surprise you in your birthdays, and forget about your anniversary as well.
I think he is just attached with you in some other human desire. My friend, I sense you love him too much, because you can still afford to stick with him, even if he is showed a robot feeling or never responsive to your love.
What I advice you my friend is to find some other avenue you could divert your attention to him. Just like open your hearts to other of your suitors and open to discover someone who will love you in return. Don't too focus on him, loose yourself from the tightness of your attachment to him. This is some sort of reverse psychology. Who might say, he could realize of how important you in his life and begin to recognize his true feelings on you, once if you let him feel jealous.
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
21 Dec 09
I know he does love me, however after 3 years I think things have began to fade for him. He tries on certain levels, but on other levels he is very selfish. I believe your advice is good, I over the past couple days I have tried this. He has now actually bought me Christmas gifts. He tells me he loves me and wants to focus on the now instead of the future, but my fear is that when he does want to leave for good I'll be so heartbroken I won't be able to move on. Thank you for posting.
@minx267 (15527)
• Hartford, Connecticut
18 Dec 09
It sounds to me like he is using you.. He may have feelings for you, but more of just a friend.. I wouldn't pursue it.. He doesn't seem to be as interested in a relationship with you as you are with him.. He's sticking around because he always gets some help from you so he doesn't want to completely sever those ties until he has to. Unfortunately I can almost guarantee he will one day..
I'd hate to see you get your heart broken.. If you love him maybe you can somehow still just be his friend - I have a best friend of mine (21 years now) and We dated
and lived together but only really went out together for about 6 months.. But I still love him and wanted him to be part of my life..
It's just that we weren't meant to be together in that way.. We were meant to be Best friends- he just happens to be male.. No one says you best friends have to be female. He's now living in my house, renting a room.. because just like your man.. they always come back to those that truly care about them and love them for who they are.
Good luck to you.. I would seriously consider moving on though, I know it's hard to hear but it is probably best for you. You don't want to waste your whole life waiting for him to make up his mind.. because in the end it probably won't be in your favor. And he won't think twice about breaking your heart.
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
18 Dec 09
I know he loves me, but I feel like I'm not one of the most important things to him, like I used to be. It makes me upset because he's still the one I always try to make happy, help out, and love more than almost anyone else. I just wish he'd see my view to this. I tried talking to him but he just says I'm being selfish and pretty much told me it's my relationship with him or my dream of starting a business with my friend. I just don't want to end it but even when I tried to talk to him about my feelings toward it he just said I was being a b*tch and being selfish.
@dmrone (746)
• United States
18 Dec 09
Hi, TickleMeBreathless! I would let him go, and get on with my life! I would get on with the plans that i have had since before he was in the picture. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and he clearly does not want to make it work. It seems that you have tried, and you have done the best that you can do. Now it is time to get on with what your plans and dreams are, and let him go his way. A one-sided relationship is not a relationship, because someone is always being left out. It seems he only wants a relationship for his convience, and that is not helping eithe of you. Move on, and make the most out of your life.
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
18 Dec 09
Yes, he doesn't seem to understand how important my dream of starting a business with my friend is to not only me, but my friend. We've had this plan for years now, and I am already in college to start it off, and she will follow in the summer. I have tried explaining to him that my family is here, my dream is here, and I don't want to abandon that because he doesn't want to try to make it work here. I do feel left out sometimes, though I'm sure he would say otherwise because he doesn't think he is doing anything to upset me. I keep going through his heartache and I just can't understand why he can't see that.
Yes, I'm tired of him only wanting to be with me when he wants to. It's upsetting.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
18 Dec 09
I think I would have told him where to go by now because it really seems like he is using you
Mabe break of contact with him for a while and see what happens because to me it looks like it is all one sided here you give he takes
I hope you can get this straightened I really do
@neo_matrix (884)
• India
18 Dec 09
hey ! you must be badly in love with this guy to go through all this. i also was in a somewhat similar position like your a few months ago.trust me a relationship gives lot of hurtful feelings, lots of doubts about your self and your life goals.it gets difficult to break out of such a person because of its one moment on and other moment off pattern. sometime you are not sure whether he even cares enough for you while other times he can be real sweet. this all has tremendous impact on your emotional well being. it took me a year to see the reality finally.now i am at peace . ya do miss him but atleast there is no waiting for him now after few months and then a depressive phase when he was away. now i am working to get my real self back.i am taking time to heal myself but the scar will always remain
@cjfoust (614)
• United States
19 Dec 09
It's hard to someone on the outside to give you their opinion without actually being in the situation. However, if I were in that situation, I would tell myself it is time to let go. It sounds like you are a great, caring person and you deserve someone that can treat you the way you treat them. After eight months, feeling like you feel, you have to ask yourself how long you want to go through it. Do you want to waste more time on something that sounds like it will never be what you truely want? It sounds like it will be a difficult decision to make, but if I haven't learned anything else over the past few years, I have learned that you have to lookout for yourself because no one else is going to do it for you. If this isn't the kind of life you want to live, change it.
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
18 Dec 09
That sounds like there really isn't much of a relationship there to salvage. I think after that length of time I would be preparing myself to walk away and get on with my life as the timing and the situation clearly isn't right. I don't think I'm the type of person who could handle a long distance relationship and I HATE waiting & disappointments. So for me personally I would be ready to walk away at this point and cut my losses. It might be difficult but I think in the long run I would be better off.
@cindi1 (29)
• United States
18 Dec 09
It sounds to me as if he is not as committed as you are to this relationship. You deserve better than that and there are better men out there. Seems he only comes back when he needs something, and from what I can tell he is not meeting your needs. He also sounds as if he is not very committed to his own life and that can mean nothing but heartache and suffering for you in the future. You sound like a very good hearted person with a good head on your shoulders. You are committed to college, your family and friends. You also have plans for your future with wanting to open a business with your friend. He does not seem to possess any of the qualities you have. He is also not considerate of your plans for your life. I would let him go for good this time and tell him to lose my number. There are better men out there who will offer you the kind of commitment, love and consideration you deserve. I hope this helps.
@artistry (4152)
• United States
19 Dec 09
...Hi TickleMeBreathless, Got a big question for you, are you in love with love? I ask you that because there is nothing in your comment that lets me know that there is anything about this gentleman that deserves your love, in my estimation. He does not share, he is guite fine with being away from you without contact. He likes to bounce around, and also what has he done for you lately, you are always doing for him and being there for him. If you ask me, he does not care for you at all, the way you care for him. You must ask yourself, should you keep carrying him in this relationship, it takes two, he is not there. Pack up your emotions and move on, find an emotionally grown adult, who has some awareness of commitment, he is about himself. There are two sides to every story, but what is it that you love about this man? Take care.
@Jennifer_lee_88 (589)
• United States
19 Dec 09
Oh honey I have sooooo been there!
I think love is really important and should be something that is cherished and taken are of however there is only so much you can do. For a relationship to work it takes a lot more than love. For a relationship to work it take trust, friendship, understanding, communication, and sacrifice. To mean it only sounds like you have the love part. To me it sounds like hes kinda using you... he only goes back to you and gives you attention when he needs something or hes bored (I've been there too It totally sucks)
I think if he really loved you he'd stay put with you... i mean hes tried this whole job corps thing and its pretty clear it wont work... he could get a job, go to school around you or something.
If i was you I'd tell him straight out how i feel... i wouldn't hold anything back... I'd say exactly what on my mind no matter what and see what he says and what happens. If he say hes still going tell him you want to end it... or at least go on a brake while hes in school. Tell him you still want to be friends and talk with him while hes at school. While hes at school feel what its like with out him... maybe meet new people... go on a date!
If its meant to be than you will end up together... who knows you this may be the kick in the but he needs... you never know what you have until you've lost it. Or maybe this will prove the 2 of your are not a good match.
I know I'm not you and i don't know how you feel. I know all this is way easier said then done... but that is what I'd do
best of luck to you! :)
