Is my daughter being selfish?
@ShadowofHope2010 (173)
United States
January 16, 2010 3:57pm CST
Okay, so here's a long discussion. My husband is my daughter's stepfather. She is 13. He has known her since she was 3. He used to work as an electrician making good money, but know makes less than half as much. He always struggles to get the bills pay AND leave enough food on the table for our family of 5. I can't work because he works crazy hours, we have only 1 car, and I have a child still not in school, and daycare is outrageously expensive. So when he picks her up from school, they sometimes go to the store and get dinner. It may be fast food or a quick meal at home. My husband and I have had 2 more daughters together (my 13 year old's half sisters), and he spoils them endlessly. My oldest is normally in the shadow and keeps to herself. I do too when he is home because the younger girls run wild when he's home. But when my daughter and husband are together, he spoils he a bit. He offers to get her McDonald's or Subway. She usually says yes. My oldest never really asks for anything, and is the least of my worries. That is why he offers. When she gets home and I see that she is eating restaurant food, I usually get mad at her, because she knows we are on a tight budget, and she accepts extra food. But the other girls ALWAYS get something extra, and no one offers my 13 year old anything. I think she is being selfish for this, because can't she see how bad things are for us right now? But then I really get to thinking about it, and I realize just how good she is to me, becasue she does ALL the chores around the house, and her school work. She never asks for anything, and is a bother to no one. Did you or do you have a situation like this one? What happened? What do you think about our situation? Is she being selfish or am I?
7 responses
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
17 Jan 10
On balance, I think that you are being selfish ... for her (if you see what I mean). She sounds a model daughter and it sounds as if your husband does look out for her in his way.
Try not to make her feel guilty about accepting restaurant food (and try not to blame your husband for offering it once in a while). Your husband is probably trying to do the best he can for her and, since she never asks for anything and he knows she likes a MaccyD or a Subway, that is what he offers. At thirteen, you are really in no position to argue with your stepfather, especially if you are the kind that helps around the house and doesn't ask for anything.
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
17 Jan 10
I think that KicDash may have a sort of solution. If all of the family agrees to have an 'eat out' night once a week (or month), that could actually solve the problem.
@chase717 (65)
• United States
17 Jan 10
No offense, but I think you are being selfish. These days there are lots of people on a tight budget. Your husband shouldn't offer fast food if there isn't enough money. Maybe he is rewarding her for helping out around the house or doing well in school. If she doesn't really ask for anything, I'm sure she is aware of the hard times. She probably feels that if it is offered that you'll can afford it. You should maybe talk to your husband instead of being upset with your daughter. Then maybe the two of can discuss the finacial situation with her. Maybe suggest giving her a certain amount per week for helping out and let her chose how to spend the money.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
17 Jan 10
No she is not being selfish. Think of it more as her allowance for doing all the work. If the other children stepped in to help then maybe they would all get it. It is her reward for doing things around the house and not asking you for money. Besides she is a teen be thankful that is all she is wanting out of life. I am sure when the others get older they too will get this offer and they would not share it either. Just relax and enjoy the fact that she is doing the choirs. Heck I have a 15 year old I have to fight to get her to even clean her room*L*
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
17 Jan 10
What I just read was very lame. Let me read back to you, what I read.
You are getting angry at your daughter for accepting a gift from her father.
Now think about that...
You are getting angry at your daughter for ... accepting a gift ... from her father...
So if someone gives you free food, I'll come by and get angry because "Don't you know people are starving in India?! How dare you selfishly accept that gift!".
First, she is not being selfish at all. Now what you are doing, I don't know. It's something wrong though.
Your husband needs to be a father, and not a bestest buddy. He needs to act like an adult and stick to a budget, if that is what you two need to be doing.
It sounds to me like you two are not really on a budget, and not really adjusting your life style to the reality of what you earn. Notice, I said "you two", not 'you are' and 'he isn't'. That's not a marriage, that's two people doing their own thing, and one being angry about it. You two need to be doing this together, not you complaining that he is getting a meal with his daughter when you don't have the money.
It also sounds like in the act of blending your family, he failed to make the transition from the outsider, to the parent. This is normal in blended families, but he needs to stop it.
Finally, you and him need to be on the same page. You have a really crappy marriage if he's giving out goodies to the kids, and you are getting angry at the kids for accepting those goodies from your husband. You are effectively creating a situation of entrapment for your kids, and they will hate you for it if you continue this.
Bottom line, you need to stop talking, and getting angry at your daughter for accepting things from her father. You need to start getting with your husband and acting like "we two are one" and having a real marriage. Finally, you never ever get angry at a child for what your spouse does. They will hate you later for it.
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
17 Jan 10
No, I don't see she's being selfish, and besides she's doing all the household chores, as what you have said.maybe your husband wanted to treat her for that, and for them to get more closer and comfortable with each other. children some times need to pampered.
Be thankful because your first daughter and your present husband are in good relationship.Good luck.
@kattee (3)
• United States
17 Jan 10
i woudn't say she is being selfish.She probably realizes that she never asks for anything,or that the younger girls are more or less the center of most of you indulgences.It probably doesnt bother her often but every now and then when your 13,these sort of things fester in your mind, but i also i know that kids love to eat out. So i too would recommend a once a week or month eat out maybe she wouldnt be so quick to accept take-out.If she felt like she ate it more often,and i wouldnt say your bein selfish either.Believe it or not this is a typical thing.You sound like a wonderfullll mom, and your husband sounds like a great step-dad.:)
@KicDash (89)
• United States
16 Jan 10
I wont say selfish but more like spoiled if you know what I mean. Usually kids or teenagers love to eat outside rather than eat at home and eating almost the same thing over and over again. But in my opinion, since your having a little problem with the economy I recommend you to make something different like cook new meals that you never prepared or something like that. Or you can just ask your husband to not to spend to much money lol. But at least let your children eat outside like once a week or once a month to a restaurant like chinese food(which they are delicious) or a fastfood restaurant
