I have just discovered that my husband has a jealous side to him,

@jugsjugs (13038)
January 24, 2010 9:26am CST
i do not mind that there is that side to my husband,but i do draw the line at him not trusting me.They do say that where there is no trust there is no love.I am 38 and i have been married to him now for over 13 years i think from day one we have had problems in our relationship,but we have worked on them.First there was all the trouble todo with his step sister saying that she had been sleeping with my husband and all his family knew about this where as i was the last to hear and a month ago she even started up again saying things knowing they would get to me.Now he is pointing the finger at me as there was something he read on facebook todo with some bloke who is related to a friend of mine which he is in his 20s,i am 38 old enough to be his mum.Inside i am fuming and i think that my husband do not know the person he has married.If i was to pick him up with all the things on his facebook as well as while we have been married i would be here all day.I do not mind that he is jealous,but they say where there is no trust there is no love.
15 people like this
54 responses
@savypat (20245)
• United States
24 Jan 10
It's true we complicate our relationships with many expectations but trust is one of the mainstays of marriage. I think from this discussion and others I've read from you that your husband and you need to get many issues out in the open, do not let these he said, she said, go into the shadows and fester. If you both cannot be totally open, all the bad with the good, then others will forever be able to influence your relationship. Blessings
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (13038)
31 Jan 10
I think now my husband knows where he stands with me as like i told him i am getting older as well as looking after the children and all the other small things i do not want anyone as i am happy with how things have been between us as things had got alot better over the last few months.I told him that after 13 years i would not want anyone else even if we were to split up as well as i have enough things in my life i do not need anything or anyone else in it.
@savypat (20245)
• United States
31 Jan 10
The more open your communication remains the better off you both will be. Stay strong.
• United States
24 Jan 10
I think mistrust Can destroy the love you once had is more apt. Him being jealous is part insecurity and part guilt for the affair, I bet he is thinking that it was easy for him to hide that you are doing the same thing. Wrong! being a little jealous serves him right. I think it is flattering he thinks a 20year would want you. But when he tries to spy on you All the time or Tries to keep you a prisoner, then it is time to get out. I hope you can work things out. Take Care
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I would never go with anyone let alone a person that young as my daughter is nearly 18 and i would not do anything with anyone let alone a big child in my eyes.Perhaps i should have said he is a very good close friend,but no even if the 20 year old was older he would never be my type as he is a drinker from what i can make out.I have not been out with friends for weeks as i wanted to save some money as well as stay in and try to earn some as well.
2 people like this
• United States
24 Jan 10
The age of the other man isn't That important. It's that Hubby Thinks you would be with someone else is the problem.It is worse if the guy is a friend! That means he doesn't trust either one of you ! That's bad. I hope you two can find someone to talk to , together. That may help.
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
24 Jan 10
Thats rediculous what is put on facebook is nothing to do with what any one has or hasnt done. Someone mad at you can put all things on facebook they want too. Now they have cause trouble and you 2 will have to workit out and that depends on how well you DO love one another. My hubby was some jealous but it was weird he would tell me I was staring at some one when I wasnt. Happened a couple of time I recall the one as I had been studing about something else that some one was saying att he time and guess I was looking ahead where the feller was in the way but I hadnt even noticed him. Just weird was all I can say. Never even thought of going with any one after I found hubby he was my soulmate. When I egnored him on it he dropped it!
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I think he is sweet for being jealous as this is the only time,but not trusting me is taking the mickey as i go out for birthday drinks with friends.I have had people tell me my husband is seeing a bird whilst he was at work from an old friend of ours on my facebook and there were alot of people that did not know my husband or that my husband was a county court bailiff so i blocked my wall to stop all of this as to be honest i did not want an argument.I saw my dad have affairs as well as how it made her feel and that it really made her ill.I would never do this to anyone.I must admit i nearly ended my marriage a few years ago,but i stuck at it even though alot of people were on about alot of women he was seeing or what ever,so for him to say this to me about someone in their 20s is not nice.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
24 Jan 10
I do understand and good about blocking your wall.
@littleowl (7157)
24 Jan 10
Hi JJ, That is such a true saying 'where there is no trust, there is no love', I have found that out to be true in two relationships and one person I was married to. If you are jealous of someone like your husband is of you, there is no trust and if you don;t trust someone then there is jealousy so it is a no win situation. If you cannot trust someone then you do not love them at all, you are a possession. It wounds as if you both really have to talk calmly and logically about this or think of someway else to resolve the situation. But there is no way personally I would take what is being dished out to you, hence now I am single and happy...hope you can sort things out hun it sounds awful to have to go through all of this and I expect you feel so alone in different ways too..well am here if you need to talk, hugs LoLo
@jugsjugs (13038)
31 Jan 10
I think that my husband has been hurt in the past by an ex as she went behind his bavk when they were together so perhaps that is why he do not have the trust thing in him.I do think it is quite sweet that he is jealous and i have noticed that in the last few months he has been more lovin towards me and with his mum dying in this last month perhaps this has added to the insecure feelings.
@redex1 (40)
24 Jan 10
A tip from me would be, pick out on the wrong things he does. Then tell him, that look at all these wrong things you've been doing however i've been keeping away from them and not poking my nose around. Then say, look love i want to keep this relationship going so let us sit down and have a talk about it.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29164)
• United States
24 Jan 10
Hi, jugsjugs. You are very right about that. If your husband does not have any trust, there will surely be a lack of love in your relationship/marriage. He needs to take a hard look and evaluate what is the truth here. You really love him and you are not an cheater. You are an devoted wife and mother to your family. Most men are jealous, but your husband's behavior is uncalled for. That is how and why many marriages end up destroyed because of something like this. You need to sit down with and have an heart to heart talk about his jealousy issues. He needs to be man enough to admit that he is jealous when it comes to other men that are around you. My husband has an jealousy side to him too. He does not show it but I know that is there. When I try to tell him that another guy is trying to talk to me(like they want to get with me), my husband will get mad and tell me that he does not want to hear about another man. He is like, "why are you telling me this." It is like he can't stand to hear about another man having the hots for me. And I feel that he has an somewhat jealous streak if he responds like this to me. Your husband needs to be more secure with you than less insecure. I hope that you can get him to open up to you so that this attitude of his can be diminished from your relationship. Take care.
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (13038)
31 Jan 10
I think the reason he is like this is because he has had an old girlfriend that was sleeping around and she was the type of person that used to go to the pub all the time and that is where she met the bloke she was sleeping with.I used to go to the pub once a week,but i have not been out now for about 3 months as it is soo cold as well as i can stay at home and have just as much fun.To be honest i am not interested in any blokes other than the one i am married to.So i think this is the reason why he is so insecure.
@doormouse (4619)
24 Jan 10
i think facebook causes so much trouble in friendships and relationships,i don't think it's because he does'nt love you,maybe he's at a vunerable time in his life,and is feeling a bit insecure,my boyfriend does'nt like me talking to men he does'nt know,even if i've known them for years before i got with my partner,,or the flip side is,he's cheating and feeling guilty,so is covering his tracks by blaming you for something
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I kept my mouth shut for far too long todo with all the trouble his step sister had caused in the past as well the trouble that she tried to cause whilst my husbands mother was dying from cancer.I think he is out of order for trying to point the finger at me for anything like that.He sends messages to a work matewho is female who he saw every day at work and yet they were constantly sending jokes as well as xxxxs at the end of each sentance and i am the one with a problem.I must admit i have never seen this jealous side which i find very funny.
@doormouse (4619)
24 Jan 10
i also find my partner funny when he makes stupid remarks about me and my male friends,he says he trusts me,but he obviously does'nt,i think i might start leaving notes telling him exactly where i'm going; 1)taking son to school 2)popping to mates for coffee 3)having a sleep 3)picking son up from school if he does'nt like it then he shouldn't keep making stupid remarks,two can play his game
@jugsjugs (13038)
12 Feb 10
I just thought it was soo funny that he could be jealous as well as i think it is sweet in a sad kind of way,when i told one of my friends they just started laughing thinking it was soo funny that he could be jealous.I suppose now i have found out that he has still got some feelings for me but jealous just makes me laugh.
• United States
26 Jan 10
well let me give my expert advice on this. To begin with there are two sides to every story. your right about if there is no trust there is no love. he may act that way for several reasons. he might have done something in the past and that makes him feel insecure, so the only thing he can do is blame you. But if there really is love then you would also be there with him on the hardest times. thats one of the vowels or rules when you get married. although it seems like he is the one that is being different, you have to be the one to remind him who you are and that he shouldnt accuse you of such things. just remember he might act different and blame you because he is insecure and thinks you might do whatever he did in the past. you gotta understand to be there for him and make him get over it just like you said you have worked everything out. that is all i have today. good luck.
@pupupd (1516)
• India
26 Jan 10
Yes, you have said something which has a nice possibility here. Since her husband has done the mistake of sleeping with his step sister(as said by jugs) he feels insecure that his wife might do something similar in order to take revenge and also he can't complain as he himself has done it. He also doesn't want to break the relation with jugs. So it is natural that jugs will look for a friend who will understand her better than her husband and that person she has found in facebook. Her husband should be more open and talk to jugs frankly ask for forgiveness. Both should express their love for each other only then such misconceptions can be avoided. As I said in my response, please talk it out.
@deedee328 (1124)
• United States
26 Jan 10
She did not say that her husband has cheated on her. She said that the step sister claims to have been sleeping with the husband.
• United States
26 Jan 10
I agree 100%. I told my wife when we first began to date that I will trust her to the full extent until she proves to me that I cannot. You have to have that sort of thought or your love cannot grow.
@pupupd (1516)
• India
26 Jan 10
wow, that is really sweet. I hope your trust on her continues. Also your partner should not take advantage of your trust. Make sure she is not doing that. Sometimes excess trust also leads to problem. The other partner takes it very casually and goes outside the limit and as result loses the trust completely because of some stupid mistake.
@deedee328 (1124)
• United States
26 Jan 10
pupupd, I disagree. I think that knowing that my husband trusts me so greatly, keeps me from taking things too casually. It makes me determined be worthy of his trust. I never want him to to feel like his trust in me is taken for granted. Knowing that he has so much trust in me, makes me extra causious not to violate or diminish that trust. It would break his heart, and that, I could not bare to do.
@gabs8513 (48710)
• United Kingdom
24 Jan 10
Well Jug I would confront him about it and find out what is going on with him, why he does not trust you of all a sudden Point his faults out to him
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I am getting tired of trying to talk to him as no matter what he always thinks he is right and i am wrong no matter what it is todo with.I know that something happened between him and his step sister as well as he was shouting her praises here saying how much she was doing for his mum and that he thought she had changed as well as my sister in law was here saying the same,i told him that his step sister would always be the same and he has now found out that i was right as she was the first one to say he was there sitting on her lap or she was sitting on his lap when he was seeing his mum a month ago and then he tried to even deny that.I give up i can say i have tried with him.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48710)
• United Kingdom
24 Jan 10
Jugs I am sorry and I know how that feels I hope that it might still sink into him I do not blame you for giving up on him
@bhanusb (5709)
• India
24 Jan 10
Yes trust is the basis of relationship between a husband and a wife. What you narrated in mylot that is enough. You should not let it go further.In our culture step sister is like own sister.We can't think step sister and step brother is in the same bed.
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I know what you are saying as i think that the step sister must be a bit ill to even say the things that she has said as well as the things they she said had gone on between then.The best bit was that i was the last to know and my husband told me to leave it.I was angry for along time as to me i could not see why he wanted her to get away with the things she was saying.
• Nigeria
26 Jan 10
Hello Jugs, I feel what you are going through with you and im sorry you are through this. You said it all 'where there is no TRUST, there is no LOVE'. Trust and love are two things that cant ever be separated in Relationships, one cant stand without the other. I think you really need to sit your husband down and discuss all these (in your mind) with him. As for the step sister, i think 'SILENCE' is the best answer she deserves. That will always hurt her to the bones.
@saphrina (31738)
• South Africa
24 Jan 10
Sweatie, you know, we can sit here and discusS this untill doomsday, but as we need to get on with our lives, i aM going to Be as straight and honest as i always am. First of all ,that stepsister is really a piece of work. They have the tendency to create problems in marriages. I still do not know why. But in any way, you sound feisty enough, take both of them on. Your husband cannot stand behind a door and throw around accusations. You have to sort this out, and as in now. The longer you wait, the worse it will become. And facebook. A lot of people seem to just love to get to personal on that site. You have to be more carefull and tell your friends as well. A lot of people, just love to read between the lines, even if there is nothing there to read. Good Luck to you and please, do not take this s££t
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
The thing that i think is a bit strange is that all this stuff on face book was done over a year ago on my friends wall as well as there must have been other people that had written on there as well as the few that had written on the wall and with bits missing i had a problem working it all out as well as i know he had a problem.I think that it is strange when he shows he is jealous as i was supposed to be ok over his step sister who has stirred more up a month ago as well as he saw her a month ago,where as i have not seen a few of the people that are on my facebook or my friends face book for months as well as i do not and have not been out for a few months as i prefer to be at home.
@saphrina (31738)
• South Africa
25 Jan 10
Take your husband by the ear, go sit him down somewhere and the two of you talk this out, once and for all. And no, the stepsister, is not invited to this little party. I can only wish you luck to try and get this over and done with. If you want, try to keep me up to date.
@lasjohan (78)
• Indonesia
26 Jan 10
Very interesting. I think you are so pretty thus your husband still jealous with you on your ages. Just relax and follow what your husband want. As long as can make both of you happy. And don't forget to pray to God cause He will can help you always.
@pupupd (1516)
• India
26 Jan 10
May be you are right. Jugs you are so beautiful that your husband feels unsecure and is very protective about you. You must not feel bad, sometimes it is good that your husband feels jealuos because it shows that he still loves you. Trust and jealous are completely different. He trusts you but he is jealous because you are friends with someone who is younger and may be more handsome than your husband. Give him some time too and don't leave him alone. He too needs your attention. It will work out!
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
25 Jan 10
I'm kind of confused by your very first statement. You say: 'I do not mind that there is that side to my husband, but, I draw the line at him not trusting me.' The very fact that he is jealous is proof that he doesn't trust you. That's what jealousy is. A distrust of someone. When a man gets jealous like that toward me I don't put up with that at all. If you can't trust me then you have a problem and I tell him to take a hike to hell. Most times when people show jealousy it's usually unfounded and simply comes from their own sense of insecurities. You shouldn't put up with it either. That is not healthy and in the end you may be paying for it. It's usually the first sign of abuse from a man toward his wife, girlfriend, etc. All I can say is be very careful and watch for signs of it getting out of hand. If it does GET OUT!! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@pupupd (1516)
• India
26 Jan 10
No, you are not actually saying it correct. Trust and jealousy is different. Jealousy doesn't mean you completely mistrust that person, it means that you are possesive and you don't want that person to talk or be friends with others. Jealousy arises from possesiveness. And it also shows one more thing that the person still loves you and is thus jealous. He/she doesn't want you to give time to others and rather spend time with me. Here jug's husband wants her to give time to him and not to some other person in facebook. Also he feels insecure because of what he did in the past. He has a fear as well that his wife will take revenge.
@34momma (13891)
• United States
24 Jan 10
wow... somethings people start acting like this because they are doing something wrong. so i would be really careful with him starting acting like this out of the blue. your spouse being jealous or not trusting you is never ever a good thing. I would not be happy about this and i would find out what is really going on behind him acting like this now.
@jugsjugs (13038)
12 Feb 10
I had thought that perhaps he has done something and wants to turn it all on i have done something where as i know that i have not done anything wrong.I do feel rather honoured that he feels jealous, as normally he never shows his feelings towards me.I have asked him why he is feeling insecure as i would never look at getting into a relationship with anyone else as i have not got the time as well as no interest in another person.
@DOLLYBABY (2534)
• United States
24 Jan 10
i do believe all men are jealous...my husband is very jealous but it won't admit to it...it would be kind of some what how weird if there's no man that is not jealous...most of them are jealous and don't show it and there are others who don't admit to it..but most likely there are few of 3% out of a 100 % who are not jealous..but it's not just only men who are jealous...both men and women is jealous..it is a part of our instinct...it's a part of who we are.
@jugsjugs (13038)
24 Jan 10
I think that if a person do not trust the person they are with after they have been together for well over 13 years as well as they have 6 children.I think it is funny how all the years i have been married that he only now shows that he can be jealous.Alot of things have happened over the years that has put a strain on our marriage but he do not know the person who he has married anymore either that or he has never trusted me.
@zandi458 (27948)
• Malaysia
24 Jan 10
I think it is normal to have that jealousy feelings if the other party discover something suspicious in what he read. He is only human to be jealous of you and you should appreciate the fact that when there is jealousy there is love. If he doesn't show any kind of emotion then there must be something not right with him. I like my man to show a little bit of jealousy so I feel wanted. Making up after a jealousy misunderstanding is refreshing.
@jugsjugs (13038)
31 Jan 10
I know that his ex girl friend used to sleep around behind his back all the time and this may be the reason why he do not trust me,but just because she was like that do not mean that all the women are like her as well.I had this ex that also slep with one of my friends but i would never point the finger at him as not every man is the same.
@dorannmwin (36656)
• United States
12 Feb 10
After 13 years you would think that your husband would have all of the trust in the world for you. I can't believe that is missing from your relationship. I've only been married to my husband for going onto six years now, but I know that I trust him with all of my heart and I believe that he trusts me just the same way. The only time that I even so much as see jealousy in our relationship is in the fact that I like to go out with my girlfriends and he is jealous that I get to go out with my friends on a weekly basis.
@liannejc (57)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
Jealusy is an inevitable feeling. We get hurt because we love. We trust then we let go. A relationship cycle; a reality. For me, adjustment to marraige may take years. We really cannot tell if our hubbies had totally shared the stories of thier past relationships that might disturb the present. It is something that most guys don't want to discuss. The good part of your situation is you are talking out your doubts, nevermind the shouts and temper, they are still ways of communication. It means your are working it out.
@liannejc (57)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
Jealusy at times is not something we could avoid but of course it is the Love that mellowed it down. We love and we got hurt. We trust then we let it go. Though we got bounderies but that is the cycle; the reality. Think of the brighter side at least you are discussing it with him much more better than leving it in the closet.