What would you do if you caught your husband with another girl?

Singapore
January 25, 2010 9:11pm CST
My husband was cheating on me and I knew about it. Recently he promised to get back to the family and I could see the changes that came over him. He text me more often, calls me and tells me his whereabouts. At the end of the day, he would fetch me from work and we'd go home together. Everything was going rather smoothly. But one day, I had a terrible instinct that he was with that girl again. He was scheduled to meet me at one of the train stations. I said okay. But later he text me saying that his cell phone battery is flat and to meet me at the next train station nearer our home. I agreed. Judging from the location he said he was, I decided to skip two trains, with the intention to coincide with the train he was on. When the third train came, I stepped in and saw them together. I made sure he caught my eye, turned around and walked out of the train. My question is, what would you have done in my situation? Would you have stayed in the same train? Would you have confronted your husband? or the girl? Would you have shouted and kicked a big fuss to embarrass him in public?
7 people like this
39 responses
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
i would do exactly the same thing you did that day, catch him red handed... make sure to let him know you know and not make a scene. and he better not come home or he'll get more than a scene. aside from neglect, one thing i could not tolerate in a relationship is the cheating. because those two are choices a person makes. take note, no one forces a person to cheat in a relationship. people wanted to, that's why they do it. i also think confrontation in public won't do you good. two against one is a losing battle even if you are the wronged one. because frankly, you wouldn't know whose side your husband would take on. cheating once is one matter that is already hard to swallow (for me). doing it again is something that would take a long time forgiving. so what's your status now? what happened after that incident?
• Singapore
19 Feb 10
I guess I left my story hanging to obtain reactions from mylotters. Actually he ran after me and left the girl in the train. I continued to walk off while he tried to stop me. He held on my arm very hard and I stopped and asked him to let go. That was when I could not control myself anymore. The train has long passed. I asked him what happened there. He requested time to explain himself which I did. We talked at a nearby park till midnight. I questioned why he hid information from me. I told him to go to that girl. He didn't want to. He knew it is disadvantageous to do so at this moment. I'm monitoring the situation and watching him very closely. One false move and he will have to shift out.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
26 Jan 10
I seriously think you handled it very well, You held your composer and did not make a seen. If it was me, I think I would have spouted off something and then turned and walked out. Most people go after the girl, but it takes two. He is as guilty as she is, if not more.
2 people like this
• Singapore
17 Feb 10
Hi thoroughrob, I guess I purposely did not tell the entire story and what happened after that. He actually ran after me and tried to hold me back from walking ahead. That was when I started to shout at him, first to let my arm go and second to ask what happened down there. Yes, I believe that it takes two to tango. He cheated on me and I blame both of them for ruining my marriage.
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
if he do cheated..i wont do embarassed him in the public. Instead i'll talk to him and ask him if he do still love me...if his reason was he got tempted with the girl or it's just due to temptation that he couldn't resist..then i would advice him to take care of the wedding vows we promised on the altar..and that he would stop meeting the girl and avoid having relationship with another girl.
• Singapore
17 Feb 10
Embarrassing him in public was not my idea. In fact, I think he is embarrassed enough by what he did. I guess he could not resist temptation. He told me that they are no more together, but what happened, was my question to him. If he thinks that he can continue to maintain a relationship with this girl, I will be the one to leave.
@raynejasper (2326)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
..Hi.. I do salute you for what you did.. For me, I would do the same.. There's no use of making some fuss in the train.. I will just be embarassing myself and waste my energy if I will shout at him.. It is enough for me to show my husband that I caught him with his girl if I'm in your situation.. I would just go home and wait for him at home then confront him.. Then I will tell him that it's over.. I've given him second chance and he didn't do well.. the tendency is, he will do it over and over again.. and I don't want to suffer the same pain.. I'd rather focus my attention to my children if I have and move on with my life..
• Singapore
17 Feb 10
I had intended to take a different means of transport home, but he ran after me. That was when I lost my cool and I started shouting in public. It was terrible. He asked me to calm down and we started walking towards the park to have a heart-to-heart talk. He told me that he was always too late. I told him that he need to keep me current with what's going on. He told me that he was going to tell me about it. Like when? Too late! If it was not for my daughter, I would not have allowed him to even step in the house. I would pack his things and leave it outside the door. He try and do this again, and he can forget about coming home at all.
@jho2010 (155)
• Philippines
27 Jan 10
hi there! You are wise enough to caught him red handed and i admire you for having the strength to control your emotions when you caught them.If i were in that situation, i will never say a word, but i will also make sure that they will see me by directly walking in front of them and i want to slap my husbands face.That's it...and about the girl, i'll just ignore her. Well, that's just what im thinking right now as i have read your story, but of course i still dont know what im gonna do when it comes.But for sure, i really cannot say a word, because i maybe bursting in tears at that moment. Your husband was a good actor, when you caught him cheating, he's sorry and tried to console and comfort you by being extra sweet and making promises.But after he gain your trust, there he goes again, cheating on you.Don't you feel tired on his cheating? When we got married to the person we love we had a hope that both of you will live happily ever after, but sad to say it only happens in fairytales.In reality, life is full of uncertainties and unexpected things and situations. No matter how hard we try, we cannot control some situations.In your case,if i were you, i would set him free, so both of you can have space and time to think clearly.If he realized that you are still the person he loved and he wants to live life with you,then he will come back for sure.But if he really find that the other girl can make him satisfied,then you must accept the fact that you were never really meant for each other.I know it's hard for you to accept that, but come to think of it, would you still want to live with him, while deep in your heart you knew he's cheating on you, you will never have peace of mind in a situation like that.I rather set him free and focus my attention to my children. You better decide carefully and wisely for your own good and if you have children.
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
27 Jan 10
Very well said...
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
27 Jan 10
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this kind of thing, Syd. That was an awful experience and something that even I couldn't stomach, should I see my own partner with someone else. And to think about the fact that he lied to you just moments before that, saying that his battery was flat. So that means this lady that is with him know that he's married..and is still doing that to you, from a lady to another lady, whom is you. This kind of situation has happened to men too, and no matter what, infidelity truly hurts and it can never be easy. The problem is, people whom are cheating their spouses and the person whom solicits with them are nonchalant about it, and that's what makes it disappointing. Be patient, Syd. I don't know whether this lady knows or not about your husband's situation with you. If he's not worth it, it's really not worth to hold on to. No matter how many times you try to work out, if he's still like that, then there's no point. Unless he chooses to totally be faithful and truthful to you, and can prove it. Take care, Syd.
@jho2010 (155)
• Philippines
27 Jan 10
hi zed! Unfaithful wives or husbands makes us think what have we done wrong, and feel very insecured, and there are some who even blamed themselves. But that's just at the beginning, when we start to realize that it's not our fault, in fact it's the cheating spouse's fault, then finally we would ask what are we going to do?, how we are going to deal with our spouse? What does it take to win him/her back? How about the kids and the conjugal property? How about the financial support in case you have small childrens? What about your parent's and in laws,what are they going to say? What's gonna happen next? ahhh....endless questions that makes your mind feels like it will going to explode.Then, here you are trapped in the state of emotional burden, but you have to continue living life.Although it's really hard to face reality, we have to and we must because if we don't, life will become miserable and you are actually punishing yourself by the mistakes of others.Why do we need to be like that, we are all have the rights for happiness...it's just a matter of CHOICE.... :-)
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
27 Jan 10
That's right; jho..too many implications to think about. I just wish the best for our friend Syd. She deserves a happy life, for sure.
@sblossom (2169)
26 Jan 10
I would do nothing and just divorce him. there is already no need to fight or have argument for it because of this behaviour. i know it's not easy to do, but sometimes it's the cruel side we should face in our life. so as a woman we should know how to protect ourselves. we still trust marriage and love,but we do need to be brave enough to face the things like that. i feel sorry for you. I have not found this affair of my husband, but he did another thing that is not tolerable. so i do understand your feelings. do some nice to yourself and be happier in your life just for yourself.
• Singapore
30 Jan 10
HI sblossom, To me, divorce is the easiest way out of the situation. I was at a crossroads before. I just needed to decide whether to accept him back again then. But I chose to be with him. It was one of the easiest decisions to make in my life, but it is one of the most difficult decisions to live with. Why was it more difficult to continue to be with him than to leave him, I thought to myself. But it was a choice I made and I have to live with it. I have come to accept God's challenge for me. We talked about it and I told him my expectations. And if he can't live with it, he can jolly well leave me and our daughter, and go with that girl.
@sblossom (2169)
30 Jan 10
I really feel sorry for what you have experienced. in fact i have a similar feeling like you. I also try to read other people's decision to see if i can get a support or power. recently i do think if i should divorve him, it's easier to make the dicision but for future it's not easy to go on. your situation is more difficult than me. you have a daughter. you should think more for her. but i think your talk with your husband doesn't work. if he can do what you wish the affair would not happen. just want to say love yourself more and try to protect yourself from his hurt.best regards.
@DuyenN (68)
• Canada
25 Apr 10
First off, I'm sorry to hear about his infidelity and you're strong for doing what you did because I would have done the exact same thing. Sometimes the strongest impression isn't through words and actions, but simply through a look and a walk-a-way. You did right because if you cause a scene in the train, you're just publicizing your husband's unfaithfulness to the curious audiences on that train. When you embarrass him, you end up embarrassing yourself because you let a man like that get to you. I know it hurts and you might feel like slapping the both of them in their faces, but holding in your anger and walking away and waiting for another train emphasizes your maturity. I just hope you have learn that once a cheater, will always be a cheater, especially if you're the one he's been cheating on.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
Hi DuyenN, It has been tough. I have been terribly hurt and greatly disappointed. I told myself that God will punish him, I need not give him any tight slap at all. And there were things that happened to make him realise his mistakes thereafter. Now he is spending more time at home, with the family, not gallivanting outside till midnight. He's trying to make amends, but my heart has closed in on him. I pray, if he is meant for me, then good. If he is not, then I'm willing to let him go. Anytime now... Thing is now, that girl is not contacting him anymore. I hope it continues that way. One wrong move by him and he's out. I will kick him out. He knows that. He's afraid he's got nowhere to go.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
25 Apr 10
Hi, SydneyHazelton. You did the right thing. I would not make a fuss, I would just simply tell him. "I caught you, and your divorce papers will be on its way." I would then turn to the woman and say, "how do you like having my leftovers." And then I would leave them both, to think about what I have just said to them.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
That's a good one, cream97... I can't say that I'm happy the way things are going between us. I told myself that God will punish him, in the here and now, and the thereafter. And looks like he's being punished now. There are some other things that happened over the time this discussion was started and today. He looks like he is repenting. He's spending more time and money on family. That girl is no longer contacting him anymore, to his frustration. I don't care anymore. Another wrong move, he knows he has to pack his bags and leave, or I would do it.
@maharlikah (1045)
• Philippines
25 Apr 10
If I were on that situation, I will just leave them together and when he come home I will talk to him and let him decide whether to stay or to go with that girl. And let the story ends.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
I did leave them together, Maharlikah, but my hubby chased after me. I was going to leave the train station and take a bus home. I had plans to pack my bags and leave. He caught up and said he wanted to explain himself. I gave him a chance. I told him I really wanted to slap him. He gave his face for me to slap, but I told him there was no point to it. I didn't give him the satisfaction of instilling a punishment for him. Let God punish him. He has His ways. And true enough, there were some things that happened that caused a change in his behaviour. But I'm not truly convinced that he is totally repentant. But we shall wait and see...
@mylila (107)
• Malaysia
24 Apr 10
Hi Sydney, I trusts my husband so much I can't imagine to see him with other woman. If I were in your situation, I would stay in the same train, confront him after we got off the train, and in a calm tone, would ask for a divorce. To me, the trust that I've had for him all these years would be somehow gone. Wouldn't give any second chance. Hope you are ok now.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
I trusted my husband. It was painful, he hurt me a lot with his behaviour. I asked him to choose between us. But he said that he chose me. At this point in time, things have gotten worse. I'm still with him, but situation is different. That girl has stopped contacting him. I don't know what's up next, but I have a wait and see attitude now. I'm monitoring him closely, very closely. I'm upset that it has come to this, but I would have to decide on matters really soon.
@Khayam (346)
• Romania
24 Apr 10
My vision is that compromises are ruinous if they work against your aims and dreams in the long term. I personally think that when cheating occurs, this happens because of both members of that couple's guilt. However, the most important aspect is that your child personality and social behaviour is influenced by the environmental and habitual aspects of your home. Domestic quarells/fights/etc shape the proper conceptual climate for your child's ideas, visions, images, perceptions to suffer important mutations. In this context I think is less important if you shouted and kicked a bug fuss to embarrass him in public (an almost natural social behaviour especially if you take into consideration that marriage itself is nothing but a social agreement) but the effects of your marriage's dissruptions on your kid.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
That's a good point. We are always thinking of our daughter. We seldom quarrel in front of her. But I know she could sense the unhappiness between us. She has been cranky and wants our attention all the time. At this point, I'm still with my husband. The situation has gotten more complicated, but the complication led to him realizing his mistakes. He has been spending time at home and with the family more often. He tells me that he is trying to make things wokr. His idea of making things work can be warped. We'll just have to see whether we can survive this. I have trust issues with him now. I'm monitoring him closely and he hates it. Too bad, he's got to regain my trust in him. He realises that he made me the way I am now. I never had a problem - I used to trust him fully. It's different now. If he wants this family, then he's got to work on it.
• Philippines
2 Apr 10
wow. that's really tough. sometimes I do think about what I would do should I catch my husband cheating. In the movies you see the woman screaming and confronting the mistress, etc. That would have been dramatic and the mistress would be embarassed. but then again is all that drama necessary? I guess it would depend on how the person really is, but for me, I will probably do what you did. I salute your strength and I do hope you are okay.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
Hi maanrodriguez, It's tough, but I didn't want to confront the girl. I only need to confront my husband. Some other things have surfaced, but it has made my husband realise that he made a grave mistake. At this moment, he tells me that he is willing to try. I'm giving him a chance. I lost trust in him and he knew this. He just need to reassure me all the time now. It never used to be that way. At this point, I often reminded him how much he has hurt me, what he did, and how it has changed the way I am now. He is trying to make amends, but I know that his ideas are bit warped in this area. I will just have to wait and see what happens next. Watching him closely.
@trisha27 (3496)
• United States
14 Mar 10
Wow, that is so messed up. Well, in the first moment, I would have never taken him back, because it would be hard for me to even trust him any more. Even if he promised to change and even with him showing it. Because I would just be too hurt, and I couldn't trust him any more. If I were to go back with him (and it was highly likely that I would not go back with him), and he was still haging out with the girl when I caught him in the train. I would not cause a scene, I would not leave the train, but yes I would make sure that he saw me and a very angry face. I'd try to make it home before him, change the locks and throw all his stuff outside and not let him back in. I would have thought to myself, I knew I shouldn't have gone with him and believed him when he said that he would change and it would make me wonder during all that time he was supposedly changing, was he really changing, or while he was putting on a show about him changing was he still hanging out with that girl. I'd let him know that I was really hurt and that I would want nothing more to do with him and that I would be filing for divorce immediately. I hope though that you make a decision that is best for you and what I always tell people is to go with your heart and listen to what it is telling you. If your heart is telling you to give him another chance, then you should, but if it is telling you that it is time to let him go, then let him go. There's no point in staying in a relationship that you are not happy or where you can't trust the person that you are with.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
I agree with you Trisha. Sometimes I wonder whether I made a mistake taking him back. But some things happen for a reason, I believe. I went with my heart, sometimes it fails to make the right one. But as for now, he told me that he wants to forget the past and make amends. I'm giving him a chance (another one, you might think?). He is spending more time with the family. Trust issues is severe. In fact, I still don't trust him fully. But I'm watching him constantly, even when he's at work. I told him that he needs to reassure me if he wants to regain my trust or truly want to get back to the family. I don't know how long our marriage is going to last. I told him how he has hurt me, how he has changed me because of what he did... I'm now more aggressive, untrusting and he can try his luck by meeting the girl and I will lock him out! He knows that too well, because it has happened before. One wrong move by him and out he goes now! I don't care anymore.
• United States
3 Feb 10
my hubby and i split up last year... he ended up sleeping with this girl and never told me... that is until she came up pregnant... n e ways... so for the last nine months we have been going thru hell with this girl... she doesnt want the hubby to have n e kind of rights... and she keeps telling him that she would be more apt to let him in the babys life if he just signed off... well he and i have a 5 year old little girl that we have to take care of and we live paycheck to paycheck... so he is thinking seriously abbout doing it... then i realized that the dates of her pregnancy dont really add up to it being my hubbys... so i told him... then he started asking around... come to find out she was still screwing around with some guy from another town... n e ways... if i were you and there arent n e kids involved i would drop him like a bad habit... but if there are kids involved then i would do what uyou think is best for the children...
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
I'm doing certain things for my child. But I may not be entirely happy about it. At this moment, the girl has not contacted my hubby for sometime. The main reason being that my husband can't spend time with her anymore, because he spend them with me and our daughter. I'm also keeping a close watch on his moves, to ensure that they don't meet. That girl got upset and refused to talk to him. Things are different now. I'm different. He tries something funny and out he goes! He knows what I am like now.
@wilulvme (40)
• United States
2 Feb 10
I think you did right by letting him know he was caught red handed. Now the trick part of your story is you didn't mention him running after you. Now, if he stayed on the train with that other lady than that is where he needs to be. Really nothing to talk about. The choice was made then. He he did come running behind you pleating, and begging. He is still wrong. Because he put her before you and your feelings and you are wify...Either or i would leave him.
• Singapore
25 Apr 10
He saw me and ran after me, left the girl in the train. He knew he was caught red-handed. His was white like a sheet. I felt like slapping him for what he did and he was readily willing to let me, but I said that there is no point to that. I didn't allow him the satisfaction to afford a "punishment" for his wrongful act. I told myself, let God punish him. He begged me to listen to him. We talked till midnight at a park nearby because we didn't want to make a scene at home. Now things are different, very much different. He knows how I am like now. Any wrong moves by him, he's out! I will lock him out. He tries to see that woman again and it's over between us. So far so good. He needs to know that I am now was caused by what he did. I'm no longer the subservient sort anymore.
@thebestmom (1105)
• Philippines
31 Jan 10
to be honest, i cannot imagine what i will do. but i am sure that i will not make a fuss in public. i am just thankful that my husband is very open to me and i just trust him very much.
• Singapore
31 Jan 10
Hi thebestmom, I have never imagined what I would have done if this happened. I trusted my husband 100 percent before this happened. Now that the trust is broken, there is a need to rebuild this trust all over again. I have to work on this broken marriage. It is hard work.
@iakulchen (615)
• Singapore
29 Jan 10
Hi Sydney, haven't talked to you for some time. Going to offer a guy's point of view (as in if I caught my girlfirend cheating on me on the mrt.) Seriously, I don't know what I would do. Logically, I feel that confronting her in the heat of the moment is a bad idea and will likely lead to a lot of yelling, to put things mildy, and I would likely have made the same choice as you. Emotionally, I'm not sure if I can handle walking away just like that. In the heat of the moment, I think it's just as likely that I would have confronted her. All in all, I think you handled the situation quite well.
• Singapore
30 Jan 10
Hi iakulchen, It's been really a long time since we contacted each other at mylot. Over the past chaotic year, many things have happened in my marriage life. I have been very depressed and could not bring myself to mylot a lot. Well, he eventually ran after me and I did yell at him. What I related was only half the story. To make long story short, he has promised before this incident that he would leave her. But what happened before my eyes showed that God is great to show me the reality. I know that it is not easy for him and I told him that I was willing to give him the support to get back to the family. But what he did truly hurt me. But we'll just monitor what happens from now. As of now, he has been making a lot of changes and shown his willingness to change. Only God can tell.
@msedge (4012)
• United States
29 Jan 10
relationship - I have strong relationship with my hubby.
I will do the same as what you did.But the decision is for you to make whether your going to forgive him or not.It happened to me on my first marriage.I forgive him knowing that their relationship was not serious as he said.I thought nothing happened between them intimately.But i found it out and saw it in my owm eyes.Its hard when theres a third party involve.I decided not to forgive him and move on with my life having our daughter as my strenght to carry the pain and of course i always keep my faith no matter what happened.Luckily, i met the best man i ever known.Now i am happily married with him and he loves my daughter as his own.Things happen for a reason.Be strong and think many times before you decide.Good luck!
• Singapore
30 Jan 10
Hi msedge, Thank you for your personal insight in the matter. I was at a crossroad just a couple of weeks back. He declared a divorce on me and in my religion, it is valid. As such, I had a choice to leave him. He promised to leave the girl and come back to the family. And we arranged to reverse the divorce. When this happened, I was very upset. He knew. When he ran out of the train after me, I could not contain myself. I yelled at him to go with the girl and leave me alone. But he pursued and we eventually talked. He has been doing so well before this happened, keeping in touch with me, fetching me from work, etc. But when I saw what I saw, I knew that that was the first opportunity they had together since we reunited. So I had wanted to know what triggered the situation. Proximity at work really did not help. He had requested for a transfer to a different location. BUt nothing has turned up yet. I have decided to forgive him this time. Trust has been broken and it's very difficult to mend this broken marriage. I have to work on it real hard.
• Philippines
27 Jan 10
I think what you did is the right thing to do. You shouldn't be shouting or kicking them off inside the train .You should talk to your husband when he gets home. if you had confronted them at the train, you are also going to put yourself in shame. You are a woman with dignity. Don't let them ruin your poise. Stand up with your chin firm and up. You already gave him a chance. third chances are stupidity.
• Singapore
30 Jan 10
Hi chikahdorah, I did not kick a fuss in the train, but I could not stand it when he ran out of the train after me to console me. I lost my cool. The girl remained in the train which has left the station by then. She was too afraid to even turn around to look at me. I yelled at my husband. He asked to be given a chance to explain. I said fine. We sat down and talked till midnight. I reiterated my stand and my expectations very clearly. If it happens again, there is no more chances for him. I'm willing to forgive, but forgetting is difficult to do.