How would you react to this scenario...

@laydee (12811)
Philippines
January 26, 2010 12:01am CST
What if a guy courts you, and you fall in love with a guy only to know after several weeks in the relationship, that he has a child (8years old) with a woman in another city. The mother is still single and is head-over-heels in love with your boyfriend. He visits often. You ask him how the 'relationship' is with him and the mother, and he replies that he doesn't have plans to marry her, and that she's too old, and he wants to marry you. But when they're together they're like husband and wife. Whew.. How'd you react to that?
1 person likes this
16 responses
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
this brings back a very sad chapter. i've been blind once. good thing i moved on already. 6 years ago, i reacted differently. but given this scenario today, my reaction will be way way different than i did back then. i realized no matter how much you would love each other, his heart will always be torn in two, his attention, his time, his priorities etc. for as long as the mother of his child is very much present in his life (single and still longing) it will never work out. he will always put his child first in everything he does. postponed visits, cancelled dates, forgotten occasions... all leading to neglect. you would want to trust his love, but whenever you know they are together as a family, there's a twisting pain inside. it wouldn't have mattered if it's only his child, but together with the child's mother (still very much in the picture)... no. i've been in this road once. and it's once too many. been blinded with love, been consumed with too much trust, been hurt, been burnt. i'll pass. no matter how much i like or come to love the guy... thank you but i'll pass.
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
Very well said. I too would opt not to make things complicated with my life, but still I'm just a friend with an opinion, and I can not force her to leave him. I have warned her against what you've mentioned, but I don't know, it's still up to her. What would you have told my friend if you were in my shoes?
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
... that there are people who were in the exact same shoes she's wearing and that the fit is not nice, not comfortable and leaving the person open to pain. ... that the very same people will gladly trade the shoes for a better one. one that isn't complicated to wear. still the decision is still up to your friend. i just can't avoid feeling sad for her... having been on the exact same shoes as hers. but hey, her story and mine could be very different. but let her know the best and worst case scenarios. be a friend. she'll need that. either way, she'll need that.
1 person likes this
@SimpleBB (1332)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Sorry to say this, laydee. But without a second thought, I would say it's cheating. Why? In the first place, why he didn't tell you about it right before he feels a person falling for him? Even he's going to marry that person, when they're together they seems they are couple, because probably they look like a complete family. I think the relationship that start with a lie will probably not prosper. Maybe we still have to take time to know this guy. Find time what else is he hiding. That's not impossible, because he did it once. Anyway, this is just an opinion, but it's the girl who knows this guy and must have the decision.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Yeah, I thought so too. I just think it was very cunning of him to be laying down his cards carefully making sure that she fall for him first before telling her the truth. I think he just took advantage of her kindness.
@Ladyslipper (1330)
• Philippines
27 Jan 10
Hi Laydee! If I will be in that situation I would definitely end the relationship right away. In the first palce, if he is sincere with me he should have been honest. Second, if he is serious with me he should avoid having intimate relationship with the mother of her child. He can always visit his child. I would not deprived him of that right. However, it does not mean that he still should act as if he and the girl are still in a relationship. Now, if he cannot set a he mother limit or boundary between him and of his child then it would be better for him to stay away from me. I would never want to have anything to do with him ever again!
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Well since the time I made the discussion, the situation just got complicated. He has told her that he is married to the girl with whom he has a child with. But claims that he was only forced because she was pregnant and that he doesn't love her. It's quite confusing for her, but I know she would make the right decision in the end.
• Philippines
27 Jan 10
I think you really couldn't compete with the other family of your husband... well not really family cause they are not married but you can consider them as kind of "family". They have a child and the mother as you said is in love with your boyfriend. If i were in your shoes, I would find other guy. The situation is just very complicated. there is so much possibilities that your boyfriend will get hooked by the other girl. Or ask your boyfriend to marry you as soon as possible.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Well.. It just got more and more complicated. He now recently told her that he was actually married to her but it was only by force because she was already pregnant. I know it is easy for us (outsiders) to just simply tell her to quit and just move on. But if you were really in a situation when you really found yourself to be truly in love with someone, it's tougher. I don't really know what her decision is. But I'm hoping that whatever she decides, it would end up good. But I'm still concerned about the wife and the kid. It's tough to break up a family just because you feel that you 'love' the person. Love is not worth destroying a family.
@maezee (37230)
• United States
26 Jan 10
I would be shocked that he didn't tell me at first, but then again, a few weeks is hardly a whole lot of time to go without knowing. It could be years, which would be much much worse. But I think him using the reason "she's too old" would make me wonder why he was interested in ME (if I were your/whoever's shoes). Is that really a good reason not to marry someone? You'd think if anything, he might say something like "We're not in love" or something. *shrugs*. Seems a little funny. I would be cautious of that situation, and very wary..Because it seems like there's a lot more to this guy than we all think!
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Actually this isn't something that is happening to me, it's my friend's situation. I also reacted when I heard that reaction from him, I was a bit uneasy. I mean, he was too concerned with the physical look of the girl, we all grow old eventually, it only shows that he's only after the physique of my friend. We have told her to be cautious. But it seems that he already has her in his pocket. But we're hoping that things aren't what we're thinking it to be. I just hope that he would show his real intentions soon and that she would understand what he is really all about.
• United States
26 Jan 10
i would tell the other woman and break it off with the guy
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Which other woman? The woman who has child with the guy?
• United States
26 Jan 10
Ouch, sorry for the pain and problems this is sure to be causing you. On the one side it's a good thing he's involved with his child, but, if the relationship with the X is more than just co-parenting I'd be out of that relationship fast! Hopefully you don't have to much invested in the relationship if you decide to leave. best of luck to you, btw, yep, I've been there before too.
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
Oh, don't worry, this isn't my story. This is a friends', and I'm trying to figure out how to advise her on the matter. She clearly is hurt, but had the tendency to accept him once again because I feel she's to understanding at this point in the relationship.
@maiohmai (82)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
Your boyfriend lied to you. That's a negative point. If he really has good intentions in having a relationship with you he should have told you earlier about his child. Honesty plays a big role in one's relationship to be successful. Since your boyfriend did not tell you the truth earlier, you never know what's really going on between him and the mother of the child. So keep distance first as you might be ruining their family bond. If he tells you that its you that he wants to marry, do not believe him yet. He might be telling you that so he can keep you. Trust me.. some guys really do that to keep their girls with them. =)
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
Actually, this isn't about me and my boyfriend, it's about a friend of mine. I guess the guy didn't tell her right on because she's quite a difficult person to court. Perhaps him telling her in advance about his situation would lead her into not accepting his courtship. However, I do agree with you when you said that he might just be telling her these things (the wanting to marry her instead of the mother) to keep her. We won't know if he's really sincere for now. I did tell my friend about my thoughts on such a situation, and have told her that it'd be better if she just avoided the complications. However, it will always be up to her to decide.
@vivianchen (2646)
• China
26 Jan 10
Hi Laydee, If i am in your situation, if i am not in love with him badly, just enjoying being with him, i will be fine for a while, but i will definitely leave that man. It's easy to understand, he HAS a FAMILY! He has a kid, and a wife! Although he might not admit that, but the blood relationship between the son and the father will always be there. If you insist to be together and move forward, you have to perpare for a long, tough journey! Good luck!
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Oh. How do you cope with such a situation? Don't you get paranoid if he decides to leave you first? Perhaps it's different when you're not really in love with the person badly from that with the person who's really in love. It's really sad.
@ybong007 (6657)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
de ja vu...
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
Why? has this happened to you too?
• India
26 Jan 10
really it is a bad situvation i think the man nerver wants to leave the wife or the girlfriend he will be using same technic .here bothwill be affected the has nothing to lose he will have false life with nboth of them better to avoid the man and find a better partner
1 person likes this
• India
26 Jan 10
Boy is that the worst position you could find yourself in. It is for you to decide what to do. However, personally I feel you should get out of that relationship before you can say Nicholas Nickelby. I
1 person likes this
• India
26 Jan 10
Relationship are more important than marrying someone. It is not an issue as to what that man feels about some other lady in his life,rather what matters of utmost concern is that he has been in relationship and is with a child .He should have concern for the baby and the motherly love that baby needs for the overall development. If the person has no feeling to this situation he can never feel for what you are in the midst of. Better keep thy safe from the eyes of him.
1 person likes this
@amyson (3509)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
i think from the very beginning i will confront him to tall me if he is married i want to clear up from the very beginning.and i know that he is married then i wont continue our relationship even i like him but since it is wrong i think it should be stop as early as i can do to prevent pain and so on.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (38994)
• Philippines
26 Jan 10
hello laydee, Well,if you may ask my opinion,i think the guy is not sincere enough for his feelings towards her present gf. In the first place...if he really loves her,he should have confess that,he has a child from his past. A child is not a big deal in a relationship...it's a matter of trust. If this guy denied his own kid,can he be truthful once in his life?...what more with his feelings? He can say "i love you "to every women he court,and will court someday(if given chance) Ok,granting that,he needs to lie to his gf becoz,the girl might get confused or neglect him if she found that he had a kid from his past. But,at least,when they start their relationship...he can slowly tell his gf about his son.(i am sure the girl will understand and maybe will admire him for being honest). So,..if i have to rate this guy...(still seeing the mother of his son)..he is just pulling everyone noses. Taking advantage to both women. Have a good day always(it's just my opinion dear)
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 10
If you don't mind being the other woman then stay in the relationship. If you do, get the heck out. Its far worse to have somebody thinking they are pulling one over on somebody else and using you in the process. I would run tail the other way because it won't look favorable on you as the one who is hindering the other woman's life.
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
It's sad really. I'm sad for my friend for going thought such a situation. But what can I say? We're merely spectators of other people's lives. But if I were my friend, I know I would get out of that ASAP.