Three Children - Three Daddies

Gabs

@gabs8513 (48686)

• United Kingdom

16 Feb 10

Exactly Alice and that is what makes me so mad People always are quick to talk about others but never look at themselves

2 people like this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

12 Feb 10

I think that you might be right that this person just wanted to gossip, and perhaps she wanted to sound more interesting by divulging this "scandalous" information. She may have told other people and gotten a completely different reaction, which might be why she seemed to expect a similarly shocked and repulsed reaction from me. She did seem confused and a little disappointed that I did not "get" it.

2 people like this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

16 Feb 10

I agree with both of you. I am not sure the reasons for why the marriages did not work out, and I really do not need to know. I think that the fact that her and her exes still get along, even if it is only for the sake of the children, is the most important part. As you say, there are many reasons why marriages do not work, and the fact that there is several years between each one suggests that she did not just jump from one to another without giving each a chance. Even so, it is not anybody's business. I do not feel the need to justify why my first marriage didn't work out, and I don't think that anyone else should have to either.

1 person likes this

scarlet_woman

@scarlet_woman (23465)

• United States

13 Feb 10

nope.things happen. some people just look for stuff you know.. you'd think the fact she was married to all 3 at some point would be enough. i know a guy with 8 kids by 5 mothers..but i bet he wouldn't get the stink eye. if that 20 year old's at home though,i'd be telling him/her to get a job myself.

2 people like this

people

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

16 Feb 10

I had mentioned that I wondered whether or not she would have had the same opinion about a guy that had children with three different mothers, especially if he had been married to all three women. It seems that women are often judged far more harshly than men for doing the exact same things. I think that often women are held to a higher standard, but that is neither fair to women nor saying very much about the character of men (at least nothing positive about their character, which also is not fair). I am not entirely sure whether or not the twenty year old had a job or was still living at home. I believe he was in college and staying at the dormitory, but probably went home on breaks and such.

1 person likes this

polachicago

@polachicago (18716)

• United States

7 Feb 10

I don't see any problem here. Things happen. She was having kids while she was married and she is happy about it. It didn't happen year apart, it happened years apart. Some people have business in other peoples life and they are too judgmental...

2 people like this

kids

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

That was my thought, too. I mean really how was she supposed to know that her first or even second marriages were not going to work out. They decided to have children and are all active in their lives, so I do not see what the problem is. I think that part of it, at least for this person, might be the multiple marriages, since when I asked about that she could not give me a straight answer. However, that is still being unnecessarily judgmental, especially since I do not think that there are many people that enter into marriage with the idea that they are eventually going to get divorced.

heathcliff

@heathcliff (1415)

• United States

7 Feb 10

Unfortunately multiple-father families pose terrible problems for the chidren. It is not impossible to raise good kids in that situation but it puts everyone involved into difficult situations. Adults absolutely have the right to marry, divorce and remarry in my mind, but every serious relationship that has the potential to produce children should be entered into with the understanding that a great del of energy may be needed down the road to support what seemed like an easy decision at the time. In the situation you describe, there does not seem to be a real problem, although the mental stress upon the kids is unknown. Certainly whoever brought up the "3 kids, 3 fathers problem" is used to looking down upon others based on their life choices and that is a major hurdle for all aspects of a free speech society. We can hope for open-mindedness and the heart to understand others but we seldom seem to get it.

2 people like this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

I agree that in most instances it is more difficult to raise children in multiple parent families, whether it is fathers, mothers or both. All the parents have to agree on the rules and consequences for disobeying the rules, and all the parents need to stick to the agreement and enforce the rules and consequences consistently. Of course there may be slightly different rules at each house, but the children have to be aware of the differences between the households, and even in this case consistency has to be maintained. I am sure that this woman did not enter into any of these marriages or decide to have children with each of her husbands with the thought that it was eventually going to end in divorce. As far as I know, the third marriage is still going strong, by the way. Also, from the spacing of the children, it sounds like she didn't rush into anything in any of the relationships, either, although that is impossible to tell from the outside looking in. You make a good point about the mental stress that the situation might have put on the children. If the twenty year old is any indication, though, then the other children should be fine, too. The twenty year old was enrolled in college and doing well the last that I knew, although that does not guarantee that the other children will be as well adjusted. On the other hand, having two loving parents that stay together does not guarantee that, either.

SandrainSpain

@Sandra1952 (6047)

• Spain

7 Feb 10

Hello. PA. No, I don't see a problem. All three children know and love their fathers, and their parents have supported them and brought them up. It sounds as if they're all well adjusted, and as happy as any family can be, given that two divorces have taken place. At least all 3 kids started with two parents. Kids with different fathers doesn't always mean slapper and social security scrounger.

2 people like this

extended families

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

Sandra, I know that different fathers does not always mean anything, since both my girls have different fathers. I was married to both fathers, too. Maybe that is why I really do not understand, because in theory that could be me if I ever got divorced, remarried and had another child. Now that I think about it, just shoot me if I ever even think anything remotely like that - lol!

Seriously, though, I agree with what you are saying. I know a lot of people that have been divorced, and they do not get along with their exes, which makes it very difficult on the children. That is not the case here. In fact, all the fathers not only take part in their own child's life but also include the other children in activities, especially the father that has other children and step-children with his new wife. That is far better, in my opinion, than a lot of parents are doing after a divorce, even when they only have children with their ex.

cutelilbastart

@hexeduser22 (7253)

• Philippines

8 Feb 10

As most of the responders think in here I can see no problem also. I think the friend of yours is alarmed about how a woman could marry three times and have kids in each of the guy she married. I think she is one of the perfect family type person, as mentioned by another lotter who responded before me. I'm a product of illegitimacy, I knew who my father was. I didn't have a problem about family issues because I got a step father who treated me like his own so I'm pretty lucky on that department

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

First of all, Hex, congratulations on your beautiful blue star. Oh, that reminds me that I have to drop back into Alice's box and do a follow-up comment.

I think that it is great to have the goal of having the "perfect family", but what is perfect for one person might not be perfect for another. Also, things do not always work out the way we hope and plan, even when we try our best to make them work. I think that the best that we can strive for is to be the best people that we can be and raise our children in a happy, loving environment and try to teach them to be responsible and well-adjusted members of society. I think it is wonderful that your step-father treated you like his own son. I think that is the way that it should be, but unfortunately some people are not lucky enough to have that in their lives.

2 people like this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

9 Feb 10

Sunny, I hope that yours will be on its way soon. I have been working on trying to make it happen.

Unfortunately, by the time that you get yours, mine may have vanished. I guess that some people did not like the subject of this discussion, even though there were not really any people that openly disagreed with my view on the situation, because my rating fell from 97 to 96 overnight after posting this discussion.

I do not mind differences of opinion. In fact, I would love to hear someone that has a viewpoint of the woman that was telling me the story, because it might help me better understand the way other people think. Differences of opinion are good, especially when you are trying to have a discussion and see different perspectives on an issue. When someone negatively rates you and does not leave an explanation or anything, though, I find that frustrating. We are all entitled to an opinion, so why do some people feel that they can't voice them but yet negatively rate other people that do? I did not agree with the woman that was telling me the story, but I did not get nasty with her, either. I would hope for the same courtesy. Sorry for ranting in your response box, Hex.

None of that was aimed at you, but I knew that you would understand and not take offense, so I just chose here to vent about it.

2 people like this

@sunnycool (12714)

• India

9 Feb 10

congrats hex on your blue star--its an obvious one that my blue star might show off any time

just like the order we have been following in here----first PA crossed the 1k mark and then you and then me--so the same happens with the star too

2 people like this

critical

MsTickle

@MsTickle (25180)

• Australia

18 Feb 10

Was the person you spoke to older than you purp? The I'm guessing that the fact that the lady in the story had slept with 3 different men may have been the problem. That would make some elderly ladies minds boggle perhaps. Different strokes for different folks mate.

1 person likes this

weird

MsTickle

@MsTickle (25180)

• Australia

18 Feb 10

I certainly agree with everything you say but don't you think we make a judgement call every time we choose whether or not to associate with someone. For instance, I have discovered that one of the people I have to deal with in this town where I live is not quite honest and many of the people spend a lot of the time drinking and the language....let me say that the air becomes very blue around these folk. Now because of this I choose not to associate with these people. Is that not a judgement call?

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

18 Feb 10

Ms. Tickle, you might be right about that. I do not really think about age, especially when I am talking with people. Now that you ask the question, though, she was definitely older than me. If I had to guess, I would say she is probably in her late fifties or early sixties. I guess that might be the reason for the judgment. My parents are in their seventies, and I know that they were brought up in a totally different generation. Even my older siblings were brought up in a different generation, although we were all brought up with the same morals and values instilled in us. My parents do not judge people, but I do know that divorce was not common in their day. If you got a divorce, it had to be for something really bad and not just a "difference of opinion" or "we couldn't get along and live together". That might also explain why the woman that was telling me the story could not give me a straight answer about whether or not it would have been better if the woman in the story had married all three men but not had children with them. It might be a combination of the marriages, divorces, and children with different fathers that was so scandalous to her instead of just one of the factors. Thank you so much for the insight. That makes much more sense to me. I still do not think that we have a right to judge other people, but at least I can now perhaps understand where the woman was coming from in her judgment.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

19 Feb 10

Crap, I hate it when I have to think about things this early in the morning.

Let me go get another cup of coffee and ponder your question for a minute ... Alright, I am back, and I bet you didn't even miss me, did you?

Yes, you are making a judgment call by choosing not to associate with these people based on their actions and language. I am also judging this woman for judging the other woman, so I guess that we are both wrong (by "both" I mean the woman that told me the story and me for judging her based on the fact that she told me the story). I guess that judging people is just human nature, and we are all guilty of it, even though we try to be open-minded and not judge people. I cannot argue with your logic, since you are right. However, society deems it not only acceptable but also "good practice" to judge some things. What is and is not acceptable to judge, on the other hand, changes with the times and from one culture to the next. Therefore, I imagine that it is natural for us to see ourselves differently than we view other people, especially if we are not guilty of doing or being whatever we are judging the other person of doing or being. We may think of ourselves as being "open-minded", and yet we all make judgment calls on a daily basis. Perhaps being "open-minded" just means that we make fewer and less harsh judgments on a daily basis than the average person on a given subject. I guess that is a good lesson remember the next time that I want to judge somebody for judging somebody else.

1 person likes this

rameshkumaar57

@rameshkumaar57 (5908)

• India

8 Feb 10

Cultures differ. In our part of the world, it is quite taboo to even divorce ones husband and have a second marriage. If a woman does marry a second time, she is usually labelled as a loose woman. God forbid, if a woman marries for three times, and has three children from each husband, her children would never be able to marry. The reason being, the marriages in India are arranged marriages, and no family will give a boy or girl to such a woman.It is not that such things do not happen. They happen here also, but the incidences are far and few. As I have initially mentioned, cultures differ.

1 person likes this

rameshkumaar57

@rameshkumaar57 (5908)

• India

10 Feb 10

Regarding your first question, yes, the man is supposed to support his children, from his previous marriages. I am using the word supposed, because, when the man marries, a younger woman for the second or for the third time, usually the much younger second or third wife, sees to it, that the major support as well the major portion of the properties, are given to her children, and usually the first wives children get some crumbs. Things are changing now days, and some woman and their children are bold and brave enough to go to the court, and get the help of the courts to get a share of their properties. Of course my state government, has even passed a law, which states, that the properties of the father should be equally divided by all his children, both male and female. So usually the non movable assets are shared, whereas the jewels as well as the cash and other things are taken by the favorite wife and her children.I must also mention, that now days, since the woman have started to complain about their husbands when they marry for the second time, without divorcing the first one,the bigamy is reduced, and usually it happens only with the lower strata of the society, the middle and upper class just have a mistress without the marriage. As regards the second question,regarding the jinx, I am at a loss to answer your question.Times are changing, and I hope our society and culture will also change, in not putting all the blame on the woman.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

10 Feb 10

Thank you again for taking the time to answer all my questions and give such good and detailed responses. You have been very patient with me, and I am learning a lot about your culture, which is wonderful.

It is good, in my opinion, that your culture and government are moving towards the equality of the children. I am not as much concerned with previous wives, but I think that the children should all be treated and supported equally. Unfortunately, we have a similar situation in our country. We have laws that help to provide for the equal treatment and support of all children, especially those from a previous marriage, and it seems that things are getting better in that area. There are still some, though, that abandon their children when they marry a new wife and have more children. To me, that is a very sad situation, especially since the children are innocent in the relationships and decisions of the parents.

babyangie27

@babyangie27 (5176)

• United States

7 Feb 10

I don't see any problem either....however when someone says things like that the assume the person is a w hore or something which isn't right. My husband has been married 3 times,I am wife #3 and he has 3 children by us all. I have 2 step kids 18 and 16,then my daughter who is 7. It is a stereotype that people assume if a women has children by different daddies then they are someone who is a flues y or something.

1 person likes this

how people see others

women

babyangie27

@babyangie27 (5176)

• United States

7 Feb 10

I agree purple hun and I am so glad to see you as well,things have been bad here with my little one so being around is kinda hard to do anymore.

But I think it is common for us to judge based on looks and other things like this. People assume my husband is a bad guy because of his track record,not knowing that the other women cheated on him and left him,not the other way around. We shouldn't judge but we all do it.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

Aw, I am so sorry to hear that your little one is not doing well. She was getting better, so what happened? Did she get another virus that triggered her seizures again? I hope that she is feeling better soon, sweetie! See, I would not think that about your husband, but I guess that is because I am more open-minded than other people, which is sad. I know that there is always more to the story than there might originally appear to be, especially when it comes to relationships. I try not to judge, but you are right that I do at times find myself judging. I guess that at times we are all guilty of it, but I do try to have my facts straight and properly represent them when I am telling a story rather than leading people to believe things that I know are not true.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

Angie, it is great to see you, sweetie!

*HUGS* I think that you are right that women get judged more harshly than men, especially in these kinds of circumstances. I must admit that I had the stereo-typical thoughts at first, but it was just because of the way the woman was presenting the situation. When I asked questions, which I did instead of taking what she said at face value, I quickly found out that I was wrong. That makes me wonder whether or not she told the story to other people and they just assumed based on how she was presenting it without asking any further questions.

Also, I said in a couple other responses that I wondered whether or not she would have said the same thing and made such a big deal about it if it was the guy that had three children by three different mothers, even if he was not married to each of the mothers at the time they had children. I doubt that she would have, and that is very sad. The large gap in the ages of the children combined with the fact that she was married to each of the fathers would suggest that she was not a wh0re or whatever nasty name name some people might label her as not to mention the fact that she obviously still got along quite well with both of her ex-husbands. It is sad when people get judged negatively when they are obviously doing their best to raise their family right, and she was doing a darn fine job of it, in my opinion.

1 person likes this

zed_k4

@zed_k4 (17589)

• Singapore

8 Feb 10

Maybe she thinks that others will look down on her, I don't know. Or she has told people the truth before and they were sarcastic on her. Maybe the experiences she had gone through, that she didn't want to talk about it freely. A lot of possibilities, but you are right, there's no problem too. I don't see it. It must have been to do with the feelings of saying it or the reaction of others. I think so..

1 person likes this

children and parents

zed_k4

@zed_k4 (17589)

• Singapore

9 Feb 10

I don't know her exact thoughts, but something like that, yeah. I'm sure you are way better than that, don't think too much about it, perhaps she has had lots in her mind.

1 person likes this

zed_k4

@zed_k4 (17589)

• Singapore

9 Feb 10

Anyway, knowing that yourself is not like that is enough.. even if others don't see it that way. (if)

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

You mean that you think the acquaintance of mine has told other people about this other woman's situation and has gotten negative reactions, so she expected the same reaction from me? That might be true. However, if she was expecting me to put the other woman down and be sarcastic or judge her, then she was sadly mistaken. I was baffled by why she thought it was such a scandal, and she definitely did not get the reaction she was looking for if she wanted me to enter into more gossip on the subject.

bjcyrix

@bjcyrix (6901)

• Philippines

10 Feb 10

That must have been a really weird moment.

I too see nothing wrong with that reality. But I think your acquaintance might have had the misconception or associated the negative stigma that usually comes with the situation of three children with three different fathers. Like you mentioned, when she just started telling you about it, you thought of a Jerry Springer kind of situation. Those kinds of situations are the common stereotypes that we would think of when we hear that a woman has three children with three different fathers. Without knowing the details, we would think of the morality and complications of such a situation. But knowing more information as to the origin of this reality, we would finally understand why that woman's situation was normal in actuality. I think your acquaintance just couldnt get past the thought of "Three children with different fathers", even when she knows full well the background of the situation. She couldnt consider beyond the concept of what she was telling you about. I guess the only thing that would "wake her up" from that state is when she realizes that trying again after (a) failed marriage(s) and bearing children from the marriages are quite okay, even by society's standards. Hope your acquaintance finds that out soon, before she tells more people that story.

1 person likes this

misconception

stereotypes

bjcyrix

@bjcyrix (6901)

• Philippines

12 Feb 10

Being really conscious of the background and yet still having that kind of reaction, she must have had her reasons. Perhaps your acquaintance thought it over why you did not get the "punchline".

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

13 Feb 10

Yeah, I think that she was expecting a totally different reaction, and maybe that is why she didn't reveal all the facts in the first place. She did seem a bit confused and a little annoyed with the questions like I should have just reacted without knowing any of the facts. Perhaps that is how a lot of people react, so that is what is expected. I try not to do that, though, and I prefer to have as many facts as I can before I jump to conclusions.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

11 Feb 10

I think that you have made excellent points here, and your analysis of the situation is probably correct.

If I hear that a woman (or man) has three children by three different fathers (or mothers), I generally do not assume anything. However, it was the way that this woman was talking that made me immediately think of the stereo-type, because the way she was describing it was scandalous. When I finally managed to pry all the details out of her, then the story was not scandalous at all, in my opinion. Perhaps she really knew that it was not that bad, and that is why she did not reveal all the details right away. On the other hand, you might be right that she just could not see past the "three children with three fathers" part, and so she felt the rest was irrelevant.

2 people like this

@sunnycool (12714)

• India

9 Feb 10

owwwww it just goes on and on and on

.Well good title though---i WOULD stand by the woman coz she has decided to have a second baby after ten years so she must have taken her own time and strategy to marry the second one.but its unfortunate that she couldnt manage well this time around and decided to go with third one---And the End

.The real problem is----what she would be doing if all the three hubbies get into mood at once

---can she handle them all alone or takes the help of some body---or she would implement an First come First basis----or she must have divided entire week for her three hubbies---would she allocate the first two days to the first one or not---lot of questions.can you please let me know her name so i can clear my doubts

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

9 Feb 10

Sorry for boring you to sleep, Sunny. I really didn't think it was that long, especially since I broke it up with spaces between the different dialog transitions, which actually makes it look longer than it really is but it makes it a bit more readable, too. I also didn't think that it was a very boring story, but I will try to do better next time.

I think that you might have gotten the wrong impression from the story. The woman was married and had a child. That marriage did not work out, so they got divorced. Then, she married her second husband, and they had a child together. Unfortunately, that marriage did not last either, and they got divorced. Finally, she married her third husband and had a child with him. As far as I know, they are still married. I do not think that she was with any of the husbands at the same time, and the age difference between the children suggests that she did not rush into or out of any of the marriages. Do you want her name so that you can "clear your doubts" or are you going to try to make it four and four (four husbands and four children)?

@sunnycool (12714)

• India

10 Feb 10

hey PA you seem to be really disappointed coz my first line was meant for the woman behaviour or her attitude towards marriage---she keeps on marrying and having children---goes on and on and on---was meant for this one not for your discussion---sorry if it meant like that

.you always come up with nice posts with proper spaces and breaking into paragraphs which makes it more readable

---i didnt have any problem going through it. I got it right but was trying to take the topic some where else for fun----but you seem to be lacking something today and your words at hex box --- project your feeling---coming to the doubts-----owwwww her elder son is almost of my age girl then how come i can marry her that too for the fourth time---there would be nothing left for me to do with her

---i wouldnt consider a woman who is on a spree making love and children though.I respect those woman who break up in their first marriages coz it happens and i getto see it happening for decades now.They deserve a second chance for sure coz of the responsibilities they bear with kids and all---breaking up with the first one doesnt make them less in any aspect.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

10 Feb 10

I am sorry that I misinterpreted your first remark, Sunny. I thought that you were saying that my discussion just went on and on and on - like it was long and boring and put you to sleep. Now I understand what you were saying, though. The woman just seems to keep moving from one guy to the next and having children with each one. I got it now, I think.

I guess that I am not my usual self at the moment, so I did not get where you were trying to go with this response. I will try to do better next time, my dear.

I don't know, even though the oldest child is almost your age, you might want to reconsider your position on not wanting to try to be number four. With all that experience, she probably could teach you a thing or two, so it definitely should not be boring!

saphrina

@saphrina (31552)

• South Africa

7 Feb 10

You are suppose to know how people are these days? I am sure that she thought you are a duce, for not understanding her point, whatever that may have been. But thats people for you. TATA.

1 person likes this

berlina

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

She probably did think that I was quite ignorant for not understanding her point, but I still do not get it.

I mean, do you understand what the big deal is? She was married to each father, all of the children are doing fine, and everybody gets along, so what is the problem?

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

7 Feb 10

LOL @ "Don't break your head over it - we really do no want your head to explode" - trust me, I do not want that to happen, either!

You might be right that she just was trying to sound interesting or perhaps she was just trying to make other people sound worse, because she was unhappy with her own life. I do not understand that concept, but I know that there are people out there that think that putting other people down makes them look better. I guess in a way I feel sorry for these people, because instead of making the effort to better their own situation they focus all their energy on making other people look worse. That really is quite sad.

saphrina

@saphrina (31552)

• South Africa

7 Feb 10

There isn,t any problem at all.

Maybe she just like to talk to you or something. Or she feels she has the right to judge other people. Don,t break your head over it.

We really do no want your head to explode. TATA.

1 person likes this

Jay_melow

@Jay_melow (103)

• Indonesia

8 Feb 10

I'm surprise to hear it...But thi is the World wonderful..hehehehe

1 person likes this

wonderful

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

Which part are you surprised to hear about? Are you surprised to hear that a person would be married three times or that she would decide to have a child with each one of her husbands? Maybe that is not the part that surprises you. Are you surprised that somebody would judge another person so harshly, especially when all the children are well taken care of and happy? Perhaps that is not it, either. Are you surprised that everybody gets along so well, even though there are other children and different fathers?

1 person likes this

cutelilbastart

@hexeduser22 (7253)

• Philippines

14 Feb 10

I agree that this world is wonderful, I have some follow up questions though. How wonderful is this world to you and how can your being surprised make the world wonderful? Did I made any sense at all?

Anyway I hope you answer at least Miss Purple's questions because we are helping you out here to help ourselves too

1 person likes this

@sunnycool (12714)

• India

16 Feb 10

Why are you guyz at the back of poor Jay----he was trying to express something but the beautiful girl who lives by the next door ----dropped her towel so he couldnt resist himself but to enjoy the wonderful creature the beutiful world has -----he is enjoying 3

D view of the girl by the next door---Girl in my neighbourhood do not open the doors

so i need to witness the beauty of the creatures

2 people like this

Foxxee

@Foxxee (3651)

• United States

10 Feb 10

I don't see a problem at all. I actually know someone very close to me who has 2 kids by 2 different men & also plans on having baby number 3 in the next year or so with man number 3. I don't see a problem. We don't have the right to judge. I think as long as the children are loved & financially well taken care of, then we should just stay out of it.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

11 Feb 10

I agree with you. I do not think that we have the right to judge as long as the children are being taken care of, because the welfare of the children is the most important thing, in my opinion. Do not misunderstand me, I do not think that we should judge a person for making a wrong choice, either. If a woman has children with more than one man, and one of the men does not support his child (or children), then I do not think it is right to judge the woman in this case, because we all make mistakes. If the woman continues to have children with men that do not help to support them, and the children are suffering, on the other hand, then I would be very worried and would try to convince the woman to get some help to try to make better decisions in the future. I don't necessarily think that is judging, though, but rather trying to help her and her children have a better life, especially if I did not go around telling everybody her business. By the way, I do not see the problem with your friend's situation, either.

1 person likes this

sid556

@sid556 (30960)

• United States

8 Feb 10

Hi purple, It's the stereotyping that always goes on. I have dealt with it myself. I have 4 children with 3 different dads. I've been judged for that and not known how I was perceived until someone gets to know me and they admit that they looked at me like this sterotype that you describe. I got married right out of highschool. I was not pregnant when I got married. I had my first daughter in that marriage and we divorced when she was 3. I got married again when I was 28 and this marriage lasted for 10 yrs. My fourth daughter was a surprise and I was not married and did not marry the father. I have raised all my girls and worked to do so. I am not on welfare. I am in low income housing but that is the only help I get and even at that my rent is not that cheap. It wasn't the family I envisioned I'd have but I did the best I could under the circumstances and I've raised 4 very beautiful and responsible people to add to the world. So what's the problem?

1 person likes this

parenting

sid556

@sid556 (30960)

• United States

8 Feb 10

Hi purple, Don't feel bad. I don't care what others think when it comes to things like this. Anyone that matters knows me and my story. I know where the stereotype comes from and it is true that there are many women that fit into that slot. Still, some people just get an image in their head based on a small amount of information and that's just how it is. I understood your reference to the welfare system and it wasn't offensive at all. no worries.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

I am so sorry to hear that you have been judged this way as well. I just do not understand the way other people think, I guess, and to tell you the truth I am not really sure that I want to understand it. Well, I guess that I do want to understand it, because otherwise I do not know how to try to explain it to them so they might be able to see the situation from a different perspective. I hope that you did not misunderstand me regarding my reference to Welfare, either. I know that there are a number of good people on Welfare, especially in this economy, and I am not trying to judge the people that are on it because they truly need assistance. There are some people, though, that are scamming the system or just having babies so that they do not have to work and will be supported by Welfare. That is wrong, in my opinion, because it not only takes benefits away from honest people that truly need the help but also it does shine a negative light on the Welfare system. My only concern in this case would be the children. If the children were being treated differently due to the fact that they had different fathers, then I would think that there was a problem. Since this is obviously not the case, I do not see a problem, either.

2 people like this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

I am glad that you do not let others bother you, but it still makes me sad and even angry that other people feel that they have a right to judge people based on a few minor details and not even bother looking at the whole picture.

I am glad that you didn't misunderstand me, either. I realized that I could easily have sounded like one of those judgmental people, and that is not the way that I meant it at all.

I guess that sometimes what we say and what we mean can be interpreted differently, but I am very glad that was not the case here.

1 person likes this

JenInTN

@JenInTN (27514)

• United States

8 Feb 10

I don't see a probblem here either. I think there are different situations for everyone and sometimes things don't work out the way we plan them. It doesn't make her a bad person or a tramp. If people focused as much on their own situations I bet this would be a lot better place to live in.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

I have to agree that if people focused more on fixing their own problems and not as much on judging other people, then this would be a much nicer world to live in. I am sure that the woman did not go into any of the marriages expecting them to end in divorce, and as far as I know the third marriage is still going well. As you said, things happen, and the children have been raised in a healthy and happy manner, in my opinion, or at least as healthy and happy and stable as you can get when divorce is involved.

pipayst

@pipayst (140)

• Philippines

8 Feb 10

Well she did marry them and the dads are supporting the kids. In this day and age thats one of the most decent things to do. It's not like a love them and leave them and run off scenario right? Heck she could have been married seven times and seven different kids and the fathers still supporting said kids and it'd still be alright.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

Nope, not a "love 'em and leave 'em" situation with any of the men and children. She was married to all the fathers, and as far as I know, she is still married to the father of the youngest child. I agree that is a lot better than some of the situations today. I have heard of too many males abandoning their girlfriends (and sometimes even wives) when they find out that they are pregnant, and still others do not pay child support, even if they are ordered to pay it by the court. That is not the situation with this woman, so as you said, even if she had seven children by seven different husbands, as long as they are all happy and being well cared for with their fathers an active part of their lives, then I do not see a problem.

Dedgurlsingstheblus

@Dedgurlsingstheblus (233)

• United States

10 Feb 10

Interesting discussion you have going here. I have to say I don't see the problem, and not just because the kids all see their dads, and are included, or that she was married to them, or anything of that nature. The truth is we have a tendency to try to judge people's situations based on our own standards and ideologies. In the U.S. we have created the false notion that families must consist of XYZ and any variation can harm the children. However everyone reacts to every situation differently and so long as love for the child is there, and the people in their lives love themselves enough to make the most of their environment and situation the child and people involved will be just fine. The person you had this conversation with may not be aware that she is looking at the other person and placing her beliefs and ideals on how they should behave and what deviating from her ideals means according to her experiences and what others who share her views have told her. Even statistical evidence on these situations are bias because they also judge situations based on someone else's culture and ideas of success... Okay I said more than I meant to, have a good one.

1 person likes this

family

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

10 Feb 10

Dedgurlsingstheblus, thank you for the compliment.

I do not see the problem here, either. I am not so much interested in whether or not she was married to all of the fathers, although I am sure that part factors into the minds of some people. I am more concerned about whether or not the children are loved, provided for, and well taken care of. I do like your take on the situation, though. You said that we are taught to think of a family as XYZ, but that is quickly changing. In fact, the different family types are being openly discussed in schools now, which is good. It is trying to teach acceptance and diversity rather than placing moral judgments on old fashioned views of how the family dynamics were in the past and trying to make them that way again. I am not saying that I think that having a mother and father that are happily married and raise their children together for a lifetime is a bad thing, because it is not. That is not how most families are nowadays, though, and I do not believe that it is right to judge people if they do not fit into that mold. I think that you are right and other people do try to place their beliefs and ideals on other people, though.

Lovelytear

@Lovelytear (14)

• China

8 Feb 10

Your story just reminders me of a piece of news I saw yesterday. I just couldn't remember where is the exact country. The news is that there's a woman gave birth to a twin brother, however, the twin brother have different fathers, of course it must be fraternal twin. I suppose it must be much problem here. The woman in the news has a busband, and has an affair with his ex-boyfriend. Two different eggs were fertilized in short time, then happened the extremly mere event. Finally, the woman was driven out with her another child who has no blood relationship with her husband. The poor thing is that her own father and mother deny to accpet the daughter as well.

1 person likes this

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

8 Feb 10

Yes, it is rare that twins are fathered by two different people, but it can happen in the case of fraternal twins. I wonder how they found out that the babies had different fathers, though. I mean, I am sure that a blood test confirmed this, but why would they do a paternity test in the first place, especially since you said the mother was married to the father of one of the twins? Why wouldn't they just assume that both twins were his? That would seem to be the logical conclusion to me. It is very sad that the baby is being rejected because of something that the mother did. The fact that even the maternal grandparents are not accepting this little baby is really heartbreaking. The baby is innocent and had absolutely nothing to do with any wrongdoing that might have occurred, and yet she is suffering and has to pay the price. That is just wrong, in my opinion.

@purplealabaster (22094)

• United States

9 Feb 10

Yes, I agree that we have to think about the consequences of our actions before we do them, especially (as you said) if it is only for instant gratification but could have much more serious and long-term consequences and affect other people. I do hope that the wrongdoings of the mother do not have a negative impact on the lives of those innocent babies, but unfortunately it sounds like they will.

The woman in the story that my acquaintance was telling me about was different, though. She did not cheat on her husband and get pregnant by another man. She was married to all the fathers of the children. I can't say for sure whether or not any of the parties were unfaithful, since I do not know all the details of the relationships, but since they all get along, even after the divorces, I am guessing that is not why the marriages did not work out. As far as I know, though, the third marriage is still doing well.

Lovelytear

@Lovelytear (14)

• China

9 Feb 10

Actually, the husband found his wife was not loyalty to him in the first place, so he secretly made paternity test, then came the strucking truth that nobady wants to see. You know, when you find someone is disloyaty to you, then it will be a very difficult undertaking to believe all she said and done, and pepople become suspicious. Hence, the man couldn't assume that both twins were his. Absolutely, the baby is innocent and has nothing to do with any wrongdoing that have occurred, which makes me sad as well. I suppose, what's worse, when the little boy grows up, people will observe him with tainted glasses, what his mother have done may influence all his life, much more sad. So here's my conclusion, we grown-ups must be rational when we do something for temporary gratification, we're not alone, and we have to take our generations into consideration.

1 person likes this