She was shocked! Her daugher is dating a married man!

@salonga (27858)
Philippines
February 14, 2010 9:08pm CST
My friend's daughter is dating a married man. The daughter knew beforehand he is married but she never cares because according to her the man loves him and she loves him too. My friend was shocked when she learned this and is very upset for she could not find means of separating the two. Her daughter is so stubborn.If she were mine, I think I would do every thing to correct her. Do you think it would be helpful if my friend reports this matter to the wife? Any good advice you can give on this issue?
8 people like this
27 responses
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I wouldn't say I would blame her. Temptations these days are very strong, and people needing attention too much fall into them quite easily, mistaking lust from love. It's sad but people learn it the hard way most of the time. Regardless how you would want to separate them, it'll not be your decision. But I would do everything I can to make my child or daughter come to her senses. For one thing, I would tell her that I'm disappointed. I'd tell her that if he could do that to the wife, how much more to her? As for telling the wife, I'd probably do so. But I would risk losing my daughter forever if she would blame me for separating them. But definitely, she would sooner or later understand that it was for her good.
3 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yes indeed too much temptations that only a real faithful one could ever resist. A parent does not have the mind of her children more often than not but we parents do have the responsibility to do everything we can for her sake. I appreciate your kind advice. I surely would tell my friend about your advice. Thanks a lot!
2 people like this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
I am now wondering what had happened to this situation now that 8months has passed?
@neildc (17251)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
15 Feb 10
i would first talk to the man and not the daughter. it would be more complicated it we start by talking with the wife, that could be a tragic for the partners. though it will also be a desperate move, i think this is better than we start with the daughter. if the man can stop seeing the daughter, daughter could find other man that she most deserve.
3 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Well coming from a man like you then I think that is a good advice. Talking to the man will probably be the first best option if the daughter does not want to listen at all. When the man would not cooperate then perhaps the last resort is to report the matter to the wife. Thanks Nield for your good suggestion!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Hi salonga! I understand how upsetting is that. For parents, we all want the best for our kids. We don't want them to get lost. We will try our best to correct them and make them realize the wrong things they are doing. That is really saddening... the daughter you took care for YEARS... when grew up and can make her own decision do something like that, that we know in the end it is she who will lose... I guess your friend, tried talking to her daughter many times... but because the girl is very inlove, she acted like blind and willing to give up everything even her own family and dignity just to be with the married guy. I cannot guarrantee you that if your friend, make this known to the wife would lead to a better result. The wife might leave the husband, then making them more free... Or the wife would get very mad then confront her daughter in front of many people, putting her daughter to a very shameful situation... Do you think your friend can handle that circumstance? Of course, being a mother, even how stubborn our kids, we still want to protect them and not to be in such situation... But I also understand and believe that sometimes, a person needs to hit her head hard first before she learns... I suggest to again talk to her daughter again, and try to sound not mad and controlling (though sometimes it is hard to control our emotions). Tell her and cite all the possible consiquences of her actions... Tell her about the guy's kids, how would they feel... and if she can stand the fact that she is ruing not just the marriage but also the kids life. Kids are more affected in situations like this... There are love, that should not fight for. Give her daughter a chance to think, give her few days... then talk to her again, about her decision. If she remains hard heated, the tell her that, she left her no choice but to tell the wife about it... As mother and as a woman--- we cannot stand to see somebody being cheated by husband... Good luck to you and to your friend. I hope that this matter will be solved without talking to the wife. I hope that your friend's daughter would realize very soon that it is not all about love... A mature and TRUE Love is not selfish. If the man can do that to his wife... then what makes it difference? Can she confidently say that the guy would not do that again to her in time? Worst, she cannot complain for she was once the other girl... What is her right???
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
You are right, the daughter is acting like blind. Indeed love is blind and lovers can see. They can't see anymore that they are sinning! And indeed there is no guarantee that telling the wife will yield better results. And I think it is a worse scenario is if the wife lead the husband. Of course my friend would not like that for indeed that would even give the two the freedom to indulge in that sinful relationship. Thanks for your wise advice. That is most appreciated!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Feb 10
You are very welcome salonga! It is really hard to raise a kid... I hope I will not be facing that problem too twenty (20) years from now or less... The bad thing is... when kids do something bad... people would also judge the mother ( if not known personally) they will assume that, the kid is like that because he or she is not well raised or her parents particullarly the mother is also like that... And that is sometimes the saddening part...
15 Feb 10
It's a sad fact that your friend's daughter is in this relationship but I would not think of interferring. The more people interfere, the harder she will dig in her heels and refuse to see the reality of the situation. All you can do is be supportive and hope that the relationship comes to an end.
2 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
So you think the mother needs not do anything anymore? Well, I think my friend will not do that. She would move heaven and earth to split the relationship. I myself will do that same given that situation. At any rate each one has his own strategy in solving a problem anyway. Thanks for your comments and do have a nice day!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Hello salonga, I am a guy but i can't believe am saying this, MEN are animals! even if were married we just can't get enough. thie proves that Love is blind for sure, i know she feel something i believe such can destroy marriage and for me it's better for you to talk to the man rather than her.
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yes I think you've been honest there! Men by nature can't seem to get enough but I'm glad there are men who knows how to behave and won't go up to the extent of destroying their marriage. Thanks for your advice!
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
15 Feb 10
This is a very sticky situation. And settling something that concerns the heart is not easy. The more you say DON'T, the more the love deranged person do the unimaginable. She is in love but her lover belongs to someone else which only might complicate matters if she prolong her relationship with him. Telling the wife at the moment will not help that much. He might have personal issues with his wife so find a young lady to fill the void. Usually the heart doesn't listen to the head and it is pointless to say much at this time. She is being blinded by love and she will only get her sight back when she gets married. By then it is too late as she has ruin someone's marriage while she could have gotten herself someone who is in the same status as her, single.
2 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yes! The word DON'T will not very effective at all. You are right it will only push her to do the unimaginable. Indeed telling the wife could not be helpful at this point in time. Your option is worth considering. I'd tell her about this. Thanks a lot dear!
1 person likes this
@UmiNoor (3697)
• Malaysia
15 Feb 10
My sister had the same exact problem with her daughter a couple of years back. She was only 12 years old and she fell in love with her teacher who is married. The teacher's wife was pregnant then and that made it even more horrible to think about. The problem with my sister is that she was also involved with a married man who is now her husband and my niece's father. So it was difficult for her to advice her daughter on something that she herself had done before. Anyway, my sister went to talk to the man and he promised to leave my niece as she's still under age. But that didn't work. They were still texting each other so my sister sent my niece to study away in a neighboring country. That stopped the relationship. I don't think it's a good idea to tell the wife. You might threaten the man that you'll tell the wife but I think you should spare the woman the heartache. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
2 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Twelve years old??? My goodness! Certainly she does not know what she is doing! But so sad that even your sister is in the same situation! Horrible! It could be a punishment for her sin. Its her daughter who is now doing the same! I hope they will someday soon find the right way instead of remaining in this kind of relationship.
1 person likes this
@se7enthbird (8326)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
this is a very difficult situation. when you are a parent situations like this is truly a heart ache and a head ache as well. since my son is only four it is hard to think of a solution for this. for my mind is far of thinking this kinds of senario. i will put myself in their shoes, i want to know why this married man is in this situation. now if he says that his own married is on the rocks then my advice is to fix that first. now if he is divorsed already then maybe they can go on with the daugther. ask the guy if he really loves the daugther or he only wanted a company or someone to be around with before he goes home and that would be not fair for the daugther. i didnt say that i am not against this affair but sometimes we need to know the reason behind. maybe the daugther has her own reasons as well. they need to sit down and talk.
2 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Very difficult situation indeed dear! You have good points and surely I'd tell my friend about your advice. You know, I am happy I am not in that situation. My friend is almost losing her head. Such a stubborn daughter really! I could not imagine what could I do to her if I were her Mom.
1 person likes this
@shan0822 (436)
• United States
15 Feb 10
I think it's bad idea to tell the man's wife. Maybe just acceralte the seperate of this couple. I think it will not work to sepearte two people in the love. In this situation, your friend's daughter already know that man married, it will never work just seperated them. If she had shame or regret about herself break into a realtionship, her mother's advice may have worked, but if she don't care, it will never work. Maybe the mother should talk to the man, let him choose daugher or his wife, or maybe tell his wife's friends, it will be better her friend tell her, not the girl's mom. Love is so complicated, but I think it's never right to date a married people. Even they didn't love each other, it's their problem, just don't intervene a relationship. Hope your friends will solve this problem
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Hi! First I wanna tell you your Avatar is so cute. I love the pink color and the cute puppies too! Thanks for your advice dear, I think reporting the matter to the wife is the last option. If all the other options have been done but still was not solved then telling the wife would be of help. Thanks and have nice day!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164338)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Feb 10
salong if I were the silly daughter's mom I would grab her and sit her' down, and make her listen to me. You are only going to get hurt as very few married men divorce theirs wives over the other woman no matter how much you love him. stop this at once. You are not a home wrecker or are you one? If you persist in this I will tell his wife and maybe we can end this stupid prank of yours. Also this man wants you as a mistress but after awhile he will get tired of you and give you the boot. so saver yourself all this trouble, and find a single man to run around with. if you do not I can disown you so think about it.
2 people like this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Well Hatley that sounds like an advice coming from a real responsible Mom! No other one could give a better advice than a mother who knows what is right and what is wrong. No mother would want her children to go wrong. I hope the daughter would give a listening ear and would finally obey her Mom before things go worse! Thanks for your kind advice dear!
1 person likes this
@hagirl (1296)
• United States
15 Feb 10
It is very dangerous when messing with a married man... Someone is going to be hurt whether it is feelings or otherwise.... You see women or men in criminal trials all the time for assault or even murder..... Your friend is probably so shocked because she did not raise her daughter like that also....As parents when our children sway away from teachings in morals and values sometimes we blame ourselves but it happens... Her daughter hopefully will realize if this man is cheating on his wife then chances are he will cheat on her.....Although she may think she may be helping but she may ruin the relationship with her daughter.... Trust me it may be months, weeks, or days but her daughter will find out if it was her that told.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
Yes, dangerous indeed to involve with married man! A homewrecker will always be punished because she is destroying a family. She is hurting not just the wife but even the children. And yes, I also do hope the daughter will realize all these and come back to her senses soon. I pity my friend who is really in big agony! Thanks for your comments.
@hagirl (1296)
• United States
16 Feb 10
It is times like these we pray for all children and their safety
@sweetie1026 (1723)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I don't think that would be a good idea. It will only make things worse. The wife might end up exposing the realtionship of her husband with her daughter in public and might make desperate measures towards her daughter, which would put her to shame. I think, it would be better if she talked with the man. Make him understand that he should be responsible enough to face the consequence and that he can never give her a better future because he is already married. That he is being unfair to her daughter for staying in the relationship when he is already committed. I think, if her daughter is really or is madly in love with him, there is nothing she can do to prevent her from seeing him. Unless, she inprison her daughter in their house and never let her go out and stop all communication with him and of course, we could always ask for His help to enlighten the mind of her daughter. I hope that i was able to hlep a little and i will also pray for her daughter.God bless!
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I think you have a point there Sweetie! It is possible that the matter will get worse if my friend resort to that! Indeed my friend is almost hopeless because the daughter is really so stubborn and has been blinded by her wrong love. I think if I were in her place I would do as you advised. I will imprison my daughter in her room. If I could tie her up on her bed so she could not go I would do that. Thanks Sweetie for your advice! God bless you too!
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
You are welcome. I sure hope that i can do a little help.Nice seeing you again.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
If talking to the daughter and to the man doesn't work, by all means let your friend report to the wife.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Thanks for taking time to respond. So you also approved her plan to report the matter to the wife! Well everything should be well planned and all probable consequences should be first considered. I think she has to really talk to her daughter and she should impose her authority as a mother too.
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yes. having the mother and daughter talk should be the first step. after all she's the one responsible for her daughter. She wouldn't forgive herself if anything bad happens to her daughter and she will do everything to protect her.
@shibham (17019)
• India
26 Nov 10
Any new message as 10 months have passed by.....
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
19 Jul 12
After two years, I'm glad to report that the relationship is over. The parents of the girl learned the about the relationship and they did the needful. They pulled out their daughter from that sinful relationship so now she has been tamed and living a better life.
@maxilimian (3099)
• Indonesia
17 Feb 10
Hi Salonga! I am shocked either Well it's tough ... but i'm not thinking that letting know the man wife is a good way, i'm sure that she might be blame your friend together with the daughter ... My advice is just telling your friend daughter that loving the man wife was never been true, or correct, you can tell that you (your friend daughter) was in her wife place when the man is dating another girl again one day, can you accept it?? Your friend must set the daughter mind that she might loving the wrong guy, and there's no guarantee that he really loves you while with his current wife, he did the same things with your daughter in the future, what did you feel if the wife is you? I hope you understand what i'm gonna to say, and hopes it helps
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
Yes dear friend I understand what you mean. A heart to heart talk between a mother and daughter would be really helpful in this situation. I also think telling the wife would aggravate things. I thank you for your kind advice and surely my friend will appreciate this. Have a nice and fruitful day!
@Sreekala (30214)
• India
16 Feb 10
Hi Salonga, The news should be a shocking one for every mother. I think she can sit with her daughter and make her understand the consequences. She may be very young to understand the importance of a family relation. She is fascinated with the man and I think he was responsible to encourage this girl. Conveying the same to his wife is more dangerous; it may create problems in their family and may be his wife become angry. We can’t guess what will she do on anger and it may affect badly on this girl’s future. If she feels she can talk to the man and I think he is the only one can solve this problem easily.
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
Hi friend! Yes it should be really shocking to every mother. Imagine the little angel you were once cuddling is now into an illicit affair. She is indeed too young and the man is taking advantage! Tsk!Tsk! I think you are right. It would be really risky if she tells the wife! Thanks my friend for your advice!
• United States
16 Feb 10
I would recommend your friend to stay out of that situation, her daughter know exactly what she is doing, it is bad to date a married man, it is horrible, but she should learn on her own way, and believe she will, those affairs with married man always finish bad, for everybody, for the wife, the husband and the mistress, but the mother has to stay away, because later on, the daughter will blame the mother for anything bad that happen, and she really wouldn't learn her lesson.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
It would be very hard for my friend to stay out of the situation. It is her daughter and surely she will anything she could to help her get back into her senses. I myself would do the same effort if I were in her situation. At any rate, I appreciate your time in giving your thoughts and I believe you have some good points too. Have a nice day!
@ersmommy1 (12598)
• United States
15 Feb 10
I suppose these days it happens more frequently. It is a shame. But after a certain age, a person needs to make own decisions. Even if those decisions lead her to get hurt. I would let her know as a mother , how I feel. That as a whole I am disappointed in her behavior. I am not sure about dealing with the wife. I might talk to the man 1st.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
You said it! It has been happening and it is really a shame! And by the way you've got lovely children in your Avatar. Your daughter will surely grow up to be beautiful lady someday soon so I pray she will be protected from the temptations of this world. Have a nice day!
@jaiho2009 (38994)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
hello friend, First,i will talk with the guy. He should know what he is doing...and if he will not listen to me,i would go straight to his wife. I know i might lost my daughter,or maybe she will hate me,but,for her welfare i would't care. Sooner or later she will realize that,what i did is for her own good. This is so sad...really,no parents ever dreamed their daughter to had relationship with a married man.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
You are very right in that statement. No parents indeed ever dreamed their daughter to had relationship with a married man. that is one of the worst things that will ever happen to our daughters so we should always be vigilant! Thanks dear for your participation.
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
For me it's better must to tell the wife so that she make shy of doing that even if the situation in the long run make it cruel for them part.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27858)
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
I just wish the wife is not scandalous and would be wiser in her actions. I hope she will be cooperative so that she and my friend could join forces in solving the situation. If not this might create another problem! Thanks for your suggestion! Have a nice day!