money questions in helping parents after getting married

@Ritchelle (3795)
Philippines
February 17, 2010 10:54pm CST
we all know that most of us filipinos would've wanted to still continue helping out our parents even after marriage. however, i still have been hearing of marriages collapsing due to a partner's insistence on helping out his or her parents even after getting married. how do you think this could be prevented? should the better half take precedence over one's parents? that's what the bible say anyway.
2 people like this
12 responses
@daliaj (5683)
• India
18 Feb 10
It is normal thing to help parents after marriage in India. I don't give much money to parents even before and after marriage, but I give them some gifts like dresses and some kitchen materials to my Mom. They are happy about that and my husband doesn't care about that. It is my decision to give or not. Sometimes my husband also gives them some gifts, espeically in speical occassions like Christmas or Easter.
2 people like this
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
I think that helping the other person's family should be a decision of both parties. It's a problem for most filipino couples, because we are all close to the family, and it's more of an obligation for us to help our family, specially if we already have our own jobs. With my boyfriend, we already talked about how are we going to handle those things. And I hope that it would all goes well when we finally get married.
@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
it's very nice that you and your boyfriend got to talk about this already. and i also hope that all would go well when you get married concerning this matter. since you talked about helping your parents after marriage more or less this wouldn't be a source of any conflict when you are already at that stage.
• Philippines
21 Feb 10
I agree. We always say that money should never be a problem, and it should never be a cause of any of our arguments. Because it's just money, you will spend it but you can earn it again. I'm lucky that I have a boyfriend who also sees the way I see relationships and finances.
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
yeah correct FILIPINO CULTURE... as to helping my parents, i do help them out from my salary, because i think they need help especially my mother who needs medicine. also out of gratitude, i do give them anything, sort of appreciation to their effort to raise me up, whether they need it or not, i just give them. though not a big amount, what little i have, i wish to share it with them. as to the parents of my partner, well, the story is different. they have a "BIGGER" needs/wants, and they really would demand from my husband. if they are not given they will "deadma" my husband for a long time, until their want is granted. well my principle in that is... we have work, we are bless by God with a capacity to find a living, then probably we can share some. i just told my husband that if he'll give, give it straight to them, and don't let me know , because i am afraid i might say something that may hurt my husband. i better do not know and do not say anything
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@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
i think i agree with you when it comes to just not being told by your husband when he gives something to your demanding in-laws. sometimes we just have to turn a blind eye and deaf ears to save something else.
• Philippines
22 Feb 10
yeah true to avoid misunderstanding and conflict. a lot of times i did that. probably still do that, because i know my husband would also give in to their demands. i don't want to have any disagreement with my husband, i know he cares for his family also - and i care so much for him. i prefer not to say anything, because i dont want him offend him by saving anything against his family. thanks Richelle
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
I think it's good to talk about it first with your partner before you get married, during the getting to know stage, so that they would understand that you'd like to help out your parents even when you're already married. I know that my aunt's had her divorce with her husband because the husband was foreigner and didn't get why she needed to support her family in the Philippines. So, he was always complaining about her sending money to the point of them both splitting all the expenses in half. It was cruel but I think the husband just didn't see the point or the tradition since he isn't from the Philippines. But my aunt should have explained that to him before they got married.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
you are very correct that since two cultures would intermarry they should have had talked about this. but it's too late. maybe it is because they also don't make much and are also making ends meet and yet they still have to give away money that's why the marriage failed.
@jaja22 (88)
• South Korea
20 Feb 10
Well,that is my situation right now, I am still helping my family even I am already married. I send money to them every month coz my brother are still in college. I gave them a small business so it will not be difficult for me if I don't have money to send. We sent a big money last Ondoy typhoon coz we lost our house in Philippines and at the same time my father is very sick. There is no problem in helping your families or parents as if your partner understand it. And for me, I will never stop helping them until I know knew that their lives are safe and good.
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@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
that's very nice. it makes me wonder if we filipinos, besides other asians, are the only ones like this. do you think it is just our culture? i mean in other countries i don't think they do this yet the families there are just like our families in a lot of loving, caring ways.
@jhoanee (598)
• Philippines
19 Feb 10
its one of the issue that both the couple should talk things. for me helping parents after u get married is important beside they still our parents and for sure they needed some help even a little. it should be discuss properly and both couple should also understand each other. as long as its not too much i dont think theres anything wrong. we should not hide it from our partner even if we have our own income.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
yes, one shouldn't hide anything from his or her spouse even if it is an act of goodwill. besides, what's one partner's ownership is also the other's.
@1anurag1 (3580)
• India
18 Feb 10
i think thats a really very serious matter and this think can be resolved only be talking on the matter. and there is proper understanding between both of the person. who are married already can do work on this but who are not they can take this topic to before the marriage. i think to server parents is one of the biggest deeds.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
yes, it is a good deed indeed. it just makes me think about those, especially in our country where there are families within families, you know...the married children still live with their parents and these children still get to spend a lot on trivial things and still not be able to give their parents any monetary support.
@atv818 (1987)
• United Arab Emirates
19 Feb 10
Help should be extended at a certain point and make sure that whenever you plan to help somebody else whether it may be your parents, relatives, friends and the like, make sure that you help yourself and your family first. Marriage collapses because they help others more that they help themselves. That's one sure way to fall. Discuss every move with your partner so that if you fall down, he/she will help you up.
1 person likes this
@calai618 (1779)
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
I think it really depends on who is making the money. If I myself as a wife for example is making my own money and I am able to provide for my parents, then I dont think there;s nothing wrong with that. As long as it's fine with me, then why not. i dont think my husband would be against it because personally, i wouldnt mind him helping his family either. it really is up to what you couple has talked about and agreed. and as long as it's your own money you are giving away and not your husband's or wife's and as long as you are still able to support your own family then there shouldnt be anything wrong with helping your parents still. Communication and understanding are really huge factors. As long as it's not the priority and you are not forgetting your primary priority of providing for your own family, then go for it.
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@amarkovi (63)
• Croatia (Hrvatska)
18 Feb 10
I think everyone should help if they have the means to do it, in the sense that helping (financially) your parents does not put your own family into problems (again, financial). Once you get married you do have a family of your own and that should be your first concern. However, the parents (but also brothers, sisters...) are the closest people you have and you should help each other in the time of need. After all, your parents have taken care of you all your life, it's only fair to give something back once you stand on your own feet. It is a question, however, of agreeing with your spouse (as all decision in a marriage should be!) on all things - so this question should be also a mutual agreement.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
In my opinion this shouldn't be a problem especially when the your partner understands the situation very well. However if this context is taken to a more abusive level like practically givivg away the family's savings to the parents...well this is a much differen situation. For me it's ok to help as long as you're not causing any problems and it is not causing you to loose a lot of money. But I still strongly believe that once you get married you already is starting a life of your own. Whatever problems you have...your first priority should be your own family now...your parents must be 2nd at this point...except for emergency cases. One must take note that married life is pretty difficult and what you should be doing right now is save your marriage because once it is shattered then it can be pretty shattered for the rest of your life...I do hope you know what I meant by this. Good luck on your decision and happy mylotting.
@rsa101 (22631)
• Philippines
18 Feb 10
Well I guess it should be discussed and agreed upon by the couple because of course that is a very delicate topic to some and being Filipinos we should expect that arrangement like that are common especially if one party has no other means to get their financial support. Although it is not an obligation to help their parents financially, I think it should also be noted that when a person decides to get married he/she is also obliged to prioritize her new family too. So the parents should also understand that they are not the priority anymore and should not impose for the support as well.
1 person likes this