Do you have family members that are better avoided?

@pandaeyes (2068)
February 19, 2010 9:48am CST
We have a few people we avoid in our lives. My neighbours daughter is one because of talkativeness and sometimes there is a bit of manipulation too but there is someone much closer to me than that person and I haven't seen her for 21 years. She is my mother. It sounds awful I know to think that I avoid my mother because she brought me into the world and cared for me but not all mothers are the same. Mine is not violent but she will manipulate and cajole where ever possible. My siblings have both been affected as a result of mums interaction ,my sister has depression and is obese,my brother hardly talks to anyone and lives alone. Once ,my sister has a psychiatric nurse who would visit her at home and she advised her to avoid mum because it was undermining all the nurses help. Have you someone similar that you must steer clear of or do you think I am wrong and should try to live with her ways?
3 people like this
11 responses
@MAllen400 (830)
19 Feb 10
hi I must admit I have one person in my life that I avoid! It is a friend I used to work with and her nickname was mona as she was always moaning. She has not grown out of it either. Otherwise she is lovely. We live away and I love getting letters from her but phone calls oh no no no. No I think that you are right to avoid your Mum but I do hope that although you steer clear of her there are other ways to just keep in contact. Have you thought of writing to her and maybe asking her if she has worked out why you and your siblings dont have anything to do with her? She may not realise why. By letter if it gets too much you just bin it x
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@pandaeyes (2068)
19 Feb 10
She is the sort of person that would leap on the new contact and make use of it immediately. Probably turning up on the doorstep next day. Of course I would let her in and talk to her but it would be a whole new pandora's box being opened up. I also have a friend that I now avoid, I rediscovered her on face-book having known her in school. I had forgotten just how bossy she was but after a few weeks my husband said ,she is very forceful and opinionated isn't she and I thought, yes, she was like that in school and I had forgotten how demanding she could be. So I decided to remove her link to us. You forget how some person can influence things in your life until you must deal with them again, it would be just the same with mum.
2 people like this
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
I try to stay away from some of my cousins. Cause they can be a pain sometimes. They talk alot and they just can't stop talking about their lives, their success, this and that, all the taking just makes my head ache and I can't really tell them to shut up because, well, I don't want to have a fight or anything. Hehehehe. Other than my cousins, I don't think I avoid any other family members.
@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
Its sad that people want to compare their lives really. We all are the same underneath it all and why cant that be a good enough reason for getting along?
• Philippines
21 Feb 10
Hahaha. I hear you joanna. I have a lot of cousins like that, always telling us about his/her achievements even if we had heard about it a couple of thousand times before. Hahaha. There are just people like that, and it is really best to avoid them.
@eileenleyva (15591)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
Hi pandaeyes, 21 years is a long time. A mother, no matter how bad, is still a mother. It is the duty of the children to see that she is taken care of. Your bother's and sister's condition might be products of her being an unfit mother but the fact remains that you are family. Time heals all things and seasons change. Keep the past behind. Life is short. Before you know it, your mother might be gone. Tell her your heartaches. Every day is a blessing. Your mother might have realized the person she was in one of those days. See for your self now. If she is still manipulative, it is not your fault anymore.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
Well my sister still visits my mother ever weekend (she does her shopping and her husband does DIY work if she needs it). I think she has not changed a great deal. When she was a young woman, she was a performer and I think enjoyed being the center of attention a great deal. She carried that on way into our childhood by telling anyone who would listen about her 'adventures' which often meant she would tell our school teachers,neighbours,people at the bus stop while we stood by waiting. I have been the subject of conversation so many times where they stood and discussed my health or shyness or habits as though I was a pet or object that was bought in the shops and so have my siblings. I really think that most of our doctors appointments were made because it was another chance for mum to 'entertain' the medical staff where ever we were taken which is why I mentioned Munchhausen. Certainly my sisters obesity ( plus her depression,lack of confidence and unpopularity)disappeared when my brother and I were here sole carers, and returned with the return of my mother. It is safer to steer clear.
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
I do admit that I am avoiding contact with my niece and some family members. My niece stole some jewelries my aunt and I owned to support her lifestyle and habits. Her father is an insensitive bloke who passed on his responsibilities to his wife and threatens her to separate from her. For me, this acts were beyond me and my understanding. While it true that you have to support your kind - there are certain things you cannot tolerate and condone. I may not be a perfect member of my clan, but nevertheless not worse than the two I've mentioned here. I am not too happy about it and in as much as I can do, will not in any way make contact with them anymore.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
We have a cousin who is a bit like that. She has things that really ought to belong to my mother as they were her parents possessions but she wont let her have them. Sometimes people with whom we have little relation are better friends than or own family members.
@bingchen (1126)
• China
20 Feb 10
i want to avoid to see the member of my family i think that it is my mother and my father.although they is my parents,but i find that cool mother and talkactive father make me uncomfortable.i hope that they care me more and not say not worth words for me.although i have grow up.but i find that family effect my life and lost bravy for my life.i only talk to myself:it is only joke for me to live this family.if i have chance,i would like to live in normal family and make me happy.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
You will in the future I expect. It is hard to be confident when everyone is putting you down. Sometimes people can lose the bigger picture and forget that everything they say is a criticism,then they seem uncaring.
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
I have a friend whose mom hates her a lot for an unknown reason. Their family is composed of 4 children. She is the second. Her mother loves the other sibling except her. Among all her brothers, she is the one who finished college and turn to be a teacher. Now she is working in her hometown but everytime payday comes, her mother would ask her to pay for her lodging and food though she is living in her house and with the family. During Christmas, she is not included in the gift giving and her mom would say " why would i give you gift? you have your salary already" Sometimes, she would answer that it is better if she just not went to school so that she will not become a pro and she would receive a gift from her mom. This friend of mine always shed tears because of it. I would comfort her sometimes that no matter what she do i know deep inside even a certain amount of love should be there.
@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
That's sad,it sounds like jealousy but why would a parent be jealous of a child? If that were me, I would be away to have my own life.
@Hatley (164214)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Feb 10
pandaeyes its so easy to blame mom and dad for everthing that goes wrong in our lives, but face it once we are adult and out on our own, we must fess up to our own mistakes, mom did not make them or dad, you did. I don't think I could ever have gone without seeing my mom. sure she had her faults, but when I became an adult I had to see that no she was not to blame for things I did, even if she may have influenced me in earlier years, once you leave home, you have to accept the faults as your own. I know there may be some moms that are moms from hell, but even then I do not think I could really sever all ties, I have done that with my younger sister as she caused horrible problems every time she came closer to my husband and me, and have not spoken or seen her since. I guess she is a toxic person, but my mom? I dont know guess she was too good a mom for me to see her in any but a good light. I think perhaps like my toxic sister you have a mom that causes horrible problems in your family whenever she comes close. this is so sad too.so I guess you have to avoid her at all costs like I do with my streetwalker sister, cannot put the other word in here as mylot won't let me, b ut my sister started beeing a street walker and that did it for my family.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
19 Feb 10
I think that pretty much sums up my mum, I think there is a bit of Munchhausen's in there somewhere.. Mum was so nice when we were really little but she was a very using kind of person. Everyone must fit her plans or be pushed aside. As each person got older and realized that actually they didn't have to comply, she became more insistent to the point of driving people away. At once point she was ill and my brother and I had almost 2 years where we must be in charge of not just ourselves but our sister and she was a different girl,losing all the weight and being popular in school. Sadly that was all reversed on her returning to full strength.
1 person likes this
22 Feb 10
I can understand completely what you are saying hun. My own mother treated me very badly over the years and now I don't contact her very much at all. To be honest, I very much doubt I could put up with her ways anymore now, every time I see her or speak to her I find myself feeling denegrated and made to feel totally inadequate and useless. I have low self esteem anyway, caused by her behaviour, so why should I put myself through any more of it. I would say stay clear.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
22 Feb 10
Thank you for understanding, it's very hard to understand how a person can be like that with their own children ,I know . I'm sure people think it is all exaggerated but it honestly isn't. My mother seemed quite encouraging for example of our schooling as far as talking about how well we did in some subjects but insisted that we leave the moment it was legal and take jobs rather than continue to college and a better future. In my case, it was against my fathers wishes too but as he was a compulsive gambler and my mother provided almost the whole families livelihood he had very little real say in the process. It certainly made me very mindful about how I treated my own children.
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22 Feb 10
It's difficult not to feel resentful in this situation, when you think of what might have been if your mother had been supportive. I support my son totally, and would never behave badly towards him
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@pandaeyes (2068)
24 Feb 10
well I suppose our kids have had good support from us as a result of our own mothers strange ways so that is one positive thing that has come from it anyway.
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@dorannmwin (36654)
• United States
22 Feb 10
There is only one person in our family that I know that we need to avoid. That family member is my husband's grandmother. The last time that we've seen her was in November at Thanksgiving. Since then she has sent home gifts for my children for Christmas, but we have not been to her house. The reason for this is that every time that we or my mother-in-law talks to her there is always some sort of drama going on with her.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
22 Feb 10
It can be awkward can't it? My in laws would fight openly even in our own house in front of our children, it was always an embarrassment but they were well meaning people on the whole. I think people forget about the bigger picture in their lives and everything revolves around them alone in their minds.
@libramie (562)
• Philippines
20 Feb 10
Nope. I'm fortunate of having a happy and peaceful family. I did not say that your wrong what u did but maybe you should try to find ways to have in common or to meet in between through open communications because shes your mother. We can replaced friends but mother we can't. There's also many counseling groups as of now where u can solicit opinions or ideas that can help your problem. To avoid friends for me is tolerable but for immediate family members sounds awful.
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@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
I can see that to someone with a friendly family, it looks unthinkable to avoid my own mother but to me and even to my brother, it is the best solution. I think people are first and foremost people and secondly relations. I have some very nice friends with whom i have no connection other than that they and I know each other. Often they give wise advice and are supportive where I know my own mother would not be.
@anurag3786 (6273)
• India
20 Feb 10
I lived with my all family members so everyone..have with me.. and whenever i wana talk with someone then i can.. and always i share my all problems with them... and i get a solution.. have a nice day and keep mylotting always..
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@pandaeyes (2068)
20 Feb 10
You are a lucky person. I would like to do that with my mum but really it is impossible. My own children,my brother and sister, husband and I get on very well though.