How to Destroy Your 13 yr old Daughter in 6 Months?
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
February 28, 2010 12:09am CST
Buy a house in the middle of her 8th grade school year in a different school district.
Not only will it destroy your daughter it will make your life and everyone else's life in the family a living he11. This is the lesson I'm learning.
BACK STORY: My daughter moved into this school district in the middle of the 4th grade and she hated her father for making her leave her friends and she whined and she cried that all she wanted to do was go live with her grand mother so she could be with her friends again at her old school.
Fast forward 4 years and my husband and I just bought our first house together in January. It's enormous! 8 bedrooms (one of which will be an office and one of which will be a weight/work out room)3.5 bathrooms, huge kitchen, laundry room, pantry, dining room, family room, and separate living room. It is only 12 miles from where we live now but it is in a different school district than the one she is in now. The compromise is that we are not moving into the new house until this June when she gets out of school.
When I was looking at places to buy a new house I asked her if she wanted me to look in the area she lived in before that would allow her to go to her old school and she said NO. She was willing to go to the high school I went to but didn't want to go to the one she begged to go back to in 4th grade. Funny how that happens. Children get over things.
But until she gets over this....I have her telling me daily that she hates me, that I am ruining her life, that she is going to flunk out of this new school because everyone who goes there is super brainiac smart (my husband graduated from this new school she is going to) and a long list of other gripes, complains, and woes.
She is getting to be damn near unbearable considering she is in the house 24/7 after school cause she is grounded for running up the cell phone bill to the tune of over $700.
My sons are 7 and 8 and they cannot wait to move. They talk about it every day and they would already be at the new school if I would let them go stay with their grandmother for the next 4 months. (not happening but that is how excited they are to move)
I tried explaining to her that she will be a freshmen no matter what school she goes to in September. And being a freshmen whether you know the other freshmen or not still makes freshmen year SUCK! That didn't help.
On top of all of this her dad is kissing her butt and doing everything he can think of to persuade her (without saying a word) to tell the judge that she wants to live with him. Not gonna happen. But it just helps her think that if she is too much of a little witch I will want her to go live with her father.
So does anyone have any advice how I make it through the next 4 months without going crazy or to jail?
2 people like this
9 responses
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
28 Feb 10
Nope, sorry. When my hubby's son moved in with us, it took him 3 yrs to move out, in handcuffs, mind you, because he hated the area, the school, the kids, because all his trouble making friends were back in the old town he used to live in.
And my oldest, cried abuse, and played on the sympathies of others, telling them lies about me so they would let her stay, until they each, systematically, found out on their own, from first hand experience, what a master manipulator and liar she was.
So, I am not the person to ask for advice on how to deal with an irrational teenage rebellion. Honestly, I don't have a lot of patience for it.
My way to deal with it, would have been to work the b1tching out of her. That, or she could go and sulk in her room. I won't take the abuse from a teenager.
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
28 Feb 10
For example, when she slept in, and missed her bus....she had to work in the barn with me all day. She was NOT going to loll around all day and have a 'day off' because she was to lazy to get up in time and I was certainly NOT going to waste my time and gas to drive her in style. So, she would actually WALK, rather than do work outside with me. And it was a fair walk, too.
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
28 Feb 10
You know, I just thought of something. Life throws you punches, and sometimes you can't control everything, so you just gotta roll with the punches, go with the flow. You cannot have your way all the time. That is just life and the sooner she realizes this, the better.
Email this or text it to her. She needs to see it in writing, regularly. Or maybe even make a poster or a picture of it and hang it on the back of the outside door. Yeah, I like that one, the door.
Waddya think?
2 people like this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
1 Mar 10
Very cool right back atcha! Especially the making your daughter work in the barn part. Wish I had had a barn.....
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
28 Feb 10
The next 4 months? Try the next 5 years!
I raised 3 daughters and 1 son and I can tell you with complete confidence that your daughter will continue to give you trouble no matter where you live. You're already seeing the start of the dreaded teenage years. Teens act out and daughters can be SOOO dramatic! One of the things you need to insist on though is that your daughter treat you and your husband with respect and that she not take out her raging hormones and emotional tidalwaves on the two of you or her siblings. The good news is that she will revert back into a normal human being when she's 17 or 18 so, in the meantime, buckle up and don't blame yourself. Give your daughter some incentives for good behavior, try to get her involved in some kind of activities in your new community and offer to get a tutor for her if she finds that she can't keep up at the new school. Encourage her to have confidence in herself...tell her that she's just as smart as the other kids at that school but also put your foot down about the drama. If she's going to act out, one consequence that I used with mine was that they had to write a paper X number of pages long. I told them that I wasn't going to read it...and I didn't, I burned it in front of them...but that writing was the only acceptable outlet because I was not going to tolerate anyone mouthing off to me. This also helped them with their writing skills but they didn't realize it as they were writing page after page about how horrible I was and how much they hated their lives.
I raised 3 daughters and 1 son and I can tell you with complete confidence that your daughter will continue to give you trouble no matter where you live. You're already seeing the start of the dreaded teenage years. Teens act out and daughters can be SOOO dramatic! One of the things you need to insist on though is that your daughter treat you and your husband with respect and that she not take out her raging hormones and emotional tidalwaves on the two of you or her siblings. The good news is that she will revert back into a normal human being when she's 17 or 18 so, in the meantime, buckle up and don't blame yourself. Give your daughter some incentives for good behavior, try to get her involved in some kind of activities in your new community and offer to get a tutor for her if she finds that she can't keep up at the new school. Encourage her to have confidence in herself...tell her that she's just as smart as the other kids at that school but also put your foot down about the drama. If she's going to act out, one consequence that I used with mine was that they had to write a paper X number of pages long. I told them that I wasn't going to read it...and I didn't, I burned it in front of them...but that writing was the only acceptable outlet because I was not going to tolerate anyone mouthing off to me. This also helped them with their writing skills but they didn't realize it as they were writing page after page about how horrible I was and how much they hated their lives.1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Mar 10
Best response hands down! Thanks so much spalladino!
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
28 Feb 10
Hey cynical! I don't have any of my own kids so I alway hesitate
to respond to these discussions! But, a very wise mylotter once
told me that I have very good instincts and know alot about
children, since I have always babysat and helped my best friend
bring up my "Godchild from hell"! And let me tell you he was
a nightmare and still is and he is now 21 and in College! It
doesn't change, even the older they get! He is still torturing
his Mom! So, I would like to tell you that it will get older,
as she get's older, but basically it will just be one thing
after another! So, be happy that she is still only 13! She
will come around and then it will be the next "catastrophe"!
Don't worry! She is going to be just fine! The teenage years
a the worst! I know I drove my parents crazy and my Mom still
loves me!
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Mar 10
I'm taking it one day at a time. I know I was a holy terror as a teenager so there is little she can do that I didn't. But I paid dearly for the mistakes I made and I'm trying to spare her the same. I will always love her. I may want to duct tape her mouth shut and lock her in a closet for a couple of hours a few times a week but I still love her because to date I still haven't done it. 
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
28 Feb 10
Ear plugs.
It also might help to let her have some of her friends come stay over for visits over the summer. That way she won't feel so isolated. Once she starts school and starts making new friends, hopefully things will go easier. How far away is the ex? Depending on what state you live in, most judges won't listen to the child until they are closer to 16, and by that time she will have all new friends. Hopefully ones who can spell....
We have had similar issues with my step-daughter. From the age of 12 or 13, she's been playing her dad (my husband) against her mom. When she was 14 we allowed her to get a real job (there are places that will hire at that age) near our home. She loves her job and wants to stay here so she can keep it. If she lived with her mother, it would be too far away. That's really been our biggest bargaining chip. Every so often we still hear the "I hate you" and "I want to live with mom", but they are farther apart than they were.
Good luck, next 4 years are not easy.
1 person likes this
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
28 Feb 10
A small, unobtrusive tape recorder would be a handy addition to the arsenal too. That way she can hear herself too.
I hope that once the move is made that she settles down for you. It will be a long 4 years if she doesn't. I can't see a judge allowing custody if she doesn't have her own room, or at least a room with a sister...never a brother.
My step-daughter's mother has tried to get custody, but there's 7 people in that family now, and only 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. She can't get custody either, unless she moves.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Mar 10
Thank You Annie. You took the smileys right out of my mouth 
@newtalent (1112)
• United States
28 Feb 10
The poor girl sounds like she does not know what she wants or what she is feeling. She is hurting and cannot express it without hurting others. I know adjustments are hard but it is deeper than that. She's the monkey in the middle and does not know where to go. I have to believe that she loves you guys and maybe deep inside she resents the break up. My oldest did some things similar playing one against the other. Doing what ever she could do to break up my current relationship. It all came down to that she was trying to get rid of everyone that kept us apart. I mean right down to her half-siblings. When we broke up she has happy and that meant she could get her immediate (first) family back together. I was shocked, dumbfounded to find out how the break up affected her. I never believed in family therapy until that happened. I was at my wits end. Try asking what is wrong and how we can fix the problem without getting upset (the hard part). Try active listening and letting her talk. I wish you the best.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
28 Feb 10
I don't know, because I was fortunate enough to live in the same house for the first 20 years of my life. LOL My husband moved all over because of his job (long before I married him) and his kids went to 12 different schools in about 8 years!!! Finally when they turned 18 and he was still moving around, they said "NO MORE" and all stayed in Kentucky. So maybe try telling your daughter that atleast you didn't move 12 times in 8 years. LOL But then if I were her, I'd be pretty pi$$ed off too.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
8 Jun 10
Well, I hope you and your daughter survived the last 4 months without killing each other... It is very hard to switch schools in the teen year - I did it three times. I actually went to school in 5 different districts in 12 years (no my father was not active duty military when I was in school). First grade was 1 school. Second through 6th was another school. The first half of 7th grade was another school. The 2nd half of 7th grade through the first half of 10th grade was 3 different physical schools, but the same school district. Then the last half of 10th grade through 12th grade graduation were in a whole different state.
It's not easy to make new friends - especially when everyone has had the same group of friends. I guess I did ok because I moved so often. She'll be fine and make fantastic friends. She'll also keep a lot of her old friends since it's not that far from where you're moving. I am actually still close to one of my friends I met when I was in 2nd grade. We didn't even go to the same school, but lived a couple houses apart. She moved away after we had only been friends for a year or so and we've kept in contact ever since. I have friends all over the place because of all the schools I've been to.
Good luck to you and your daughter.
@bird123 (10632)
• United States
1 Mar 10
Everytime she complains give her a great big hug.Tell her the decision was for the best for the family as a whole. Tell her that you know she can make it because she is so smart and capable of doing anything.Remember, everytime she complains..LOTS OF HUGS!!!!Yes, my sweet precious daughter, you have a great challenge. Let's see what you can do!!!I believe in you!!!Can't give too many hugs!!!
