Following Through
By Jess
@JJ4Ever (4693)
United States
March 2, 2010 7:31pm CST
My husband and I had a situation back in January that I would like to share...
My younger sister's unofficial boyfriend came up from Florida for the week to visit her. (It was my parents' Christmas present for my sister.) For the sake of this discussion, we will call his name Ben. While Ben was visiting for the weekend, my husband and I got to meet him in person. He is a really nice guy, and we all enjoyed getting know him. While he was staying at my parents' house, we found out he's an animal lover so we took our dog over to my parents' house the last night Ben was visiting to let them meet.
To make a long story short, although our dog had never shown any aggression in the past whatsoever, he bit Ben. (We adopted our dog from a shelter two or three years ago when he was already full grown so we hadn't known him from a puppy, which is probably something we will never do again!) I felt so bad, and it was just a really sad situation. We have dealt with everything now, of course, but at the time there was still the issue of taking care of Ben.
When he got home, he had to have some medical attention. Although by then we knew Ben well enough to know he was not the kind of person who would sue us (thank goodness!), we still wanted to do the right thing by him and take care of all of his medical bills. On top of everything, we found out he didn't have medical insurance.
Let me pause a second to tell you that the reason my sister and Ben had met was because of my grandparents who know him from their hometown. (My sister lives here in Michigan, and Ben and my grandparents live in Florida.)
So...you can probably guess what happened. My grandparents found out about the situation. Since they were also friends of Ben's parents, for some reason or another, my grandparents became embarrassed of the situation and all that had happened. My grandparents are the kind of people who are loaded and so they are used to using their money to turn the situation around. My husband and I had already been in communication with Ben so he knew we were taking care of all of his bills. All he had to do was tell us the amount, and the check would be in the mail that day.
My grandma emailed me a few days after the incident and told me the total of the medical bills and that they wanted to take care of it right away. I told her we had already been in touch with Ben, and that we were taking care of the bill because we are honest people and want to handle it ourselves like responsible adults, of course. Being the way that my grandparents are, they insisted on paying for all of Ben's medical expenses anyway, regardless of what I told them NOT to do. It was unknown to us that they had already gone against what I said and paid the bills anyway until I received an email from my grandma that they had taken care of it and asked us to reimburse them the money.
My husband and I were very upset, and I think we had a right to be! Not only did we NOT ask my grandparents for their help, they had nothing to do with the situation! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they completely overstepped their bounds. On top of everything that happened, it made my husband and I look really bad because it makes it look like we asked my grandparents to be the go-between and handle the situation for us as if we couldn't face what had happened. My grandma was even so kind as to send us copies of all the bills along with copies of the checks she had paid to Ben and the medical facility.
So...here's what we did - after giving the situation a lot of thought, my husband and I agreed that we would send a check for the full amount directly to Ben. Since my grandparents didn't listen to me, I thought it would be the right thing for us to follow through with what we told everyone we were going to do. I also sent Ben an email explaining what had happened - that we asked my grandparents not to get involved, and that we were going to deal with Ben directly.
My grandparents were upset and haven't communicated with us since (because I'm sure they were embarrassed by how we reacted to what they did), but I'm not afraid to step on toes when I know what they did was wrong and didn't mind letting them know. I guess the thing that makes me mad the most is that my grandparents acted as if we weren't going to follow through on what we said we would do. The sad part is that it was more embarrassing the way my grandparents felt they had to butt in than the fact that our dog had bit Ben in the first place!
I think it was a situation that got completely out of hand because people stepped in when it wasn't any of their business. I tried to call my grandparents after I thought the whole situation had blown over to explain to them why we did what we did, but I only got hung up on. Can't say I didn't try to mend the relationship! Do you think we did the right thing? If you were in this situation, what would you do? Have you ever had a similar situation? How do you feel when people think something is their business when it's not?
3 people like this
5 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
3 Mar 10
Hi JJ4ever,
It seems as if your grandparents trampled on your honor. To me it seems that their insistence to pay for it is was one thing, but overstepping that and paying for it anyway and THEN asking you to reimburse them is another. They did for themselves selfishly because they were embarrassed about a situation that did not even happen in FLORIDA but in MICHIGAN. I Think you did what you felt you had to do, and that it was wrong that your grandparents hung up on you when you tried to explain yourself.
They didn't want their good name to but muddled in this affair, when in all honesty, I don't see how it could be! But they don't mind to overstep you and make you and your husband look like two kids trying to get out of a obligation?
I'm sorry that this happened.
I don't know of a time this has happened to me, but it may have. If someone were to do similar to me, I'd let it be known I didn't appreciate it at all.
I'm sorry that this happened.
I don't know of a time this has happened to me, but it may have. If someone were to do similar to me, I'd let it be known I didn't appreciate it at all.2 people like this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Mar 10
I can't thank you enough for your response and encouragement. You clearly have a great understanding of these types of situations in which there is conflict so I admire what would be your reaction in the future should something like this happen to you. I think it's always the best way to do what you believe is the right thing and let it be known. It wasn't my intention to make my grandparents look bad because they made us look bad, but I did want to make sure I got my point across in the future (since it has been their habit in the past to manipulate with money since this wasn't the first time). From here on out, I won't be the one manipulated with money. Great response!
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
8 Mar 10
I mean, I guess since you were going to pay for it all anyway, you should reimburse who paid for it. Why send it to Ben? So he can reimburse them? I agree that they shouldn't have gotten involved and had no right to interfere. They acted like bully's charging in and taking control of it all, against your wishes and making you look like you were not taking care of things, when you were. But the main thing is, that his medical bills DID get paid. However, I don't understand why they took it upon themselves to interfere. THAT WAS JUST WRONG! It is very disheartening to be made to feel as if you aren't trustworthy, or don't follow through, or don't keep promises. Why are they like this? Do you know?
I do understand, though, that you were so disgusted with how they handled things without your consent, that you refused to PAY THEM DIRECTLY. I don't blame you one bit, there. So, did Ben reimburse them after you paid him?
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Mar 10
Thanks for your response! I'm sure Ben did the right thing and paid back what was owed to them, but that is between them now as far as I'm concerned since we kindly asked them not to be involved so...I'm sure on Ben's end it was handled appropriately since that's the kind of person he is. You're exactly right that my husband and I were made to feel like children in this situation. My grandparents have always been this way as far back as I can remember, always taking advantage of situations to make themselves either look better or to look good when it's a bad situation. It's so strange, but I think that's the part of having so much money, and how it has affected them. They're people who will take their money and use it to make themselves look better. I love them so much, but I hate this about them. The other thing that's hard is that it's my grandpa's wife, not my real grandma since he's been divorced...I'll spare you the details, but that also contributes to their tendencies. I guess it goes to show that you don't want to do "business" transactions with family! It's always ends up messy in the end, which is why we tried to get them to stay out of it. Thanks again for your kind words.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12821)
• Australia
3 Mar 10
i am sorry to hear about your situation... but if i am in your case, i will definitely feel the same way as you... especially i am already an adult and i don't need other people to make decision for me or take responsibility for my actions... i am very capable of doing it myself... so i think you are doing the right thing... but the most important thing now that things had blown up to this stage is to mend the relationship between you and your grandparents... not trying to do blaming game... i think you just need to give your grandparents time to cool down and have a chat again with them nicely when they are already in a much better mood... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Mar 10
I definitely agree with you that the relationship needs to be resolved again also. I have attempted to contact my grandparents a couple times, but sadly wasn't able to resolve. It's also hard that we're several states apart. It's hard to communicate only over the phone or via email instead of in person. I think if we were communicating in person this entire time, things would definitely be different! Thanks so much for you response and great advice.
@Hidaisy (181)
• United States
3 Mar 10
I must say this story is a little bit complex for me...Anyway I haven't had this kinda situation before.It seems to me that the old just like grandpa's generation of people always believe that their grandchildren are just a children that can't take the responsibility forever however old they are.I don't know exactly your grandparents but I know mine is just like this.
Maybe your grandparents were so kind to took responsbility on your behalf and admited their fault even though they did no wrong in your eyes and it will makes you feel guilt.But from the opposed point of view,If you pay for the bill and admit the mistake to Ben it will be a psychological burden for your grandparents cause they believe they did something wrong but the grandchildren take the responsibility.So what make the thing complicated is that whether which side of people shoulder the responsibility the other side would feel upset and looks bad by themselves.
If I were you I would definitely take the whole bill and tell my grandparents it's none of them business but If they insist on involving in I would let them take partial bill to relieve their pressure.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Mar 10
You're right - it is definitely a complex situation! What my husband and I did was we took care of the entire bill ourselves and paid Ben directly. We didn't pay my grandparents back because that was not in the agreement, and they weren't supposed to be involved in the first place. I believe we did the right thing in doing so and also in trying to call my grandparents to clear up the situation. However they see it is their deal, but at least I can sleep at night knowing I did what I believed was the right thing - LOL.
@LuaCara (50)
• India
3 Mar 10
I think your grandparents should have accepted the fact that you and your husband were already in communication with Ben and were doing the right thing by him.
I am sure this must have made the situation most embarrassing for Ben too.Old people sometimes do step over the line and take umbrage when told they are on the wrong track.
Its heartening to know you tried to make up. I'm sure you all will make up very soon.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Mar 10
Thank you so much for your kind response. I surely hope that the relationship will be mended someday as well. You're right - I'm sure Ben was embarrassed because of how the situation had to be handled, but at least now he knows that my husband and I follow through on what we say we will do. I'm sure all is well with him now, but I have peace at heart to know that we did the right thing. I hope my grandparents will come around. Thanks again.





