My Passive Aggresiveness is destroying my life
By pipayst
@pipayst (140)
Philippines
March 10, 2010 12:44am CST
I've suspected it for months now. Right now I am a working scholar at school. Had things gone under my own effort I wouldn't even be a working scholar right now. My cousins used their influence to get me in. But day by day I feel like I screwed something up. Now I literally DID do something that one of the fathers were nearly contacted.
I just want to quit my working scholarship because I feel I'll just make things worse for everybody. Day by day I've been wishing to get a job so I could help with my sister's meds because I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. There's is also this sneaking suspicion that my subconcious is destroying me because I didn't get the scholarship through my own effort.
I also forget a lot of stuff these days. I used to remember all my classmates names within days and now their names don't even stick in my mind after months.
I can't control my emotions. I can't even finish my research paper because I'm locked up inside and I need to look for other research papers and copy off of them.
I know it feels like I'm running away but I just can't stand looking at everybody and pretend that I would be good at this job when I don't feel I can't.
It's going to break my cousin's heart but I just don't know what to do.
1 person likes this
2 responses
@dont_pick_your_nose (2279)
• Australia
10 Mar 10
Follow your heart never do anything that you have only been convinced to do without having your entire heart in it you will never succeed. I believe your family are trying to do the right thing by you and i think they truly believe the have your best interests at heart but only you can be you and only you can decide on your path. I wish you all the best and can only advise you not to burn your bridges maybe it is a good idea to apply over and over for another job before you quit. So you have a path to walk and to show your family that you have your own life to live and this is how you are going to get there.
1 person likes this
@pipayst (140)
• Philippines
10 Mar 10
I only know that there is going to be a lot of angry stuff flying around.
I don't feel like I'll be quitting my job. I feel like I'm going to be fired. I should type up my resume.
Oh hell this is complicated. I feel like Karma is playing tricks on me. You know, when I applied for jobs 2 out of 3 I was accepted. And there were also a few times when luck was on my side during those times. All of that through my own effort.
Now this working scholarship I got was through my uncle and cousin's influence. I try to be good. But...I just can't get that feeling of accomplishment I once had. And bad stuff seems to be happening around me. During these times I think Karma or my subconcious is punishing me because the effort wasn't my own. And I am very very scared because in the end I will be the only one to support myself. Not to mention my siblings.
I know my relatives mean well, losing this scholarship will hurt them and me too.
But I know that if I don't do this I'll end up blaming them unreasonably and then hate myself even more.
I was thinking about going to the Head of Student Affairs earlier to apologize. I was crying silently while checking papers and making sure no one saw me. This is going to be hard. *sigh*
@jypsyjulia (912)
• United States
22 Sep 10
Sounds like you might be suffering from depression too? I see this was 7 months ago. How are you doing now?
