What's wrong with this picture.
By laydee
@laydee (12798)
Philippines
April 7, 2010 3:33am CST
I was taken a-back at the events that has transpired over my friend's relationship. I don't mean to pry but I'm just a bit concerned, wouldn't you too?
Well, she was proposed to by a guy she has known for about 2years now. They've never really been 'together' so to speak because they were working in different countries (though they're of the same nationality and hometown). They've only been literally together for about 5-6months now (they've decided to come home).
Their tradition calls for dowry so the guy has paid the dowry. The wedding is set about a month from now.
Since he has come home, and it was temporary because he'll be going back to work a few months from now (after the wedding perhaps) he hasn't really been 'earning'. On the other hand, she works in the city and has a good earning.
What confuses me is the fact that she has been mostly the one spending for their dates and things. But that don't bother me, until he said, "Whatever you're going to spend for the wedding, I promise I'm going to pay when I get back to work."
What does that mean?
She's been having a lot of confusion and doubt, though she doesn't want to seem overly concerned about money (but I would be if I were in her shoes). But my point generally is, why the need to get married if you're not ready for it yet? Most specifically Financially?
What's your thoughts on the matter?
4 people like this
8 responses
@basqui (3888)
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
When I was still not in a stable job, I used to have my girl spend on dates but when I got a good job then she was always pampered with gifts and spoiled on what restaurants to eat from. Well, in my opinion, if your friend really considers the status of her guy then it's fine, that's what love is meant to be, having the moments when you are the one to give and there will come a time where you will receive. But your friend should see to it that her guy is really trying and doing hard to earn a living. Your friend should not share all of her savings until her guy is earning good on his job.
2 people like this
@Simi234 (142)
• India
7 Apr 10
It would have been a better decision if the guy would have said that they should get married after he starts earning. Is there any specific reason your friend wants to get married in a haste? Like family pressure? In that case, their decision is considerable.
But if there is no such reason, I think they should wait till they both are financially stable. It is not about not trusting your love or something like that, but it is better than regretting later to be a bit practical before.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
I actually have no idea why she'd want to get married right away. I feel that it has something to do with our age and her fear of not being able to have a baby if she waits. But the mere fact that she's asking us about her financial issues with him bothers me a lot.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
8 Apr 10
Sounds like he expects her to pay for the entire wedding and he will give her some money when he can. Truthfully after having been married to a man that didn't care to work and when he did manage to work his money went all to himself, I would not do it. I don't mind taking turns paying on dates or even paying my own way but there is no way I'd repeatedly pay the guys way all the time. I'm real independent. I don't expect him to pay my way all the time either. he must have some money if he was able to pay the dowry. I didn't know that doweries still existed. What stands out in your story the most is that your friend has expressed doubt. In that case she should hold off the wedding until she is 100% sure of what she is doing. The dowry can be paid back. These two should spend more time together and make sure that they are doing the right thing.
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
7 Apr 10
Hi, laydee. Home boy needs to get a job and a fast one at that!
I know that he does not have his woman paying for practically everything?? That is a shame!
I thought that the bride's father should pay for the wedding anyway...
When is planning on going back to work or perhaps finding a job? This would spell trouble for me, if I were in her shoes. A man should at least have a job, how else will the bills get paid when they move into a place of their own???
I know that he does not have his woman paying for practically everything?? That is a shame! I thought that the bride's father should pay for the wedding anyway... When is planning on going back to work or perhaps finding a job? This would spell trouble for me, if I were in her shoes. A man should at least have a job, how else will the bills get paid when they move into a place of their own???2 people like this
@jags420 (189)
• India
7 Apr 10
hi dear friend.. the very essence of being human is to be filled with error. no one is perfect. we all have various moods and impulses.. so when we are impulsive, a very wrong decision appears the best one for us. you can not help your friend.. just give her some time for spontaneous resolution.. then things will normally fall back to place.. have a great day ahead..
2 people like this
@1Mdollarmom (207)
• Philippines
8 Apr 10
It's a really tough decision to get married during these hard times. If she's the one more spending now, I bet the more she'll be the one in charge on most financial obligations when they get married. Maybe it's not the right time yet for them to get married. If the guy cannot support the minimal expenses for dating, how much more when they have their own children.
1 person likes this
@1Mdollarmom (207)
• Philippines
12 Apr 10
It's really so hard to say that to a girl who's really in a hurry to get married. Actually, I did that twice already. But, I couldn't do that seriously, so I had to say it jokingly. Maybe that's the reason why my message was not taken seriously.But somehow, I managed to explain to them seriously, that she had to think not only twice but many times before entering into marriage. Because once they're in they cannot simply go out. It's not a matter of breaking up with the guy but a matter of postponing the marriage temporarily and preparing each other in many aspects not only financially, but also emotionally,and many others. Getting married requires responsibility not only for oneself or one's spouse but also for the future of children. Why am I saying this? Because I've been in a similar situation.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
9 Apr 10
I agree with you on this one, Laydee. It doesn't sound like they're ready to get married. If he doesn't have the money to at least help her with the wedding, they should perhaps wait a little bit longer to get married. It won't take long to save and plan for the wedding. The bigger reason why they should wait is because it seems to me like they need to more openly communicate. Obviously, she is balancing the entire weight of the finances on her own. It's understandable that he might not be able to find a job right now, but he should be looking and actively helping her out as well. She shouldn't feel like she's doing all of this on her own, especially when she's planning on getting married soon and should be able to depend on her new husband to help her. I guess that's the way I feel because when I got married last year, my husband doubled my income and helps out around the house. So now we can get double the work done. I see it as, now we're a team. Marriage is more than that, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope your friend and her fiance work things out before getting married. She shouldn't carry the financial burden.
1 person likes this
@RachelleNH (1396)
• United States
7 Apr 10
Wow, I'm confused also...sounds to me like either he's dropping a hint that she's paying for the wedding (or maybe they've already discussed it)
but he did offer to pay her back but then again that's strange also because when you're together (in the married sense) isn't it a shared financial status?
Now they could do a cheap wedding (that's what I did) but if she's still not sure, maybe they should wait say for a year? Just to make sure things are stable and working out-as they sound like they haven't spent much time together..in the end it's her choice but if it were me, I'd wait.
I can see your concern for your friend...I think I'd be feeling the same too.
