torn between friends

@sugaree (109)
Philippines
April 13, 2010 3:06pm CST
i have always been an adviser to my friends. but this time, its me who needs an advice. i have friends who were already friends way before i even got close to them. all of a sudden, they were not friends anymore. they had a fight because of a guy who was the ex boyfriend of the other, who is already courting the other girl. so basically, the other girl is the present of the other girl's past. to cut the story short, their 4 years of friendship finally ended because of a guy. the dilemma for me is that i am torn between these two friends of mine. im sure the other one gets jealous if i spend more time with the other. both of them are my friends and i dont want either of them to think that i take sides. what should i do?
7 responses
@kharlav (1672)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
I believe you should tell both of them your part that you are not taking parts and you just want to be friends with the both of them. The fight that they have is their problem, and that it should be their consequence and not yours. Because i think it would be unfair if they get jealous or not allow you to be with the other friend. Just tell them what you are telling us right now and hope they would understand.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
i have already talked to them separately about it. they seem to understand but it still worries me. They both already have separate friends as they try to find substitute for their common friends just to stay away from the issue. its really sad that it has to come to this. but i have already done my part and i cannot force the two of them to sit down and talk about it if they dont want to.. i guess i just have to wait for the time they both realize that themselves.
@kharlav (1672)
• Philippines
16 Apr 10
I am glad that you have already talked to them. At least you have already done your part. If anything goes wrong, at least you can't blame yourself and feel guilty about it. Now, everything depends on them, if they will treat you the same or not. But I really do hope that they would give importance to their friendship more than the guy.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
16 Apr 10
yeah that's what i hoped for too. but up to this moment, they don't speak with each other yet. they're hanging out with different sets of friends. i hardly even see any of them anymore. :D i guess its time to move on, for them and for me :)
@raynejasper (2326)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
..hi.. well, I guess your two friends knew that both of them are your friends.. for me, the best remedy is for you to talk to them both and explain that sometimes, there will be times when you will need to spend more time to any of them depending on the situation.. and tell them frankly that they should not make that a big deal since you are their friends.. you are outside of their conflict.. keep out of their conflict for the time being.. and when you think both of them are ready to face the reality that they did not intend to fall in love with the same guy, that's the time for you to let them talk face to face.. but for now, just explain to them that you are not favoring any of them.. that you are not taking sides so they should not get jealous if you spend more time with the other sometimes.. of course, talk to them one by one not together..
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
i am considering that option. because i tried to get them to talk to each other after the conflict happened and it only made things worse because they just fought all the more it even came to the point they were already shouting at each other. maybe it would help to let them cool down a bit before asking them to talk. its just that i really think that their friendship is really a great loss since they have been friends before i even came, and even before that guy came in the picture. i just feel sad for both of them.
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
..right.. their friendship is really a great loss considering the many things that they have shared and enjoyed together for how many years and all of a sudden, their friendship ended because of a guy..
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
yeah, for me, it's really nonsense to lose a friends just because of a guy. I mean, i believe that whether the guy your friend is dating is your ex, doesn't matter. if you really love your friend, you would want her to be happy. If only their situation is as easy as that, but theirs is much more complicated. Which i could no longer elaborate here. i just hope everything goes well, even if it takes long to heal or put a broken friendship back together, i hope they come to realize that their frienship is a rare thing and it would really be a waste if they just let it die. :D
@airasheila (5458)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
Good day to you Sugaree, Well, its really hard to be at your place, especially if these friends are important person for you. Ask for me, first, I will say a little prayer. That I will ask for guidance and words that I should say to my 2 friends. It is indeed important that every situation should be course thru prayer. Then after that, I will try to talk heartedly to each one of them, that not to get jealouse whenever I am one of them since both of them are important for me. Well, of course, you cannot neglect the fact that if you are in any one of them, the other might be jealous, and this is somehow a normal feeling.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
16 Apr 10
it would really help to ask God for help during these times, especially that i don't know what to do anymore. i guess i have done everything i can do. and they must know that our friendship means so much to me. but if both of them are too hurt to even try to save their friendship, i guess i can't do anything about that anymore :)
@qamarep (4448)
• Pakistan
14 Apr 10
thats such an awful thing to be torn between the friends.. this is a natural phenomenon that guys will get jealous for this may be you will have to split ..
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
yeah, its really awful, especially when you cannot do anything to get them back together. i dont know how the guy feels right now but we can never really take it against them to fall in love. it happens, its just sad that sometimes you have to choose between love and friendship.
@mybabe (33)
15 Apr 10
it is really hard for you to torn between two of your friends coz i know for a fact that your close to both of them. i think you still continue to be their friends dont stop communicating and bonding with them if not the three of you. i think also that if they are your real friends they will not think your taking sides. they will understand you, just dont say anything bad that will really give bad impression to each sides. just be with them, have an open arms and ears if they need you. better to reconcile the two,, have a heart to heart talk with them both. good luck.
@annavi23 (6306)
• Philippines
15 Apr 10
when i'm in your position,i also really don't know what to do.but your friends just ended their friendship just for a guy?it sounds funny sometimes but these things really happen.actually i,myself have a friend who has a boyfriend and that guy likes me.i know its rude to take chance on your friend's boyfriend so i don't allow it.and that time i really didn't like the guy.and i am not the type that takes over my friend's boyfriend.i don't like ruining friendships just because of a certain guy. as for your friends,it will take time for them to realize what's worth keeping,your friendship or having that one guy.its hard to accept that things specially when you value your friendship.4 years is long enough.and its hard to find real/true friends.its really up to them if they still want to be friends.as for you,you can try to talk to them separately about each other.try to convince them to save your friendships.if its really not possible,then time/God will only tell what will happen next.
• Netherlands
14 Apr 10
Well friends, I do not recommend that you see yourself anymore as advisor of your friends, simply because human beings are in most cases ungrateful and cunning. I would keep the tone of normal conversation as well as to avoid getting affiliated with any side, and would instead try to make new friends and contacts, for clearly those friends may not always be there for me, if you get my point.