my dilemma

Philippines
May 9, 2010 7:20pm CST
my friend married twice. she left her first husband because her husband is too lazy and she has problem with her mother-in-law...she bore 2 kids from him... after a few years she found love and now living in with him for two years and yes, she bore another kid with him. the problem arises whenever he comes home drunk with all their money spent out and worst she's either punched or hit...she planned to leave him and bring with her their kids. but she always stopped herself from doing because of the kids. she asks me what to do. i m a wife and a mother, i really want her to pack up her things and leave her husband but she's nowhere to go, no work to support herself and the kids, no family to turn to for help. currently she's living with me and her kids its frustrating that her husband until now isn't picking her and the kids up. it feels like he wants her and the kids out from his life. I will soon be moving to my husband and I can't bring her along. how can i break it to her to try stand on her own? am i cruel if i say that i can't bring her and her kids? help!
2 people like this
16 responses
• India
10 May 10
You have yourself in quite a situation. The problem your friend is facing is no longer just limited to her but it has spread its tentacles in your life too. May be you went out of your way to help her thinking that the problems would be sorted out on its own. May be you thought her husband would come and take her back. However, it seems he wants her and the kids out of his life. There is no use hoping against hopes that he would come back to take her. Only thing you can do now is to help your friend to help herself. Help her to find a job for herself, so she is able to support herself and her three children. She should not try to find another companion because the same poison, which had killed her two earlier marriages, would kill it again. Meanwhile, you may ask your husband to let her move with you all for time being. Hope he agrees; and if he doesn't then I would not advice you to ruin your own life for the sake of your friend. You will have to tell her firmly to find some another place. You may tell her that thus far and no further; after all you have to lead your own life. On the other hand, you might find yourself in a situation similar to hers. Then the things would be worst for you both.
• Philippines
10 May 10
you are right and thanks for giving me another option to take consideration since her problem shouldn't be affecting my marriage with my husband. i will find ways how to tell her without making worst for her. thank you again. ^^
@DOLLYBABY (2534)
• United States
10 May 10
i honestly don't think you cruel at all.your right you obviously can't drag her and her kids along with you to live with your husband.it's probably the beginning of your marriage and you wanna spend time with your husband without any interference.and besides that you have helped her so much by letting her and her kids live with you until they can find a place of their own.i think it's now time for your friend to take charge and stand up for her rights and face her problems with her husband.but obviously she got to do something before something do her.
• Philippines
10 May 10
thanks for the advice...it really make me feel lesser guilty or better yet, takes out the guilt from my chest about this whole situation. now the problem is for me to break it to her. ^^
• United States
10 May 10
You can only help someone so much. They are her kids, and as a parent it is her responsibility to go above and beyond to provide for her children. She made some bad choices with her loves, but those were her choices. You don't have carry your friends problems on your back. It's up to her to just get up and do something about it. You can give them a boost or assist, but it's up to them. It sounds like your friend might also like jerks. Some people say the only thing you learn from divorce is how to divorce again. Just tell her your moving and she's not coming.
@Cutie18f (9560)
• Philippines
10 May 10
OMG!That's a real big problem. Maybe at this stage you can help her find some work so she can support her kids. Is that impossible? I am sure that there must be some work that she can do. You can also help her go to social welfare for help. A friend was also in the same situation and she and her kids were given food and shelter for a month by the department of social welfare, but within the month, she was given the chance to look for work.
• India
10 May 10
complex issue..You are not being cruel if you let her know of this dilemma...someday or not she has to stand up on her own for her kids sake...its better if a close friend like you tells her this and not any outsider. yes, you have to have little patience when telling her because the situation she is in, she is likely to take it negatively and maybe become depressed.,..be tactful..
• India
10 May 10
just tell her you are leaving to ur husband's and speak o her husband or ask some elders to speak to her hubby if not if she has to take care of the kids so badly tell her to find a nice job until than help her out the only problem shes facing now is to take care of the kids tell her personally shes grown up and ur friend she ll respect ur problem i think
@viviya (89)
• China
10 May 10
Of course,you can't bring her long.You have to live your own life.And she has to dependense on herself.But I think you should persuade her to work outside to make life different from now on.Since she is your friend,you still should do your best to help her to go through the hard time.
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
10 May 10
your friend should realize that she cannot depend on you forever. it might be best for her to separate from her current abusive husband, but then she should first get a job so that she will be able to support her kids. she has to be strong for her family.
@qamarep (4447)
• Pakistan
10 May 10
i wish i could marry twice.. it can be reall happy news to do this
@jennyze (7045)
• Indonesia
10 May 10
You must have heard a saying: You have to be cruel for a better result or something like that. I am not good at quoting. I think, you have to tell your friend the truth, that you are moving into your husband house and you cannot bring her and her kids with you. I would not even think of asking permission from husband to let her and her kids stay after your marriage. It will create a rift between you and your husband eventually. She must know that her stay with you is temporary. What did she do while she's staying with you? Just mopping around and regretting her choice of husband? Doesn't she think of ever finding a job for herself to be able to take care of her children? She can start with washing dishes in a restaurant, be a live-in maid in a big house, be a nanny or anything for s start. It may not pay much, but it shows that she is in charge of her own life, not depending on others like a sponge. Sorry, I don't like this kind of a friend. The point is you have tried to help her. It is time for her to help herself. She cannot expect your benevolence forever. You can only help where you can, especially now that you have a husband. I hope it helps.
@lingli_78 (12834)
• Australia
10 May 10
you are not doing the wrong thing at all... your friend need to learn to stand up on her own feet no matter what and i can understand why you don't want to take her and her kids with you... you want to have a privacy as well with your hubby and you have your own family... you had already done what you can do for her and i think it is now the time for her to stand up on her own and make decisions for her life and her kids... good luck... hopefully everything will be sorted soon... take care and have a nice day...
@maura21 (51)
10 May 10
leave him...........but some pple r hard headed
@kukaw27 (50)
• Philippines
10 May 10
Definitely you are not! Actually you are one of the wonderful friend i have known. You helped her together with her kids. But she must also face the fact that you too have your own. She must make a move to find work for her family. I know if you will just tell her the truth the you will be living with your husband. Am sure she will understand.
@alexies29 (124)
• Philippines
10 May 10
She's an adult and I believe she'll understand. She should expect nothing from her husband if she don't want to disappoint herself. Try to help her recover, maybe she should look for a job, get an apartment, or go home to her parents house even for the meantime. She should learn her lesson and focus on herself and her kids. Maybe it would be better for her not to get involved with another different relationship. She should be thankful to have a friend like you. You've already done her a favor, so don't need to worry if you have some things to do on your own.
• Philippines
10 May 10
It's really a big problem. But the way I see it, she has only 2 choices, it's either she's in or out. If she chooses to stay in, she got to move back to her husband and bear all the tears and sufferings. But just a piece of advice, she better choose out. Yes, maybe it's hard or even harder cause she has to work hard to raise all her kids. But believe that there's a God who is just watching all of us. Even birds who are not working are being fed, how much more us humans? She better start now, find a job and work hard. As for you, you can help her find a job. Explain to her the scenario, I know she will understand. Best of luck!
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
10 May 10
Hi teriyaki, No you are not bing cruel at all but I can understand how you feel. She really does need to stand on her own. No one but ourselves is responsible for our own survival. There is a lot of help out there for women like her and she needs to get out there and check out what is available to her and also look for jobs to support her and the kids.