Getting rid of neighbours who come round?
By karen1969
@karen1969 (1779)
May 19, 2010 3:07am CST
I have a problem. My next door neighbour is a 78 year old woman who is very lonely, lives with her cat and her family live overseas. I am friends with her but some days, she takes up so much of my time that I can't do anything else - and being a mum of 4 kids, I am always busy! Some days, she has been round for half an hour, then rang me for another half hour, then come round for another half an hour, then been chatting to me in the back garden again!! At this point, I have had to not answer the door or phone to get SOMETHING done!! After a while, she repeats herself (almost word for word) so it does get very tiring. My husband thinks I should be blunt to her, but I don't want to be rude. She doesn't take hints though. I have answered the door partly dressed, obviously ill and with plate in hand obviously eating - yet nothing stops her and there goes that half an hour of my time (and it's been up to 1 1/2 hours a time!!). So has anyone got any ideas of what I could do or say to curtail these LONG visits and phonecalls? Thanks!!
3 people like this
7 responses
@med889 (5941)
•
19 May 10
This is difficult now because she is an old lady and she does not have anyone besides so maybe she comes at your place to get company. I can understand your plight though, you should tell her that as from today you will come to visit her and she may stay at her place to avoid walking a lot and then you can visit her when you want to, she will be getting this hint now. This is bad but if you really think she is taking too much your time then you should make her understand that you got four kids to take care of and its not easy at all so when you will get time you will come over at her place.
@karen1969 (1779)
•
20 May 10
Thanks for your kind and helpful advice and for taking the time to respond :-)
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 10
Hi Karen!
That sounds just like my Mum's friend Annie who is 90. She doesn't live next door but was constantly on the phone (not just to her but to her family) and it got to the stage when Mum wouldn't answer the telephone.
You have a different problem, however, in that this lady calls around to your house. Your husband is right; you have to be blunt with her although it does seem she may be suffering from slight dementia if she is repeating herself a lot..so may not take any notice.
The only other thing I can think of is to contact Social Services..God forbid, not to put her in a home but for them to help her out. If you explain the situation to them they may come up with a solution, for example a befriender or voluntary organisation that may be able to help and specialise in stopping people like your neighbour becoming isolated. If she does end up being in contact with a befriender or volunteer as opposed to you (that has no time to really talk to her) then that may be the way forward.
@karen1969 (1779)
•
19 May 10
Yes, I would like to help her and it would be good if she had friends nearer her age who she could chat with happily for as long as she wanted, so that is a good idea. I do give her quite a lot of time and don't mind this to an extent, but I know once I am doing my degree in October, that I'll need quiet time during the day to study, while the kids are at school. My youngest has Aspergers so it is hard to study when she is home.
1 person likes this
@nixxi76 (3191)
• Canada
20 May 10
When you're in the middle of something like eating tell her you'll call her when you're done and there's nothing wrong with not doing it.. just pretend that something came up and you forgot. I had a neighbor just like yours and that's what I finally did. She eventually backed off and had no choice but to find something else to do. Don't feel guilty for doing this either.
Take care
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@karen1969 (1779)
•
20 May 10
Thanks. I guess sometimes you just have to be "cruel to be kind" but it is hard to do without offending people.
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@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
20 May 10
hi karen maybe you could suggest some clubs like flowerclubs or other interest clubs that really cater to us older women. she is lonelybut she does not seem to realize you have a family and work to keep you busy. also in most cities there are places in civic centers that cater to senior citizens and have all sorts of things to keep them busy with different interests. so get out your phone book and look up these places then suggest to your elderly friend that she seek some of them out for friendship if nothing else.
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@karen1969 (1779)
•
20 May 10
Thanks, that is a good idea too. I appreciate your contribution to the discussion :-)
@ann101 (518)
• China
20 May 10
It is a good news to start an open university degree.Only when you tell her about your feeling now can you know what the folling result will be.Obviously,she is a kind old woman,so don't hesitate to do it,at the same time you can introduce some old people to her as your substitution too.Without try you will never know what will happen then.
Good luck to you!
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
20 May 10
Thanks for your kind comment. I think it would be great if she could find friends her own age too.
@Ciara5 (10)
• United States
20 May 10
Oh this is one of the most difficult situations there is. You want to be generous and giving, but you also have things you have to attend to.
Maybe you could try arranging a standing "date" with her. That way, she knows you are interested in her and you can arrange it at a time that is convenient not only for her, but for you, too.
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
20 May 10
Yes, it is hard to get the balance right as I don't want her to feel shunned, yet I need to take control back, as I feel sometimes she dictates my whole day and I end up not answering the phone or door! Thanks for your useful comments, I appreciate them.
@oldchem1 (8132)
•
19 May 10
This is a very difficult position to be in.
Your neighbour is obviously VERY lonely.
Unfortunately I don't think that there is any other way than what your husband says, you will need to be blunt.
You don't need to be nasty, but you need to explain to her that she is taking up far too much of your time.
Are there any age concern clubs or the like in the area that you could suggest for her to try and get her attention away from you?
Good luck
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
19 May 10
Thanks. It is a difficult situation. I don't want her to think I don't like her, but I also can't lose this much time talking to her. I'm starting an Open University degree in October and I am going to have to devote a few days a week to that and then my time will be even more precious. She was a Jehovah's Witness and had the support of her church for a while, but that doesn't seem to be the case now.
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