I really feel like ending it

@rosie230 (1699)
June 1, 2010 1:29pm CST
I just don't know how much more I can take, everything seems to be falling apart, I am so sick and tired of the way everything is going. I feel like I am being used, I am trying to bring my kids up, but I am struggling to find the energy when I feel so awful. It's not fair on my kids, and if I could go to sleep and not wake up I feel like I would be a lot happier. I hate living like this I hate feeling like this. All I ever wanted was to be happy, and now it's all falling apart. I don't think I am control of the situation anymore, it's just getting worse and worse. I feel worse every day. If it wasnt for my 2 kids, I think I would just leave this world behind me, because I can't stand feeling like this no more. I hate what this is doing to me, I thought I was a stronger person, but I'm not... I just feel sick, and so unhappy, how could I let myself get hurt like this before... everything has just been a broken promise.
6 people like this
20 responses
@ellie333 (21018)
1 Jun 10
Hi Rosie, Now take a deep breath and re read what you have written, you may be feeling that way but like you say you have your kids to think about, this is a moment in time and will pass. Cry the tears you need to cry, feel the way you need to feel and then get back up again, which you will although at the moment you do seem overwhelmed with everything. Feel for you as it is obvious you are so unhappy right now. Huggles. Ellie :D
2 people like this
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
Thanks Ellie... I am unhappy, in fact the most unhappiest I have ever felt, I don't want to cry in front of my eldest son, so I am trying so hard to hold back the tears. It is so hard. I thought our life was changing, I thought everything was going to be ok, and then it just feels like today my world has been turned upside down. I just don't know what I am supposed to do to get passed all this. I know my two boys need me, but right now, I am glad that my 15 month old is tucked up in bed, because I just can't cope at the moment. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better, but at the moment I don't actually see a way of anything getting any better.
2 people like this
@karen1969 (1788)
1 Jun 10
Are you getting a good night's sleep? Maybe not with young kids. That can also wear you down and make you feel at the end of your tether. If so, see if you get chance to take a nap when your little one is asleep.
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1788)
1 Jun 10
I am really sorry to hear you feel like this. I have suffered from depression in the past and do understand your feelings, as I have been there, when everything is just becoming too much and I was the same, it was my kids that kept me strong and kept me going. Your kids will get you through this. Talk to a friend or family member or go to see your doctor, as you may need counselling or medication or maybe just a night out with friends away from all the stresses of home life. Take care, lots of hugs and GOOD LUCK!!!
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
I know my kids are there for me, I am not tired through not sleeping, my boys give me a good nights sleep thankfully, otherwise perhaps I would be feeling worse... At the moment I am heartbroken I don't really know what else I can say other than I just can't seem to do anything. At the moment I am sat in bed... my 9 year old is sat in the living room watching TV. He knows that I am sad, but he does not really know how to react. I can't expect him to either... he doesn't understand what is happening i my life, he only has a rough idea. Thanks for your advice karen really appreciating everyone here right now
2 people like this
@karen1969 (1788)
2 Jun 10
Well, we are here for you as much as we can be!
• Philippines
1 Jun 10
Weigh it in. What's more important? Leaving this world or being with your two kids?
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
I know and believe me if it was not for the fact my two boys were here with me now, I would be gone. I just can't take care of myself right now, and I am trying to pull myself together for my kids. Why do I pick the wrong people in my life... I give them everything including a child, and they throw it all away, including their child, what am I doing wrong, and why do I deserve to be treated like this.
• Philippines
2 Jun 10
You're saying if your kids don't exist, you could have killed yourself already? Now, what could specifically be the reason why you want to kill yourself? What are the things he had done to make you go to that state of trying to kill yourself?
@cip116 (1011)
• Romania
1 Jun 10
Nobody should judge you(family or friends) You must do one thing :you do not look past,you can not change things and your life now belongs to your children. You must decide what is more important now Peace and joy your children or a live in a sad atmosphere? I am sure that you choose what is best for you and your children In a home,three walls are property of woman and one wall of man. A woman can live without a wall...you can put a flower there because is prettier and useful than a man
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
thanks for your kind words... that really is a nice way to think about things. i am very much in a sad atmosphere, but my children are my life, and somehow tonight whilst they sleep, I need to gather some strength to take care of them the way I know how.
@cip116 (1011)
• Romania
1 Jun 10
Tomorrow you must to do a picture with you and children They need to understand that you three are a family
• United States
1 Jun 10
The good thing is your stronger than you think. Plus your thinking about your kids in the house. When I was feeling this way I took a bottle of pills and went to bed. I forgot I had a 6 year old who relyed on me to survive. I was gone at that moment in time. Your going to make it sooner than you think. Try to put you first and not try making everything perfect for the kids. They are happy as long as your smiling. You can make it as long as you have yourself and your kids. Be strong and live your life. Don't feel abd about this it will soon pass. You are a great persona and deserve to be shown this.
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
I want to be stronger, I thought after the last time I could never be hurt so badly again... but I have and am being trampled on... the knife went in and now it is being turned and turned sinking in deeper... that is what it feels like anyway. Maybe your right and it is going to get better, maybe I just can't see that yet. I hope I can get rid of this pain though, because it really does hurt, and its eating me up inside.
• United States
1 Jun 10
I feel for you. I do hope you gather strength from your family because they're all you've got. You don't need to hear to "I told you so" speeches from them and those things won't make life any better. I really hope that things will look up for you soon. Sending thoughts and prayers your way *hug*
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
Thank you... I think that I am just a failure to my family, as far as relationships go. I am just no good for anyone in my eyes.
@oldchem1 (8144)
1 Jun 10
Rosie Try to calm down a little, things are feeling bad for you at the moment but they WILL get better. I know what it is like to feel like this, believe me it DOES get better. Your kids need you, you have obviously been very badly hurt, have you no friends or family that you can talk to. Do take care! Hugs
@rosie230 (1699)
1 Jun 10
Thanks for your kind words... I do have family and friends, but I can't talk to them. They would just say things like "I Told You So", and they would find ways of critising me and what has happened, and to be honest I really don't want to be hearing all that, it doesn't help me with the way that I am feeling now, and I hate for them to know my business, as good friends and family they are, they just are not the people to go to when your upset, not like this anyway. I used to have friends like that, but I don't anymore.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84069)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Jun 10
Your children need you. Please, please go and get yourself some help. See a doctor, see a counselor, somebody. The worst thing you can do to your children is not be there for him. It's going to be a long hard road, but you can do it.
@tomitomi (5440)
• Singapore
2 Jun 10
Do it slow if you may but don't give up. Think of your kids. They do not deserve this either. And they need you as much as you need them. Write down your thoughts on papers and they become clearer over time. Take care and have all the luck in the world...
@rajaiv0810 (1013)
• Philippines
2 Jun 10
Hi Rosie! You feel like ending your life? Is that how low you look at yourself now? I feel very sad that you are actually thinking about this and seeing your son in the pic makes me feel even sadder. I am sad not for the situation but because of how you made yourself out of this relationship. Rosie you have been through a lot already and I think it it time for you to stand up and fix your life. Your life with your children and if it means leaving your boyfriend you have too. I know it would be painful and it is in fact painful now. But until when do you intend to hurt yourself like this? It is only you who can make the choice and not anybody else. Do you think you'll gonna be happier if you stick there with him? Do you think you'll gonna feel better when in reality you are just torturing yourself. You have wonderful children and you have to see that. You have to be strong for yourself and most especially for your children. Feeling the hurt is a phase, dealing with it comes next, third is moving on. Don't let this things swallow you. Find your strength from your family and friends. Let them help you to move on to start a new life. Don't ever try to think of ending your life because of some man. He will never be worth of your life. Focus your love to yourself and to your children from today. Take good care of yourself. Be strong.
• Singapore
2 Jun 10
hi rosie... it's ok rosie, everything will gonna be ok. i just can give you a little bit suggestion hope it can help you. life always give us many-many temptation but if we can finish that temptation will will gain something. just believe that every hardness will give us easyness, after we can thru this all sadness im sure you will gain that happiness. this life just like a round whell. don't surrender or get fall, just believe everything will changing, like a dark to sunny. be faithfull. :)
@thanks1961 (7042)
• India
2 Jun 10
My dear Rosie, What is this? Your are a mother of two sweet babies. And seeing on their face can you end up your life? You have give birth to these sweet hearts. If you are not there who will look after them. Atleast be loyal to your children. Whatever the problems you are facing, just close your eyes and relax. I didn't ask you what is the problem and I am not aware of what type of troubles you are facing. My dear, I am feeling very much disturbed on you. This is the time you need to be concentrated. However, if you are troubled with financial problems, discuss it with your hubby and if could help, manage with that. I want to tell you more on this, but this is not the page for it. I will post you through your personal mail. Be happy or try to be happy, Things will change tomorrow, today's sufferings will end up within few days. When your sweet hearts become little up, you will enjoy more and more. Trust me, I want to talk you every day that to know how you feeling. See you tomorrow and will contact through myLot. Warm regards, Thank-s
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
2 Jun 10
Hi rosie, You have to find your inner strength...it is there. You can't count on anyone else for your survival or your happiness. The most you can do is appreciate those that do help and those that are honest and good. I was devastated when my marriage fell apart....not once but twice. I didn't have a lot of good options and so I just faced the dragon head-on. My kids were all very young. We lived in a tent for months until we could find our own place. It humbled me and I learned lots. I learned to appreciate the good things in my life. I prayed a lot and it helped. It is really hard to raise kids on your own but i did it and you can too. The key is to appreciate help from others but don't rely on it.
@Yori88 (1468)
• Philippines
2 Jun 10
I do not know why you are feeling really down but I understand how you feel. I myself was in some point felt the same thing you do right now. But believe me we are never given a problem we could not solve. So just pray and seek help to other people especially to the person closest to you. If you can't find reason to live, just think of your kids. They still need you. You may have that problem right now but believe me the saying "this too shall pass" is absolutely true. And also think that there are a lot of people out there who's got heavier and bigger problems that you do. So why stop the fight? Life is like that but if blessings come, they pour.
• United States
2 Jun 10
Hey Rosie, don't loose heart. You're not the only one going through these feelings. Be strong for your boys, they need you. Imagine what would happen to them if you chose not to exist anymore. Then the depression shouldn't matter anymore. I think you're very lucky to have two beautiful children, a real reason to live. I have been told everyday of my early 30 years of life that I was a looser and no use for this world. I grew up lacking self love and respect for myself. I wanted to end things too but had to find the courage to love myself as odd as it felt. I would have loved to have two beautiful children and for sure, I know I can get through anything. Unfortunately I am not blessed with them. I understand how your family downgraded you. I don't recall anything positive input from my family either. And even if it were true, they would have been smarter to encourage me to be the best I could. Can you believe this? I had to quit medical school to go home to take care of my dying father, to help my mom as support, and for my brother to finish his schooling just to get backstabbed by them all. I lost everything, I mean everything. My future, my possessions and my youth. I am now struggling to find a job in this tough economy. No one is hiring a medical student that dropped out for her family unless I have a license but I didn't finish. I worked so hard just to loose it all. They still call me all those negative stuff but I know I am deserve better. I hate my life situation too but I'm no stranger to being mistreated in life. I made a promise to myself to love and respect myself no matter the situation. Even if I was at fault, no one has the right to tell me all those negative things that hurt me so much. But now I take the bad and try to turn it into something positive. Is it tough? Hell yeah but I have no choice. Crying or hurting myself isn't going to make the situation better. Trust me, I tried so many times. I love children and would love to be able to hold one. If I could, I know my misery would automatically erase and give me 110% energy boost. You have that and I don't. For your children, I pray that you find the courage to get yourself out of this situation. Family or not, you have to do this for yourself. You have a wonderful myLot family here, you're not alone. There are books and activities you can do. For me, I cry it out, tell myself I am worthy to live happy and go on with life. It's admirable that you don't want to show weakness in front of your children but it's going to take a toll on you and them. They're smarter than that so there's no use of hiding it. They can sense these things and the more you hide it, the mnore unnatural it is for them and it can affect their mental status later on. If I were you, I would try to not hide feelings from them because these are true human feelings. The children will have to realize it sometime in their lives and why not from someone who they love? I'm sure even though they don't know specifically the situation but they have a natural way of making a parent happy. They might smile or hug you. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? Then I guarantee you, you're negative thoughts will dissapear. That's how families bond, by going through ups and downs together. I remember my dad going through the same thing. He was depressed because he left everything to come to this country and it seemed like he wasn't he was getting respected either. I remember seeing him cry and that made me love and respect him more. I wanted to share his pain but didn't know how. Even though it's been ages, I do remember just going up to him and hugging him. I guess it worked because that was once in a blue moon situation when I'd see him that way. But most importantly, I respected him because I saw his struggles. And when I thought I couldn't make it through medical school, I thought of my dad and that gave me all the courage I needed and more. Now, it hurts even more because he's gone. All I have are memories of him. I mean, I can't even get back to my house to grab our family album. Now do you still want to play "who's worse" game? Be creative and do it for the boys. Remember this is only a temporary feeling and taking your own life is a permanent thing. I hope you don't waste such a beautiful thing. No one can help you but yourself. You're not alone. And what if you truly are a failure now? Things can change dramatically tomorrow. You will never be able to change your family nor the world, but you can always change yourself. Your boys look up to you. Good luck and God bless.
• Philippines
2 Jun 10
everybody wants to happy but first u must know what will make you happy. changes of environment can help. why not try a vacation in your parents house so that they can help you take care of your kids. let your 2 kids sleep with their grandparents and you sleep in your own room when you were still single and living with your parents. try to go visit some old friends from the neighborhood. you are strong person believe me .. why i said so? you did not deny the fact that you are not happy but still there for your kids.
• Philippines
2 Jun 10
You take t easy... Let your kids be your inspiration to change. Yes, in order for you to move on you must make changes in your life. Take it little by little. You can do it! ;)
@smiley83 (1535)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 10
honey such dramatic situations usually happen to us..you do have every right to cry & to feel down..it is a humanistic behavior that no one would stop you from... I have read some of the myloty members' responses here & yeas you are right as sometimes we don't feel like talking to friends or family members as they would just worsen up the whole scenario instead of finding a way out of it!! so, why don't u just take a break & get yourself isolated for a while to relax your mind & flash back the whole thing to come up with something positive at the end! go to the beach & sit there on the seashore during the sunset as it really helps in calming yourself down... believe me dear; it just a matter of time and things would be history after awhile!!
• United States
1 Jun 10
I am very worried about you! please take a break for a second or two because you have your children that love you need you and you love and need them. It will all work out. I know because i am a mother of five children and I had some pretty bad time when they were little. it's was not easy but I got thought it and so will you. Take a deep breath Snow
@doormouse (4619)
1 Jun 10
i'll tell you the way i deal with things,it'll be quite harsh and straight to the point,but that's just me,,what i do is think sod it,there are people a lot worse off than me,so stop moping and get on with it,,i don't tend to really worry about much because life is too short