It's so hard being a wife sometimes...

United States
July 30, 2010 1:17pm CST
I try to be as supportive as I can to my husband... even though we are not in the ideal situation.. but I find that we are now arguing over simple and petty things... I used to sit and argue but now that I'm getting older.. I find myself just hanging up on him or getting away from him before the argument gets started because we are both very temperamental, bull-headed and stubborn. I just wish that we could get along sometimes longer than a few days or a week without arguing over SOMETHING. I know that marriages aren't perfect and there are ups and downs... but we've been through so much already and are trying to work things out since we've been separated for so long.. but it just feels like we're different people from who we fell in love with and it's like learning someone all over again. I wish things were like they used to be before we had our child and when we were just dating.... Things were so much easier then...
2 people like this
12 responses
• United Arab Emirates
30 Jul 10
i know its hard being a wife unless you have an understanding husband. I also know that its hard being a husband when you dont have an understand wife. We havent argued for 2 years as i agreed to whatever she said. Things have changed so much after marriage. Sometime i just think if i have made the right decision. But i dont want to regret on my decision. At office when my collegues used go picnic i never used to go the reason was my wife didnt like it. Girls at office used to tell me that you are being too liberal with your wife. My answer to them was how will you feel if your husband loved you like this and they used to keep quiet. I think i am paying the price of being too liberal. But i know that things will be fine between us. I trust in GOD.
• United States
30 Jul 10
You're absolutely right... it's about understanding and compromise. I once read this quote.. this is an improvisation but... the guy said that it's not about gazing into the eyes of the one you love... but about looking together in the right direction. That quote touched my heart and my life and ever since then... I viewed things a lot differently in my marriage. He says that I'm acting different or funny... not like I used to... but he doesn't understand that I am changing and growing into the woman that I've wanted to be.. it's either grow with me or leave me alone.. but anyway I could go on for days listing the problems.. but the bottom line is that I love him with everything that I possess, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and endlessly. That's why I'll never let go. And you are also right... we have to trust in God. We are on His time... and we have to always remember that. I think that being too passive and not having anything you want could be miserable at times.. but I really don't know about your marriage firsthand but I can say that if you love her and she loves you... everything else should fall into place, right??
@34momma (13882)
• United States
30 Jul 10
relationships grow and change but sometimes the people in them don't. you have to be able to grow as a person and change when the relationship changes. having children really makes a relationship grow and change. You have to be up for the task. that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy but it means if you want to stay together you have to do it. treat it like a business and write out a contract on what you both want, what you won't put up with, and then commit to those things for yourself and each other
• United States
30 Jul 10
That's always so much easier said than done, though. We outlined in our vows to each other what we wanted out of our relationship/marriage when we got married in 2007.. but things just have been changing so quickly that if we aren't working together or seeing eye to eye.. we aren't adapting quick enough. We are still kind of young and were young when we got married.. so we have a little time to fix things.. but I just wish things were like they used to be.. but I guess I have to accept the inevitable and go from there. Thanks for the advice!!
• United States
30 Jul 10
@34momma very well said, I could not have said it better, although I am no longer married, I do however have a live in boyfriend not know the true meaning of compromise or be compromised. @mrscallands22 Relationships in general are very difficult and there is no such thing as a perfect couple, not in the absolute. However sometimes things are just not suited and well after all attempts things either get repaired and or they just do not work. However when a relationship has gone in the direction you explained above something has to change in order to maintain a relationship, doing absolutely nothing about it basically causes the relationship to grow completely apart and well then there is complete resent and a life of misery. Good luck with that hope all works out for all.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
3 Aug 10
Having a child will really really change things up. You don't have as much time for each other as you used to and you are probably more tired at the end of the day. It's hard dividing yourselves up to be there for your spouse, your child and still find enough time for you. Not sure why you were separated to begin with or for how long. If there is any way that you can possibly work things out then that is the best way for your child. If your problems can't be worked out then it is maybe best for all of you to go separate ways and work towards a civil way to raise your child apart from each other.
• United States
3 Aug 10
I seriously have been trying to make things work... but the more I try... the more it seems to fail. Currently, we had been separated for over 2 years before getting back together and now we're apart again. I feel like I'm wasting my time and before I waste anymore of my life, I almost feel like moving on. One of the main reasons why I wanted it to work out between us was for the sake of our daughter, but now I am feeling strong enough to just go at it alone. Thanks for the advice!!
• United States
3 Aug 10
I can totally relate to the it's hard being a wife sometimes issue. When you get married there is no longer I... It's supposed to be WE, and operating as a team on one accord is a trial in itself. Sounds like some ways need to be changed on both ends... It's virtually impossible to make something work when your always bumping heads, and if you're both stubborn. Something has got to give. A successful marriage this day in age is a hard task, but it takes a lot of work on both parties to make it work. There are several stressors and things out there that can tear it down. I had kids before I got married, and I was with my husband about 8 years before we got married, and I really don't want to bring God in the situation because I don't want to cause any confusion or disrespect etc. Or sound preachy. I sense your frustration I have been there several times, my husband and I have never separated while married...we've separated before we got married. Have had a few close calls where the Divorce word has come up, but as crazy as he makes me and vise versa we still find a way to make it work. I can say that when we stop trying to be stubborn and work with each other and try to line up and let God be the center of our relationship, things run more smoothly... but when we get caught up in our own selfish ways and etc All hell tends to breaks loose! Kids can complicate the relationship especially if you all have busy lives, you have to work hard to make that special time for each other. I have a few relatives that make a point to have a date night with each other once a week and they alternate on who treats each week. If you all truly have a desire to work things out, maybe you need a neutral mediator to help you all get through those rough spots. I wish you all the best. I am sorry if I derailed off topic ~ I meant well
• United States
10 Aug 10
That is excellent advice and just what I needed to hear. You have no clue how much negativity I hear from others (that I'm close to) when I mention marital or relationship issues. It is good to hear someone speaking on the good side of trying to make things work rather than "it's not worth your time, leave it alone!!" I really appreciate that more than you'll ever know. I actually took your advice and even though it took several sit-downs... me and my husband worked past our differences. We are doing ok now... but I will definitely keep what you said in mind every time something comes up!! Thanks so much for the brilliant advice!! If I could give out two best response awards, you would've received one, too!!
• United States
30 Jul 10
Things are very different when we get married and when we have kids. My husband and I fight almost every single day over silly things that don't really matter anyway. Things were much easier when we were dating too. We didn't have as much responsibility and we had no distractions. It was just me and him and our love. Now, things are much more difficult. So many things get in the way of the love and sometimes the love seems to hide behind all of the stress and responsibilities. It's really hard to still find the love and the reasons you fell in love in the first place. That's why it helps sometimes to have some date nights because just for that night it brings back all of the feelings and burning love you had while dating. You have to try to remember all of the reasons why you fell in love with your husband. I hope this helps some at least. Good luck with everything
• United States
31 Jul 10
You know what?? I think that in this discussion that we can relate the most. Your marriage and mine sound so similar. And you are absolutely right in everything that you're saying. The days of lovey dovey.. get to know each other.. meet the parents and all of those days are long gone. I was 19 when I got married and I really don't regret getting married so young. I have lots of people question me about it... but it kind of just goes over my head. I had my era of partying and going out but at a young age I decided that I wanted someone for me and to build a life around that. I just hope things work out because I really love that man. Thanks so much for the advice!! Reading your response touched my heart... therefore you receive my best response award!! *throw confetti*
• United States
10 Aug 10
Thanks so much for the Best Response =) If I have touched one person, I am happy and I have done something right! I hope things work out for you!
@krnavtr (285)
• India
2 Aug 10
Its so hard being a wife sometimes....Husband never knows what is happening in and around the family as he is never interested in being with his kids and wife.Wife can't manage as she is jobless if her husband never supports her.We can't predict what our husbands thinks so they keep on changing when they see new ones.They forget that they had kids and wife at home and enjoy on a other side.Unless and until the child calls him father,he will not remember that he have kid.Its not very good to marry and on the other hand its very hard being a wife.
• United States
2 Aug 10
Yes, marriage is a totally different lifestyle from that of which before someone marries... very difficult indeed. I could not agree more. Thanks for sharing your views!!
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
30 Jul 10
Nothing ever gets settled by walking away or hanging up. My husband and I are going through something similar. We have been seapated for five years, and I have come to the point that he has to be the one to call me himself. I'm tired of putting myself in a position to be hurt.
• United States
30 Jul 10
That is true.. nothing does get solved by ignoring the problem.. but I also find that trying to discuss the problem after things have escalated is just as pointless. We always address the situation and/or issues later... after we've cooled down. We're both very controversial and a face-to-face debate would NEVER end between us unless the other person ended it first... I guess now that person has to be me... But I do understand where you're coming from. My husband and I have been separated for over 2 years and it's rough trying to get back... because I guess we mostly expect things to be as they were and since they aren't... it's harder to adjust. But I know one thing... I'm sure that God will work it out for YOU and ME!! Thanks for sharing!!
@geniustiger (1694)
• Philippines
31 Jul 10
It is true that being a partner in life is not easy and perfect enough. I don't believe that someone say their marriage is perfect. It is mixed emotions happiness and bitterness together goes every now and then. It depends on us as a spouse how to handle the situation. We will just fasten our seat belt so much and try to overcome the struggles in life and always ask Divine Guidance to give us strength and power to do so. Both of the husband and wife has a mutual understanding that if one is fire the other is water. And if there is a quarrel settle before the morning comes. Learn to say sorry and be humble at all times.
• United States
31 Jul 10
I can definitely agree with everything you've stated... because all of it is very true. Maybe I should just apologize to my husband... I just am tired of always being the one to bite my tongue or cave in... I love him true enough but I feel that my love for him is changing and not in a great way, currently. But, maybe if I apologize... even if I don't mean it... we can get on with our lives as normal. Thanks for the advice!!
• Philippines
31 Jul 10
Indeed the modern hero nowadays is called wife, coz they are the only person in this world who possess a different persona, having the attitude of selfless love for the children and for their husbands cannot be bought at any store. They have the character that is so unique thats why theyre called mothers. I understand if its so tiring to be a wife coz a woman has multiple roles and its so tiring to a good wife while becoming a great mother, a good daughter and a loving sister.
• United States
31 Jul 10
I wholeheartedly agree with your response. Being a woman in general isn't the easiest job in the world... we have so much expected of us from all areas of our families, society, friends and everyone else. Sometimes the pressure is too much... and with us being the more emotional being, sometimes overwheliming to the point where it's almost not even tolerable. I try to be a good daughter.. even though my mom and I don't have the strongest relationship. I try to be a great sister.. being there for her whenever she needs me and loving her like no other sibling could. And I try to be a good mother to my daughter who watches everything that I do... which means that I have to demonstrate at ALL times how to be a strong woman. I equally try to be the best wife that I can be to my husband, loving him unconditionally, supporting him 110% and compromising things I'd want or want to do... for his happiness. So I know exactly what you mean by that.... The huge question is..... Will it always be this hard?? Or does it get easier with age???
• Romania
31 Jul 10
I am not married but i know relationships are difficult to keep!tRy to have a discussion when you and him are very calm!
• United States
31 Jul 10
Yes, marriage is far mroe difficult than that of a dating relationship... but with it SHOULD come more responsibility and things like that... or there would virtually be no difference between the two. And I am waiting until he's not mad anymore and I've decided that I'm just going to go ahead and apologize to him. I tell everyone who isn't married that is thinking of marriage... to wait as long as they can... Thanks for advice!!
@cachehit (166)
• China
31 Jul 10
i think you should communicate with your husband instanly when there are some problems appeared between two of you. only just instanly communication can cutdown the later wrangle...wish you happy...
• United States
1 Aug 10
I've tried that before in the past... and in my case, it is proven to be ineffective. Confronting each other at our peak of anger and frustration turned out to be the worst thing we'd ever done... contributing to our 2 year long separation. Things are still a little shaky, but I find that waiting until we've both calmed down to discuss our issues... is better. I am waiting to apologize to him now.. even though I wasn't in the wrong... I just want us to be happy. Thanks for sharing your views!!
• United States
30 Jul 10
My husband and I just got married in Oct 2009. It has been very challenging for us because I believe that i married a man that was undercover selfish. I try to do everything ( I do all the cooking, he can cook, I do all the cleaning, he can clean and i take care of our two year old by myself) mind you I am 5 months preggers as well. i am looking into find a marriage adviser because I just want him to be the loveing and caring man that he used to be. I think a marriage counceler is our only hope at this point because we argue over who is doing most of the house work and takeing care of our daugher the most. Neither of us work and he get's a very good amount in unemployment so we never ague about money its just every day issues we argue about everyday.
• United States
31 Jul 10
Marriage counseling is a good idea and sounds like something you and your husband should both willingly try with your pastor. However, if he doesn't want to go or only goes on the strength of you wanting to go, I wouldn't force him. That may drive a deeper wedge between the both of you. It seemed like my marital problems escalated with the more people I involved or talked to about it because they began to influence my decisions and you never want that... Trust me when you're weary, you're vulnerable. Just a thought. But if he's willing to go with you, I say I'd be all for it if I were you!! Good luck!! Thanks for sharing your experience!!