Thinking/dwelling too much while in a relationship??
By phoenix1344
@phoenix1344 (698)
United States
August 17, 2010 9:47am CST
I've always had the problem of overthinking. I have been with my well, ex/current boyfriend (I'll explain) for 4 years. About 4 months ago, due to being unhappy and to the fact that there needed to be MAJOR changes to my relationship I broke up with him. Well about 3 weeks later I started dating someone else. Things were good at first but then I started suffering from major anxiety. Questioning and breaking down my happiness every second/minute.
Am I happy now? What about now? Am I happy I'm kissing him?.. Whatever these thoughts plagued me. As time went on, I started missing my ex and while I first tried the hating tactic, I still loved him a lot. The guy I was dating at the time knew how I was feeling but that didn't help. It was the realization that I didn't have feelings for him beyond friendship that freed me from anxiety.
And then I was single for about a week and a half. And while I wanted to not be a lone, like most people, I didn't suffer from anxiety. And throughout that week I was missing my ex more and more (The one I was with for 4 years). Well I finally ended up seeing my ex... and it was good and hard at the same time. I started thinking about being back with him and then a week later... a family ordeal happened in his family and I wanted to make sure he was going to be ok so I was there for him. This just happened this past weekend.
That night I kissed him. And it went from there to me crying and telling him I still love him, we held and kissed, and held each other. It felt so right, it was so good to be back in his arms.
But the next day is when the first doubts started creeping in. It was as if someone took my emotions and blocked them from me.
Its the most awful feeling ever. I go from being so sure of how I feel to suddenly confused and lost. Its like everything I know is real suddenly becomes incredibly questionable and I start to over analyze every little feeling and wondering if its true happiness.
It kills me because I know I love him. Infact I started crying last night and he was telling me to talk through my confusion, just talking. And I did and after listening he said to start with what I know. And then deal with the complicated stuff later. And it took a bit to work through the fog but it hit me that I do love him and I know I do so I could base my feelings off that.
But it doesn't help. Once again I feel like my feelings have been stripped from me. Thats the best way to describe it.
Its awful because with the guy I previously dated, I was confused because I didn't love him. I went straight from a very, very love relationship to dating. And it confused the hell out of me. And now I'm with the guy I love and feeling confused over that.
Its awful. I feel like none of my feelings are real or consistant. The love has to be real though. I shared 4 years of my life with him, I physically hurt whenever I thought of how our relationship didn't last before. And I felt so incredibly happy and complete when we reconnected on saturday. So why is it I lose those feelings? Why do I think too much?
When I'm not in a relationship this doesn't happen. I want my feelings to be consistant for once.
Please help??
1 person likes this
1 response
@deriellevc73 (982)
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
hello phoenix!
the fact is, you rationalize everything too much. from what you're feeling to what you don't feel at all, you find reasons or justifications for it or just think about it, which led you to question things which should be left as they are, feelings, not something to be rationalize about.
you see, when we truly and genuinely love someone, we feel the happiest when we are with them but it doesn't mean that the relationship would always be a bed of roses. you cannot forever ask yourself if you are happy with someone, or are you happy with your present situation. You have to work on it to be happy. it is natural to feel confused and bored sometimes, especially if you always do everything as always for the past four years of your life. if you are in a rut, then you must have contributed to the situation also. you have to help out too, to make the relationship as exciting and happy and enjoyable as before.
asking yourself questions, rationalizing your feelings and actions will only lead you to feelings of inadequacy, which in turned makes you search for something that is within your reach already. the only thing is, you are not cultivating it to make it grow and develop more..instead, you let doubts grew in your relationship.
if you want to be happy, then feel the moment. nurture the relationship, value your bf. don't let doubts creep in and create havoc and confusion in your life once more. it should be black and white, either you love him and wants to be with him or you don't care for him anymore and wants out permanently. if you really feel that you don't love your bf anymore, then leave him for good and forget him. if thoughts of him keep creeping back, find something to do to entertain you.
it's about being sure of your decisions and of your feelings. you are in constant doubt, because maybe deep inside you, you have an inkling that you are not sure of your love for him or that he is not that good to you.
it's not the length of time that counts in a relationship. its the quality of the moment you spent together that counts. sometimes, we could have a relationship with someone for 10 years and then realize one day that we are not inlove with that someone after all, see? love is confusing. and doubts leds you to confusion even more. so, make up your mind. do you want to love or just think about love and its justifications? its up to you..
