Any comments on my writing are more than welcome=^.^=(I'm practising writing) I
By zhuxuan
@zhuxuan (12)
China
September 5, 2010 10:50am CST
She stopped at a Mcdonald's drive-through, ordered a McNugged. She was very hungry now. Her partner's perfomance enraged her, so she refused to have a coffee with him after the play as usual. She thought that he didn't have all his fuculties in place this evening.
It's a scene of a re-election activity. She roled a legislator, he roled a prosecutor. They were remarking something about the ethics committee. When he found that he couldn't persuade her to agree with him, he began revealing something private about her. When she was acting she was out of control, punched him in the mouth and grabbed his wrist to bite him, which was expidating one of the climaxes of the play,she realized that he didn't spread such a kind of nervious vibration from his performance. She didn't know what's wrong with him at that time. It was almost a meltdown for her tonight.
The employee gave the food to her. The traffic let her stranded on the road. She was familiar with this situation but she couldn't bear it now especially she was in such a bad mood. She turned on the radio, but she didn't hear even one word. "He was simply worried about his own things." She murmured.
Stay hungrey!
Pain is a requirement, not a curse.
1 person likes this
4 responses
@T_Diamond (965)
• New Zealand
6 Sep 10
Hi there Zhuxuan. If you're interested in writing, head down to mywriterscircle.com. 
It's a community of friendly writers who share their stories, articles, poems, we have a section for each.
...or just head down to the coffee shop to talk about...just talk lol 
Look for me there, mz001
It's a community of friendly writers who share their stories, articles, poems, we have a section for each.
...or just head down to the coffee shop to talk about...just talk lol
Look for me there, mz001 1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
6 Sep 10
I am curious T_Diamond, are there published authors on this site? Because I am ready to submit my query, but finding some roadblocks.
@T_Diamond (965)
• New Zealand
6 Sep 10
Mywriterscircle is a site I've been on for over an year now. I've met aspiring authors, and published authors. Recently we've just had a member, Biola, get her book published by IFGW publishing. 
So if you've got some work you want to share for honest feedback, Carmel - it's a place for you.
We usually submit one post a day, with prefebly no more than 2,000 words. Otherwise it's a big task to proof read and we have to keep in mind, people have lives outside the forums 
Zhuxuan - It's not a dating site, it's a site for aspiring writers as well as published authors to give each other feedback on their writing.
So if you've got some work you want to share for honest feedback, Carmel - it's a place for you.
We usually submit one post a day, with prefebly no more than 2,000 words. Otherwise it's a big task to proof read and we have to keep in mind, people have lives outside the forums
Zhuxuan - It's not a dating site, it's a site for aspiring writers as well as published authors to give each other feedback on their writing. 
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Hi zhuxuan, some of the grammar needs work and some tightening. I hope you don't mind, below I worked out the first three sentences the way I'd write it.
It does sound like an interesting story, do you have it all written down? That is what you should do first, write down the whole story and then work on editing. Here is a good site I found just today that may help. http://www.bukisa.com/articles/273799_to-write-a-story-20-ways-to-write-a-story-better
I am also a member of a couple sites, one for helping with the manuscript, the other for your query. If you like I can share them with you.
[i]She was really hungry as she pulled into McDonalds drive-through to order some McNuggets. She refused to have coffee with her partner as usual after the play, not following his performance earlier.
[/i]
@zhuxuan (12)
• China
5 Sep 10
I really like your rewrite. Thanks!
I'll check the link and I would like to know the website which you mentioned.
I'm improving writing techniques because English is not my mother tongue. So I decided to write something everyday!
It's not a whole story. It's just something passed by my mind. Because of my condition, I can't write a whole story now. I really hope I could in the future!
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Oh well if you can write it down, don't worry about grammar or spelling, but get the storyline down and then you can work on making it better. I am almost revising my own story for like the tenth time and I still wonder if it is good enough..But this is it, I am not going to revise anymore,I am submitting the query sometime this week..
I have a suggestion, does it have to be in English? Because someone mentioned about writing and how hard it is to write in English properly and I mentioned about writing it in your own language and then see if you can find someone to help you translate it. I also mentioned how with my story, I would love to have it published in many different languages, I think that would cool..:)
@zhuxuan (12)
• China
6 Sep 10
Oh! Plz submit your query. Don't think too much about it. There is nothing flawless especially writing, but writing could satisfy us, right?
I respect your goal highly and am hoping your story could complete soon.
This passage is my practice. I'll write a whole story (maybe a short one but completed in English. It will satisfy myself ^^)
1 person likes this
@amybrezik (2118)
• United States
6 Sep 10
The story held my interest and made me want to know more. I agree with the first person, that some of the sentences need some work, but I do think you have a good start here. Keep up the writing and good luck
@sweetloveforeve (13118)
• Portugal
6 Sep 10
you made a little mistakes but is not bad^^ if you practice more for sure you will speak english very well^^ learn a language is not easy and you are doing your best^^ just keep studying and you will speak very very well and write well too^^ anyway if you need some help with grammar just message me^^ i will try to help^^ if we make a lot of effort in things we can do it^^ i want learn other languages too and for sure if i learn it i will make many mistakes :) thats normal. anyway you just made lil mistakes not many so is good^^
