Is this selfish?
By mommyboo
@mommyboo (13174)
United States
October 13, 2010 9:54pm CST
I have I guess what I would call a childhood friend - I haven't actually SEEN him since I was 13 or 14 years old. It's been over 20 years. We recently got back in touch and he is planning to be in my neck of the woods soon.
Is it selfish to want to get together with him without other people around? I have a friend who wants to meet him too and she said something to him. I would NOT feel this way if I had seen him recently, but I kind of wanted to spend some time catching up with him uninterrupted. I will probably bring my daughter with me too so he can meet her, we were only kids the last time we were together in person. He has a little boy too but he's not bringing him along.
My current friend seems to not understand my desire to catch up alone. If you were in my position, do you think you would feel the way I do? Can anybody give me insight why she doesn't understand or respect my feelings about this? I told her how I felt and she doesn't seem to 'get it'. I'm not telling her what to do, just my feelings on the matter. I would not push if it were HER friend SHE hadn't seen in 20 years, I'd probably prefer she goes by herself. It is much easier to catch up with someone without outside distractions.
What would you do?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@jennyze (7027)
• Indonesia
14 Oct 10
I don't think you are being selfish. You said that this friend contacted him and say something to him. What was his reply? If he wants to meet her and you at the same time, then you cannot blame your friend for trying. If he really appreciates your childhood friendship, he would say something to your friend that prevent her for meeting him at the same time as you.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
She said something about it to me today and I was kind of noncommittal about the whole thing, I was hoping maybe she'd drop it instead of continuing but I wasn't that lucky. She kind of pushed me to tell her how I felt about it, I didn't say how I felt because I wanted her to feel bad or necessarily not meet him at all, I just wanted her to understand that when you have an old friend, sometimes you just want to catch up alone and not have to worry about or deal with other people, what anybody else says, what anybody else thinks... etc etc. I really am more of a one on one type of person anyway, always been that way, although there are some situations where I don't mind a crowd. What I really didn't appreciate is the insistence on being invited. If I had seen him last week and already caught up, I don't think I'd care. There's a certain amount of trepidation involved in getting together with someone you haven't seen in a LONG time...
@jennyze (7027)
• Indonesia
14 Oct 10
Unfortunately some people are like that friend of yours. What is her intention to meet him? Is she a friend of him, too? If she is just wanting to see him, you should be firm with her and tel her she can meet him another time and to give you time to catch up with him.
@Yestheypayme2dothis (7874)
• United States
15 Oct 10
It sounds to me like she wants to get to know him and push herself on him so she can hook up with him. Some women are so desperate. On the other hand, maybe she wants to compete with you for him.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
16 Oct 10
That's how the behavior appears, doesn't it? Thing is, she's married, so that's another thing that bugs me. Usually I don't care, and actually if it were a stranger I probably wouldn't care, but I draw the line with that behavior with my old friends.
@4mymak (1793)
• Malaysia
14 Oct 10
hi,
instead of telling the girlfriend that just wont understand,.. why not try talking to the guy ??.. be honest with him, that you wish to have sometime ALONE with him, and maybe both of you could set up some other arrangement, without your other friend.. your (girl) friend is probably not sure of how to be around that guy if she was alone with him, so probably need you around with her.. so.. make 2 separate arrangements - i'd do that...
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I'm going to have a drive probably an hour or more to meet up with him, so it's not like he's passing right thru where we live and I can snag him to have dinner and then call her to meet us for drinks after. I WISH that's how it could be, but I'm thinking maybe I'll call him up and see if he might be willing to come thru town, if he's willing to drive here vs me driving there, I'll let him know I just want to catch up with him alone. If he's not willing or can't drive here, I still may tell him my conundrum, I hope he understands because she tossed all sorts of things at me - none of them true - when I mentioned I'd rather meet him alone. She's taking it personal, when I would do this same exact thing with ANYBODY from my hometown, where I grew up, if they came out here. I'm not a big 'groupie' type of person, I prefer one on one time, especially if I didn't just see the person last week. A hell of a lot happens over the course of 20-21 years, and most of it didn't include any of my current local friends. BTW none of my other local friends have expressed anything of this nature, most of them are glad that I may get to meet up with an old friend and none of them have tried to get invited along... just the one.
@snowy22315 (208926)
• United States
14 Oct 10
Maybe you could compromise and have like an hour of uninterruped time with him and have your friend come later. That way you and your friend should both get what you want and no one will be offended. Hopefully that will work for you.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I think it's a little odd that she insists on getting to meet him. That would be like ME insisting that I get to go with her and meet her old high school friends, or worse, telling her that if I can't go WITH her that I'll just go by myself and meet HER friend. Seriously, that's kinda how the conversation went. I'm kind of flabbergasted, I would NEVER do that, not only do I think it's right out of left field, it's disrespectful. I HAVE met some of her old friends but I only went as a favor to her because she's asked me, not because I decided I just HAD to meet them, and I also did not think suddenly that since I'd talked to them a few times, that I was as close to them as she was and that I should be included in everything and invited to everything too. Some of them do invite me to things but I have only attended a few, and only the ones she goes to as well.
@fwidman (11514)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I don't think you are being selfish here. Your friend needs to butt out. Tell her that you are going to meet this old friend without her and that's the end of the discussion. Tell her maybe after the two of you have had a get together and caught up that the next time you go you can take her along.
If she doesn't understand this then she is the one being selfish. Perhaps you need to remind her that the entire world does not revolve around her 
1 person likes this
you made me giggle. I think when I hear from him I'm going to ask him if we can get together during a weekday... early. Then I won't have to say anything at all....lol
@rdm001 (69)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Honestly, no. Just tell your friend upfront that you wanted to be with your childhood friend alone, no interruptions period. Tell your friend that she can just meet him some other time. Why is your friend so interested in your childhood friend anyway? Just be honest and everything will be just fine.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
Thanks! Well... she thinks he is a nice guy, and quite honestly, he IS a nice guy, but bottom line, I met him a long time ago and I don't want to have to juggle anything else when I go see him. This is not the first one of my friends she has managed to get 'attached' to via talking to them on my fb. This is actually the third time this has happened. I have no explanation for it, and it's not like she's doing it to 'get back at me' or anything because I have never behaved this way with her, or really with anybody. I think it's really inappropriate and it makes me uncomfortable, as well as totally not wanting to introduce any MORE of my friends to her, even by accident.
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I don't think it's selfish. Maybe she should consider how she's going to feel if the two of you monopolize the conversation and she's completely alienated while you guys catch up? When you haven't seen someone for several years, even if you stay in touch on some level (email, networking sites, occasional phone calls, etc) there are things you miss out on that you want to share with one another when you see each other again. That's just how it happens. My best friend lives in California. I live in New Jersey, but for awhile I lived in Colorado, where her boyfriends family lived. When they would visit his family, she would make it a point to spend a couple of days with me, but her boyfriend and my boyfriend knew to kinda stay out of our way. We wanted to catch up and spend time together. They were both there, so they could chat and kinda get to know each other, but if only one of them had been there, I bet they would have felt rather isolated and excluded.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
Thank you. I can't see how I can feel any way than the way I do, and I would feel the same regardless of which friend it was. I simply want to spend some time together and then maybe after that it could be opened up to a group activity... but I wouldn't want him bringing someone else along either. He is meeting his brother down here and I don't remember ever having met his brother, so that's another thing. I doubt I'd care if he brought his brother AFTER we'd met up and reconnected, but it would definitely make me feel like a third wheel otherwise. However, I wouldn't have any problem with him bringing his son, children are different. 
I'd invite my husband along but he usually doesn't want to take away from the fact that I haven't seen somebody in a long while, plus I'm almost sure it's going to be during the day and he won't be home.
I have always tried to be respectful and not monopolized someone else's friend, and understood that while I might talk to them and get to know them somewhat, I don't have the connection they do with the person, so I don't get to expect that either.
I'd invite my husband along but he usually doesn't want to take away from the fact that I haven't seen somebody in a long while, plus I'm almost sure it's going to be during the day and he won't be home.
I have always tried to be respectful and not monopolized someone else's friend, and understood that while I might talk to them and get to know them somewhat, I don't have the connection they do with the person, so I don't get to expect that either. @Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Oct 10
mommyboo I do understand really. I think I would have been a bit upset
if my friend did not understand that I wished to meet this old friend I'had not seen in years by myself. For one thing we should always
respect the feelings of our friends even if we do not understand why they feel that way.itis not for us to judge. I would do just what you have done. I think perhaps your current friend is having pains of
jealousy. You told her how you felt and that should have been them end of it as that's
not for her to judge even if she does not understand.
not for her to judge even if she does not understand.1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
It's frustrating that she doesn't understand, because I don't go about trying to get to know her childhood friends - unless SHE is involved in bringing me around them purposely. When she does, I do enjoy myself but I NEVER forget they were her friends first. I think she is forgetting that and it kind of feels like a violation. I also kind of expect my old friends to be loyal to me... and I don't think that is an unrealistic expectation. They should care more about seeing me than meeting my friends, and that shouldn't even come up until later. In fact, I think it's perfectly reasonable LATER, just not the first time we actually get together in years.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Oct 10
Of course you want to get together without a lot of other people. What would happen is there would be all this conversation around everybody else, and the two of you wouldn't ever get caught up. If you two stay in touch and you want him to meet your other friends, you can always do that later.
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
14 Oct 10
I agree with you. This is a personal thing that you need to do alone without your friend. I think your friend should respect your decision if they are truly a god friend. 
I visited an old friend last year that I had not seen for at least 14 years. Actually I visited two of them. Both of them I had found again through Facebook and both of them I visited with my family as we were travelling through where they lived. It was hard to catch up on some of the old times and everything that had happened to us over the "missing" years as I had my wife and kids there as a distraction. It was still good to see them, but not how I had pictured the reunion being. 
I visited an old friend last year that I had not seen for at least 14 years. Actually I visited two of them. Both of them I had found again through Facebook and both of them I visited with my family as we were travelling through where they lived. It was hard to catch up on some of the old times and everything that had happened to us over the "missing" years as I had my wife and kids there as a distraction. It was still good to see them, but not how I had pictured the reunion being. @mommyboo (13174)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I'm so glad you understand... I felt like I was pretty clear but maybe that just doesn't transmit correctly to someone who is not coming from the same place you are. I've talked to him on the phone - which is when he mentioned he was going to be out here, and based on our conversation I assumed we'd get to catch up alone. That's always what I prefer. I haven't seen my best friend from high school since my daughter was a baby, so it's been over 6 years. I'd love to see her again too, but I would prefer to see her without all of our families or any of our other friends, as we don't talk regularly any more and there'd be a lot to catch up on. Same with a few friends from way back in elementary school, I'd want to schedule separate times to see them alone, not a group thing. Maybe I wouldn't feel so much like this if my current friend hadn't practically insisted that she get to meet him too. That kinda got under my skin. She has no history with him and I don't want to talk about current stuff, I'd rather have a chance to talk with him about stuff that's happened to us since we last spent any time together.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Oct 10
This isn't selfish at all in my opinion. You see, this is your friend and I think that you have every right to want to catch up with him. I think I would ask your other friend to understand that you do need to have the opportunity to catch up with your friend first and perhaps the next time that you are going to get together with him that it would be fine if she were to come along. I know that if someone told me that, I would be more than happy to fulfill the wishes that my friend had that was seeing one of their friends for the first time after twenty years.
