Should I let him go?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
United States
November 5, 2010 3:48pm CST
Hmmm..
So, my sister in law called earlier and left a message on the machine that she has an extra ticket to the college football game for 2 weeks from now and wants to see if my oldest son wants to go with her.
At first I was a little excited.. my son LOVES football, and loves our college team (well he loves their basketball team.. the SU football team typical stinks but they're doing well so far this year).
But the more I thought about it.. the more I don't think I should let him go.
First of all.. that is the weekend of the twins' birthday. Not that we're having a big party or anything.. and of course their birthday shouldn't stop him from being able to go out.. I'm guessing she forgot it was their birthday as she didn't mention it in the message.
The bigger issue is our relationship with SIL. We've never been very close to her. She has done and said things in the past that she hasn't been forgiven for.. she didn't even speak to her parents for years before her mother died.. now suddenly she's back to speaking to her father every so often.. but hasn't really contacted us since her mother's death. So here she's been like non-existent since my son was maybe 7 (he's 13 now) and now she wants to take him somewhere?
I know I can trust her with him and all.. but I don't know if it's a good idea to let him do this knowing that afterwards she's just going to disappear from his life again for awhile.. maybe even forever. That's how she is.
She has previously made promises to do things with him and never followed through. And back when we did speak to her semi-regularly my son absolutely adored her.. she was the fun aunt! But she only ever wanted us around when it was convenient for her (usually just holidays). Now suddenly it's convenient for her again.. I just don't think I should put my kids through this.
I just don't know... on one hand I know he'll have a good time.. but on the other hand if she wants to be an aunt she needs to be around more often and not just when the mood strikes. I'm not asking for daily or weekly phone calls... just a bit more contact and effort on her part, but that's not like her and I'm certain it never will be. She's too caught up in her own life to care about anyone else's.. including her niece and nephews.
What would you do?
1 person likes this
15 responses
@Christmas2006 (1661)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Your sister n law sounds so much like my daughter! I would say they must be twins! I raised 5 kids and my situation was a little different, we had a cousin that always invited my step son to things but NEVER any of the other children. Of course he always came home and bragged about it to the other children. The next time he got invited I asked why him and the answer was because he was their cousing, well so were my two youngest! (we had the mine-2 yours 1 and ours 2)anyway she did take the 2 youngest but never invited him again to anything! I think at 13 your son is old enough to understand things,so if it was me, I would explain it to him, about the game, her lack of dependability(and hope he doesn't tell her!) that it is the twins birthday and let him make the decision.
@Christmas2006 (1661)
• United States
6 Nov 10
That would be the best way to handle it. If he doesn't know about the offer and she never shows up then no harm will be done. If she does show up to take him, well, surprises are always wonderful. And he will enjoy it. And of course it should be a decision between you and your husband. Good luck.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Nov 10
I haven't told him about the invitation.. and won't! If I decide to let him go I'll tell him when she gets here to pick him up.. cause there's a very good chance she won't show and he'll be disappointed.
However my husband agrees that we probably shouldn't let him go.. so we probably won't. I vowed years ago not to let her get close to my kids again because they don't need that sort of instability and heart ache!
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Other than the fact that your son is old enough to go with her & who knows when he'd get the opportunity to go again. I would say no not to let him go because like you said she comes in and out of your life as it's convient and certainly waiting 6 years is a long time to forget about your disappointed nephew and then show up with football tickets.
On the other hand if you explain that this will probably be a one time trip w/ Aunt ______ and not to expect her to call, mail you a holiday card, or nothing for a long time so expect to be disappointed in her lack of communication skills and don't get upset if it falls thru or you don't hear from her. And if he seems to accept that's how she "rolls" and you trust her to return him safe & sound + feed him that's your call. What does hubby think? Or anyone else who knows her tendancies think of this proposal to go to a game?
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
8 Nov 10
As long as the choices they make don't directly hurt her in any way or themselves what's to hold a grudge over them for? They'll always be her parents no matter if she talks to them or not.
BTW... how's the move coming long?
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
8 Nov 10
Well my SIL is in her 30's.. just a couple years older than me. A bit too old to be holding a grudge against her parents for such a silly reason. They did nothing to hurt her, she just didn't agree with their choices for their own lives.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
6 Nov 10
i think you should discuss this with your hubby and son as well... what is your hubby's opinion and does your son really want to go with his aunt to the football game remembering that she had been absent from your son's life for 6 years now???... also, i think if you decide to let your son go, you have to have a heart to heart chat with your sister in law first and ask her honestly what is her motivation for doing this... that is what i will do if i am in your position... take care and have a nice day...
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Hubby feels the same way I do. I can't mention it to my son though as the football will prevail over the aunt. Football prevails over anything for him, lol.
@Margaret40 (10)
• Jamaica
6 Nov 10
Talk to both parties also don't make your son lose out on a special maybe once in a lifetime moment with his aunt. Life is precious.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Hi Kats,
Well, since you trust her not to let anything happen to him, I would say that you should probably let him go if he wants to. At 13, he is old enough to understand that his aunt is the type of person that will be in and out of his life randomly because that is just the type of person that she is and it has nothing at all to do with how much she cares about him. Just talk to him and make sure that he doesn't get any false hopes of her being a constant and regular part of his life. It's just not who she is. On the other hand, if you deny him to go then he maybe will look at YOU as the reason why he does not spend time with her even though of course that isn't the case and you are just trying to protect him. I think that at 13, he is old enough to decide for himself on this one. If he is really angry about her lack of presence in his life then he can be the one to decline her offers and it might make her stop and think.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Nov 10
This is not something I am even going to mention to him.. he has no idea about these plans. I will keep it that way. If I decide to let him go.. I still won't tell him until she shows up to get him as she's the type who doesn't always follow through. Though I don't think I'll let him go. She isn't really a good person.. she doesn't have contact with us because she doesn't like us.. she doesn't like her own brother, and he did nothing to hurt her, she's just jealous that he gets attention for having kids and she doesn't get attention for having money. When she's around us all she does is point out our flaws and makes herself look better than us.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Hi kats~ I definitely get what you're saying and I think I tend
to agree with you about having her "around" more often in the
kids lives before letting them get too attached only to be let
down again. Especially because your son is older now and even
though he would probably have a great time with her, he also
might feel more hurt if she decided to back away again afterwards.
It is a tough decision that you and hubby have to make and I
don't envy you on this one. I'm honestly not sure what I would
do either?
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
7 Nov 10
I guess we ended up deciding he could go. We were all set to call her and say no.. our reason would be because of the birthdays. Then just before he was to call her hubby called me and said "Well..." If we left it up to our son, he'd say yes regardless of who was taking him.. it could be the person he despised most in the world and he'd still say yes.. because he has never in his life seen a live football game and as I said, he LOVES football.
So I started thinking maybe I'm only saying no to punish SIL.. and she wouldn't "get" the punishment.. she'd just think we were too busy or something. Sure we could come out and tell her about her behavior but she wouldn't listen, or see why it's a big deal.. it would be like talking to a brick wall then she'd be mad at us again.. not that we care but still not the results we want.
So why punish my son to try to teach her a lesson she'll never learn? My son is aware of her behavior, and aware we're not totally crazy about her.. so I'm sure he'll completely understand that this doesn't mean she's back in his life.
I do not plan on telling him of the plans until she shows up to get him.. so after he gets home I'll be sure to tell him not to expect her to be around anymore.
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
5 Nov 10
What is your goal? To let your son have some fun or to make her become a better aunt. She is who she is. I don't think you can change that about her. This is all she seems to be capable of doing. Take her for what its worth. Let him enjoy her company while he can. There are always ppl in your life who come and go. It doesn't mean we have to write them off completely. It doesn't mean they don't love us either. We can't make ppl meet our expectations. We have to accept them for who they are. If you go into this telling your son that this will be a fun experience but letting him know that it may be only a once event, you will help him handle future disappointment. BUT.... if you think she may pull out at the last minute, then I think your son may want to choose whether he says yes or no to this. Warn him but let him decide.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
5 Nov 10
No I am not trying to change her.. I'm trying to protect my children. I know without a doubt she's not going to be permanent in our lives. There's nothing that can ever change that.. and it's her choice. I don't want to let my children get close to a member of their family who won't be there for them! Why should I allow her to constantly disappoint them?
She very well may pull out at the last minute.. or just never bother to call again about it if we don't call her back to let her know either way. So I probably won't even mention it to him unless I decide to go ahead and let him go and she shows up to get him.. I'll let him know as he's getting into her car!
1 person likes this
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
5 Nov 10
I guess that I had assumed that she had already mentioned it to him or that she mentioned it in his presence. I think not telling him is very wise! I remember standing at the front window waiting for my aunt and cousins to come and take me to the circus when I was quite young. She never came! I wish my aunt hadn't let me know and that it just would have been a pleasant surprise if she had come. I was very disappointed.
In this case then, I think you are handling this very well:)
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
6 Nov 10
I would let him go.....some people just don't have alot of contact with others...my oldest sister is the same way....but she is my sister and I have to accept her whatever way she is.....just do a bit of explaining to your son....kids have alot of insight anyway....he probably is aware of the situation a bit without you even mentioning it....
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Nov 10
My SIL has a lot of contact with people.. as long as their in the same social status she is! We aren't good enough for her because we don't have money. Hubby and I have been on Facebook for years and she hasn't bothered to try to add us as friends.. but she's got all the rich cousins as friends on there.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
16 Nov 10
Protecting him will always be your first priority. Good for you, I'd want to as well. BUT..he is getting old enough (I think) to figure out that sometimes people are not who we want/need them to be. She probably will go back and forth on things forever. He will at some point have his own opinion about it. And may eventually tell her himself. For now he is 13 and FOOTBALL rules. I'd have looked at it as an opportunity for him to go, and if she disappears again explain to him about taking the good(the football game) with the bad (her being the way she is)
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
16 Nov 10
Well, we're letting him go, and he's even spending the night at her house that night due to how late the game gets over with (it starts at 7pm). So far he doesn't know about it at all! We decided not to tell him just in case something comes up and she needs to cancel.. then he won't be disappointed and heart broken. At some point this week I probably will tell him that he's spending the night at her house, so that he can prepare himself for that.. but I won't say why.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
5 Nov 10
if you can trust her to keep a good eye on him, id let him go but explain to him, she might not go at the last minute or something because thats her nature to be flighty. its not him. im sure she loves the kids in her own way but some people are like this. i had the same type of aunt growing up and she was fun but only got to see her once every 2 or 3 yrs and she'd have me over or do things with me but i realised. it was just her nature and she was very busy. and ive always been a sensitive person but always realise the world dont revolve around me. guess its one thing she taught me. shes very old now like late 70's and im in my early 60's. once in a while she calls or i call her. 
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
5 Nov 10
It's not that she's flighty or busy.. she just doesn't care. She's absorbed in her own little world and doesn't care about the people around her if they don't have something to offer her.
@TheCatLady (4691)
• Israel
6 Nov 10
I would tell her that the weekend is inconvenient. Suggest going as a group on another weekend. It's not like college ball tickets are hard to get. If she agrees and bales out, you can still go with your family. If she shows, she can play the fun aunt and you also will be fun mom for a day.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Nov 10
Would be a good idea if I could afford tickets for my 5 kids and felt like dealing with rowdy 2 and 4 year olds at something they'd find boring as heck!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
9 Nov 10
Well, based on what you've said about her behavior in the past, there is the chance that you could tell your son about this and her bail out at the last minute. Therefore, I would think that if you do decide to let him go, I wouldn't tell him anything about it until the day of the game when she is there to pick him up so there is no way that he will be disappointed in what has happened to him on that day.
@saqi78 (1402)
• Malaysia
6 Nov 10
I think if there is no danger, then let you son go with her, it ll be a big fun for him to be with his aunt, I dont know what is her behavior with your children when she is close to them, but let them go and enjoy, for me it does not matter, if any of my relative come to me after years but at least s/he come and remember me, so it is not her fault, there may be some problem with her regarding her job or any thing else but I think she still love her niece and nephews, so let them go and dont think any other thing except their aunt love for them...:)
Have a happy weekend and Happy Birth Day to your Son...:)
@goleafsgo (6)
• Canada
6 Nov 10
Honestly I would let him go. If i were in your position i wouldn't want my feelings for SIL prevent your kid from having fun. I would also suggest maybe having a discussion with him about the fact that his aunt is not around often and telling him to make the most of his time with her. Please take this with a grain of salt as i am a 14 year old boy :p so i'm not very experienced on these matters.
@hanni711 (243)
• Philippines
6 Nov 10
Maybe you're confused about your sister inlaw. If you are doubtful to let your son go with her it would be better not to allow him to go at all. You have to decide between your son and sister inlaw's invitation. If I were you, I will not just allow my son to go because I will not be at peace thinking about the attitude of my sister inlaw.
