Need help and advise :(

@nicregi (1934)
Malaysia
December 14, 2010 11:35am CST
Okay this is my story. Pardon me for the wall of text but I am not sure what to do now. I am with this girl since 2009 and deep inside, we both knew something was not right. For me, I still somehow still have feelings with my ex and I know I need her (my current girl) more as a person and accompany instead of lovers. For her, she needs me more for herself than love. I do help her now and then financially and even studies. She still have feeling for another guy but unsure which is the way out. Even though we are together and she finally broke the ice few days back (by saying out), we are still together but definitely can feel a gap between us now. I am not mad at her because of that as I know this is all about love. What should I do? I had told her it is totally up to her but regardless and no matter how, I will still support her until she is stable. I mean it :) However, I am not sure what should I do. Should I continue with her or find a soft way to be her best friend instead of lover? Much help needed :(
4 people like this
17 responses
• Philippines
14 Dec 10
Greetings I think you should slowly become a best friend instead. As you have stated, you don't need her as a lover. I honestly think you should find your own lover and the same time support if this friend of yours as you wish. Practically right now, I think you should have a time frame until when you will help her. I mean concrete time. I hate to admit this to you but, you sound like a person confused whether you are a lover or a best friend. Time will come when you will have to make that decision whether to wed her or drop her. I seriously want you to look at yourself 5 years from now and ask yourself if you think you will be happy that way.
1 person likes this
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
14 Dec 10
Hey! Thank you for replying. What you said just struck me so hard. Yes indeed you could read my mind. I did asked my self before if I could live without her and yes, I could. This might hurt her but, I really think so is best for both us. We both need each other as accompany and support instead of lovers. I really appreciate you replying :)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Dec 10
No problem, mate. For the record, I am not reading your mind. I am just analyzing the way you stated your problem. Go and find yourself someone that would make you happy and let's hope for the best. Your friend may get hurt for now but, later on she would be very grateful to you for "letting her go".
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Dec 10
This is a tough position to be in, the best thing you can do in my opinion is sit down with her and talk to her. If shes already made it clear that she feels the same way as you then prolonging this can do more harm then good. Its very noble of you to agree to help her till she is stable and it shows your true character for doing so. The two of you should sit down and talk things out and find a good middle ground, you need to do what is going to in the end make you both happy and if being with each other isnt whats going to make you happy then you both need to pursue what will make you happy. Not doing so in the long run will just hurt you both. Don't be afraid to go after whom or what will truly make you happy. Let this girl down easy, stay in her life as a friend and do what you can to help her but keep your distance as well. As someone else has said it sounds like your confused as to what you really want, thats something no one here can answer for you only you can tell yourself what you really want or need in a relationship. Once you figure that out go for it put your heart into it and do whats going to in turn make you the happiest now and in the future.
1 person likes this
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
14 Dec 10
Hi there. Thank you for your advise. Yes, in fact I am sitting in office trying to figure out how and when to sit down with her. I believe that we are better to be friends now and yes, I am indeed confused .
1 person likes this
@vicozzio (45)
• Indonesia
14 Dec 10
Hmmm.. Hi nicregi.. haven't you already made up your mind on what you wrote? "I will support her until she is stable. I mean it :)" Well, in my point of view, it's the sacrifice you made for other as a human being (if you don't want to said it as love).. even if you don't love her and you care so much with her future, I can only say.. do your best to help her without expecting return.. by doing that, without you know it, you already act as her brother instead of her lover.. ^_^
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
14 Dec 10
Hi there! First of all, thank you for replying. I am actually wondering if my choice to treat her a best friend instead of lovers is a good choice as I dont really know if I love her. Yes I care for her but guess maybe the spark gone somewhere in space. Well, thank you!
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 10
Sounds like you are in quite a fix! But you said at the first that you both knew it wasn't meant for love, so I don't understand what the trouble is. She has finally voiced it out and you sound a little upset when she just spoke out the truth. I'd say both of you need to get out and go on with your lives.
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
Hi nicregi! Hmmm, that is quite a problem, I am not really expert with relationships per se, and I am not sure if my advise is correct. For me, just stay open-minded, and let time be the judge of your relationship. Somehow with all the things that happened from the start of your relationship until the end, you can only appreciate those times and be thankful for the companionship. I hope these helps, cheers!
1 person likes this
• Egypt
15 Dec 10
Try to keep yourselves away from each other for a while and your heart will till you. good luck
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 Dec 10
I think honesty is best for both of you. You sound like you care a great deal about her but are not in love with her and it sounds the same for her. Just be honest with her. She is very lucky to have a friend like you.
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
If you have doubts of whether to continue you relationship with her or not is a sign that your relationship with your present gf is going nowhere. And even if you try to work it out, nothing good will come out of it. I don't think the love is still there for both. I think what you are feeling is not love but the habit of getting used to be with that person for long. And deep inside you want to get out from there but something is holding you back because of that "old habit" that confuses you in your current state. Maybe it's time for you to end you lover relationship though you can both agree to remain friends. Good luck!
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
14 Dec 10
You are a good friend. keep your friendship healthy. Best wishes.
1 person likes this
@cmang83 (285)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 10
Hi bro, my opinion is best friend better than couple. Its true. You need to understand both of you dont have the key of love-feeling. If you force yourself together, i dont think there will be a happy ending. Why not just be friend and i believe the feeling will be better and can last longer. Anyway, this is only my opinion.
• Portugal
14 Dec 10
i think that doesnt make sense that you be lovers if you love other girl and if she loves other boy. is sweet of her that she was honest with you and is sweet of you that you want to help her even if you are not lovers. i think that just people who are in love should be lovers and you and her are more like best friends. so you should be best friends only. thats what you should do^^ listen to me bcs i wouldnt want to be with a guy that cant love me completely bcs isnt my true love. so be her best friend only and wait for your true love^^ dont be with her only for company^^ you are young just wait for the right girl^^ and she for the right boy^^ thats the best really
1 person likes this
@Sanitary (3968)
• Singapore
20 Dec 10
When there's no love between the 2 of u, it should not be considered a relationship at all. It's not good for either party and it's definitely not healthy. It seems both of u are using each other for companionships. What happens if your ex were to come back one day, how are u going to explain the kind of your current relationship? THere's no soft way of breaking up. It's either a amicable talk, voicing out feelings or be hard hearted and walk away.
@syoti20 (5293)
• Philippines
14 Dec 10
You and your current gf still has a feeling for you ex's. I guess both of you should decide to let the current feeling or the past. From lover going to best friend is not a good idea. There will always be at time for the both of you will always think like, if we are still together, if we there will be always an " if ". So its better to decide now
1 person likes this
@Lance26 (956)
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
In my opinion you had already tried being partners considering the fact you both have issues on your past relationships but it didn't seem to worked out. My advise is if you feel and believe that the relationship cannot go any further because certainly mutual Love isn't present, it is better for you to go on separate ways.
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
This may be late for you but I guess some girls would want the guy to break it first because it ain't easy for most women to let go of something they are not willing to.
@angeline1 (144)
15 Dec 10
I adviced you move with your life.If you are really want to be with your ex girlfriend, you should start being friends with her.But if she loves another guy, I advised you to find another girlfriend that will love and support you all the way.There are many single girls out there.Don't stick one girlfriend.
@sy0712 (155)
• China
15 Dec 10
wMany times feeling is not two people like,you now encountered this kind of circumstance ,whatever you do choose shall all understand in three people stand consideration question,triangle is very complex,harm any party is not what you want to see the result,but causes no damage is impossible,I think ,long pain rather short pain,you want to know,which person you love,hurry up and another clear,not sloppily ,this should be the best solution.