I Hope The Lord Strikes Me Dead Very Soon=^..^=

United States
December 24, 2010 11:01am CST
Right now I am very angry and need to vent big time!!!!!! I was born into a very abusive family. My dad sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me. My mom physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. My sisters mentally and emotionally abused me. I never received love from anyone in my family. Here I am at the age of 52 still never having experienced what love is. At this age I doubt if I ever will experience it. I'm a born again Christian and by that I mean that I have accepted Jesus Christ as mhy Lord and Savior. Now, I've become very discouraged in my life because I have never experienced love. I don't even have many very good friendships in my life. I'm the kind of person that has invited people over countless times for ice cream and to watch a movie. That has never been reciprocated. I've invited people over many times for meals when I know they were having a rough time of it that particular month and that has never been reciprocated. I've given these same people bags of food from my own pantry and refrigerator and that has never been reciprocated. I've invited friends out to eat. That has never been reciprocated. I've bought food for friends. That has never been reciprocated. If anyone dare to comment back and say that I must not be much of a Christian if I expect my actions to be reciprocated because I should give without expecting back then I see two things happening hear. 1). You're not allowing me to be a human being with human emotions and human faults. Just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean that I'm not going to get angry and hurt by others' actions in my life. 2). The very fact that you feel propelled to 'PREACH' to me says that you aren't really listening to me and you are basically being very self rightious and that you have a holier than thou attitude about yourself. 3). Through your preaching to me you basically expect the celestial hand of God to give you a pat on the back for being such a 'good' Christian. In all three of theses cases I feel very sorry for you because you're not being 'REAL'! I like real people and so does God. I've prayed many times in my life for God to allow me to love and to experience love from another person. As yet, that has not happened and at this late date in time I don't expect that it ever will happen for me. What I need to hear from fellow myLot members is something that I can relate to. By doing this it helps me to feel as if I'm a member of the human race because right now I have my doubts. If you comment solely to 'PREACH' to me I will just write you off as an idiot who only wants the celestial hand of God to pat you on your self righteous back and give you some kind of an award. It's been my personal experience that most laypeople who 'PREACH' do so out of their own inadequacies and instead of admitting as such they cover them up by 'PREACHING'. I need real people in my life right now. Not holier than thou, self righteous people who thinks that God is up there giving them a thumbs up for all the mindless preaching that spews out of your mouth. I know that I sound very harsh right now, but, it's because I'm very hurt and angry at the moment. If you can, please give me your own experiences regarding love and how you've dealt with it minus the preaching please. Thanks. Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
3 people like this
8 responses
@Masihi (4429)
• Canada
25 Dec 10
It really is a constant struggle, isn't it. I can definitely relate, coming from 2 foster homes and being disowned by my biological family, my life was rather complicated and well...stupid, I guess. People can usually spot a "different" perosn a mile away. Its sad how society treats us different people, Christian or non-Christian. I personally am disabled, and I also have depression and anxiety disorder, so ya, it's extrememely hard to "fit in" In fact, I can make more friends online than I can make friends in real life. That's because people judge each other by our words online, like our inner thoughts, while people in real life judge by appearances. For years I tried extremely hard to make friends, to fit in, and finally I simply gave up. I stopped trying. I spent days in bed. I prayed to G-d for help, but it seemed like the situation didn't change much. I worked hard on improving myself, like becooming self-aware of what my inner self really is. I thought initially it'll be better than going to a psychiatrist, since I was satified with the medicine my doctor gave me. (paxil) Only *I* knew what I really was, what my demons really were. It was a long, hard, yet adventurous journey. On the computer, I learned so much about social life. I spent four years in chat rooms, became moderators in 2 major ones, but left, but I did learn a lot about myself. Then I went into marketing online, and here in MyLot. It's helped me a lot being able to ask questions that we won't normally be able to ask in real life, and I'm pretty sure it'll help you a lot as well. Now I'm much more calmer, and I am starting to make some friendships with some of Hubby's friends, guys and women. I won't keep you, but I'll add you as a friend, I can definitely 100% understand where you're coming from, for sure. I believe that G-d wants real people as well, and I love it when people aren't afraid to be real either. It just shows that they're honest, and honesty's an excellent quality. Have a Safe and Peaceful Holiday Season, sis
• United States
25 Dec 10
Hi Masihi! Thank you for your response and words of encouragment! I'm sorry that your childhood wasn't great either. I've come to realize that nowadays it's rare for someone to come from a 'functional' family, you know? It's so sad, but, it seems to be the way the world turns nowadays. It's just so natural for me to want to give. It's just a matter of being smart about it and be more discriminating in the future. Have a great Christmas, sweetie! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@ElicBxn (61041)
• United States
25 Dec 10
I came from an "Ozzie and Harriet" home. My parents never fought - well, dad yelled at mom about Bridge until mom quit playing it. I should've been a happy, normal person, but I wasn't. I, too, was different. It wasn't until I discovered Science Fiction fandom that I finally found a "home" where I fit in. Believe it or not, while my mother loved me and my sister and I get along, I was still considered the "strange" one in my family. That's okay. So long as I have the family I chose, my friends, I'm happy. And a lot of those friends are online these days, and I'm STILL happy.
@lingli_78 (12841)
• Australia
25 Dec 10
i am so sorry to hear about your childhood... i never experience what you experienced before... so i don't really know how you feel... but i can only say one thing and i hope that you won't consider it as preaching... even though you never experience love from other human beings, but God loves you and you are precious in His eyes as you are created in His image... that's what matters the most... so please don't be discouraged and stand tall... hope you will feel better soon... have a merry christmas and a happy new year... take care and have a nice day...
• United States
31 Dec 10
Thank you, lingli_78. Many times the only thing that gets me through everyday is that God does love me and has me in His arms everyday. That is such a comforting thought for me. Have a wonderful New Year, sweetie! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@JenInTN (27547)
• United States
25 Dec 10
Ok..here goes..I think that you have experienced things that few people can really understand and when they do try..they do seem like idiots. You present a being that is experienced in a way that some people will never know and that is not an easy existence. Now..I give you my humble opinion. I think that people are somewhat intimidated by your strength. You have made it past things they can not even fathom. It may not seem so to you but can you imagine trying to communicate with someone that has been through..well..we'll call it "so much more" There are some that will want to learn but there are some that just can't see past a certain place. Key being is to use your knowledge for those that can benefit. As far as the "preachers" go...well I can relate to that too...walk a mile is all I ask..lol..keep that head up..you've come too far to lower it now.
• United States
31 Dec 10
Awww, Jen, thank you so much for your words of encouragment! I really needed that. I know that in a way I am very strong for what I have been through, yet, at the sametime, I can cry at the drop of a hat, especially if I'm without my medication. For the most part I do acknowledge that I am stronger for what I've been through and ultimately I do want to help others in my situation. I know that I have a lot of useful knowledge to pass on to others who are lost and confused and need guidance. Have a great New Year, sweetie! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@dibs2010 (132)
• India
25 Dec 10
Love is a part of game. lord make some one for every one. so do not blame him/her, what ever written that will surely happen.
• United States
25 Dec 10
Hey, dibs2010! Thanks for the words of encouragment! It's too bad that love has to be thought of as a game, though. That's life I guess! Have a great Christmas! Purr, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@chillpill90 (1937)
24 Dec 10
I had a bad childhood too not as bad as yours but I was bullied at school,mentally and emotionally abused by my dad and sister who always ran me down. Then me and my mum left and moved away. When this happened i felt like i was worthless and from what you have said i expect you felt the same. It takes alot of time to come to terms with what has happened and to try to move on and it seems you have tried to be nice and realise that not all people are the same which is good. It took me along time to realise that i could trust people again. I think that those people who have not reciprocated what you have done then it shows that they are not the type of people who you can console in. I found that i used to get angry with my past and lash out then i got into sports and took my energy out there realising that ther was nothing i could do. The first thing i can tell you which helped me is that you are not worthless and that i know it seems like it now but you can still find someone who loves you and will care for you.
• United States
25 Dec 10
Yea, I was horribly bullied all through school, too. I got it at every turn and that made it even more terrible. Thanks so much for your words of support and encouragment. I guess around the holidays I start feeling sorry for myself, you know? Today I feel a little better, and because of yesterday I'm really drained of energy, so, I'm just relaxing with my cat. I think I'm going to not try so hard at giving and expecting so much in return. I do love giving, though. It's just natural for me. Have a great Christmas, chillpill! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@dragon54u (31647)
• United States
24 Dec 10
I know, I know. I had and sometimes still have the same problems although my childhood was not as destructive as yours. I had a loving mother but a mentally ill father that I have since become closer to. My childhood was miserable outside my home and family but I won't go into details. My problem, and perhaps yours, is that I attract the wrong people because of the scars left on me by childhood and the insecurities I have. I have loved but I picked the wrong men and I seem incapable of choosing the right one--they never love me back. I have accepted the fact of that and I will live out the rest of my life without a man to love. Kind of sad sometimes but it's better than self-destruction. Does this sound familiar? It partially comes from within and your choices and partially because the wrong kind of person is attracted to you. I've confined my sharing to charities rather than people in order to avoid those situations. I extend kindness whenever I can to strangers. I insulate myself to protect myself from my own self-destructive tendencies and that's all I can do. Cheer up. God loves you and once you accept your limitations and compensate for them your life will get better. There are some things we can't fix and have to merely adjust to. I know this must not be very helpful but I want you to know that you aren't alone.
• United States
25 Dec 10
Oh, dragon! Thanks for your response. It was just perfect. Thanks for caring. After I typed all that yesterday I was starting to feel guilty because I know it was just me feeling sorry for myself. Thank you for helping me realize that I'm not alone, sweetie! I do feel a tad better today. Tomorrow my housekeeper is inviting me over her house for Christmas. I bought presents for her grandkids and nieces and nephews. It will be a good day because her whole family is great. I hope you have a great Christmas! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
• United States
31 Dec 10
We are not alone.. There are so many of us who has suffered the abuse of our parents. My mother was the abusive person in our life. I will just say any abuse you can think of she worked on us. I even had my fingers burned with a match a few times, by my mother, because something wasn't done to her perfection. I know the hurt inside, the pain in the heart, the scars that leave us wondering if we are good enough to be loved. I was constantly told I would never be worth having around. Been choked until I passed out, while my mother told me over and over, "I hate you"... Yes I understand. I am 54 in the same situation as you. I have been married 3 times, and I chose the wrong men, they felt they had to go find others to add to their own desires. Even had one make me feel as though I wasn't worth more than the sidewalk they walked on. I had other relationships of abuse... I am not looking for someone to share my life with anymore as a partner. I have made enough bad choices. Through my life I also have helped many people through all walks of life, on and offline. Some still talk to me now and then, but most have moved on with their own life. The way I look at this is I was able to help them in a time of need when they needed someone there to help. I feel that was God's way of putting me in a place where I could help. I will never regret helping any of them. I felt hurt at times because there wasn't anything in return. Now it doesn't matter, I know what I did to help was what was needed at the time. The one thing I do hope for is that in their life they pass it forward to someone who walks in their life needs help they will. I am now in the worst position in my life. I do not have an income/job. I lost almost all I had in the last relationship. I have been blessed with that I have a roof over my head that someone is helping me....my daughter. At first she didn't truly want to do this, I know it. It is ok. Now though it seems she is glad in ways that I am here. That we have time to share that we would not of had before. My daughter and her fiance' are having very hard times and I feel as a burden to them at times, yet there are things I find I am helpful with that helps me get through those days I feel that way. My daughter has come right out and said, "Mom, you deserve it." "You help us in ways no one would have". I cry when I hear those words because I know what they are going through and wish/hope/pray that I could do more. I have physical problems from the abuse as well. I just deal, I don't bother anyone with them. Thing is though I can't just go and get just any job because of them.. Family feel I am lazy no good person.. I know the abuse we went through as children affected us throughout our life. We perceive the world differently. Our hearts have been hardened in places that others are able to feel. Yet, our hearts are the deepest well of hope, love and sharing for others. The pain we went through we know, we don't want others to have to go through the same, yet they do. As we can see here... we are not alone.. Many are abused severely without no one knowing, some won't believe, some knows exactly what we feel. Because they have been through it too. Today is a day to feel blessed because we all are able to share and feel as well as know we are not alone.. Thank you for being you...
@Metatronik (5938)
• Pasay, Philippines
25 Dec 10
I totally felt the same way but not that harsh as yours. I am actually having my bad childhood with my father who is an avid fan of making me embarrassed in front of other people especially when it comes to sensitive and privacy matters. He really loves to put me down. That is the reason that I can't have my respect for him as a father and a man. I totally think that he is not the father I deserve. I also have my brother who lacks of manliness as well by nagging me and shout too much in high blood manner. I am glad that God gave me a chance to see the real and true gentleman who I believe is the right person for me. That is the reason I believe that not all men should be hated aside from the friends that I have.