You say that like it's a bad thing...
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
January 19, 2011 6:03pm CST
So this morning R decided that he was going to do something different to help Dearra get over her fear of going to school. Basically, he decided he was going to take her there and "push" her to go to class.
Honestly, I wasn't sure how I felt about this, so I called her counselor, and I also talked to a couple of online friends.
The counselor was actually ok with this as long as it was done in a firm, but supportive manner, since what we were doing wasn't working.
When I mentioned this to him he was quite upset that I didn't just trust what he said, and that I had to run it by other people.
Apparently, having a support system, and getting opinions from people who have experience with anxiety is a bad thing.
He was so upset over it that he didn't even hear that the counselor had agreed with him, or that I was willing to try it.
Funny thing, human communication. But at least it all seems to have worked out with her. We'll do the firm approach tomorrow too and hope it gets her back on track.
Presenting a united front to her when we are anything but...
8 people like this
23 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
She came home from school quite cheerful, so yeah,here's hoping!
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jan 11
He must think that you Still listen to him as he is Moses and you are a confused , newly freed Jew! And when he heard that you asked experts behind his back , that bubble burst! I bet he Still thinks you are not going through with the divorce. Poor R! will he Ever learn? As for Ms. D. I hope it works. Keep us posted.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jan 11
I get the feeling you will be moving out , I mean literally moving thing out of the house and he would Still be trying to save the marriage. he still doesn't get it! Hang in there.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
It did work out, and she made to school today too. But boy talk about Pavlov, when he gets conditioned to think a certain way, it takes a sledgehammer to get something through his head.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
20 Jan 11
R is very upset at this time and he felt you didn't trust him enough to have thought through the whole situation. You didn't trust him. I am not being judgemental I am just asking why you were surprised at his reaction. Communication is a very senseitive issue between you both at this time. Glad the treatment worked with Dearra.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
He didn't trust me either, or he would have discussed it with me first. But I'm just glad that it worked out for her. She went to school today too. Turns out he was right and she just needed a nudge.
Why was I surprised at his reaction? I shouldn't have been. It's not the first time that he's been offended that I ran something by somebody else. But the fact is, I don't trust him on some things, and when something doesn't sit right with me, I run it by somebody. In this case, he was right about what to do with Dearra, but wrong about how he approached it.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
Just splaining and answering... But you were pretty right on.
@hofferp (4734)
• United States
20 Jan 11
I'm a little late to this discussion, so I'll just ask... Is Dearra doing better today? How's Tiger? Are you going to have to go in to work today?
R's reaction seems to me to be a guy thing. When a guy comes up with the "solution", you don't question it. But, I always seem to have something to say...even when it might work...dang, it did work! And with R's and your relationship, I can bet R was upset. How did he take the reminder..."Hey, how about them there divorce papers?"
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
She is lots better, she made it to school again today. Tiger's eating, but sores in his mouth hurt when he eats. And it's h*ll medicating him.
Yeah too bad, I'm going to question anything that doesn't sit right with me. In this case, turned out that he was right, and I'm glad, but I don't see anything wrong with having done a little verification, especially considering how he tried to ram this down my throat instead of discussing it first.
He didn't reply to the reminder at all yet, other than to apologize (again) for everything he's done to mess things up...
@koikei (206)
• Philippines
20 Jan 11
greetings! probably he was hurt that you showed a complete lack of trust. people are naturally proud and most of the time we want to be appreciated and trusted. but if the approach they suggested was working, then i guess he should've realized that there are other ways to approach an issue.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
Well we are getting divorced, so there are obviously trust issues. I'm just glad that it worked out for my daughter. She made it to school today too, so I'm really happy about that.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Jan 11
Yep, and a lack of trust is one good reason.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
21 Jan 11
He needs to realise that help is needed on that and that you need to run it past the Counselor, as it could have gone the other way and scared her even more
I wish he would sense in this sort of thing it is best to ask the professional as it can go both ways
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
21 Jan 11
As an outsider looking in, I can see both sides. I can understand that he would feel somewhat betrayed that you didn't just trust his judgement and allow him to try his tactic without a second opinion. I can also understand you wanting to be sure this wouldn't traumatize her further, so getting a professional opinion on the idea.
So.. how did it work out with her anyways? Did she get to school that day? Are her anxieties getting any better?
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Jan 11
sounds a bit strange that the thing hardest for her is facing school. is it possible someone there is not treating her well and she dont know how to tell anyone? 
is this a really good counselor she has? i mean who appointed them? its so sad your little girl. has her stomach trouble cleared up?
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
I found the counselor with the help of a marriage counselor. And this counselor did help her a lot last year. This just cropped up again unexpectedly, and she can't really put a finger on a specific thing that's bothering her. Last year she could.
The stomach is better, and she's back to school.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
22 Jan 11
It is good that you are on the same page in regards to Dearra; that is very important. I read that she came home from school cheerful so your approach may well be working. How did she do the next day? I guess we need to be firm with our kids as long as they know that they have our support at all times. Here’s hoping Dearra is feeling better about going to school…The poor thing…
1 person likes this
@much2say (53945)
• Los Angeles, California
20 Jan 11
In reading the above, it sounded like things did work out - to just give her a push. She must be a ball of emotions . . . but a good push is exactly what she needed to help roll it out. Also sounds like R's ego got a little bent too. Not to take his side or anything, but I think can relate. But I don't think I would get that upset over it though . . . afterall, he should know you only want to do what's best for your daughter too. It's hard when there are issues going on with our children and for the parents it's frustrating when we can't completely figure it out - a support system can only be good, especially if there are those who have experience with the issues. Here's hoping it all works out for Dearra! Hope you are doing well otherwise too . . .
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
Oh I guess I can understand why he would feel a bit sensitive about me checking up on his approach. I would feel the same way. But what he was proposing was the opposite of what the counselor had suggested, and it just didn't sit right with me not to run it by her. At any rate she did go to school, and she went today too, so it's a lot better with her. Hooray!
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
Normally they get on really well. For this problem though, he's been all "well when I went to school, there was no question, we had to go. I'd just barf in a trash can and then go to class." So she's felt like he doesn't understand her at all. But yeah, I think she was happy that he actually left work to come and help deal with the situation.
@much2say (53945)
• Los Angeles, California
20 Jan 11
I was just thinking . . . and maybe I'm wrong . . . but maybe Dearra need a bit of fatherly attention too? I don't know how R is with her, but perhaps she got a boost of confidence knowing that dad really does care, know what I mean? It's great that she has that counselor to be there for her . . . and I'm sure she knows you are there for her . . . but maybe it was good that dad showed involvement here. Maybe the marriage part isn't working out, but she might be feeling better that at least she has the support of both parents regardless.
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
20 Jan 11
mmm, maybe he should start opening his ears when you talk to him.
For him to behave like a 5 year old at this moment won't help much.
Maybe you should have taken her to school as you understand this better than he ever will.
Luck.
TATA.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
We both went and I walked her in. She was OK.
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Jan 11
Sounds like R has some ego issues? Maybe next time, you could try not telling him that you asked around. He felt like you didn't trust him, or that you don't believe him, or his not getting free reign. It's like he had this great idea but you wouldn't support it unless it was confirmed by others first, which to him is like saying, you don't trust the idea because it came from him.
I know you don't mean that, but guys minds work in some weird fashion. Haha.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
There are definitely trust issues. We are getting a divorce. :D But also, she's in counseling, and what he was proposing was contrary to what the counselor had advised, so I didn't feel comfortable doing that without talking to the counselor first. If his little ego was bruised because of it, too bad.
1 person likes this
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Unfortunately most men are stubborn and don't like to take advice or direction from no one, i guess it's a man thing as well as their ego. And if you try to help or guide the feel like they are being betrayed or as if you have lack of trust or confidence in them. Is like their mind closes up and they don't hear anything else but what they want to hear and in their mind whatever they do needs to be supervised or it's wrong. My hubby is kind off the same way as well as my dad. Most of the time I just leave it alone and don't even bother with it.
Even though he he refused to hear what you had to say, he felt he needed to do something to try and encourage her to go back. Like said in our previous discussion, men don't like to feel useless they want to be able to feel like they are needed. But I am very glad it worked out for the best. And I hope she continues to go to school, with the help of both you I am pretty sure she will make it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
I think she's over the hump. He and I, that's another story entirely...
@TheGreatWhiteBuffalo (4822)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Did he finally come around?
Did you have to bend over backwards to make his boo-boo feel better?
Did he ever realize that he wasn't hurt at all?
I wish your whole family all the healing power that is available, you keep doing the right thing, I hope they both come around to love and understand the wisdom of uhmmm? The power of being connected?
HEeheeheee ;)
Sometimes the bigger ones need a firm push just like the little ones... :)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
We did take her to school, and it turned out that a push was just what she needed. But we did it a lot more gently than he would have, and I gave him hell afterward for not having a discussion with me first. Not that I believe that will change anything...
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
20 Jan 11
I was like Dearra when I was in my early teens. I hated school, the people there and was terrified of the subjects that I couldn't grasp. However, I was at a boarding school and not attending was not an option. Although I did feign sickness at times, at best it got me off the occasional class. In fact I did get genuinely sick and had to spend a week alone in the school sanitarium with just the perverted old matron for company. "I'd like you to drop your trousers and pants for me and take this aspirin for your headache!!!!". School was an infinitely better option. Why doesn't Dearra want to go? Assuming that there is no overt reason - bullying, not done homework etc, then I think that R's approach is sound. Personally I would have done what you did and called the counsellor too. That's not undermining R, just using a professional sensibly.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
She was never able to put a finger on the issue this time. Last year she could say, "this boy called me a cheater", or "I have an oral presenation", etc. This year she couldn't do that, she was just afraid to go. At any rate we more or less compromised. We both took her to school, but I walked her in. She seems fine, and she did say afterward that she needed the push. My only issue with R is that he didn't discuss it with me first. At any rate, she's at school today too, so all's well that ends well.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
20 Jan 11
Funny how pride sometimes clouds your judgement. Or at least your vision.
But I've been guilty of that!
I've been in conflict with a few people at work. And sometimes when my ego is hurt by someone I don't have a high opinion of, I couldn't get past it. Even though they already agreed to whatever I am saying.
Hope your united front does the trick!
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jan 11
It worked for Dearra anyway. But I'm not happy that he didn't discuss this with me first (and he had every reason in the world why that was my fault) and he's not happy that I felt I had to run his solution by other people.
@fannitia (2167)
• Bulgaria
20 Jan 11
Hi, Dawn! I'm glad that you had a success. I don't know what is the origin of Dearra's problems, maybe it's important to try to eliminate it. But in any case I'd suggest you to consult the counselor first if you feel that he does a good job. The experience with my daughter have showed me that children often thrust or obey to other people and not to their parents. Fingers crossed it all continues the good way!
