Is expecting a phone call unreasonable?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
January 29, 2011 1:01pm CST
My daughter is 20. She lives at home and attends university. She's a good girl, works hard and, for most things, gives me little grief. She doesn't socialize on weeknights because of her studies but she goes out Friday night, all of Saturday and most of Sunday. When she's out, she gets home at 2:30AM and, on Sunday nights, she's in by no later than 8PM to prepare for school the next morning. She knows that I am awake until she gets home because she always comes to see me, chat a bit and say goodnight. But! When she is late, she never calls to let me know. Last night/early morning, she didn't arrive at her usual time. I started calling her cell at 2:45AM to see if something was wrong. She never answers her cell when I call - another huge point of contention with us. As it turns out, being winter and very cold here, the car in which she was a passenger didn't start and they were late getting home. She can't seem to understand that I expect her to call and let me know when things like that happen. When I called her cell, she knew it was me - she told me "I didn't answer because I was 5 minutes from home." That's not acceptable to me. I asked her why it's ok to simply let me worry - she didn't have an answer. This morning, I told her that I'm tired of arguing about this. My expectation is that she'll be in at 2:30AM and, if she will be late or has a change of plans, I want a call and an approximate time to expect her. I don't consider this "babying" her. I would do the same if I were out and had car trouble or got delayed - I would call the house to let them know I'm ok and what was happening. Of course, she rolls her eyes at me and I get the sighs. I think it's respectful, as a member of the household, to keep people informed. She clearly thinks I'm being too "Mom." What do you think? Suggestions?
2 people like this
8 responses
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
30 Jan 11
Oh no..I don't think you are out of line at all. I think you are being very fair. As long as she lives there, you have the right to set any rule you want. I mean..you are going to be worried if she's not there on time and doesn't call. I think it's respectful that she does. I would be very bothered by it. My son had a 10 curfew when he lived with me unless hos job held him over. It was the time I wanted to be in bed and him coming in at all hours of the night was not going to fly..lol..I couldn't have been in bed if I was up worrying about him.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Jan 11
Thanks for the support, JenInTn! I think my "curfew tolerance" would be a lot earlier if I didn't work some really weird hours myself LOL! Otherwise, I'd want to be in bed well before 2:30AM too! I look at it this way... she is in university and will be for quite a few years yet. She is in the age bracket where many of her friends live on campus, have their own apartments or several are already married and have babies 
I "get" that she's not a little girl and I do trust her. She has a ton of freedom, living here, and I pay for her education. I think it's a pretty sweet deal
But, in return, I do expect consideration and respect. Then, when I don't get that, I come away questioning whether or not I'm being unreasonable (hence this discussion)... I know in my gut I'm imposing the right requirements but sometimes parents really benefit by a bit of bolstering from other parents who are doing or have done the same things. One of the things I really love about myLot too! 
I "get" that she's not a little girl and I do trust her. She has a ton of freedom, living here, and I pay for her education. I think it's a pretty sweet deal But, in return, I do expect consideration and respect. Then, when I don't get that, I come away questioning whether or not I'm being unreasonable (hence this discussion)... I know in my gut I'm imposing the right requirements but sometimes parents really benefit by a bit of bolstering from other parents who are doing or have done the same things. One of the things I really love about myLot too! @thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Jan 11
Well, let's see... if I gave up my office and turned that into another bedroom... LOL! 
I hear what you're saying, though... and I do think she is fortunate that she can go to school and concentrate on her studies without the added pressure of working to pay bills (I will do it for as long as I can for her and her sister, who is graduating high school this year). She really does work hard... doing a double major in Psychology and Anthropology and hoping to get into an Honors program. She's been interviewing since the first of the year, trying to get herself set up with a full-time job for the summer. She worked in a ladies clothing store last year and she saved almost every cent she earned so that she has money throughout the school year - never asks me for spending money, pays her cell phone in full and on time, stuff like that. I've come to the realization that most of the "control struggle" I have with her is due to the guy she dates (I've written a lot about him in some of the other comments). If it weren't for the dynamic with him, I don't think we'd have as many arguments as we do.
I hear what you're saying, though... and I do think she is fortunate that she can go to school and concentrate on her studies without the added pressure of working to pay bills (I will do it for as long as I can for her and her sister, who is graduating high school this year). She really does work hard... doing a double major in Psychology and Anthropology and hoping to get into an Honors program. She's been interviewing since the first of the year, trying to get herself set up with a full-time job for the summer. She worked in a ladies clothing store last year and she saved almost every cent she earned so that she has money throughout the school year - never asks me for spending money, pays her cell phone in full and on time, stuff like that. I've come to the realization that most of the "control struggle" I have with her is due to the guy she dates (I've written a lot about him in some of the other comments). If it weren't for the dynamic with him, I don't think we'd have as many arguments as we do.@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
31 Jan 11
I would have loved to have had a chance like that..being able to be prepared for the future, having a stable place to live, plus not having to worry about my finances while going to college. She has no idea right now how lucky she is to have such a wonderful mother. And to think that all you ask for is a phone call. Lemme ask you..are you looking to adopt because I know this girl named Jen..she's a little older but..
Really though..myLot is a great place to get some support. You get it very quick if you are in the wrong or in the right.
Really though..myLot is a great place to get some support. You get it very quick if you are in the wrong or in the right.1 person likes this
@ptower76 (1616)
• United States
29 Jan 11
One of the things we look back on as we grow older especially when mom is no longer with us is the degree of mothering that seemed outrageous to us at the time but understand in foresight. You can bet that your daughter will probably do the same with her children. Those positive things we learn from mom tend to be shared down through the generations. It is not unreasonable to expect a call if she is running late because she is causing you undue stress and worry. Sometimes our children at that age still think we are trying to control them and don't think of the very real dangers of being out at those hours (Remember they are just getting over that egocentric enviroment we put them in in the first place). I believe that you should discuss with her that you trust her and her decisions and that your concern is about the outside dangers. You know, explain to her how devestated you would be if anything were to happen to her. Visualize some of the thoughts you have when she doesn't let you know. Like God forbid and accident or an assault. Then put your foot down and let her know that you expect her to do it in the future. Of course when she does it, thank her with a hug and maybe a nice cup of her favorite ice cream when she does get home. lol. My daughter is not much older than yours (24). She has her own life and family now and She still checks in from time to time. When she was in her tweens, she came to terms with this when she realized that it was not us trying to control her and just us worrying because of the dangers out there.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Jan 11
Thank you so much... there is no better compliment from one parent to another :) "los años peligroso" - I will remember that. She told me one time that I "raised her right" and that, now, I have to let her use what I've taught her. She says "If I make mistakes, Mom, they are mine to make" and I know that's the truth. We can't protect them forever. The situation with "persona non grata" really tore my home to shreds for two full years and caused me some serious health problems. I fought SO hard for what I believed in my heart was right (and so did other family members like her aunt and uncle) but, ultimately, I had to compromise or lose her. I do pray for some guidance, stronger than my own, that will help her to someday see the truth.
@ptower76 (1616)
• United States
29 Jan 11
It is clear that your doing a good job with parenting. And from what you say here, you are probably right about her not calling while she is with him. It's one of the flaws of individual's of her age that they allow their perceptions of love to determine actions that may be harmful to themselves. I think you have a positive agreement with her to let her live with you as long as she applies herself to her future and allow her social privacy. You know, your job is almost done with her. She has already passed what we call in Spanish "los años peligroso" "The dangerous years" where young people are so suseptible to predators because of their ignorance, so pat yourself on the back for that. She will reach the age of maturity in one year so she'll be able so choose regardless. Pray for divine intervention with the (persona non grata) issue and continue to support her. My mom told us when we asked her how she spent those sleepless nights when we were "out on the town" and she answered, "I opened my bible and prayed for you all."
1 person likes this
@ptower76 (1616)
• United States
30 Jan 11
Sounds to me that this is in reality a success story and as well at a very good learning experience for both of you. I would pray to my higher power now to help me use what i have learned to guide my younger child through those challenging "años peligroso" if I were you. The true testement of a parent is to fight to raise their children in a way that prepares them to make those age appropriate decisions maturely and responsibly. After all, our children are our true legacy. God Bless you and your family. I have a feeling it will work out for you.
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@djbtol (5493)
• United States
30 Jan 11
I think you are being quite reasonable. 2:30 is pretty generous for a curfew and your daughter should realize that. And all you are asking for is a phone call, if there was a good reason to stay later. I don't know why she would make such a stink about using the phone. Maybe she thinks giving in on the phone is giving you too much control. I'm not sure.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Jan 11
A weight will be lifted off my heart the day that relationship ends. People might think I'm cruel to wish for it - but I do. You're so right too... having them gain their independence is almost a sense of loss for parents. What they perceive as us wanting to "control" them is really just our natural desire to "protect" them. I know we can't do it forever and we shouldn't try... but it's hard to wake up one day and that's suddenly the cut-off point 
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Jan 11
Thanks for your support, djbtol :) I think 2:30AM is plenty late enough for anyone her age and she routinely comes home at that time so it's not like it's something I "give in to" because she's attending some special occasion or anything. I agree with you that part of the deal with the phone is likely a control issue. Also, I mentioned a few replies back that she is in a relationship with a guy that is not welcome in my home (long story short, they started dated in high school but, after a couple of years, he got crazy possessive and it progressed to emotional abuse and, I suspect, physical on a couple of occasions). It is my strong belief that she doesn't answer the phone when I call because he will not "let her" speak to me when he's around. The phone is also a control issue for him where I'm concerned.
@skysuccess (8857)
• Singapore
30 Jan 11
thinkingoutloud,
Let me assure you that you are evidently doing the right thing and you are not bossy or being paranoid here.
Your daughter has to understand that you are basically concern about her safety and that you always have her well being at heart. It is an unearthly hour, not forgetting that it is also a potentially dangerous time to be outside - so the least she could do is to either call you or be called when she's being held up.
Just be firm but at the same time tactful with her. Also, I suggest that you let your daughter try to be in your shoes for a while or better still let her taste her medicine when you leave her in the lurk as you turn up late for her appointment without informing her. Sometimes, people just need to experience it to learn.
Kudos!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
2 Feb 11
Thank you so much for being wonderfully supportive, skysuccess! I have definitely been firm this time and put my foot down as to the expectations for calling. Those expectations apply to everyone in the house, not just her. She needs to see it as being a responsible person living here, quite simply. You know, you're right -- I never thought about how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. I always show up on time if I'm meeting her somewhere, picking her up, driving her for an appointment, what have you. As you suggest, some people need to actually experience something for themselves for it to really have an impact!
1 person likes this
@macdingolinger (10385)
• United States
30 Jan 11
I have two very broad thoughts on this. For one I always (tried) to teach my kids that it wasn't just "mom" type stuff but common courtesy to let the household know times you'd be in and stuff. My son was a drummer and out late a lot.We worked out another system. I left the kitchen light on when I went to bed (whether or not I slept) then when he came in he would turn it off. That way when I turned over at night just a glance would tell me whether I needed to worry or not... the other thought is that my son was terrible at calling after he moved out to college. He could go weeks and even a couple of months with absolutley no contact! That drove me nuts for a while then I figured he was busy and I let it go... now I am nursing him back to health because he was injured in a car accident over 2 years ago.. I'd give anything to be waiting up for him to come home tonight! I'd give anything to fight over "the small stuff" one more time... don't sweat the small stuff...it won't last forever!
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Jan 11
I agree with you on both points you raise here, macdingolinger. It IS common courtesy to let people know what times you come and go because, sure, it's a disruption when there is basically a revolving door on the front of the house. It's something I'm trying to make her understand. Your system with the kitchen light is a very good one. It allows for an agreement that "the front door is locked at "X" time but I can easily tell if everyone's in." What you are living through now with your son is a parent's worst nightmare and I feel for both of you. Driving conditions at this time of year can be quite treacherous where I live in Canada and I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about her getting into an accident - especially in those very early morning hours when temperatures fall to their coldest, "black ice" is common and newer drivers don't always have the acumen to deal with the roads. But I completely understand your perspective on not sweating the small stuff and I think it's a valuable statement. I do try to remember that and will remind myself to pick my battles. Thanks very much for your insights and my best wishes for your son's progress.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Jan 11
Thanks! I think I will bring that up in conversation with her because it's a very good learning opportunity. Our next door neighbors, when I was growing up, had one of their sons involved in an accident too. He was out partying with friends and the driver of the car he was in was drunk. The boy didn't want to call home for a ride because he thought he would be in trouble for drinking. So he got in the car with the impaired driver and they were in a collision. The driver and the other passengers had minor injuries but our neighbor's son basically took most of the impact. He was severely injured and, although he regained much of his physical abilities and motor skills, he was left heavily mentally impaired. He went from being a brilliant student to a young man who could not hold down any type of job, no matter how basic. I've tried to impress on my daughters so many times not to take chances... I would rather go out at 3AM in a snowstorm to get them then to have them take chances and not call me. I guess they don't fully believe us when we say things like that, right? 
I think I will bring that up in conversation with her because it's a very good learning opportunity. Our next door neighbors, when I was growing up, had one of their sons involved in an accident too. He was out partying with friends and the driver of the car he was in was drunk. The boy didn't want to call home for a ride because he thought he would be in trouble for drinking. So he got in the car with the impaired driver and they were in a collision. The driver and the other passengers had minor injuries but our neighbor's son basically took most of the impact. He was severely injured and, although he regained much of his physical abilities and motor skills, he was left heavily mentally impaired. He went from being a brilliant student to a young man who could not hold down any type of job, no matter how basic. I've tried to impress on my daughters so many times not to take chances... I would rather go out at 3AM in a snowstorm to get them then to have them take chances and not call me. I guess they don't fully believe us when we say things like that, right? @macdingolinger (10385)
• United States
30 Jan 11
Thank you for the well wishes! I certainly am not trying to make light of your concerns about the roads! But then of course my son' wreck happened on a hot sunny day! lol!.. I hear exactly what you are saying. Maybe you could take time when it's a good time (like not when she's getting ready to go somewhere) to sit and share your concerns with her ( you could even tell her about my son if you'd like). Those are the types of phone calls we as parents dread. And yes they do make your blood run cold and your knees buckle.
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@puccagirl (7294)
• Israel
29 Jan 11
I think every family is different, but this is how I see it: She lives at home, and this is not acceptable to you, because it does not make you feel good that she doesn't call you about these things, so it is not unreasonable at all if you decide to talk to her about it. For as long as she lives at home, she should live by your rules, and if this is important to you, then sure, you can make a "rule" (even though you might not want to call it that) about this as well, as I see it.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
29 Jan 11
Thank you, puccagirl :) I do feel that, as long as she is living in the family home, she must show respect. I don't believe it's at all respectful to disregard the feelings of anyone (not just me) by not keeping in contact or advising when there are problems. I talked to her about the situation again this morning and I told her clearly "This is what is expected of you." She has agreed to call - but I guess I will remain a bit skeptical until I see that she is doing it. Wish me luck! ;)
@puccagirl (7294)
• Israel
29 Jan 11
Give her a chance, maybe she will get better at this now. And if not.. you simply need to talk to her again :)
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Jan 11
I'm really hoping :) I work really hard at keeping good communication with her and with her sister, too. It's so important to me. Perhaps the message will get through this time :))
@GreenMoo (11833)
•
30 Jan 11
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your daughter to make a phone call when she is expected home and will be later, particularly when it is late at night. You would be a poor mother if you weren't worrying about a daughter who didn't, particularly when you consider the terrible news stories we see so regularly. Unfortunately she won't appreciate this until she is a mother herself! I feel it is uncaring of her to disregard your worries so readily when making a call is such a simple thing to do. Perhaps just laying down the law about this particular issue, at least whilst she is living in the family, would remove the contention. It may be painful at first, but ground rules sometimes actually reduce stress.
Incidentally, I have a partner who still hasn't learnt how to call home when he's late, and he has had many more years to learn the skill!
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Jan 11
Isn't it odd, GreenMoo, how people can't seem to understand how much worry and upset can be avoided if they'd just pick up the phone and make a quick call?? I'm sure your partner doesn't mean to upset you either but, even as adults, people get so wrapped up in what they're doing that it just doesn't seem to be a priority
I did "lay down the law" this time, actually... I told her what my expectations are, if she is going to be late, and I also told her that it's not acceptable to blow off my phone calls because she is "almost home." I expect to her to pick up, if even to say "I'll be there in five minutes." I don't need a big conversation... just confirmation that she's ok. So far, each night since that conversation, she has come home a few minutes earlier than usual - but the real test will come on a night that she's delayed. I'm hoping we've got an agreement this time *crosses fingers*
I did "lay down the law" this time, actually... I told her what my expectations are, if she is going to be late, and I also told her that it's not acceptable to blow off my phone calls because she is "almost home." I expect to her to pick up, if even to say "I'll be there in five minutes." I don't need a big conversation... just confirmation that she's ok. So far, each night since that conversation, she has come home a few minutes earlier than usual - but the real test will come on a night that she's delayed. I'm hoping we've got an agreement this time *crosses fingers*
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
29 Jan 11
Thanks so much, savypat! I really do agree with you... they think they are "10 feet tall and bulletproof" at this age, don't they? My mom used to say the same thing to me -- "you will understand when you have kids of your own" -- and that's right on the money! I'm going to keep at it and keep clarifying my expectations (not only for her sake but also for her younger sister who is watching and taking all this in). We'll get through it... I just really want to come out with a good relationship on the other side of it all :)
