I have a love problem that I seriously need help!
By nicregi
@nicregi (1934)
Malaysia
March 14, 2011 2:30am CST
Hi mylotters. I been puzzled with this matter for days now and I seriously need your help. The story is kinda long so bear with me alright?
I know this person J and we have great chemistry. She is pretty and 2 years younger than me. I knew her from my best friend and we ended up being together. I even went all the way to visit her (12 hours bus per way) just to wish her happy birthday and yes, asked her to be my girlfriend. I really thought she was the one and we even met up with parents and stuffs. However, due to distance, we are only able to met up like once a week or most of the time twice a month. So it was really tough on us.
During that time, I knew was always with my friends and co-worker (called N) where I did fall in love (I thought). Well, distance is near and we see each other every day and since my relationship was shaky due to distance, I broke up with J and after like 4-5 months, I was attached with N.
I really thought N was better (4 years younger) and we had our times.
Now, it has been 2 years since I broke up with J and I am still with N but I have to admit, I still miss J and I really don't know why. Deep inside, I know I can't be caring for both nor I can tell either one of them.
N is great but she has a thinking of not getting married and doesn't really children. I myself, is slightly typical chinese especially when it comes to family, marriage and children is important. I myself is 25 this year and I want to get married like 28 - 30 years old. N knows it but she is still quite reluctant. Of course, I do understand that she believes that one can live together (and love each other) without marriage.
J, of course is more to family style and totally suits me. J and I did not even speak for 2 years and I suddenly bump into her in town. Yes now all 3 of us are working in the same town. I did exchange numbers with her and found out that she had a boyfriend already but, it was shaky. I didn't know it until my friend (sharing house with her) told me that.
Definitely, I am not going to break their relationship but it just struck my mind that could it be just fated?
I am stucked with questions now:
1. Speak up with N and try to see our future (I already know the results won't be good)?
2. Br friends with J and see how things goes
3. Am I really in love with J that I can't forget her?
To be honest, me and J broke up really terrible and I know it hurt us both big time. Seeing her, messaging her was the absolute happy moment for me. I not sure why and even after 2 years, how can I keep thinking of her?
Due to the terrible breakup, I was in fact shy to meet her and same goes to her. That is why we both did not speak at all or even get in contact in 2 years time.
On my side with N, I have seriously no idea if I really love her. We both know that we need each other for comfort but when it comes to love, there is a huge gap that we could not answer. We enjoying doing things together but again, at times, we felt we need each other more instead of love each other.
I seriously hope you can advise me on this. Really appreciate all your help and sorry for the lenghty topic!
2 people like this
7 responses
@marcmm (1804)
• Malaysia
14 Mar 11
Wow... That was long dude. Here is what I think.
There is a saying that goes like this, "You know what you miss only when you lose them". So most of the time appreciate someone when we lose them. That happen all the times. And when that someone comes again in our life, we start to think about that person again and realise we make a mistake.
This sort of decision need a long and rational thinking. You must question yourself and find the answer to it.
1. What makes it will be better if you back with J?
2. Can you cope with losing N or will you miss N again in the future like you miss J?
3. Can you change thing around with N and make your relationship better?
If your answer to the riddle in your life is J and J is the missing puzzles, then you should be with J if she wants you back.
1 person likes this
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
14 Mar 11
Rated this up too! Thank for marcmm.
You got a very good point. Really appreciate it.
1. I will certainly be happy as I know I love J (or at least I did before) instead being with N who I really care (but less on love).
2. This seriously worry me and yes, this is one of the questions I keep asking myself.
3. I wish I could. I tried to forget about J with N around and after 2 years, I face the fact that, deep inside I still care for J.
Well, another question is, do I really love N or just care for her. I really care for her and I know that. Just not sure if I love her that much. I wish things will be simplier but, heck...it is another challenge in my life.
I just want to be fair for both N and J as I want them to know the truth. I don't to bring the truth to my grave.
I always believe "do it or die trying"...
Thank you for your comment!
@jennyze (7029)
• Indonesia
15 Mar 11
I will go with Marcmm. You should think thing over.
1. What make you certain that you love J instead of N? You cannot based love only from they way they both view marriage and family matters.
2. If thing does not work well with N, that does not mean that you don't love N. If you hadn't met J again, do you think you would be in this kind of 'tug of war' right now?
3. I think what you are feeling now is a curiousness on what would your relationship with J going to be cause you ended it so short. And that you are in a boring time with the relationship you have with N - a relationship should be worked out to flourish.
Well, it is all your choice. We can only give you some views on it, but at the end you should decide for yourself. Wish you the best.
@Xpertcomments (295)
• India
14 Mar 11
That's one real movie material you wrote up there. Anyway it is your life story so it ought to be much more serious than any movie storyline. What I feel now is that you really don't care for N. You love J and I bet there is really something that brings you back again together. Just try to get to her. Her relation is shaky too and this is a clear signal that she sure is missing you. Why not give a try and get in contact with her. In the worst scenario she might refuse to move back in relation with you but if she is waiting for you then this will be the only chance for you. Give it try then you won't have to regret all your life. If you get her back you will be happy for rest of your life..Goodluck
1 person likes this
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
14 Mar 11
I rated yours up. Thank you.
In fact, I really got to admit that I felt I needed N because I needed her. Aside from J, I really love her...at least during the time we are together. I know I had broke her heart and I really regreted that. Well, just too late.
Actually, I had been involved in 2 major accidents last year (yeah I am lucky right) and I saw my life flash upon me. I felt this is one unfinish business that I need to get it right.
The only thing that is between all of us is I don't want to break N's heart telling her I don't love her. In fact, we sat down a couple of times talking on how we need each other more than loving each other.
I spoke to my mom (yes she is my best friend) and she said follow my heart. Well, of course my heart tell me "what the hell? just get J" but again, I can't afford to break another heart. I broke too many hearts in my entire life already.
I know getting her back would be great but it will certainly be an uphill challenge...not only her but her family and friends. I have done so much damage that, if she say go to hell and I can tell you I really deserved it.
Anyway, thanks for your comment...again!
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
15 Mar 11
nicregi,
In all fairness, if you are even questioning yourself about your decision(s) to remain with N - I suggest you should just drop the relationship. If you cannot appreciate a woman beyond her prerogatives which in the first place could be due to your indecisiveness and hesitations then - don't worry because someone else would.
Release her then.
@grkelly (1206)
• Malta
15 Mar 11
In my opinion if you disagree with N on crucial maters such as maraige and children, it may be best to break up if she really does not want to understand your wishes.
If you still feel that special something for J, then it means something I think. You still love her most probably. Maybe if she is not attached to her current boyfriend, you should give it a chance. Probably it is fate and destiny that you met her. I sincerely wish you luck.
Your path forward in my humble opinion -
Try to make things clear to N, if she still disagrees, then move onto J.
@Sanitary (3968)
• Singapore
18 Mar 11
U, as a man should be responsible for the woman u love. Once u have broken up with your ex gf, J, while ended with up N, u should not be thinking about J anymore. It's not fair to N because she's being kept in the dark. Nobody in a relationship should be compared to another person. When u start comparing, u are already using N as a substitue for J. By time u really marry J, she would become a substitue of N again. Do be serious and not fool around.
@azskull (90)
• Philippines
15 Mar 11
people tend to know what we really need to in our life,the fact that without complications life is boring..if i would say my opinion in your situation i rather have someone else rather than having N and J..i know you are bit surprise about it..why? for me knowing these girl and making them fall for you all over again is as easy as 123..cause both j and n knows you better,,why settle for less where you can have the better and the best..all am saying to conclude my statement..these two whom you have relationship before and in the present have failed your expectation..what is wrong with long distance affair? if you love or really love each other come what may at the end of the day you will end up in each other-arms again..then why some girls just want relationship(indecent) who just want to unite but doesn't want to get married??? is that love your trying to tell? now i tell you with what my own opinion say,.why not try to look for the girl that would love you no matter what and ready to take you as her husband come what may and stay together with you no matter what and that's love a true genuine love...that you can call of your own
@bhabycatch013 (9150)
• Philippines
15 Mar 11
hi nicregi,
Loving and needing someone is totally different we love a person because we love them not because we just need them it is sad that you lost someone you truly love and end up to someone who you can't see yourself with her in the future.
Of course it is not good to break up with N and ruin J's relationship with someone else why don't you give yourself a time to think and weigh everything if you think you still love J you should face the consequences but the question is is she still inlove with you? will you bear to see someone crying because of you? If you just let your relationship work out even it is a distance one maybe you are happy now but we cannot turn back time so better made a good decision but always remember in every decision we will make there will always be only two results either good or bad.
Just be fair with this two girls besides they've been part of your life, if you are going to leave N do you think you will not need her anymore? If you will get back to J do you think she will leave her bf now for someone who hurt her so much 2 years ago?.
Hope you will make a right decision and find your true happiness. 
happy mylotting
happy mylotting
