True love doesn't exist.....
By LaLa Leo
@mrscallands22 (2852)
United States
March 20, 2011 1:29pm CST
I am sitting here..... having one of the worst conversations of my life. I am weary. It is Sunday and maybe I should've went to church.... because though some things in my life are turning out for the better.... a lot of them are turning out for the worse. My marriage is going down the drain.... and I almost feel like letting it. I am trying soo hard to gain my husband's trust back... even though I never cheated. He viewed some provocative messages that were sent and received and yea... I was wrong..... but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I am being treated like trash.... still lonely. Talked to like I'm nothing even more than ever now. And..... it hurts. I pray that God has mercy on my soul and his... but I don't know how much heartache and pain that I can endure. My heart is broken.... and then when I asked, "How can you love someone you don't trust? It's not possible." His response was simply, "I don't know if I love you or not." and THAT (I thought I had heard some hurtful things before... but nothing compared to this)... hurt MORE than ANYTHING!!! I don't know how to view things now. I'm sitting and saying that I am SO SORRY... the only reason why things happened the way that they did was because I was lonely and longing for him... that even though what I did was wrong... it'd never happen again if we were both willing to contribute our 100% to this marriage. BUT.... I can't do it alone... and I refuse to. I can't give my all and not receive it back. I will never ever forget this day...... and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. I am just going to put everything in God's hands because I know that He knows my heart... and knows the truth. If my marriage were to fail, God knows that all I wanted to do was be a good wife and have a beautiful family that I could provide for and take care of. I don't know what else to do. Apologizing seems to make things worse... he never understands how I feel. Ever. And that's quite unsettling... I feel like keeping my feelings bottled inside sometimes... because no one ever feels my pain. So...... another lonely, sleepless night as someone's wife for the past 5 years..... I just don't know how to accept this. I am done with my broken-hearted days... I long to be loved. I long for that love that is so strong that I am thought of frequently... enough to miss. I am someone's priority.... their pride and joy... their better half. I don't ever feel like this here. I am made to feel like everything that I do is wrong... every way I feel is wrong... and I am so tired because I know I can't be wrong all the time. Not all the time. I pray and ask the Lord..... that he take my pain and hurt away and replace it with no feeling.... no nothing. Rip my heart out and replace it with a black hole that only feels for my daughter and my family. Maybe things would be easier. I am so hurt right now... that I can't even finish this blog.
7 responses
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
21 Mar 11
You are reaching the crossroads. This is where things get tough and people make mistakes. This is where you are going to see what your marriage is made of. Times heals things but the thing that you need to ask yourself is are you willing to give that time. I don't know how your husband is but there are some people that just want to make their mate suffer a mistake that might have embarrassed them or made them feel less. If that is the case..I would get out. That's just me though. Life is too short to suffer punishments we might not deserve...not to mention the fact it might actually drive us to be something we don't want to be..does that make sense?
Take breath..calm down...let the smoke clear..see how things go and then decide. That would be the best advice that I can give.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
23 Mar 11
Thanks for the best response! My grandfather once told me that marriage was a partnership. That after a couple is settled and their life becomes less passionate and the daily grind sets in...that it is more about how much you like the person you are with...not passionate love..but like them. He descriced it to me at two people working towards a common goal while allowing each other to be who they want and need to be. I think its great that you two each have things unique to who you are. Maybe just finding a way to bring it all together so you can support each other. 
@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
23 Mar 11
You are definitely right about that. Because I feel so torn sometimes... because part of me wants to just go on with my life while I'm still young and start over (that's what all the older people tell me to do).... but an even bigger part of me wants him and his love. And I want to give him all the love that I have. But... it's just always something. It's always something that complicates a form of my happiness. A wise guy told me that love isn't about gazing into each other's eyes madly in love... but about looking together in the same direction. I heard that only just a few days ago and it's one of the truest things I've ever heard. And I take that in stride now... not only do we have to love each other.. but we have to see eye to eye... be on the same page for the most part at least. And we haven't been doing that lately. We both have our goals... I have grad school to finish in the next year and a half and he has plans of going to school himself... and he's very lyrically talented.. so he's known quite well around here. We just need an opportunity to get where we want to be... so that we won't have to focus on the petty things like money and we can focus on the important things like our relationship.
Thanks JenInTN... for the great advice. BR award.
@Strovek (868)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 11
So sorry to hear about your problem. I was not able to see from this post what caused your husband to lose his trust in you.
It is possible that he may be too sensitive or something that previously happened to him that may cause it to be his trigger point. Either way, it is always tough to regain trust once it is lost.
I saw a movie called "Fireproof" which talks about regaining trust in a marriage. I am not sure whether it is applicable to your situation.
1 person likes this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
29 Mar 11
I don't know the reason behind your anxiety. But I would suggest you to look for the past and analyze is the mistakes that you committed why your husband acting like that...If you now find out the root of the trouble between you and your husband...you may now start planning to talk to your husband and see what the result...
Just make a good plan before talking to your husband. Ask him to talk in secluded place that you and your husband only...ask him what happen?
If he tell you reason why? You may now start to explain about your fault and ask his understanding about the matter...
@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I've tried all of that. I guess our relationship is too far gone past that now. As much as I am dying inside from the pain of a broken heart, I am still praying to God for guidance and inner peace and serenity. I hope that God blesses me with these virtues so that I won't feel this way.... anymore.
Thanks for commenting!!
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
20 Mar 11
I am so sorry things aren't doing well for you Mrscallands
It's not fair for him for doubting your LOVE. i think he should take guts and try to talk things out for you. i hear a lot of break ups in the past, but i don't believe that true love doesn't exist, most people see it as magical most specially if you don't really expect things about it. but i can understand you're angry,sad and lonely right. but you're not alone, were here. as always.
It's not fair for him for doubting your LOVE. i think he should take guts and try to talk things out for you. i hear a lot of break ups in the past, but i don't believe that true love doesn't exist, most people see it as magical most specially if you don't really expect things about it. but i can understand you're angry,sad and lonely right. but you're not alone, were here. as always.@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
20 Mar 11
Yea, thanks for being here! I need some people in my corner right now... as I feel I have no one. Even though I'm sitting in my room, I feel like I'm sitting alone still... because I feel no love. I can't say that I think that true love exists anymore.... because the one person that I care about the most can't even SEE it. He doesn't even believe it... probably never has. And that hurts, too. But to actually come out of his mouth and say that he can't say whether he loved me or not.............................................................................
was........ the most hurtful thing. I am speechless. I probably won't have too many words for the next few days because my heart is officially broken. So... just as he says he may not love me....... I don't know whether I can love a man that doesn't love me or isn't willing to forgive me or work things out. Because if he did love me..... even if he were hurting right now..... he'd still love me. I just don't know what to say or do.... so I'm not going to say or do anything......
I'm just here.
Thanks for your support, LetranKnight25...... Depression will set upon me soon.
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
20 Mar 11
probably it's best not to take his words that seriously, he didn't exactly say he didn't love you any more. maybe he's just confused or something. but you know, life is short, almost every one is lonely in some segment of their lives. I've been lonely for like three years out of friends contact but am just fine. well, you feel depress and hate now, but just relax and am sure you will eventually surpass this problem.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Mar 11
I think that all people make some mistakes in our relationships and it is when we make those mistakes that our relationships are put to the test. When the relationship is a strong relationship, then both parties in the relationship will work to make things better. However, when there are already problems in the relationship, that will be the time that the relationships will fall apart. I'm sorry to hear that you are having such problems in your relationship.
1 person likes this
@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
23 Mar 11
I understand that fully. He's a pretty sweet guy... faithful... lyrical... funny.. but he doesn't spend enough time with me now that I feel I need. Then again... I guess... I'm used to how things used to be... we'd spend 24/7 together doing everything. We were best friends and in a relationship.... and it was perfect. But people come in between, life gets harder, we get older, child is born, school to finish, goals to reach and we're only 23 and 25. We've been married for 5 years... and I know that we can and maybe will eventually work past this... BUT... I don't know whether our marriage could endure ANYTHING after this. It would indefinitely be over. And I'm sorry to say the things that I say here... but I feel better here than my diary... at least I have some unbiased feedback.
Thanks as always for your concern, doranmwin.
@acey76 (1276)
• Philippines
21 Mar 11
Well, you must understand first your husband what's the reason why he reacted this was, as you said you have done wrong...Let time heal the wound, you can't blame your husband, just make sure everyday you tell him in your own special way that you are sorry, don't try to annoy him..
1 person likes this
@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
23 Mar 11
I know what I did was wrong... even though it wasn't an extravagant wrong... a sin is a sin in God's book and I was willing to admit that and accept that. I'm not one of those types who doesn't admit when their wrong... I'm real. I'm too real... sometimes.. because I can't really lie either... it's kind of a gift to others and a curse to me. So when he found out... I told the truth. So.. I understand why he'd be hurt... but words are like daggers.... I'd rather have a broken arm, leg AND rib anyday than to have a broken heart. And I don't even wish that feeling on my worst enemy. But... he also has to understand that some of HIS actions as well lead to what happened (even though it doesn't justify the fact). I apologized... I'm trying to move on from it... trying to get him to trust me to not do it again ONLY if he also holds up his end by spending more time with me so that I won't be as lonely. So... I am hoping that with God's help... everything will work out!!
And... I'm not exactly what you may call "annoying"... but I speak what's on my mind unadulterated and unsugarcoated... so it's kind of hard to bite my tongue sometimes!!
Thanks for your advice.
@hazesdaze (4)
• United States
21 Mar 11
So you had a provocative message... Does he ever watch dirty movies? It's really not that different. You may have been feeling a little lonely, whatever but what do people feel when they are reading a seductive magazine or watching a seductive movie? It really is no different. The difference would have been if you were to actually act on the messages. You stopped them, you said you were sorry. There is nothing else you can do. He needs to be mature enough to talk about it. Something was wrong in the first place if you were looking for attention elsewhere. Might want to explore that.
@mrscallands22 (2852)
• United States
23 Mar 11
I think that he used to watch those... I'm not sure whether he does now or not.. as it doesn't bother me really. Men are men. BUT... sending and receiving those messages were wrong... I do admit to that. I just want his forgiveness, understanding and his willingness to work things out. If I can have that... in addition to his love and trust, I think that things would be back to normal. But that's wishful thinking... I know that things aren't going to go back overnight. But, after 5 years of marriage, I know that there's nobody else that I want. Furthermore, that's why the situation never escalated past anything but mindless messages. If I were serious, I would've been conversing with these people over the phone or meeting up with them somewhere. If anyone sees me out with a guy other than my husband, it is one of my cousins. I am faithful, he is too... He just doesn't believe that I am anymore because I gave him grounds to feel that way. I wish I had a time machine!!!
Thanks for commenting.
