Update on the gift card shower

I agree Canellita... they are her friends and she hasn't said anything to them directly about what's been going on. She's been coming to me to discuss it because she is trying to understand if her own feelings are way off base. She can't imagine that they don't see how rude they're being... but I've told her, during wedding preparations, people do get wound up in themselves and don't think about others much of the time. There was already an engagement party and my daughter gave a gift. She will also give a wedding gift. Yes, this couple is just starting out in their first apartment but they don't want to accept anything that they (or her family) haven't chosen personally. That is the reason for the gift card shower... they seem to feel it's more polite than saying just give us money... but it's not being received that way by the people invited, particularly with the aunt's behavior on FB. I don't think it's just the aunt though, to be honest... we recently found out the shower isn't a surprise for the bride and she, her mom and her aunt are planning it together. So they all know full well what's being said and done :\

You know, I thought so too... but they seem to have just skipped right over that idea and have been telling people directly, right from the moment they got engaged

Gee, I thought bridal registry was supposed to make sure you got the things you wanted as a bride...

I was shocked that she would do that, to be honest - and it was her own fault that she didn't give people a deadline to RSVP. My daughter had a conversation with the groom recently and he said he's getting fed up with all of it. He said every day when he comes home, something to do with the shower or the wedding has changed... and he is never consulted about anything. I have a feeling you're completely right and a lot of people are going to back out of this thing now because it's really gotten ridiculous. People often enjoy being invited to share in a happy occasion but they sure don't enjoy being dictated to about how to participate :\

Well perhaps the bride and groom will take over from the aunt and do it their own way. That's the problem with weddings and such.. it's supposed to be about the bride and groom, but all these friends and family members want to step in and do it their way that it ends up being nothing about the bride and groom.. so sad!

Oh I know what you mean... and in this case, it's only about the bride. She, her mother and aunt are doing everything and the groom is being totally left out. I guess some guys would be really happy about that, though In this case, he actually isn't. They live with the bride's parents and the parents are paying for everything so, naturally, they are deciding where their money goes - and the bride seems perfectly happy to let them spend as much as they want. She absolutely doesn't intend to spend any of her own money so I don't think she has much objection to how things are being done. She and her mom spend every single day on the wedding. My daughter was at dinner with the couple last weekend and she said that the girl was on her phone, texting her mom about wedding stuff, throughout the whole dinner. She barely raised her head or said a word.

I do agree with you, danishcanadian, that they could have carried this off tastefully... but the FB situation really sent it off the deep end. Like you, I thought it was a surprise for the bride but then came to find out that she's known about everything since the beginning and is actually "behind the scenes" planning it with her mother and her aunt. My daughter was telling me they've had quite a few people decline after they got the message on Facebook so I bet they felt the way you described!

Hi there sid556! That was one of the first things I thought when I heard about the type of shower... I wondered what they would do because it's not interesting or fun to look at gift cards I've been to plenty of showers where I've been asked to give a donation of $10 or $20 to contribute towards the purchase of a large gift item (like appliances at a bridal shower or a stroller/car seat/etc. at a baby shower). I never had a problem with that because the couples were receiving something they really needed and we got to take part in their joy at receiving that gift at the shower all the same. With this gift card shower, people are feeling that they're being told that they have lousy taste and they won't bring "nice enough" gifts so just give the cash equivalent. The atmosphere surrounding the whole occasion definitely got worse after the aunt's Facebook message -- because she pretty much confirmed their initial feelings. My daughter already gave a gift at the engagement party and she'll give another one at the wedding. As a university student who only works in the summer, between semesters, she's having a hard time budgeting for this. I told her I could help her out but she said she's starting to feel like she just doesn't belong as part of it at all because she doesn't have a lot of money. And the kicker is, the bride and groom themselves really don't have any more than she does... it's the bride's family that is really well off and they're paying the full ride.

Well, I thought maybe the bride was in the dark about the shower but I've since been told that she knows everything that's going on and is actually "behind the scenes" planning it with her aunt and her mother. My daughter called the aunt directly and gave her regrets for the shower -- then she happened to have a conversation with the groom not long after. First thing he said was "sorry to hear you won't be at the shower." So, then, she realized that the couple is aware of everything that's being planned because not much time had passed since her phone call and he already knew. Honestly, I completely agree with you -- I'd be furious too. Some of my most treasured gifts have been things people made for me... at my baby shower, for example, I received a baby afghan made by a neighbor that was like a second mom to me. It was so beautiful and it meant so much that she put her time into it for me. It's just sad when there is no sentiment to the occasion at all and it just feels like a gift grab.

Its sad that your daughter feels that way all because of money but I think the Aunt is maybe creating these feelings. Now how does the bride feel about all this? Does she even know? If I ever found that a friend or relative were giving me a shower and treating people like this, I'd be furious!! Also, as the recipient of gifts, I loved the homemade ones and cheaper ones as well as the pricier ones. One thing I would NOT want would be for anyone to compromise their budget in order to get me a gift.

Yep! Rude about summarizes it, JenInTN! My daughter decided not to go because she can't abide by how it's being done - nor can she afford it. She called and gave her regrets to the aunt and, within maybe an hour or so, happened to have a conversation with the groom. He already knew she wasn't going to attend. So, it's pretty obvious that the couple is involved in all the planning and the aunt is the one with her name on the invitation. Funny that you mention future relationships too... she told me that she's getting really tired of how this couple is treating all their friends. They are no older and no better off than their peer group but, when it comes to the wedding, there are no limits because they aren't paying for anything themselves. She says it's making them very unlikeable and friends are starting to exclude them from get-togethers, movies, even just hanging out for a pizza or whatever. I hope this will at least be a learning experience for them.

I guess that is a prime example of how money changes people. It's not their money, but I bet it makes them feel like it is to have free reign of it. I sure wouldn't want to be around them if they won the lottery.

I will admit, frontvisions, that I never thought of telling my daughter to do that!!