My ex really showed his tail this weekend...what do I do now?
By JenInTN
@JenInTN (27514)
United States
April 7, 2011 3:22pm CST
It's been over ten years. He has been pretty active with our daughter and that is really the only thing I have ever wanted. We had a bad breakup..lots of things involved. Number one being that it got pretty physical towards the end and I had to set an example for my girls. He had a job when we met but it was a traveling job. Shortly after the baby was born, I landed the job I have now...one of the highest paying factories in the area. We decided that instead of him traveling anymore, he would find something in the area. He never did. I mean..he quit his job and never got another one. It was fine for a while...but six years later, I was over it. Anyway...he fought the breakup strongly..things got physical...I took a stand and had him taken out of the house.
Ok..that's the nasty past..since then..I thought that we had developed somewhat of a friendship for our daughter..I was very wrong. He came to get her Friday night and just blew up on me. Asking me why I had ruined his life by leaving him. He was blaming me for all his hardships and the fact that he got a DUI after we broke up. He called me names and downgraded my b/f now. Then told my daughter to get her things and lets go...yes he was doing this in front of her! I told him no...he wasn't taking her right now in his frame of mind and that he should have never burnt the bridge we had made. It had been comfortable until that moment.
Then there came the stomps from downstairs..my b/f had heard him. My b/f was furious. He told my ex he would not speak to me like that especially not in front of the child.
The ex left with the help of his mom but now what? He called the next day to apologize but said that he still felt there were things unresolved...what's unresolved? It's been over ten years!
Have you ever been confronted by your past? Has there ever been any sudden turmoil that you weren't sure how to handle? Have you ever had someone harbor ill feelings that you had no idea they had for you? How do you think I should handle this situation?
10 people like this
33 responses
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
10 Apr 11
that has got to be hard specially in front of daughter how did she handle it. DI d you have a talk afterhe left?
DOes she know the whole story?
I would think she needs to know all of it if she dont.
Kids can handle anything if ya just keep up front with them
As for him not sure what you need to do but after 10 years he should be over it and it wasnt your fault him getting the DUI you never held him down and poured the drink down his thoat he did that all on his own and he needs to own up to that ya need to gt over to him that he needs to stand up to the plate and take the blame for HIS actins DOnt think you really need to do anything just as long as daughter handles it good!
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (45123)
• Canada
9 Apr 11
Wow! This is one awful situation. If I was in your shoes, I would get down on my knees and ask for divine help. Believe or not, God has helped me through many tricky sticky situations.
Then I would sit down with him and a reasonable neutral person (maybe a trusted family member by both) and hear him out and try to reach an amicable solution if possible. Forgiveness and kindness can go a long way at times.
Hopefully it would be resolved in this way.
If that doesn't work, then the police might have to be contacted.
I feel for you and hope that it can be resolved peaceably. Good success!
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
9 Apr 11
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm mad because he showed his tail in front of my daughter, but I feel sorry for him in a way too. I can't imagine where I would be if I had not learned to let go of certain things and move on. I would also be in a very bad place if I had wasted all my time blaming my mistakes on someone else.
@ElicBxn (63235)
• United States
7 Apr 11
I think you, and your b/f handled it perfectly.
I think he's bitter because you quit supporting him - I bet when he wasn't working he also didn't lift a finger around the house except maybe for "manly" work...
You don't need that, your daughter doesn't need that and she sure shouldn't be in the car with him angry (and maybe high?)
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 Apr 11
No she doesn't...I actually considered that too...or drinking...his mom has to drive him everywhere now because of that DUI he blamed me for..lol...all this time and he still hasn't made right to get his license back..I guess that's my fault too.
He didn't..he straightend up but it was the weekends that I did the main cleaning.
I am most concerned that even the next day..he was saying things were unresolved. It makes me wonder what he's been saying in front of my daughter when she has been over. He made it very clear he didn't like my b/f.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 Apr 11
His mom has definitly been an enabler. No matter what he has done..that woman has stood behind him. She is crazy about my daughter but when her son does something wrong, she just pets him and trys to fix it. She even had the nerve one time to ask me if I knew how good I had it with her son..LOL..I said sure I do..everytime I have to get up early and go to work while his @$$ sleeps in. She knew we were breaking up when she asked me that..I guess it was her way of trying to keep us together..lol.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Apr 11
hI jEN, thank heavens u didn't let your daughter go off w/him. I would be leary of doing that from now on. U hear of too much of men & women taking off w/their children & never know what happens to them. He sounds to me like he has bigtime problems & needs help to get them straightened out. Why now after 10 years he acted like this. He may be on something to have caused the real him to come out. Good for your b/f for taking up for u. Please give it alot of thought before u let her go off w/him again.Your daughter is the only way he can get back at u & i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
9 Apr 11
U have good reason not to trust him. What did ur daughter think about the way he acted??Ann is doing pretty good. She will never come back to mylot, people were too ugly to her.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Hi Jo! I was thinking about that that very moment. I was blindsided by his explosion but the thought crossed my mind...he's out of control and she might not be safe. Explaining that to her was not easy..she has a close relationship with him. I think it went well..she understood and was just as surprised as I was.
I am wondering about that "on something" thing.
I am thinking about regulating her visits and doing so through her grandmother. What do you think about that?
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
9 Apr 11
My ears are always burning
How is that anniefannie? Tell her to jump right in here.
I don't trust him anymore..that thing is..is he has been hiding this for all this time..what else has he been hiding..makes me wonder what things he might have been telling her all this time.
How is that anniefannie? Tell her to jump right in here.
I don't trust him anymore..that thing is..is he has been hiding this for all this time..what else has he been hiding..makes me wonder what things he might have been telling her all this time.1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
7 Apr 11
yes have been there many times. just told the ex, till he got his act together and faced, fixed his problem, he could not see the kids. sounds like hes having a drinking problem and you dont want to take a chance on your daughter being in a car with him. 
drinkers always like to blame someone else. its him, not you. 
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 Apr 11
No..I don't want to take a chance like that. His mother has to drive him everywhere because he has never taken the effort to get his license back. That has been a great comfort to me in the past...not the driving as much as the comfort of knowing she is always involved. If it wasn't for her, I don't know if I would ever let her go. He certainly blames me for a lot. In another 20 years it will probably be my fault for something else. How can someone blame someone else for the choices they make? I am having a hard time understanding.
@emochique0712 (37)
• Philippines
8 Apr 11
well, to my opinion, he's just realized he lost a lot when he let you go. technically, it was his fault why you gave up on him. as they say: "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for teh past and fear for the future."
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
That is an interesting quote. Thanks for sharing it. I hope he moves on and finds happiness. I could not imagine carrying that around for so long. I think he should also take responsibility for the actions he has chosen since we have separated too. I don't see how he justifies all the bad things in his life on me after 10 years. Thanks for the response and welcome to myLot!
@emochique0712 (37)
• Philippines
11 Apr 11
i'm glad i did not come to that point where i have to consider a another person for my decisions. I've had a 7yr relationship that also did not end up good and now he's trying to take me back but it's not goiong to be a great idea. i'm lucky i found a new one and i hope those guys find thier's too. thanks.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Jen, I really do not know what to tell you to do about this situation. I feel for you and your daughter. However, you have to make some choices that you feel are best for her and this was one of those times. I am being subpeonaed today to court on a custody battle where both sides are being childish and I am sick and nervous over the whole thing. I wish people could see how these things effect the child and put their differences aside.
Whatever happened with the two of you, you are both parents to that child and you need to be that for her. He has no right to disrespect you and you have no right to disrespect him.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I agree. I wish he had not acted that way. I was very comfortable with letting her visit. I was glad that we were able to be at ease when he come to get her and that the atmosphere wasn't tense. I'm sure it was nice for her to be able to have mom and dad attend school functions, have a decent conversation and let her be the important thing. I just hate that all of this will change now. I don't want to make things any harder than they have to be. I want my daughter to have her father in her life..but I want him to want those things for her too. Thanks for the response.
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
25 Apr 11
Good that your current bf stood up for you and explained the proper from of respect he should have for you in front of your child. Sounds like you got a good one this time.
I had an emotionally disturbed ex. Inwardly depressed and self-destructive. Thought he was over me as anything but a friend until he kept comparing his emotionally disturbed friends that he met in the ward (after he jumped off a building and totaled one of his arms) to me. She had anorexia and I kept telling him to lay off the comparisons and leave her alone about her weight. He got mad and told me I didn't know how to treat people or I would still be his girlfriend. He broke up with me and I had told him NOT to join the military, which he did. He had been showing signs of emotional disturbance before he joined the military. During boot camp, he jumped off the building, shattering all the bones in his arm. So he's nuts!
Some men are nuts! Anyone with a DUI has proven that he's irresponsible. Unresolved business, I'd give him unresolved business. I'd get him changed to court ordered supervised visits so I'd know the child is safe and not driven around by a drunk. Here the court picks up the kid and lets the Father come and visit and then the court drops the kid back off. Then you don't have to deal with him and worry that your child is being driven around by someone who is drunk. Then he can "tell it to the judge".
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
25 Apr 11
He certainly has caused things to have to be handeled differently. I didn't think he was that unstable until be just went off. It was out of nowhere too. I hate it for my daughter but she understands he was put of line. This has triggered my protection intincts more than anything. There are some men that are nuts. Thanks for responding.
@Margajoe (4709)
• Germany
19 Apr 11
Oh My! That is a difficult situation.
He is messing with your life, and is not a good example to your daughter.
Maybe you could try talking to him first.
In a shopping mall with lots of people around, not alone!
Can you get bring him to court?
Maybe then you can get rid of him.
Sounds like you have a nice BF now.
Time to forget the passed and live life now.
Wish you all the best.
Good luck.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
19 Apr 11
I could take him back to court..the first time didn't run him off though..lol..it is a tough one. I am really having to keep a clear mind and consider what is best for my daughter. He is not setting a goos example but I know I have to be the one to do it. I am working out arrangements now through his mother..I am not sure that unmonitored vistitation is a good idea right now. I am still shocked over his actions. I can not figure it out. He has been good to my daughter and that is all I have ever really wanted from him since our split.
Thanks for your well wishes! I need all I can get. Take care.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Apr 11
hi jenintn well I really should not interfere as I had one marriage that lasted 33 years. I guess back in 1959 things like live togethers were not very prevalent and people fell in love aand they just got married. I do not have a lot of exes to worry about. But your ex is andex for good reasons from what you have told us. any man would get physical with me he would only do it once.Also if he quit cause I was wokring he would be out of there really fast,. I agree with some others you need to take him
to court and get things settled. also take it from me get married to your current boy friend for the sake of your child really. there is not a thing wrong with marriage that I c an seer and a lot right legally. thats only my own opinion but marriage does have it's pluses
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I do agree Hately and I respect the fact that you were married for 33 years. The thing is with me is that I have something funny in my head about marriage that I just can't shake. Unfortunately I haven't got the best track record with men. It is my own fault, of course, for not making the proper choices..but it's hard to find a good guy that is going to stay that way..at least it has been for me. I would have loved to find that guy who I could have married and stayed with for years, but it didn't work out that way for me. I haven't been by any means promiscious..at least not by today's standards..lol..but I have explored a couple of options. I would love to want to be married.
I am by no means an angel but I expect certain things and I am just not willing to settle.
Thanks for responding and take care.
@se7enthbird (8307)
• Philippines
7 Apr 11
i hate when a person blames other people for what happened with their lives. the only person to blame is him and himself. some people never learn and some people just do the same mistakes all over and over again. yes maybe there are unresolved matters, but that is with him. he needs a new life a new thinking or maybe a new brain har har har. i have issues with my brother who is living abroad. he thinks he is a better person than i am because he sends money for my mother. one time we had a discussion on the phone... but after that when he calls i never answer it anymore. i dont care what he says. we all give chip in for our mother, he is lucky he lives abroad and his money when changed in to peso is big... and he is boasting about that. i never thought that he had some issue with me regarding that. he says i am the first born and i need to be hands on with my mother. maybe i dont live with my mother but i always make sure she is ok. but no matter what i explain she does not listen and maybe does not care so i would rather not talk to him.
@se7enthbird (8307)
• Philippines
8 Apr 11
i read it once at facebook, a friend put it as a status that people hate you because they are jealous. for they want to have the life you are living. i am not saying that i am living in a perfect life, but i am living in a life now that is good for me. i love my family and i love my job. i love what i do, i am living where all the people i love and care for are within my reach. i know it is hard to live abroad... i experienced it for 3 months at japan, but i guess my brother rub it to me in a wrong way. i am here if he wants to talk but to get all that nagging as if he knows what i am doing then i wont waste my time on him. i dont need to prove him anything.... same as to you with your ex you dont need to prove him anything. all he needs to do now is to prove your child that he can be a good parent too. again to my brother i dont need to prove anything to him, my mother knows that all already. i am not the kind of person who boast things.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I hate that too. If I wasted all my time who's fault it was besides my own that this or that has happened, well, I don't know how I would find time to live. I could not imagine harboring so much for so long.
I think that your brother trys to make you feel like that because it makes him feel better about the choices he has made. Sometimes when a person that feels bad makes someone else feel bad, it makes them feel better about themselves. Stupid but I have found it to be true. I am glad you aren't letting it bother you. Your mother loves you and you try very hard to take care of her. Thanks for the response and take care.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
Oh wow, how awful. Clearly he's not over it yet, and he's blaming you. I really hate that he did that in front of your daughter. Not cool at all.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
No kidding. I can forgive R some of the things he's said and done to me, but when he does them to or in front of the kids 
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
10 Apr 11
No I haven't been in that kind of a situation.
But I would like to say that you did the right thing of not letting your daughter go with him. I'd hate to think what he'd let her go through with that frame of mind.
I think that he's broken the trust that he's built up over the years. And I think that you might have to go to court to get this thing settled.
@nangisha (3496)
• Indonesia
10 Apr 11
I really sorry for your situation. I think its must really confusing because your child were there.
I think there is people in this world who keep blaming others for a mess in their life. They can not made an introspection what they made wrong until they end up in this situation.
I hope you ex will move on and find someone to manage their life together. so you bath can had healthy friendship.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Thanks...I am thinking at this point it might actually take him finding someone to have him move on. I also thought we had that semi healthy friendship. It's a shame that he has burnt the bridge. I know my daughter was very comfortable with it too. Thanks for the response and take care.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
8 Apr 11
honey you are not responsible for how he feels. Not now and not ten years ago. He needs to move on and get over it. I know my ex might feel the same way. i personally don't really care. how he feels and what he thinks about me is none of my business. just take care of our child.
@qianlizhifeng (468)
• China
8 Apr 11
Well ,ten years is not a short time .We always say time changes everything ,including things in the deepest part of our heart. However,someone,espcially those whose life doesn't become better after the break-up, would not forget what had happened in the past.Maybe your ex is just such a person.I don't really know what his life is now ,but I guess he can't lead a good life as he didn't get a good job .So that may be the cause why he came back to bore your life .
To solve the problem ,you can ask your present b/f for some advice .What'more ,you can ask some of your relatives or clese friends to come when he is coming .The purpose is just to tell the public that what he has done and what he is doing are not correct for a gentleman.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Your right..he has not taken the steps needed to improve his life. He has made choices that has not benefited him at all and he has to live with them. I hate it that he is unhappy. I would really like for him to be..but no more than I can be the cause for the bad, I can not make anything better for him either. He has to do that himself.
Thanks for the response.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
8 Apr 11
If it was just adults exposed to this I would suggest just letting it go, but because there is a child involved you need to face him, point out what he does to his child when he allows his temper to take over his life. I was raised between two adults who could never let go and it tore me apart. Children try to be loyal to both their parents and mediate the differences, children do not have that ability and are often blaming themselves for the fights. Remember children are very self centered and have not yet learned that they have little or no control over what happens to them and the people they love. Stay strong and if possible positive as you face this challenge. Blessings
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
That is exactly why I have always been careful and respectful about her dad. I have never said anything bad or negative about him in front of her. I had a loyalty to my mother too. I thought terrible things about her sometimes but I didn't want anyone else to tell me they did or say things about her. It is tearing to have it done. I just hope he hasn't been doing it to her. I hope he has respected her enough not to talk bad about me...I am thinking he might have though..especially after this. Thanks for responding.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
8 Apr 11
I wonder why he has been holding on onto his resentment for ten years! He sounds like the type of guy you should keep away from unless he gets professional help; his violent tendencies being a big clue. I would ensure there is a legal contract in regards to your daughter and avoid any other contact with him. Being friends with him is obviously out of the question. Unresolved issues? If he hasn’t figured where he stands in ten years he never will! I hope he doesn’t give you any more trouble; thankfully you have a partner who supports you.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I know right? 10 years is a long time. So much for the comfortable friendship. I was really blind sided by the explosion. There is a legal contract between us over my daughter. Visitation and custody stuff. There was also an order of protection issued when we separated due to the violent nature of the end. I think you have to renew them though..I haven't. Maybe I should consider that for sure. I am thankful my b/f was here..he was just as surprised as me. He has been a part of the "comfortable friendship" for the past 4 years and never saw that one coming. I am thinking of dealing only with his mother from here on out where my daughter is concerned. Thanks for responding.
@jackieours (4)
•
8 Apr 11
I can relate to you because my brother and his ex, whom he has a child with, were in the same kind of situation for awhile. It sounds like he has a lot of built up anger, and thats not good for kids to be around. He sounds like the type to throw a fit if he doesnt get his way. If you feel for your safety and your kids, you may want to set a custody agreement, just so that both parents are in understanding as to who and when get the kids, or kid? Its just a guideline. As for takling to him, i would recomend that you maybe choose a central location, maybe a park, or mall nearby that you and him could meet at and discuss what ever it is that he needs to say. If your in a happy relationshipnow, i would suggest that you hear him out, and tell him that hes just got to let go. Tell him that you two still have to communicate because of your kids, but nothing more than that. Good luck to you !
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Thank you so much for responding and welcome to myLot. When we first separated, I did the custody agreement. Thank goodness that is one less thing to worry about at this point.
I agree that the nature of visits and communication should be changed now. I am not even sure if it is a good idea at this point to have any communication. It's made me feel very odd to think he has held this for over 10 years and even acted as though we were friends in a comfortable way for our daughter. Weird.
