How long do you think someone should wait to date after a spouse dies?

@jillhill (37354)
United States
June 6, 2011 10:37am CST
I know someone whose wife died three months ago....they had her creamated and last month finally had a service for her. Last week I saw him twice with another woman already. Supposedly when this guy was married to his wife they were practically inseparable. Do you think there should be a waiting period? Or if they are lonely do you think it's alright for them to move on right away?
20 people like this
40 responses
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
6 Jun 11
The grieving process can be a difficult one. unfortunately it is one that i have had to go through. it all depends on the people you eet and the relationships that you have with them. dating again will not change how you feel about the one you have lost. life does go on and we should cherish that in any way that we can.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
For sure....I totally agree!
@amango83 (50)
• United States
6 Jun 11
Maybe he is feeling lonely and just wants some companionship. It can be very hard to be by yourself after being with someone for that long. I have never been in this situation, but I think that I would feel kind of lost for awhile.
2 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
I think it would be very lonely....
• Singapore
10 Jun 11
my opinion is that if the male/female is ready, they are free to choose what to do with their future, you cant expect everyone in this era to be like people from the past, never remarrying or getting into a new relationship right?
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
13 Jun 11
So right!
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
13 Jun 11
You know, I don't have a lot of room to talk because of my situation 20 years ago however, the norm is to wait a year before one is to start dating but we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. In my case, my fiance was killed in November of 1990 and I met my husband to be in Febuary of '91 and we got married in August. Also, he had left his first wife in November as well. Granted, it was too soon but we needed each other because we both had been going through some really rough times and we did love each other however, we weren't in love YET. We've been married now for 19 years, 20 in August so it does work WHEN both parties want it to.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
13 Jun 11
Yes...and everyone needs someone! Besides...life is for the living!
@katsmeow1213 (28719)
• United States
6 Jun 11
I think it would depend on a case by case basis. Obviously he needs someone or something to fill that void.. Personally, I couldn't do that, I'd feel as if I were dishonoring the memory of my husband.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
I think more these days.....that people aren't as stuck on the year waiting period....it should happen whenever that person is ready...what ever time it takes.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
6 Jun 11
I think it all depends on the person. Also maybe his wife and him had an agreement that if either of them passed they could date again soon after. I know that I wouldn't be able to do it though. I think at least a year or so would be a good amount of time to date, especially if there are children involved.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
I agree...it has to be when someone is ready..even if it's just a month!
@ladygator (3465)
• United States
8 Jun 11
Well thats hard to say for some other person and hard to think about it you have not been in the same situation. I have no idea what I would do. I have never lost a spouse. It might be that they are just so lonely and upset that their person is gone that they need a distraction. And some I am sure had the person that they were already interested in. It might not mean that they were having a relationship with them, But they were interested.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
another good point!
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
26 Jun 11
I think it really depends on the situation. I would like to think there would be a grieving period for my husband if something happened to me. On the other hand, I also understand he is totally useless as far as doing anything in the house like cooking, cleaning or laundry. My choice would be to wait before dating other men if I were alone.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
27 Jun 11
Yes....if not just for the respect factor!
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
7 Jun 11
It is difficult to lay down any rule in this regard. In a situation like you described, it will depend upon the individual. Still, if there could be a gap of 6 to 12 months, it could be better. However, if someone starts dating after 3 months, he cannot be told that you have not complied with the stipulation of minimum time period, hence you should stop. He might say - "it is his life."
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
8 Jun 11
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
For sure!
• United States
8 Jun 11
well there should always be a waiting period i mean your heart needs to heal and you need to be able to separate yourself from your other half slowly because you can never do it in a snap of your fingers i personally waited over a year only because i wasn't ready to start a new specially without her it was hard but time heals all as they say but it doesn't erase the memories but everyone is different in some point or another it will affect them and they will remember but honestly its not best to move on right away
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
I think you are right.
@Bebs08 (10681)
• United States
8 Jun 11
I don't think this man is again in love with somebody else that easily if we base in your statement that he and his wife were inseparable before. I would think that he just need someone to talk to at this moment of his life to alleviate the pain of his loss. You don't know the real score of this man and the woman he was with. Maybe they are just friends? about a waiting period, this depends upon the individual concern and the situation he was into.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
/And I do think that he's the only one that knows how he feels and shouldn't be judged!
1 person likes this
@Bebs08 (10681)
• United States
12 Jun 11
that's what I think too.
@K46620 (1986)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Any answer will be arbitrary, I think at least a year or two- if not more...
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Or whenever they are ready...sometimes its not so cut and dried.
@K46620 (1986)
• United States
15 Jun 11
Yeah, that's why any answer is arbitrary...
• United States
8 Jun 11
In my opinion I think it all comes down to your morale values. I mean its not necessarily bad, nor is it good. If you think that your deceased spouse would want you to move on, and you think you can handle it then you're going to need to do some intense thinking about it. Especially if you were with them for a long time. But personally I don't think I would be able to do it. Well at least not in 3 months that's just crazy. Just tossing in my 2 cents. I hope the out come of the hidden meaning in this message turns out the way you would have hoped for. [:
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
Glad you stopped by.....
• India
9 Jun 11
I think one year would be a fairly reasonable waiting period. Yes if they are lonely.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
10 Jun 11
I think to each their own!
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
7 Jun 11
I think everybody is different. I think the focus shouldn't be on the guy dating again. It should be on the women. This guy is obviously emotionally unstable still, and they might just end up getting hurt. Unless of course they came in eyes-and-arms-wide-open.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
For sure!
@hanuma34 (819)
• India
8 Jun 11
There is no time limit for the situation. Several factors need to be looked into it. The enormity of grief, the social norms, family exigencies and the age factor. If a bereaved person meets another person often it cannot be considered dating straight away. Everyone needs company, sometimes to pour out ones emotions. The need for long-lasting relationship manifests later. Anyway in my country, India, the situation is different. Only few cases may be there when the bereaved person goes for another partner, particularly a widow, if it is. Yet instances are there where remarriages have taken place when the bereavement occurred at an early age, even in cases of young girls. Generally all are arranged marriages. Dating is uncommon, and at times looked at as an immoral act.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
Now I learned something new!
@babyEj (1522)
• Philippines
8 Jun 11
For me, although there shouldn't be a question when he's dating but he should take some cautions on people around him like his children or the family itself. We cope up differently but we should take consider the concerns of out loved ones. I think 6 months is fine.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
I do think it depends on the person.
@chiwasaki (4694)
• Philippines
8 Jun 11
It is difficult for that person to lose someone whom he truly love. Whatever his reasons are we really don't know. Probably he feels so alone and he needs a companion. Or his depression is killing him already and he needs to do that in order to forget. We don't know his pain. He might laugh and smile, pretending he already moved on but deep inside he is already dying in pain.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
Another very good point!
@mythociate (21438)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
7 Jun 11
When you are married, you realize that before you were married you were an incomplete person. And you never want to be an incomplete person ever again. So would you want your still-living spouse to become incomplete after you die? (an incompleteness that is even worse than the incompleteness you had before you knew how it felt to be complete?)
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jun 11
I think it should be up to the individual...who wants to sit around wasting the one life they have to live?
@mend3z (52)
8 Jun 11
I don't think there should be a set time to wait, some people may never want to date again whereas for some people dating could be a way of coping with their loss. It is up to the widow or widower to decide and their decision shouldn't be judged by others.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
8 Jun 11
That is so true!