How would you feel if your wife won't use your name?
By laydee
@laydee (12798)
Philippines
June 8, 2011 7:24pm CST
I asked a friend about a year ago why she didn't change her name into her married name. I think it has become common here in our place for women to no longer carry the name of her husband - but most are still traditional so most still do change.
I was a bit caught off-guard with her answer when she said that it would be easier for her in case they had divorce. Therefore, it was best if she just kept her name.
I mean, what type of a woman would go into marriage thinking this way? They were about a month married the time when I asked her.
Right now, she has confessed to me that they might have a divorce because their fights are becoming too much (she said that unlike before, these days it's with a much higher level - I don't know what she meant by that but she promised me that there hasn't been any physical abuse whatsoever).
At the back of my mind, I think she wasn't really ready to marry the person. She only knew him a few months back and they have been far from each other most of the times because they worked in a country where an unmarried man and woman cannot meet. Perhaps she was just so eager to settle down already because of age, but I don't think she really was into the marriage as much as she would have wanted to.
What do you think? I am not here to judge, everyone has the right to do things. But do what do you think was the matter in this circumstance?
Do you think as friends, one must intervene prior the marriage? I have told her before she decided to marry to not rush into things, but she said she was already sure of him.
Do you think there's hope in this kind of a marriage? if so, what can I do?
Thank you all in advance for the responses.
Have a great MyLot experience!
4 people like this
19 responses
@arnouardian (286)
• United States
9 Jun 11
even though I am man, I like the tendency for woman to use her own name instead of her husband's name after marriage. simply because i believe name is a gift from your parents, so it should not be changed for whatever reason. name is a prayer. name is a hope.
but i dislike her reason to keep name for the easiness of possible divorce process. now that it really happens, it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. it's just not right and weird to think about divorce right before or after marriage. divorce should be the last solution for couple's problem.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
I do agree. Her reason that it would be easier if they are to divorce is something that really bothered me as well. I do believe, like you did, that divorce should be something that should only be considered as the last solution.
Perhaps she's just being negative about things. Perhaps she doesn't think they could work out, so why did she marry in the first place?
1 person likes this
@arnouardian (286)
• United States
9 Jun 11
this is her problems that I (or you also) don't know why she married that guy. i read some of your replies to other people in this thread and you said that she is not a confident person and may have problem with her long distance husband. so, maybe communications problem plays an important role in this divorce.
1 person likes this
@annavi23 (6522)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
Hello laydee! I have seen you are from the Philippines, just like me. But I haven't met any women who are married but not using their husband's surname. Is it really possible to do so, even if you are already married? Well, I just know that when a girl/woman marries a guy, she is obliged to use his surname. You can only use your own surname when you are not married. Is it really possible? 
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
Yes, the new Family Code allows women to retain their names even after marriage. Further, it's possible to have divorce even if you're in the Philippines, it depends on your religion, their religion allows them to have divorce if they want to dissolve the marriage.
So there you go, you are allowed to retain your name.
As far as I know, divorce has not been a bill in the Philippines. Am I right?
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
9 Jun 11
Now women in China don't have to use her husband's name and it has been like this for a long time. My wife uses her name like other married women.
As to your friend mentioned here, I agree with you that they might need to have some time to get to know each other quite well. I wish your friend to enjoy a happy married instead of a to-be-divorced one. Take care, friend.
2 people like this
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
hello laydee,
I also never thought that some woman could do this,since i am used to know our tradition that woman changed her surname to husband's surname after the wedding.
But i've found out there's a lot of changes here in our country for the last decade,including woman who don't use their husband's surname.
I have met few woman in my work who still uses their maiden name,the reasons- for identity.
Okay fine- but i told them,you can always put a - (dash in between) ex-Pokwang Tapia is the maiden name and KATURAY is the husband's-she can put it this way
"Pokwang Tapia- Katuray" (i also do that with my calling cards-for my old friends to identify me easily)
But,my office mates don't agree,and said "it's good not to use,for lesser hassles"
-lesser hassles-as if they assumed the marriage won't lasts? (confusing)
It's their choice anyway,but yes,i am amazed with so much changes.
have a great day 
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
I know. I was shocked too when she told me her reasons for not changing. It just made me ask myself why she'd go through a marriage if she thinks it won't last that long. It just really bothered me, until the time she told me that they may have a divorce.
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
What do I think? my head asked 
me why bother getting married in the first place?. maybe i should just considered Living In with the partner, or have a "friends benefits" thing or have a moment alone with for sometime. Just like my Sister-in-Law where my mom went mad when she got interviewed into a game show that she won but she didn't use my brothers last name. i thought it was an error, but i realized she purposely didn't do it.
If I am thinking of divorce right now, 
i wouldn't bother getting married. if my love one won't take my surname, then she's not ready for marriage no matter what she tells me. basically, she's still opening options for other guys.
me why bother getting married in the first place?. maybe i should just considered Living In with the partner, or have a "friends benefits" thing or have a moment alone with for sometime. Just like my Sister-in-Law where my mom went mad when she got interviewed into a game show that she won but she didn't use my brothers last name. i thought it was an error, but i realized she purposely didn't do it.
If I am thinking of divorce right now, i wouldn't bother getting married. if my love one won't take my surname, then she's not ready for marriage no matter what she tells me. basically, she's still opening options for other guys.2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
Why didn't your sister-in-law use your surname in the first place? Was it that bad? hehehe..
Anyhow, I thought the same when she told me. Like you, I also asked myself why she needed to marry if she's not really ready to commit to the relationship and if she's still thinking about divorce right-then-and-there.
@dream_ozn (1754)
• Singapore
9 Jun 11
I have the same thoughts as you do. When we are married, who would think of having a divorse and that it would be easier in case there's a divorce? It really don't make sense to me.
I feel this women does not even have the heart to marry her husband. I feel pity for her husband. I believe two people should get married and that they would want to be with each other forever. Ever one is afraid of having a divorce and would try to eliminate that thought from our brain, Not think of how to make it easier.
Definitely, we are not here to judge things, neither do we have the right to do so. But still, it's kind of shocking. I mean, the woman should not have married this guy if she does not think they both can having eternal love. It simply tell me that she don't love him.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
As far as I could remember her, she has always been the kind of person who was negative. She is negative because of having no confidence in herself or her abilities.
I think she's been like that ever since I have known her, all the worst when she was with someone for several years, her self-confidence just went out the roof with that guy and when he broke her heart, I guess she lost the hope of ever finding someone to love her. Then when she went out of the country to work, she was telling me that she needs to find a husband soon because she might no longer be able to bear kids. Before I knew it, she was announcing to be married to this guy.
I don't really know, but I'm praying that they would try to talk to each other and settle things. They already have a baby now and I think they have problems adjusting yet because of the short time they have been together. But I'm hoping that things would be better soon.
Thank you for the response. Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
1 person likes this
@dream_ozn (1754)
• Singapore
11 Jun 11
I too hope that she and her husband will have a happy life. But it seems like she is just transferring every thing from her ex boyfriend to her current husband. It does not sound good when one party in a relationship is unable to believe in herself and does not have confidence in their marriage.
It makes things even more complicated now that they have a baby. I always believe women should be independent and be able to depend on ourselves. It's easy to say, but definitely difficult to act upon it. I just hope that this guy whom she married really loves her and would try to encourage her and give her more self-confidence.
@youless (112108)
• Guangzhou, China
9 Jun 11
Here we don't have a custom to change our surname after getting married. But I try to imagine this case. If I were a man, I would not mind if my wife didn't use my surname. She can keep her own surname. It will be so troublesome if she replaces her surname with mine. Her certificates, bank accounts etc. will be different after marriage. All of these important information has to change. It seems to be another new one. I wonder whether it needs some explanation like if she goes to the bank or have a job interview.
I love China
@shaggin (71664)
• United States
9 Jun 11
Wow that seems to me like a bad attitude when going into a marriage as well. Nothing like assuming you wont stay together. If you think there is any positibility that you will get a divorce down the road then you shouldnt bother getting married at all you know! Doesnt make much sense to me. When I got married I took on my husbands name and that is how we both liked it.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
9 Jun 11
I got married back in 1976. I didnt want to use HIS name and decided to keep my name. It wasnt very fashionable at that time and I had a few problems. My bank said I couldnt keep my name and they HAD to change it to my husband's name. I closed my account and went to another bank. 
My ex husband (yes we're not together anymore) didnt mind.
Here in Canada, if you go to the hospital or if you do anything legally, you need to use your maiden name. So it would be too complicated to use your husband's name.
Im happy I didnt use his name when I got married because we divorced soon after.....not not because of the name thing.
Im afraid theres nothing you can do for her unless he beats her and then you can call the police. Marriage is between 2 people, not 3.
My ex husband (yes we're not together anymore) didnt mind.
Here in Canada, if you go to the hospital or if you do anything legally, you need to use your maiden name. So it would be too complicated to use your husband's name.
Im happy I didnt use his name when I got married because we divorced soon after.....not not because of the name thing.
Im afraid theres nothing you can do for her unless he beats her and then you can call the police. Marriage is between 2 people, not 3.1 person likes this
@moirai (2836)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
The reason she gave is very disturbing...
To tell you the truth, this is one reason why I do not like divorce to be legalized. Some see it as an easy way out. So what happens is that they think it's ok to rush into marriage, they don't take it seriously, anyway there's always divorce. Another thing is that, when the problems come, they give up easily. They don't make as much effort to make things work as opposed to when divorce is not available as an option.
I think you did enough before the marriage. All you can really do then is to advice her not to rush into things. And it is ultimately her choice if she follows this advice or not.
For now, there may still be hope. Encourage her to try to work things out, and not give up on the marriage too easily.
Hope things work out! =)
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
10 Jun 11
That's just it, I too was bothered and it's also my point as to why divorce shouldn't be legalized. I mean, just look at her, even when newly married she's already thinking that if ever it doesn't work out, they would just have divorce.
I know people are not the same but I doubt you wouldn't feel divorce as an option should things go out the window in your marriage.
It's really sad.
@Asilrose (24)
• Canada
9 Jun 11
For me it was important to change my name after marriage, to honor my husband and to ensure myself, husband and children all had the same last name as a family. I was proud to do it - and spent hours practicing writing out my new name and title (Mrs.) like a little girl. One Mylotter wrote it is easier "not to" and I have friends who are the same - but in my experience, things that take some effort are often more worthwhile and face it - marriage is not easy. I think your friend who thought it would be easier after divorce - perhaps was getting married for the wrong reasons? Marriage for Marriage sake? Get one under the belt? afraid of being a spinster - rather than a divorcee? I think perhaps as a society people are encouraged to be individuals at the expense of the whole. As for what friends can do about it? Stay out of it. Offering an opinion is great, but ultimately - people need to make their own decisions - learn from mistakes - grow as human beings. Is there hope?in this kind of marriage? There is always hope... but only if they both try.. and that is up to them no matter what name they go by. (lots of cliches come to mind, "you get what you give" "reap what you sow" "what comes around goes around" - I could go on and on...) Good luck to them!
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
10 Jun 11
I know that I can't do anything about it anymore, neither could I say something that could help them out, however, I can't say I'm not affected by the situation of my friend. I just can't believe people could do life decisions without even thinking about it.
Anyhow, she saw the scenario beforehand and I don't think she could really put the blame on us for not stopping her.
@honeymalen (115)
• Philippines
9 Jun 11
hi laydee me too i am not using my husband last name, first i need to start again from the start like special paper's for example my license, passport etc.... and i need to spent money to change my last name, and my husband does'nt care also, unless we will go home to philippines, but for me i rather not to change also, because i have an application in other country so my old documents should be the same before, and other things some of my friends would not be recognized me if i changed my last name, and also the last name of my husband does not sounds good....hehehehehehe,that's also the other reason
1 person likes this
@way2vision (613)
• Canada
9 Jun 11
Well, I personally would try to persuade her to use my name. I believe its more than just tradition. I believe it's one way to honor the marriage as she said, yes, and I do to you. Though females are the only ones that have "mitochondrial eve", a DNA that is passed down through descendants, something that men don't have, they should at least allow our names to be passed along.
But my main point is, that it is a way to honor the marriage as she said yes, and I do to you. Unless of course she proposed to you.
Cheers
1 person likes this
@dexterousratul (2)
•
9 Jun 11
I think the relationship of husband & wife is best lovely relation. They share their happiness & sorrow each other in whole life. I think wife must should use her husband name if she satisfied with her husband. Really i feel every wife should use her husband name because they are life partner.
thanks.
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
10 Jun 11
My wife uses her own name and so it is with other married Chinese women. It is acceptable to us. I think that it is natural and good for married women to still use their own names.
@leduythuc030691 (29)
•
9 Jun 11
In my country, there is nothing like wife should use husband's name. They have their own freedom, and no one can told them to change or use their husband's name. But here is the problem, if you love your wife, really love her, why don't you let her decide what to do. I learn that when we love someone, really love, we always wish the best thing for he/she, we happy because he/she happy, we let he/she get their dreams, we help them to be whatever they want to be. So you if you still ask something like this, maybe you don't know what is a beautiful real love!
1 person likes this
