is it worth it
By verolop29
@verolop29 (1096)
United States
August 10, 2011 8:47am CST
Being a wife i thought is gonna be easy. I guess i thought that because I saw how my mom and day were. She cleaned and cooked and he bought home the bacon! So I never thought this was gonna happen to me, but lo and behold it did happen to me, when i least expected it! And thats the joy of it!!
Except now i wanna be the one to bring in the bacon too and I think that if i dont...he wont consider me an equell...u know? Are there any MyLotters that can relate?
I was online last night and I came across this article about the habbits that can sink a marriage...Have anyone read this little peice yesterday about marrage. I did and it was an eye-opener for me. U see, we dont talk the way married couples talk. we dont fight like married couples and I want to but he doesnt want to. i think he gets enough of that at his job...I dont think we're a normal couple but whos keeping tabs? they say that couples who argue and fight were less likly to divorce later on and those that didnt(which is us) will likey end in divorce. Will likely...is not a definate. Dont get me wrong, Im not gonna let some expert predict that my marriage is going to end in DIVORCE! Sure we dont talk or kiss each other every day but we do love each other.
I do wish things were differnt between us. I did open up to him about what pleases me and what doesn't. Did it process in his brain? NO! He had bigger issues he needs to deal with. When he tell me something, anything do i listen? YES! He wanted me to clean better and to cook. I did it. It REALLY FRUSTRATES me when he does that! I feel like im single..but married, u know?!I do EVERYTHING here..cook,clean,raising the kids. I have no time for me but thats ok. I can deal with it.I just dont want to feel like a ticking timebomb u know?! But i'd rather be that than single SINGLE!!
2 people like this
6 responses
@dlpierce (495)
• United States
13 Aug 11
He's very much like my husband was for years. He never helped out with kids or housekeeping even though I worked as many hours outside the home as he did. It wasn't until late in life when he found himself laid off from a job he held over thirty years that he began to see just how much I had always had to do myself. He said out of the blue, "How did you do it when the kids were here?" My reply was " I didn't do it, that's why I was always behind on housework. Most of the time I was exhausted when I got home from work and had hours yet to put in at home." He is back to work now, but that year he was laid off did us both good. He helps with cooking, does dishes, does laundry, and sometimes cleans. I wish he had woke up sooner. When our marriage was young we often disagreed, but seldom argue now. Perhaps a part-time job would serve you better than full time. I wished I could have done part-time when the kids were home. Hours vary on the job I hold now which seems to work better for me.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9460)
• United States
13 May 12
I'm so glad to hear that your husband had finally come to appreciate all that you have done. I know that it has been very frustrating for me to do literally everything with no help from my husband. Like your husband was my husband doesn't help with the house work or very much with our daughter. It is really daunting on a wife as we could use a little or for them to say that they appreciate what we are doing. It would have been great if he would have woke up sooner. I think that my husband will not realize how that I do unless we aren't together anymore. Which unfortunately I have a feeling all of his unthankful attitude and his inability to spend time with us is going to lead to that.
@Dominique25 (9460)
• United States
20 Aug 11
I completely understand where you are coming from. A lot of the time I feel that I can't win. When I'm working my normal hours it seems like he complains that we need money. But when I had two jobs he complained that the one job was just paying for gas. I did read that article I thought that it was interesting. My husband and I don't have huge arguements but we do disagree from time to time. I don't know if I think not argueing is better than arguing. Because sometimes I think our disagreements cause problems. I do feel the same as you I wish that things could improve and get better. But I often feel that I'm the only one working on it. Most of the time he doesn't take things seriously, and doesn't feel we have problems. When I talk to my husband and about how I feel it seems to go in one hear and out the other. He doesn't try to make improves in himself or adjustments that would benefit our marriage. I think that is a big problem because when we aren't willing to change it's hard to make a success of the marriage. I do a lot for our family I work part time second shift, Work third shift online (that's when our little girl sleeps the most) and then I'm up with her through out the day. Cleaning the home and taking care of necessary things and trying to get a few hours of sleep. Try not to get to stressed out, I know it's hard not to do. Especially when we don't feel understood. Hopefully things will improve for you.
@Dominique25 (9460)
• United States
4 May 12
Hi! I was looking through some of my old discussions and responses and I can't believe how fast time goes by. How are you and your husband doing? It has been nine months since we had our last conversation. And it seems like for the most part I'm in the same situation I was then. I have talked to my husband and told him some things that I need him to work on in order for our relationship to work. He says that he wants our relationship to work now I just would like to see the actions behind the words.I would like to see that he values our marriage as much as I do and that he would put forth effort to keep me in my life. Because I'm really getting tired of the same old thing. I want our marriage to be better and he has to do his part.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
5 May 12
wha..?nine months??? WOW!! time really does fly..
but to answer ur question it has improved a little but not much. He still doesn't help and he stoped helping me altogether. he's like if i have to help i wont give u ur allowence. So i was like noooo ur not! Then outta the blue my ex from prison got released, he started helping me...doing what i wanted my husband to do like help around the house and the laundry and folding and i tell u, its gets done alot faster when someone helps! my husband acts weird when he sees him at his house helping 'his wife' in 'his house'..hehe! i just laugh a little when i see him get that way!! A few times I didnt wash his clothes(bcuz he told me not to) and I did everyone else' except his and he was like where are my clothes and i told him what he told me and he called me a lier! i just let it go..i told him cuz i was really angry WASH UR OWN F'N CLOTHES, COOK UR OWN F'N FOOD because im quit. so he wears dirty clothes. im not gonna be his mother. i was like that for 8 yrs. not anymore. and i told him. and for a whole week he gave me the silent treatment so i left him and stayed with friends in another state. he didnt miss me.
u see he is almost 50 and im 30 so alot of the time i just dont think he gets me the way my guy friend does and i told him so, he just shrugs his sholders and idk about u or him but to me that tells me he doesn't care.
but im dealing with it. sometimes its not so bad. sometimes i think he loves our kids more than me. and thats great. we didnt exactly get married while we were in the 'love bubble' he had to marry me bcuz his parents made him bcuz he knocked me up.
if u have access to his funds and u know there will be more than enough to cover the bills and whatnot take a liitle more out and when he asks tell him the truth. that u took it out because ur trying to get thru to him and this is like the only way u can make him see things ur way! i used to do that. maybe i should start doing that again.
but i think we outted those who did get married for love...FYI-for those who did marry for love and stayed together yayyyy! but i mean no disrespect =D
1 person likes this
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
20 Aug 11
yes ur sooo right about that. we r soo different not only age wise but the way we think and do everyday things. he stresses about no having enough money to cover this or that but we're fine. I have lived on nothing but beans and rice for yrs bcuz we had no money and sometimes i wouldn't eat. i know what its like to be poor and be starving and get beaten and abused. I wish for none of that on my family. My hubby NEVER had to go thru that. he had parents who loved each other i didn't. I have no idea how to be a wife, i just be myself and sometimes being myself gets to him-in a bad way. Now that he's outof work he helps but he doesnt' eppreciate what i do. but i guess he does appreactiate it in his own way. im used to holding in emotions. alot. i know i shouldn't but its a hard habbit to break. u know, i do sooo much, and at the end of the day im too dang tired to care for myself..i took my 1st shower in 4 days! And now he wants me to hang clothes, im gonna tell him that he better help me! or it doesnt get done! ill tell u how that goes!lol
@se7enthbird (8307)
• Philippines
10 Aug 11
it is sad to see couple end up like that. you started very sweet and caring for each other then one day when you look back you see the relationship falling apart. i am no expert but as you said you no longer talk, no kiss. you love each other but the relationship looks like it is hanging on a thread. i guess the most important is communication, if there is no communication how will you know what your husband feels and how will he know what you feel. why not try to sit down and talk about whats going on. me and my wife never runs out of something to talk about. we still laugh at each others joke and talk about anything under the sun. of ocurse we still have our won ups and downs but we want to take that ups and down ho=ildong each others hands. good luck.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
10 Aug 11
with that being said, I wouldn't change anything...well maybe id change our age difference.. but thats it! It's like he acts more like a father than a husband sometimes. I could understand y he doesnt want to do the deed in the company of our kids but i could be creative but he doesn't want to. so i have to take care of myself in that way. and we do what u and ur wife do-we laugh at each others jokes and make fun of ourselves or at least i do! but that only happens maybe once a week twice if im lucky. And im very leinient with him too. like he's sloppy but i dont say anything about it to him. but if its the other way around...he'll curse and say hurtful nasty things to me. and i just leave the house for hours and i tell myself it's gotta be ok...at least he didn't hit me lol! and thank u for this!
@se7enthbird (8307)
• Philippines
10 Aug 11
my wife is a stay at home wife too, she is the one who takes care of the house and our child. but she do a lot of things to earn money as well. she makes personalize pillows and sell it on the net. sometimes when i take a look at my paypal account she has bigger inputs than me har har har. she still go out with friends if she wanted to and always makes the point that i share chores in the house. i think if you bring communication back then i guess things will be better. life is short enjoy things with the one you love. thanks for the best response.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
20 Aug 11
some of us are more talented than others, Im not really talented,if i were to start sewing, itll be a big distaster lol! I will try to be more open to my hubby but sometimes i think he's not interested in what i have to say. we r complete oposites. im young he's...not so young, he had a degree and i dont...and other things too. sometimes i try to conver with him and hes like clueless as to what i say. im gonna try all i can and keep at it no matter what!
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Aug 11
Well only you can decide if it's worth it. But if he's not listening to what you're saying and what's important to you, I see a problem right there.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Aug 11
Well you can't change him. You can only change you. Maybe you can find a way of talking to him that will get his attention. I hope...
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
10 Aug 11
yea i just dont know how i can fix it. my motto for this is this: u can try and try to talk with him. heck, u can preach to c chior but that dont mean theyre listening. or that they are going to listen.
1 person likes this
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
20 Aug 11
yea maybe i can loose a few clothes...or some pounds...but he said he loves me the way i am. sometimes i get the feeling he doesnt..but thats me. its a working progress tho! how do u appeal to his bette nature?
@eurekafemme (5874)
• Philippines
10 Aug 11
Hi there, Verolop.
We are on the same boat. I am a full time Mum taking care of my two kids(got 4 but the other two stay with my parents in the province while me and my two other daughters are living in the city with my husband). I do practically everything in the house, laundry, cooking, housecleaning, babysitting, name and I have done it. It has been like this for almost three years now. Though my husband is the one earning and bringing in the bacon, which is truly sufficient for all of us, there are times that I am not happy about it.
Staying here in my quarter with the kids while husband is working makes me happy but there are things I want to do for myself, for self enhancement and staying productive and mentally active, perhaps. I wanted to go back to working again, meet other people and spend money that I am the one who labored for it. Sometimes, it is so dull in here that I feel suffocated. And the chores make me feel so tired and depress, doing the same thing every day seems an agonizing pain. It doesn't help that my husband is a boring companion, a slob and lazy when he's home...
Sometimes, going out , meeting other people could be healthy for us, stay at home wives/mums.
Why don't you try talking to your husband about how you feel. Say, telling him you want to work. That's what I am contemplating of discussing with my husband once we get the chance to really talk... Goodluck to you. Stay happy.
We are on the same boat. I am a full time Mum taking care of my two kids(got 4 but the other two stay with my parents in the province while me and my two other daughters are living in the city with my husband). I do practically everything in the house, laundry, cooking, housecleaning, babysitting, name and I have done it. It has been like this for almost three years now. Though my husband is the one earning and bringing in the bacon, which is truly sufficient for all of us, there are times that I am not happy about it.
Staying here in my quarter with the kids while husband is working makes me happy but there are things I want to do for myself, for self enhancement and staying productive and mentally active, perhaps. I wanted to go back to working again, meet other people and spend money that I am the one who labored for it. Sometimes, it is so dull in here that I feel suffocated. And the chores make me feel so tired and depress, doing the same thing every day seems an agonizing pain. It doesn't help that my husband is a boring companion, a slob and lazy when he's home...
Sometimes, going out , meeting other people could be healthy for us, stay at home wives/mums.
Why don't you try talking to your husband about how you feel. Say, telling him you want to work. That's what I am contemplating of discussing with my husband once we get the chance to really talk... Goodluck to you. Stay happy.@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
10 Aug 11
OMG! it feels good reading something that can relate to me! I have been doing this my whole life! I helped raise my brothers and 5 sis(2 brothers) and then this! I had to grow up very fast at the age of 3 yrs but one day i will be happy! dont get me wrong i love my kids and my husband very much!...but i just have some days where i just want them to disapear. I had 2 very special friends now they're gone. he did it. now my best friend wants to be with me and our kids and he feels threatened by him. i told him he has nothing to worry about but its like he's not hearing me. I sooo want to talk to him again but my hubby forbade it. i am also working on going out and meeting other ppl like us....
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
For me yes but your husband don't notice to show you good and love to shown just talked to him so that he knows what the best in you for now that you are very Bessy small appreciation is good.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
4 May 12
I have talked to him, many times in fact, but i dont think he listens to me. Lately thou..now that I think of it..he has given me at least one day out of the week for myself but he has cut my allowence to half. And I also worked but i got fired because of his schedual. i have to work when he's not working, u see. im sure he does apprecieate what i do but i guess he has his own way of showing it...
