Is this man a coward ?!

China
August 17, 2011 2:24am CST
Hello, this story is a bit long, and apologise for my grammar, but I want someone to hear my story and give some comments... I met a man six months ago and we started sending each other emails. He invited me out for a coffee and we continued to have dinner together. After a while, we started dating but I wasn't sure about where we are going because he is 8 years older than me. In my opinion, for a man in his mid-thirties, he must have dated a lot of woman and yet not married, either could be he is not going to get married or he hasn't met the right one. As our dating goes on, I began to know he had many girl friends before and some of them are nice and he has been through sad times breaking up with them. But his reason is always they are not suitable for each other, e.g.life style, personality. After dating for 5 month, he told me he is going to resign his current job, which is a well-paid job in finance, he is going to do something completely different, to start his own business. The thing is he is going to move to another city because the business environment is the best for his business idea. He said to me" baby, I have to let you go. I just want to enjoy the time with here." When I hear that, I am like" this is it, this is how he breaks with his ex-girlfriends!" But I know there is no need to struggle if a man doesn't want to hold you for long volunteerly. I said" you just got to do what you want to do". Then there came a business trip for me, I told him I'd leave for a month the day before the business trip started. When he hear this sudden news, he was a bit sad. We kept in touch by message and he wanted to meet up when I came back. At that time when I was back, he had returned his flat and so he stayed at my place for a few days. The few days with him were really sweet. One night he came back after his goodbye night with his mates, he got really drunk and said to me"baby i want you, i want you 100%. I don't want other people to take care of you, I want to take of you!". I was really confused and when he woke up I asked him if he could remember what he said last night. He said he couldn't remember and didn't want to know what exactly he said:( I say to myself" damn you, what a coward you are, can't even face what you feel?!" Before he left, he tried to ask me "after I leave, will you....?" I was like" will I what?" He said "nahh, nothing". Then I asked" Should I find a new boyfriend?" He said" it's up to you, but you know, if you do I will not be happy"...... Now he's gone, he said want to keep in touch by email and I said I will update him with my life, but I just can't do it, I am thinking maybe not contacting each other is better for me....afterall, the hope to be together is not so much.... what do you say? Should I email him and ask him how's his new life. I don't even know what to call him to begin with, "baby"? ...
8 responses
himzey
@himzey (1321)
• India
17 Aug 11
Wow ! Man! That guy is confused. He is too busy searching for a right match, that he wouldn't recognize it even if it would be right under his nose. He needs to realize that you cant have anything perfect in this world. You've got to take chances. Its like he wants something but is not willing to speak it out. And when not delivered with his needs he moves on from one girl to another, hoping that someone would give him what he is searching for. Problem is that he is not clear in his thoughts, and doesn't even know what is he searching for. Strike a casual conversation. Make him speak it out. Try to make him realize that he needs some stability in life; some peace of mind. If he does, he'll surely be able to take more affirmative decisions. All the best. :)
1 person likes this
Valentin
@wmraul (2552)
• Bucharest, Romania
17 Aug 11
To me, he does not looks like a confused man. While involved - clearly involved - into a relationship, he did plan opening a new business on his own, plan it in full details the new biz, including quit current job plus find out that another town is fit for that business plus plan the trip and the opening plus many other details ... Well, excuse me, THIS do not a resume of a confused person. More likely shows a man who PLANED everything all a long.
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@ himzey I am not sure if he is confused. Before we started dating, I asked him would he want to get married, he said yes and wanted to make her mother proud of him.That is why I started involving in this relationship with him in the first place. After he told me he is going to let me go, I asked my close friend that whether this man is serious, afterall he had too many relationships, and my friend told me the same thing that he has been too busy searching and yet doesn't know how to judge and choose anymore. I told him what my friend said, and he said" I never intend..." with no further words. I understand he meant he never intend to engage in a serious long relationship. At that moment I am clear that this man is not the one for me. But it's just the last few days with him, his behaviour makes me feel he needs me. He said"you are the greatest""I can give you anything!"...but damn it, it's all drunkn words!!! He can't remember what he said and not willing to remember!
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@wmraul Yes, he is really organised and well planned person, I can tell from his life habit. But I guess we are humans afterall, emotion is the hardest one to plan... He might be good at planning his business, he could be dumb in planning his emotional life. I agree that it's very likely he planned everything including just dating me for a few months and leave, just taking some advantages, but the way he acts while we were about to be apart makes me wonder could this time he really feels something, deeper than he expected. I showed him my new pocket photo album, and he asked if he could take some, I said yes, and he immediately put the photos into his wallet!! I wasn't expecting that, really...I said why you want my photos, we are going to be apart, he said "I probably will be quite lonely while I am starting my business, better to keep some of your photos with me". I was like"but I never see you keep your ex-girlfriends stuff" and he said "it depends"..haha so I guess he kept other girls' too... but I guess you've gotten my point here. Do you think what I thougt makes sense?
Valentin
@wmraul (2552)
• Bucharest, Romania
17 Aug 11
To be honest, I think you are not sure what you want also, while he is looking for his "half" doing everything possible not to find. You said you question yourself as he is a bit older (well, not so important if you ask me) ...but in the end you accepted him as .. he is. Now, really, it seems you were together several months, in this time was no clue he is not willing to share a life time? Even more: he planed to quit job and start his own business while he was dating you - this mean he told you with huge black letters on white sheets: "you are not part of my future". To me the case is clear: he say "next, please". You should say the same.
Valentin
@wmraul (2552)
• Bucharest, Romania
17 Aug 11
Hehe, Ginna, try to get this: We, men, we have the DNA of our ancestrals - we like the hunting more than we like the result of hunting. We NEED the pray but we want and we like the HUNT. It's our in-blood heritage. We want to digg, to discover, to find, to watch, to spy, to follow .. and to catch but we know that once we catch the pray, pleasure will go. We try to make it last longer by making stories, by playing on the edge. But the general characteristic, the final, the last, the end result, the ultimate move: we will leave the pray half eated and start hunting that new-in-town-younger-long-legs-and-short-skirt-gazelle .. This is our way, and some will now read and will rush to say "not me, I am faithfully ever to my "pray" bla bla bla. After one will say that, will close mylot and browse to triple x something ... So, you are gonna say "sheet, then is nothing to do, is right, all men are pigs .." Wrong. The proof is right out there, with more than 50% of world wide couples which have not divorced and live nice and easy. Some of them go up to diamond marriage celebration (50 years together; 10 years = silver, 25 years = gold, 40 = platinum). How? Is that guy special? Hell, no. SHE new how to play the pray role all her life. Wana keep a guy with you? Well, if he is REALLY interested into you, be his permanent pray. Make him fight for you. Make him struggle to keep trying to conquer you, make him ... love you more and more despite you become less and less attractive (age work against beauty) So, now you know the recipe. Add water and make the soup ..
haopee
@haopee (493)
• Philippines
18 Aug 11
Hehe. Agreed. The thrill of the chase is the reward, not the "chasee". Men tend to get bored to submissiveness even when most of them don't admit it.
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@wmraul can't deny that I wasn't very sure what I want either. But for me, every relationship starts with trying, and see how it goes, and then knowing if he is the one. Through the dating, I started to accept him as he is and find out he is a good person and a sweetheart. I was protective in the first place, but as time goes, I started to like him more and more. This is a girl's way to love if you can understand, tending to be protective at first and then becoming more open. I asked him"what do you think about my life in 5yrs time?" He said" you probably will be married and expecting your first kid, with a better man than me....just kidding" so I guess you are right about the conclusion that" you are not part of my future". He has done this way too many times with his ex-girlfriends. I can't say he's never hurt, he's through hard times breaking up with them, just like this time with me. It's just what's his damn problem..how can I fix him?!He can't go on like this, when will he stop?!
1 person likes this
MandaLee
@MandaLee (3804)
• United States
17 Aug 11
Hi Ginna, I don't think he is confused at all. I think the man is giving you mixed messages which is completely disrespectful of and unfair to you. You don't have to tolerate his behavior. There are other men out there who will want to treat you well and show you respect.
himzey
@himzey (1321)
• India
17 Aug 11
I agree.. ;)
sweetmary86
@sweetmary86 (822)
• Philippines
17 Aug 11
for sure this guy is wimpy and is lame...and mybe hes just unconmfortable with girls and commitment issues. maybe hes not ready yet..cuz if a guy really wants u nothing can keep him away and if he doesnt then nothing can make him stay i think
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@sweetmary86 Hello sweetmary, I think you have very wise attitude. I think I never had problem attracting man, it's just how to make them want to commit troubles me...
shrijsr
@shrijsr (574)
• Bangalore, India
17 Aug 11
Hello Ginna Sad to hear that the guy is so confused with his life and thoughts. The worst thing is that, you know that he needs you and you still have not been asked for it when he was in his minds. I feel really bad for that. But yes, do not lose hope. Now you know that the guy really wants you and he is just confused and a little bit of a coward to confess and get into the next step of the relationship, then go ahead and mail him. Speak everything straight and try getting him realize what he is being doing all his life. There is no harm in trying. Yes, that doesn't confirm you that he will be yours forever, but then, you will not have a regret in your life that you never made him understand or you never let him understand. Just imagine, you give up today and after another 5yrs, the guy realizes and he comes back to you, then who knows whether you are still single or married to somebody else. Tomorrow is totally unpredictable! Just give it a try. After all, even if things doesn't go well, somewhere at the corner of your heart, you will know that it is not your mistake. Just strike the conversation and see if the guy realizes, make him understand that commitment is not all that bad. Its just the next step to a peaceful life. I am sure he will realize, still if the guy doesn't seem to understand, then its time to move on my girl. Sometimes its difficult to stick on to people who doesn't even make an attempt to understand. Whatever it is, whatever happen, be assertive, life has to move on. All the best.
shrijsr
@shrijsr (574)
• Bangalore, India
17 Aug 11
mm that's right. You can't just offer yourself to him. If that's the case, then you will have to find some ways to get over him. I don't know what to say exactly. But i really feel so bad about your situation. The guy is just not ready for any commitments and you can't trust him in anything that he'll change his views. I can just say, All The Best!
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@shrijsr Hi Shrijsr, thanks for your encourging words:) I think you are very brave and very optimistic also. It's actually quite clear that he's made his decision that at the moment we are going to be apart and he doesn't believe in long-distance relationship. He thinks it's not gonna work. Actually, I think in reality, long-distance relationship merely survive, the ones survived are definately in a relationship for a long time before they are apart, so they can trust and communicate with each other very well. Or those ones we are really sure they've found the one for their life. If I email him trying to get him into the next step of commitment, the keeping of hte relationship is gonna be tough. I guess that is what he concerns too. And the time being is tough too, he is going to put all his energy into starting his first business, gonna be challenging. Trying to sort out a commitment matter he'd be not comfortable to deal with in the first place seems impossible......honestly, I am not defensing him...I still feel sad that he never asked me about my future plans..maybe I would like to move with him, who knows...but he is not willing to do so...and I can't just offer myself to him like" I can go with you", it's too cheap! Well, it's just really sad knowing him likes me and not being able to stay together...
francesca5
@francesca5 (1344)
•
17 Aug 11
i am not an expert on this. but he sounds like a man who plays games with women, and i think it just gets to be a habit, and the game is probably exciting, and maybe he enjoys the game more than he wants love, and a good relationship. which is sad, but only expensive therapy or a road to damascus like moment can solve the problem. there could be many reasons for this, but in the end you need to look after yourself, and accept its not your fault he doesn't want to committ, but his. and move on.
Ginna1229
@Ginna1229 (9)
• China
17 Aug 11
@francesca5 Can't agree more, a man likes to play games probably fits him well. But if you can win the heart of a man like this, he would be yours forever. Expensive therapy sounds painful...yet could be the solution I agree. Question is Who to give him the therapy? I am sure he has been dumped before as well...what is more painful therapy? I never thought it's my fault that he doesn't want to commit. I just don't know how should I treat this relationship.I don't hate him, I just don't know whether I should forget about him and not contacting him completely or just stay in touch with him as I promised.... :(
francesca5
@francesca5 (1344)
•
17 Aug 11
the problem is only you know him, i can give sensible advice like leave him alone and find someone better, but of course i don't know him. the only advice i would really strongly give is just make sure that he doesn't hurt you, and that it doesn;t turn into a relationship which it is all about power, and he tries to gain it at your expense. because relationships like that can be stressful and not good. but apart from that, as long as you don't put yourself at risk in that way you have to go with what feels right.
pibi713
@pibi713 (187)
• China
17 Aug 11
There is somthing wrong with him. He is in the mid of his thirties, which is not a young age, but he didin't get married with any of the many girls he dated even though some of the girls were very nice. Is he afraid of making any commitment? Or maybe some other hidden reasons. Anywany he is not a good choice for marriage. Since you broke up, it is better that you don't cantact him.
haopee
@haopee (493)
• Philippines
18 Aug 11
LOL at your last sentence Ginna. Serious mode, I bet he's unsure of his feelings with you. People who are drunk tend to be lax with their consciousness which is why they tend to say things they don't really want to admit. On the other hand, there are people who take advantage of pretending that their really drunk when in actuality they aren't. He sounds like a man who doesn't want to be committed through marriage or even a relationship. They usually say non-compatibility and such but that depends on exactly how many people they've dated. My tip, sure email him. If he gets emotional on emails, enjoy your communication but don't get sucked in. If he really wanted he and you to be together he should've told you seriously before he left or at least let out his feelings in a non-drunken state.