Embarrashing, shameless or self secure?
By WakeUpKitty
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
Netherlands
August 27, 2011 2:51am CST
When do you feel embarrased? When shameless (without any shame)?
Are these feelings forced upon us by society or do we have low self esteem if we feel like that?
There was a tv commercial.. one lady shouted on the street to the other one, waiting at the busstop, Hey I didn't know you are pregnant again (she was not she just gained more weight).
I met a neighbour at the supermarket and told her how great she looks and I loved her hairdress. She told me it's a wig since she is bold because of chemo. So it always looks great.
I did not feel embarrased neither did she. Am I shameless? Is she?
Or are we both full of self esteem and (just) self secure people?
3 responses
@Awinds (2468)
• United States
27 Aug 11
In the case of your friend and you, you are just secure people. She went through cancer for God's shake and she can't help being bald! Why should she be ashamed of something that is totally not her fault or choice? She found a solution and she is going out in public - she should be proud.
As for you, you were being honest. Her hair looked good and that is that. In the context of your opinion, whether the hair was real or not was of no importance. You should not be ashamed for complimenting it. You should not be ashamed of not knowing details that there was no way for you to know beforehand!
I do indeed think society in the form of social norms has a great impact on what inspires shame. In American culture, long hair is defined as beautiful and normal. Short is is the norm for men. A woman with very short hair may feel shame because she does not meet the social norms and society will let her know about that. Despite the talk of progress, we still live in an intolerant, norm loving world. With that rigid way comes the concepts of shame and shameless.
However some shame is not inspired by society. Let us use the example of a mother who abandons her infant in a dumpster. It is love and instinct, it is universal - a mother cares for her children. So of course a mother will feel shame and guilt for abandoning her child. This is not socially inspired - it is natural shame.
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
• Netherlands
27 Aug 11
thanks for your respond Awinds. It surely is of help of me.
I never found myself shameless or so.. but that is what people say of me.
I honestly wanted to make her a compliment, she did look great (chemo is stopped now so she does feels better and was shining in my eyes).
I agree with you she doesn't feel ashamed about the wig or telling me, so our conversation was from both sides open and honest.
Interesting I find your part about "not inspired by society" the example of the mom who abandons her child.
A hard subject I don't know what to think about. I believe there are mom's who abandon their child because they don't see an other way to take good care of them.
Do they feel shame, relieved or secure they did the best thing for their child even it breaks their heart?
Also I am not that sure about the natural instinct of every mother. I do honestly believe there are mothers who feel nothing for their child (or perhaps have no feelings at all?). If this is so? Should they be ashamed about the feeling they don't have? And if so.. isn't this forced up by society also? Because we all find it normal a mother is caring, sacraficing herself in every way in the name of love?
@Awinds (2468)
• United States
27 Aug 11
That's true - there will always be exceptions to the rule. Our society has embraced the mother's instinct and make it the norm. However let me adjust the example: let us say our mother is somewhere in Somali desert by herself with her child. Resources get tight and she abandons that child. There is no society around to instigate her feeling of shame but it still comes. Should she feel shame for doing what she had to to do? I really don't know. :)
However it does seem that shame is a natural emotion to us - like fear, anger or happiness. It just has a habit of coming to the surface more frequently because of society.
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
• Netherlands
27 Aug 11
I think you are right and shame is a natural emotion, just like fear and anger.
They all do come more on the surface because of society (education) and probably also the person's character has a role in it.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
27 Aug 11
Maybe it is, maybe it is not self-security, only you would know. Come to think of it, I haven't been to the supermarket lately. I have to buy some stuff too.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
27 Aug 11
I feel ashamed when I mention something that people are very obviously embarrassed by, for example their weight or maybe something about their family. I have learned now that I should think really carefully before saying anything, because sometimes you'll upset people when you certainly don't mean to do anything like that at all. I have fallen out with a lot of people in my time because either they said something that made me embarrassed, or I said something that made them embarrassed. You can't win sometimes.
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
• Netherlands
27 Aug 11
It's not about winning, but I do understand what you mean.
The older you get the more you watch your words. Personally I don't do that because people might not like me or I feel ashamed or embarred, but I also don't feel the need to hurt them on purpose.
Although it's seems to me it's harder and harder not to hurt people. Many of them have a lot of life experiences far of positive. That makes it difficult to respond objective and trust you on your word :-(
