What if your ex tells u this?

@zenki08 (700)
Philippines
August 31, 2011 8:30am CST
I was texting my ex gf yesterday reminding her on our agreement. (it involves money), she told me if I could give her more time because she had to quit her job because of health reasons. I said ok no problem. Then she asked me if I had found someone else, I said no and the same goes with her. She began telling me how hard life became when we separated and that she still loved me and everything but she did not want me back coz she does not deserve me because of her current situation. I asked her, if she did love me, why did she not make an effort to contact me and reconcile, that I had to be the one to initiate communication. She said she was ashamed and did not want to bother me because she knew that it was her fault and also that she owed me money. I got back at saying, I never felt loved. she asked if I still loved her. I said yes, I did not want to lie. and that was that. Then this noon I received a txt from her telling me that "Do you love me? If you like let's live together". Now I was a bit surprised. I said why tell me this now. she said that her aunt was going to fetch her to go to there province. I replied and told her that I could not understand why the sudden decision, and that this was a big step for us. I do have doubts, because honestly I did not feel loved when we were together. she was only there when she needed something, she would not even talk to me or have little time for me. she was always in a hurry on dates, drop calls when were talking and a lot more things. This is why I ended the relationship. I gave her a lot of chances before but did see any change she then said that if I did not love her and believe her it was ok. I felt another emotional blackmail coming. I ended the talk saying that if she was serious we should talk this over personally and not on the phone. Now this is what I have inside, I do love her but the past events still lingers in my mind. I also said I needed to hold on to something that would prove her love for me. Not by this proposal that if I do not heed would result in loosing her. She was also the reason why I'm at a financial difficulty but I am on my way to recovery. If you were in my shoes what would you do? would you believe her would you give it a shot?
2 people like this
15 responses
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
31 Aug 11
I went through. I was like your girl in this problem of yours. But what I did was since I knew I was in the wrong. I first told the guy I was sorry. Second I told him I had to earn his respect and trust back over time. I wanted to be friends first to understand him better and let him understand me better before I moved back in with him. It took a while and it was not easy because I really did care for this person. I knew I hurt him really bad and his friends knew it too so I had to do it best way I knew that was good for me and him. We talked more during this time period too about our likes and dislikes of the relationship. yes, some things I did not knmow I was doing wrong he did not like and I assumed he did and vis versa with him with me. If I were you I would take my time with her and not rush into anything. Remeber you are just getting back on your feet finianclly. Can you afford to be back where you were when she left??? Just think and give yourself time to reflect. Yes, you may love her but what does she bring to the table to make you feel good about yourself.... Thanks and Good Luck. Keep us posted on how it goes. Sincerely Unique16
• United States
31 Aug 11
She seems to be acting a little fishy in my opinion. If she said she had to quit her job because of health reasons, she could be looking for a place to live and you seem to be the perfect option for her. I'm not saying it's bad to get back together, but you should give it some time before letting her come live with you. Talk to her about things first. If you still love each other then you could make things work. Tell her what she did that made you feel unloved and maybe she'll realize what she was doing. Take it slowly and if she seems like she's into having a relationship and not just using you, then go for it. But if she has a history of only coming to you when she needs something, then I would be very cautious and wouldn't recommend letting her live with you just yet.
@zenki08 (700)
• Philippines
31 Aug 11
Probably you are correct because she is now just renting a room and she is financially drained. I want to help but then again. I have second thoughts.
• United States
31 Aug 11
If you love her like you said you did, then I'm sure you want to help her. But it's not fair to you to get used like that and get your heart broken by her all over again. Don't let her do that to you because no relationship is worth that. It'll be hard since you love her still, but you have to be strong and know where to draw the line.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
31 Aug 11
There is no point of talking over things. She should be her natural self and should not be told what to do. If a woman truly love her bf she should not leave her bf doubting her actions. This lady only wants a relationship with benefits. Committing to a woman who is only taking advantage of her bf is only a living hell.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
1 Sep 11
zenki08, Why even contemplate on getting back together when there are so many questionable and unresolved issues? Before you decide to patch, you got to consider some things very carefully: if the management of your relationship is still going to persist as in previous times, erring in your perception of the opposite party and relationship, then you will probably break up somewhere later in the future - again! Coming back together is no magic - it's just a decision to return back to old s.h.i.t.. Returning 'home' on a later date doesn't mean that the old s.h.i.t.s are cleaned - unbeknownst to you, it's still there waiting for you to do something about it. Unless you are sure that your decided relationship had evolved through each human revolution, learned from the baptism of fire from this challenge and came out better - there is no point of returning - just because your emotions feel like it and has to be it, doesn't mean like it or has to be it. Take care and hope you will not hurt yourself again.
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
2 Sep 11
Ok, let me get this straight: 1. You did not feel love when you were around her before. 2. She told you how hard life got to be when you and her became separated. 3. She was only there when she needed something. 4. You felt emotional blackmail coming. 5. She got you in financial difficulty which you are coming out of (without her around). My question to you is, what is there to talk about? Do you realize you have not said one good thing about this girl or your relationship with her? What can you hope to get out of this but more heartache and financial ruin? I made the mistake of going back to my ex, thinking things would be better because he promised they would. Well guess what? I am still kicking myself for making such a foolish decision. Things only got worse. It may hurt you in the short run to completely cut her loose, but in the long run that is the best thing to do for yourself.
@junmae (1586)
• Philippines
1 Sep 11
Hello Zenki, as I was reading your post, i felt the pain from it. It is really hard to be in such situation where you are not secured from the feelings of your partner, I myself is always experiencing it from my partner. I never felt secure from him, that he only used me because I was the one who had a job and he needs financial help from me because his family did not support him. I also don't know why I am feeling this way. I think you should go and talk to her personally and don't discuss those issue via phone. It is better to see her and measure if you really trust her. The decision would still be from you because you are the one who knows her.
• Philippines
1 Sep 11
The red light is on. STOP zenki. She got you into a bind, now you're on your way to recovery. Yes, on your way, but not yet there. Watch out, you could slide down again, fast forward, oops, I mean, fast downward. She's a user, that's all she is. To make a relationship work, love has to be mutual. Now, careful, don't let your heart play with your head. Don't you jump from the fire to a hot frying pan.
@soulist (2985)
• United States
31 Aug 11
I would not give her another shot. If my ex boyrfriend told me all of this I would tell him no. There was a reason why you ended the relationship and simply living together I would think would just be a bad idea. Seems like she is trying to maniuplate you.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
31 Aug 11
OMG...you are in a very sticky situation. You are torn between love and doubts. And she is putting a drama to lure you back probably because of her debts with you. She is quite tricky and manipulative and if I were you, I will not make a second mistake to come back to her. She really don't deserve your love. Why then would you want to be with someone when you feel unloved? Don't be a love slave. They are many other girls out there who is worthy of your love.
@airasheila (5454)
• Philippines
31 Aug 11
Good day Zenki08, As you have discussed in your topic, for me, I will not let things happen again. If I will be at your situation, I will not go back again to the relationship since the one that we have had does not have any love at all. As they say, in order that relationship must grow, three basic elements should be present. These are LOVE, TRUST, UNDERSTANDING. Since, as you have said, you never felt to be loved. So at this point, one element is already missing and that is LOVE. Another thing, as time goes by, the element of TRUST is somehow starting to be omitted. As you have said, past events still lingers in your mind. That means, the element of trust is slowly diminishing. That you starts to feel a little bit worry. Although the third element is present which is UNDERSTANDING, still, this is not enough to be a basis that you are willing to love her again. Thus, if you cannot give in all of these three elements of relationship, no need to go back and start all over again. It is just better to accept what was happened. Perhaps, it is just best to stay friends since you still have an open communication.
@katrinapaz (2436)
• Philippines
31 Aug 11
just think of the roller coaster ride that you will face again if you will get back with your ex. i think that she is just using you to live comfortably and we do not know if she is really to be fetched by her aunt. dont let yourself be fooled twice.
@pahak627 (4558)
• Philippines
31 Aug 11
From your story, I guess you have to finally go away from her. Don't come near her. You might be tempted to accept her proposal. She's not fit to be your wife or whatever. Her story is unbelievable.
@Judy890 (1644)
• United States
31 Aug 11
Hello zenki08, Well let me say you did the right thing in ending the relationship with this gold digger woman, I understand you loved her but don't even.fall for her she seems a bit tricky.
31 Aug 11
I'm afraid I would be very wary of giving your relationship another shot by living together straight off. My bf was the opposite, and always wanted me around and never seemed to understand I have other commitments, but even he did get that relationships need to progress, rather than stay the same. I obviously don't know the exact nature of it all, but it sounds like your ex has used your past relationship to use you, and now, since she seems to be at a loss again financially, is back to use you again. I'd ask yourself whether your relationship with your ex is worth being put back into financial difficulty because it seems likely that that is what will happen again. I mean, it might be worth, if you really want to give your relationship another go, seeing whether your ex wants to try going slow, not living together or anything, just to see if there is anything other than her dependancy on using you. Ultimately, it's up to you, but I'd be cautious.
@RDotson (51)
• United States
1 Sep 11
I have been in a similar situation and I hate to tell you this but most people do not change. They may tell you things will be different and for a time they will be, but then they go right back to the way they were. I read one of the other posts here that stated "ROLLER COASTER," and believe me that is how it becomes. You yourself stated that you do not feel loved when you are with her, and no matter what you do, you can only change things about yourself and no one else. I went through a relationship similar to this, and hate to say I ended up marring the man. It was honestly the worst mistake I had ever made in my life. You begin to hate yourself because you can not find the reason of why "they" do not love you. It honestly is not worth it. I realize you care for her, but first you have to care for yourself and tell her the window of opportunity is no longer open; then wish her well, and move on with your own life.
@surfer222 (1714)
• Indonesia
31 Aug 11
No, i would not believe her. You said it your self that she only there if she need something. She got you into a financial trouble in the past and go away, now that you're about to recovery suddenly she want you back. It obvious that she need something for you and she know that you have a hard time to reject her because you love her, so she use you to gain some money. If i were you i will said that i cannot accept you because now i'm already with somebody else. then i'll say to her to stop calling me.