Someone That I Used to Love

Philippines
September 24, 2011 12:53am CST
some of you here already knew my story. And yes, until now I am still coping with the stress of the situation being with someone who doesn't even care of how I feel. What to do? We have children and no matter how other people try to convince me to leave him, I just couldn't. Not that I'm afraid to live a life without him but somehow it is not so easy to give up on what we have for the sake of our children. It is more fitting to say, that giving up on him, means giving up on my kids, too. So sad that someone I love so much and was hoping to spend the rest of my life with is someone I know will be a person that I'll used to love. Slowly, I am drifting and only him and God can make me change the the way I feel for him. Only if he proves that he is worthy of my love and faithfulness, but until then, I'll be just feeling numb and ignoring him so as not to get hurt even more...
1 person likes this
12 responses
• United States
24 Sep 11
It is truly sad that he doesn't love or care about you. If you are unhappy with him then you should do whatever will make you happy. Your children may not understand if they are young but they will understand when they get older. You have to make yourself happy. I know someone in a similar situation and their kids are pretty much grown. They are doing what makes them happy and I think that is the best thing to do. Everybody deserves to be happy. I hope you find your happiness.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Sep 11
Hello, HellsButcher. :-) Welcome to my discussion and thank you for being the first to comment. I realized that now, dear. Though I can't leave my children right now because they are still so young and there's nothing I can do to make my husband change his principles and attitudes toward life, marriage and relationship, I have to find a way to make things bearable for myself. I do not have to play the role of a martyr. I used to serve him meals on his pc table, cooking his meals , making coffee and taking care of practically everything. But now, I'm no longer doing it. If I'm tired, I'd say and show that I am tired and that I have no intention of doing things all by myself especially when he is just doing nothing but watching tv and tinkering the keyboards. I am loving myself a little more. And I am getting myself free from the bandage of having to feel pained from his insensitivity.
• United States
24 Sep 11
You're welcome. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better about yourself and I am really sorry that you have to deal with his ridiculously insensitive ways. You should really make him get off his butt and help you. He married you and he should get some pep in his step and be a man not a lazy bum. I can't stand people like that although there are quite a few, but no matter what happens just remember that you have your kids and they are most important. Don't let him drag you down. It's just not worth the pain. I hope I didn't offend you with anything I said about him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Sep 11
It has been over a couple of years that we are like this, he is like this. And no matter how I talk to him about this, he keeps on doing the same things over and over again , always giving his lame alibis for doing this and that. I am not letting him shape my life and me into something that I am not. I'm going out of my shell and will be getting a life of my own. Yup, you are right, my kids should be my top priority since it looks to me that he no longer needs me to make him one of my priorities ,too. Don't fret, dear. I am not offended. You are just voicing out your honest opinion about the situation and I do appreciate that a lot.
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
24 Sep 11
This not not the way to live sweetie. Somwhow swomewhere you need to get out of this. Believe me, you won't be able to cope much longer. No offense. Leave him, take your children and go to family or something. Just get out.
• Philippines
27 Sep 11
Hello, Saphy, dear. I missed you! That's what I'm thinking ,too, I need to get out of this situation quick before it finally gobbles me up whole. I know you mean well ,dear. I"m not offended. For the sake of my daughter's I will try to endure being with him (sometimes, he is being nice so I really do not have to suffer that much during those miraculous times) , but, all I want is to somehow live and get a life of my own. I'm so bored living a life like this with him that I so long for a human company, not just my kids, but, someone I can talk to, someone who'd make me feel I am loved and appreciated. Someone who'd take care of me because he wants to and not because he is obliged to do so because we are together. I'm hoping to get a job before this year ends and will try to figure out later how can I go back to school without sacrificing my role as a mother..If I can do that, then, it is the beginning of a new life for me. And I'm sure, I'll be very happy. Crossing my fingers for it now.
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
But if ever I will not meet that someone , still I'd be happy knowing that I am able to get through this kind of life. I only want to have a peaceful life with the people around me, a life not surrounded by lies and false hopes. Thank you, sweetie.
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
28 Sep 11
You will find that someone eventually sweetie. I wish you luck and do hope you get a job. Just to live again, the life that you want.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
24 Sep 11
hi dear! It is really sad to hear that he continues to show indifference towards you. It is understandable that you have your own limits. If he goes beyond those limits, you will start withdrawing yourself. Talk to him that you used to respect and love him and you still are his better half and his carelessness is hurting you deep down in your heart. Even if you feel that he might not 'listen' to you with intent, you must communicate your feelings to him. God willing, it might work. Give it a try, no harm in all trying. Don't feel disappointed that everything is gone and can not be retrieved. My best wishes are with you. :-)
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
29 Sep 11
Hi dear! I can understand your agony, when he promises something and does not deliver it. I agree with you that we just can not be happy by receiving material things. He should understand the seriousness of the married relationship and should act accordingly.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
29 Sep 11
How would you turn to a numb person and what would you do to care him less?
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
Hi, dear. I really do not know why this guy is so hard headed. Sometimes, he is nice but sometimes I think of him as evil. I really do not understand his ways and principles or he is just only too conceited and self centered that he doesn't know how to care really about other people's feelings. Unfortunately, his means of showing his love and care is through material things. I have tried talking to him and I don't know if he really understood because he said he did but then his actions are the exact opposite. I'm tired of that. If he won't change, no one can force him. Starting now, I won't let him affect me that much. If he wanted to do things that can hurt me, then, let him. I'll just find a way to feel numb and eventually not care anymore.
• United States
24 Sep 11
This is not an easy subject for me to discuss simply because I tried to live it. I finally decided and had to get out. I generally do not tell people/couples that they should split. The only thing I can tell you is that think about the number of years you have been dealing with this and add the same amount of years fast forward. Do you see yourself happier and or much more unhappier with the situation. Think about the years that have already past you by and how you will never get those years again, no matter how much you wish for them and or try. If you can assess all of this you may find what is right for you. We only have one life and do keep in mind that I completely understand that the children need the both of you. But do they really have the both of you when it is not both, it is you and then Dad. Staying in this type of situation, with time they will realize that this is happening and having daughter(s), will show her/them that this is common and she/they will be so accustomed to this type of living situation that they may also be involved with the same in the future. I do hope you do really think about the entire picture, in that picture there is a you who is sacrificing her life and someday your children will be grown and what about you.
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
You have pushed the very sensitive button in this situation, dear. You have spoken my fear for me. Yes, there are nights that I am awake thinking of what would I do when my kids have grown and have a life of their own that they can take care of. What about me? You have said all the possible sensible things in this situation. Actually, you are not the only one who just said it, a friend of mine also told me things in that same manner as you just did. Oh, I don't want my children to get accustomed to this kind of situation and worse have a life like this in the future. God forbids! I have wasted enough time and you are right, I can no longer take them back again. Ah, it is time for me to be tough and stronger than I should be.
• Philippines
29 Sep 11
I hope I can have the same courage that you had, dear..... I must admit that there was a time that I wanted to leave him but I ended up like bluffing him because I did not leave. How could I when I saw my daughter crying hysterically? It was the most painful thing for me to see. My situation is, I just can not leave him as easily as you have left your ex. My husband will definitely raise hell once we left him. And where on earth shall I go that he can not find us? It is going to be scandalous for his and my family. I'm not ready for it yet... It is not the question of how I'd be able to raise my kids because I know I can. Sigh... it is the question of 'if my husband will allow us to leave in peace and that he'll let us live our own life without him interfering with it'... You are a survivor, dear. I admire your courage so much...
• United States
28 Sep 11
I married way too young and although I gave it my 110% sadly, my ex-husband did not give an inch. I wanted it to work but I only wasted a good amount of my youthful years that I will never get back. I use to have a friend years ago who told me that no matter what anyone says and or advices that unless I was ready to let go it would not happen. She just said to me that if and when I was ready to let go that it could not be a bluff and or get back together back and forth kind of deal. She said if I did let go that I was 100% sure I did all I could and would never have regrets. Well I did just that unknowingly, but it was at the expense of too many wasted years. Good luck to you eureka - and know that I struggled big time with two kids on my own, both physically and financially as my ex never gave a dime. But I have two wonderful and respectful children that if I had to do it all over again, I would not have changed a thing.
• Philippines
24 Sep 11
hi eurekafemme, I understand your feelings but somehow I think it is better to call it quit though your kids need a father but he is just a father not a husband anymore in my own opinion relationship should be two way street you love him and he should love you back too,,,,,,,,,,,,but in your situation it seems you are just a nanny sorry for the term I hope one day you will realized that there is another new life for you without him for sure your kids will understand you someday. Hope to meet you happy mylotting
• Philippines
29 Sep 11
Hello, Honey... OK, I'll pm you my new number then via your FB account. Well, I can't post everything in my FB wall, can't I? Besides, we are friends there and we have so many common personal friends. With due respect, I am trying to lessen the emotional turmoil I am feeling towards my relationship with him through my posts. I really do not know what is going on kasi if you wil look at us, it seems that there's no big issue between us. But, I can not understand why he just keeps on lying to me about things and why for God's sakes he is just too slob and too lazy!!! Well, we have so many things to talk to once we finally have the chance to meet. Hopefully, it'll be soon.
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
I am looking forward to meet you too............just pm me your number To be honest I don't have much idea I just pick the pieces you've been through and assumed what is really happening at your side. How I wish one day you can share it fully and I can give some words to lessen the pain I am not married yet but I can understand the pain and misery you are going through. Friend we really don't need a man just to be happy your children is enough for you have a nice day! reach me through FB
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
24 Sep 11
Hi eureka, i can understand how difficult it is to even hope for a little change though we know that change is not going to happen in the immediate future. We love the kids as well and for their sake we still adjust with someone who have no feeling towards us. But for us this 'someone' matters most. In life we face lot of troubles and it is not always the same situations. Better we calm ourselves and move on to the next step. The more we think of it the more we feel sad/ upset.
• Philippines
26 Sep 11
Hi there. I totally agree with you that the more I think of our situation and how he is as a husband and a father, the more I see it as depressing and hopeless. So, I am leaving it all up to HIM. There's nothing I can do but to accept my present life for the sake of my kids. They are the ones that matter to me most. If things will ever change, I hope it is for the best of everybody. That's what I am crossing my fingers for.
• Philippines
27 Sep 11
You are one optimistic person, Viju. Thank you for sharing your kind thoughts with me here. Unfortunately, the kind of husband you have described above is exactly the husband that I have right now. It is no longer interesting to talk to him since we only end up arguing and it isn't healthy. About the kids, we also have arguments. What truly pisses me off is that he often thinks of himself rather than think of the children's welfare. Well, he can provide for them with their material needs and sometimes, he is giving them a little love but there are times that I hate him for doing things not because it favors the kids but because it favors HIM. I guess, I'll have to figure out how to deal with him in a subtle way, then. I'm keeping my hopes afloat.
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
26 Sep 11
Hi eureka, We hope for the best even in the 'not so good' conditions. Be with the kids and i am sure you are a loving and responsible person towards them. Some husbands don't understand the real value of their partner though the wives carry out their duties well. In my case we do have healthy arguments and difference of opinions on a lot of issues but when it comes to our children, I am happy, our decisions are joined and mutual. Be positive and take care.
@eshaan (6188)
• India
24 Sep 11
its good that you accept very early and don't hurt yourself still more...relationships like these are very hard to overcome..but yes...you can if u r determined....your kids are your responsibility and you should give priority to them....
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
Unfortunately for me, I met a man who would exactly do the opposite of what I have prayed for, someone who will love me and take care of me the way I am loving and taking care of him. Oh, dear, I can't tell you how difficult my situation is but yes, you are right, if I really want to make changes in my life, I have to do something about it. I got my kids and they are looking up to me, counting on me. They should be enough reasons for me to keep on searching for a better life and better me.
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
26 Sep 11
of course we think about the welfare and the feelings of the children. but we also have the right to be happy. i've been there and found my happiness.
• Philippines
29 Sep 11
Sigh... Good thing for you , Neil. I'm just starting to get there but I do not know how and where to start. Question that I'm starting to ask finally is that 'will I ever get there?' ... My children means the world to me and I love them greater than life itself... Sigh... sigh...
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
3 Oct 11
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I wish there was a way I could let you know that life would still go on even without the person-you-used-to-love. I know that the 'children' is a convenient excuse to stay. I know that you love your children so much that you don't want to deprive them of a complete family that's why you choose to stay. But I've personally seen the ill-effects of relationship that doesn't work anymore, to the mentality and personality of the children. I pray that you get what I also always pray for -strength and wisdom. That you may use this tools to break free from this relationship that continue to cause you pain.
• Philippines
24 Sep 11
I have been in the same situation that you are in. Maybe because you still want to preserved the solidarity of a family that is causing you to stay. Its your choice since nobody can tell you what and what you can't do. People can only listen and make suggestions but you know deep within you what you must do. I choose to walk out of a relationship that is killing me inside out and I can say I never regretted the choice that I made since I am freer and happier now. I did hold on just so that the family is whole but I realize it was me that is subjecting myself to being tortured everyday in thoughts, emotions, financially and I have lost trust and faith in Him so why stick on.
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
Hello, Starrose. You are very right. It is my life and no one can tell me what to do with it. A friend of mine also said something like that to me. My life is just a roller coaster of pains and distrust, yet, I'm still with the person who is causing my pains. There are really times that I thought I have already the strength to get out but over and over again, something would happened that made me decide otherwise. Unfortunately, I love this family so much and yes, deep inside me I am hoping and maybe expecting that this family can still function as a whole. But just like you, I'm beginning to feel burned out and this whole thing is eating me up whole. Ah, I've been through hell and I'm still trying to figure out how to come out of it... I'm so glad that you have made a decision you did not have to regret. I admire your courage. At least, I know through you, that I can still see the sun shining on me in the future.
@dlpierce (495)
• United States
26 Sep 11
I've lived in a situation much like yours and my kids are grown. I have wanted to leave many times. I refuse to let him make me miserable. And with age he does show me more respect now. But if I want to do something or go some wheres I do it. I'm my own person and if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave if he wants too. I have put just as much sweat and time into this home as he has. But it would be nice to share the love and affection we once knew. It does hurt when the spark is gone. Getting it back may or may not be worth the trouble.
• Philippines
29 Sep 11
Hello, dear. You are so lucky that you have gotten through the situation nd I am happy to hear your triumph over it. I think when people are aging and that they can not do much with their lives, they tend to be accepting what they have, even accepting the people in their lives even if they do not have something in common anymore. Sad that at your old age, you have seem to drifted away from him when you should be loving each other more... Yes, I do agree with you, it does hurt when the spark is gone.
• India
24 Sep 11
Even i don't know about your story,but i don't feel sad for you,because that's the life you have choosen.you will have some other ways to live happily,but you are not willing.one think i like in you is your confidence and faith.i heartly wish your life should be happy as you like.love for your kids.
• Philippines
28 Sep 11
Oh, I'm glad you don't pity me, dear. It is the least thing that I want to hear. Why am I exactly sharing this here is because I just want to hear someone's pushing me not to really get drowned by the whole drama of my life. I maybe playing the martyr right now and I maybe doing exactly the opposite of what other people have been telling me, but, I do realized that I have deeper reasons why I am still here and enduring the pains that I am enduring right now. That reason is the love for my family. I may sound silly and stupid but this is how I feel. One day, I'll be taking a different approach to my situation, maybe, when my kids have all grown, but until then, I'll just be the person that I am right now, in pain and lonely and miserable. Thank you for seeing that little goodness in me. At least, there is something I can start with when I'm ready to do so. Thanks.