Older woman younger man... my daughter told me this!
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
United States
October 31, 2011 11:18pm CST
Okay.. my daughter was telling me that there is a woman in the church who is in her late 50s or early 60s and she likes a man who is probably 15 to 20 years younger than she is. The woman was talking about how they connected and she was the one that made the first move. They knew each other.. the guy is also a member of the church... they sat together as friends a lot.. well now they are becoming an item. She is kind of the 'talk of the church' so to speak.. like it is shameful that a younger woman is a cougar and this younger man is with her.
My daughter was near her when she was talking about how she was the one to tell him that her feelings for him went beyond friendship. She said she wasn't wanting to jump his bones, so to speak.. but she had sweet thoughts of being held by him and having a romantic evening with candle light dinners and just sweet platonic relationship that could possibly blossom into a romantic serious relationship.
I'm kind of from the old school, and my mom always told me to never chase boys, to let the boys chase you. Well.. some boys are shy and if the girl doesn't tell the guy, he might not ever get the clue that she likes him....
So... my lotters... is is acceptable for a woman to let a man know that she likes him deeper than a friendship and that she would like to take their relationship to the next level? Would a guy be put off by that, or would he be flattered?
Your thoughts? I know this is the beginning of the second decade of the 2000s, so times are different. What are your thoughts? Would a guy enjoy being approached for a relationship, rather than he having to do all the work?
Please share. I would like to understand more about flirting, and how the roles have changed over the last 30 years. 
1 person likes this
10 responses
@snowhybiscuis (1882)
• Philippines
1 Nov 11
I am from old school too. But I guess there's a valid reason for a woman to express how she feels towards the guy. If she can say it in a manner that she would not look cheap and in a way that would tell the guy that she likes him but not to the extent that she would force herself to him, then maybe, that is quite acceptable. You see, in this generation, expression and communication is very essential. Chasing after a guy may not be totally acceptable if the guy would repulse her. But if there's mutual feeling, I guess that would make it right.
I don't actually know if my reply here is sensible. I would like to see too what others would say. You have a nice discussion here.
See you around.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
1 Nov 11
Hi Snow! I'm more of the old school too but I have a level of comfort with my man friend. I could probably tell him I like him but I would also tell him I couldn't do anything about it due to him being so young. I am about 20 years older than my friend so I would never cross that age boundary even if I was attracted.
@manleyjoe (1597)
• United States
1 Nov 11
I don't see that it would be wrong for the woman to let the man know how she felt about him.
@maximax8 (31042)
• United Kingdom
13 Nov 11
There can be double standards with age difference between a couple. If the man is 58 and the lady is 40 nobody is going to bat an eyelid. If the age difference is the other way around many people will be likely to disapprove. Well done to the lady finding a man she gets on so very well with. Perhaps they are soul mates or just a 100% excellent match. I think a sweet cuddle is pleasing to them. There is no harm in a candle lit meal. These days a lady can make the first move in making a friendship or beginning a relationship. Indeed some guys are shy and could do with such a lady that is willing to make that important first move. Age does not matter if a couple are in love or get on superbly.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
13 Nov 11
Yes. I think lots if men are rather shy. I think for some there is a double standard because it is what they have been taught all their lives. My parents taught me never to 'chase' a boy. Let the boy show interest in me. Maybe women will have to take more initiative to get the man she WANTS.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
10 Nov 11
It's my opinion that with the ease and number of divorces over the last few decades, a lot of men have grown up in single parent families with Mum and so they are clueless as to what their masculine role in society is ...they have not had a close relationship with their dad, you see.
It's probably also the reason why their parents were divorced in the first place...many men don't seem to have a clue as to the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood...females don't either going into a marriage but they have to learn really fast as they are the ones who are left "holding the baby".
In other words, if a female wants a relationship to progress and grow, she must take the reins. Even if this happens, many guys will then let the female be responsible for the relationship so she is giving her all and he is taking it and not giving anything back in return. End result: FAIL.
@Galena (9110)
•
2 Nov 11
ah, so what.
at both the age difference and the fact she made the first move.
if they love each other, it doesn't matter.
if it was an older man and a younger woman and he made the first move, I bet no one would care.
so what difference does it make?
if they love each other and are each happy with their roles in the relationship, then really, whats so noteworthy about this particular set up?
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
2 Nov 11
Hi Galena,
Logically, I know that.. but we, older women, are called cougars and grandmas and such... there is a double standard really. I like someone about 20 years younger than me, and I did take the plunge to tell him I liked him a lot more than just a friend... but that is as far as it will go. We live about 1000 miles apart, so seeing each other wouldn't be possible anyway... but women who are bold enough to go after what they want are really helping to change the perception.
You are right.. if it were the other way around, no one would bat an eye at it. I wouldn't pursue the person i like, because if we were seen together I would probably be taken for his mother. He is young enough to be my son. Yet we have a deep connection and can tell each other anything.
My friend is sort of polyamorous... he likes many women, but doesn't get intimately involved with them.
@ksherrie (891)
• Singapore
2 Nov 11
Personally, I don't think the "tradition" of the courtship has changed too much.
I know I am still the conservative kind, ignorance should be the right word. I do know a bit though about the so-called playing field.
There are still majority of the girls who prefer the guys to make the first move. The usual mindset is still around though it is lesser as time passes. Afterall, guys are really lazy.
The only difference is that girls can make the first move is they wanted to. There are minority of the guys who like girls who are straight-forward and bold. Girls are "allowed" to have their fun too in the relationship game, though I am not sure how I can explain this part.
Flirting is an open game to all, even just for fun, with no harm/punk intended of course.
No strings attached kind of relationship is also growing. Yes, though it is not obvious.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
10 Nov 11
A lot of guys are shy though and won't make the first move... sometimes it takes just the girl making first contact in just making conversation.. that might just make things easier for a more traditional role.
@SIMPLYD (90717)
• Philippines
2 Nov 11
Well, if i am in that situation and i am the woman, i wouldn't do that.
Because of our wide age gap, the man might think that i am so audacious to have the nerve of letting him know of her attraction and would make it as a laughing matter.
Hence, i would rather keep the attraction to myself and continue the friendship. If the man will pursue a deeper intention than friendship alone for me, then i would be happy that it came to be. If not, then i would just let it be.
But if i am younger and of same age level as him, well, i can also make some flirting, why not? It's the modern times now. 
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
7 Nov 11
I think the teachings of our parents causes us to have a low self image. Because there is a double standard... a woman fears to be laughed at, yet welcomes if a man approaches us. I am the same way...I really don't see anything wrong with it.. more power to the woman if she feels confident enough to do this.
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
2 Nov 11
I've been married a long time so have been out of the flirting loop for many years. I don't see anything wrong with an older woman dating a younger man if they are both happy. I also think it's very acceptable for a woman to show her feelings towards her friend and take it to another level. She will know soon enough if the friend is not interested. I do believe a man would be flattered to know how a female felt about him as long as she didn't try to strangle him and be controlling. When I was a teenager the girls really didn't chase the guys. It was considered to be forward and pushy. However times have changed, people have changed and being aggressive can be a positive thing.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
1 Nov 11
women's equality yes it is acceptable, we are not doormats that only the man is allowed to expression his thoughts or feelings
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
1 Nov 11
Yes we live in different time. I wonder what men think of a forward woman. Like she says I like you and I think about being with you. That seems so strange to me but I think I could do it if I wanted a man to know I think he is special. I have liked someone for a long time but he is almost half his age and I'd never go there because people would think I was his mother
@seriousnuts (508)
• Philippines
4 Nov 11
If I were in the woman's place, I would think twice. I'm not that bold to confess my love to a man, more so to a man years younger than my age. I am, just like you, from an old school. My mom would also always tell me to let the boys chase me and not the other way around. Although the times are changing now, yet, the community I live in hasn't changed much. I'm too concerned with how others would think if I were to pursue a younger man. Since I care about their thoughts, then any negative comments would definitely affect my relationship with a younger man. Also, in our culture, we don't address our elders/seniors in their first name. We would always use sister, brother, auntie, uncle, grandma, etc. to address the older people. The age gap would bring a LOT of awkwardness into this. If I were to be married to a man too young, how would I address my father-in-law or mother-in-law?
However, this opinion is only my personal preference. If others would like to pursue their love regardless of age, I would be happy for them and wish them good luck. It's just a matter of choice anyway. The woman in your post is in her 50s now, that would mean her guy is in his 30s. Both of them are already mature, so I think it would be fine. I wouldn't agree though if we were talking about a teenager or twenty something boy or even a girl with a partner a decade his/her senior.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
7 Nov 11
OMG ,,yes life have changed a lot....I think these day a male can
truly be flattered when approached by a beautiful/or ugly woman...He
may not be so happy with the ugly woman but believe me he will think
later what he said/did to make any woman approach him...I thinkd its \
fashionably accepted...politcally correct as they say...GO FOR IT LADIES
if not you may always be a bridesmaid and never a bride...GO FOR IT....
