My Shadow

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My cat Shadow recently passed just this November 7th. He was my pet for 10 years and he was not just a pet...he was a good friend, a family,a familiar, a companion and a playmate. My heart is deeply broken for what had happened and I felt that I was part responsible for his death. My cat's balls grew big and he recently had this very small wound on it maybe caused by going to the cabinet were my kids toys are and he might have scratched himself with the toys there. I recently realized that he was itching on that wound and bites it. Then recently I noticed it grew bigger and it has some flesh showing. I don't know any vets near our place and I have no cage or transportation like a car since my car is broken so I can't bring him anywhere far. On the morning of Nov. 7th I saw two vets two rides away from where we live...I thought I'll bring him there the next day perhaps because I have 16 hours job that night and I needed to get enough sleep to power up. I have made him a place to sleep below my computer desk and while I was working that night something splashed at my feet...and to my horrible surprise it was my cats wound his flesh came out of it and a lot of blood where coming out. He scattered blood everywhere in the house because he won't stay still. It was like somebody was massacred in our house due to too much blood he was omitting. He even vomited a dark liquid with rice...seems like he was having internal bleeding already. When we got him to the vet he was so weak. The vet put him to sleep and he checked him up and explained the situation to me. He said he needed to put a catheter inside the cat. He said it would cost me 5,000 pesos for the operation but it is not an assured operation. The reason is because he is fully infected in his balls. When he wakes up the vet said that he might try to take off the catheter. The amount shocked me as I have not that much money on me. However, it pains me to see him suffer. The thought of him pulling out that catheter and just infecting himself more occurred to me. All the time the doctor was explaining this my heart was breaking. The doctor asked me one other option...because as I said he wasn't assured the operation will work out well. He wanted to just euthanize the cat to end his suffering...I hesitated a bit but when I saw that flesh outside his balls. I was really worried when he wakes up he might not make it and if he does he'll just take off what's covering that wound and it might end up worse...whoever would live with a flesh hanging out from his body...I didn't want him to suffer...as much as it was tearing me up inside I decided to agree with euthanizing the cat...He was asleep so he didn't fell a thing...I cried so hard...while the doctor was injecting him to put him to his final rest... we had to leave him there too because we don't have a place to bury him and all I can do was shed tears and kiss my cat goodbye and call him by his name and rub his neck and chin one last time...It is so sad. I felt a piece of me died..the day he passed it has been 3 days and everyday I cry for him. I felt that I paid for someone to kill him. I am so confused. I am so torn up inside with him gone. He was the only one who stayed by my side when times get rough and rubs his body on my legs and hands..Now he's gone I look for him in every corner of the house. I see the blood stains that was left that has not been rubbed off the table and It saddens me..Did I do the right thing? This is what I always ask myself. I have a lot of what ifs in my mind if I didn't go with the euthanize.. I am broken.. What would you have done in my situation? Until now it is tearing me up so badly when I am not occupied my mind drifts of to him and I break down into tears.. I miss my Shadow..wherever he is I do hope he understand what I did and forgive me for making that decision...I wish he's in a better place now and I do hope to see, feel and touch him once more in another life..