How would you feel if your boyfriend told you he would NEVER meet your family?

@shaggin (64835)
United States
November 15, 2011 7:58pm CST
So my mother told me that although she knows my boyfriend does not like kids and I dont want men around my kids that my boyfriend is welcome to come with me to Christmas dinner if I want him to. I told him and he didnt react very well lol. I told him that I told my mom how I probably couldnt even pay him to get him to come and how I really wouldnt want him there around my kids or anything. He said he doesnt get along with his own family and doesnt need another and that he will never come to family dinners or anything like that. Kind of hurts when you hear someone you love say something like that. I mean personally I dont want to go to his family dinners either but if he really wanted me to I would for him because I love him. But hearing his words I know that if I ever did decide I wanted him to come to a family dinner he would probably break up with me or something.
2 people like this
20 responses
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I'm sorry hun but I can see trouble already. He is not open minded enough to know that not all "families" are bad. Not all families have problems, not all families are dysfunctional. Just because he and his family don't get along does not mean others are the same way, in fact they are not! He needs to open his mind and I think he already knows this he just doesn't want to go with you to see your family. This is a problem right off. If he is not willing to do things with you just because it would make you happy then you have a problem! If he is not willing to talk about this and change this in himself for you and himself then he does not truly love you. You may have to come to the realization that you are in love with him and he is not with you. I'm sorry hun and I don't want to hurt you. But loving someone is not enough for a relationship. You know this as you have has one before, the father of your children. You learned a lot from that one. I'd say that you weight the pros and cons of your relationship with him and the fact that you already don't wish to have him around your children speaks volumes. I would not waste my precious and valuable time with someone that I was not going to be able to spend my life with or that my children did not have the luxury of enjoying the benefit of his company. He could be playing with them in the yard. Taking them to the lake for swimming lessons and boat rides. Or taking them skating. He could be playing ball with them or going on camping trips with the family. These are the reasons to have a guys around for the family. Just to name a few and there are so many many more. Even if you do have to watch him a lot around your children, they need the male contact and to enjoy the good contact of a male companion. I know it's hard sometimes to get truly comfortable with a man around your children but you never know if he is the one if he is not given that chance. My husband is pure gold with my children and would never ever hurt them. In his eyes they are his children, but they are not. They are from my first marriage. But he did more for them in our first year than their sperm donor ever did. My husband has been their dad now for just over 20 years. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary last week and a better man I could not have found. A better father and dad I could not have found. I would not have known this if I had not given him the chance. But honey the guy you are with seriously has his priorities messed up when it comes to a family and if you don't want him around your children then you have trust issues with him. You need to do some soul searching where he is concerned. Good luck dear. I hope you find what you want and get where you want to be. Hugs...
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Nov 11
I know what you mean and I know about their father. That is a hard thing to lose ones father at sure a young age. I feel for them. I do hope that you have other men for them to spend time in their lives with them though like grandfather and uncles. They just need good male role models in their lives. Then when you find the right man for you they can have a dad in their lives. I do applaud you for what you are doing though by not bringing the guys you date into their lives. What you said about loving him left me to think he might be in your life for years to come and that being said he may need to be with the children too but you are the only one to know that.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
18 Nov 11
My husband wasnt a good role model for my kids while he was alive and unfortunately their grandfathers and uncles and everyone really doesnt seem them except for family parties and things like that. Its pretty much just me and my kids all the time. I dont let that worry me though I have seen lots of single parent families grow up and the kids turn out great.
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
Trust me lol he would not get along with my family but if I really wanted him to be around them say once a year he should be willing to do that if he really loved me. I dont want a man that involved in my childrens lives... not that I'm worried they will wind up being pedophiles or anything its just that men come in and out of our lives and our children are forever. I dont want my kids getting attached to any other men and then me and the guy splitting and the kids missing yet another person after they already lost their father who will never be coming back where he is.
@cont3ss4 (70)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
Kind of strange. If he really liked you he would at least respect your side of the Family by at least greeting/meeting them face to face once a year. I know you love your boyfriend, but do you think he will be a good influence on your kids and their characteristics in the future? He might not get along with your children and that may pose as a problem if you decide to take things into a more serious level.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
There really is no way anything will ever change as this is how our relationship is. He comes over when he can at night after my kids go to sleep and I go to his house when I can at night after my kids go to sleep. He doesnt see them and I dont see this ever changing. Most couples eventually move in together but I dont see that ever happening. I dont even know if I see a future with him. I just take it one day at a time.
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
It works for us for the most part. Because of how busy he is and exhausted after work he usually can only come see me once a week and I'm lucky if I can go see him at his apartment once a week or sometimes even once a month. He starts being mean if we dont get to see each other much acting like its my fault. I have kids that are constantly getting sick and I have responsibilities as much as I would like to be with him every night I cant. Seeing him as much as I do is all I can do.
@sid556 (30962)
• United States
16 Nov 11
That really isn't such a horrible set up...just different. I actually dated a guy off and on for years with that same exact set up. at times we'd decide to date others mainly because he wanted a live-in relationship and I did not...still don't. We got along great and never argued even when things ended. We are still great friends. I think if both are ok with the relationship being like that then it could work forever. I know married couples who have divorced and then they start dating again but keeping their separate places and decided to keep it that way because it works better for them.
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 11
I can only say I understand your bf and his situation. Mine been like that for years. If you have bad memories about your family/celebrations it's hard to get over it. So my ex and I decided we both would not force eachother to join if we don't feel too. It's useless to sit there, celebrate while one of you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. I also do think it's hard to force someone to feel happy, esp. someone you love. Times changed for me. I am still not such a social type. I love to be alone and celebrate in my own way. My own way made celebrations way easier and less complicated and I see my kids enjoy this way too. So we have new habits/styles etc. It's not said your friend will never come over with you. I think it's not important to break your brais about how it will be in the future if... Be happy he is so honest with you to tell you how he feels about it, to share these painfull memories and feelings. Don't let a family dinner now or in the future come in between it. It's not worth it. You just go, enjoy it and know he feels fine about it and save to do it his way.
@345042441 (130)
• China
16 Nov 11
It makes me think that he is not serious with you. Even though he might be uncomfortable with it he should go for you, just like what you said, you might go for him because you love him. He should do the same thing in the name of love, but unfortunately he doesnt. Shouldnt you tell him your feelings about it? Everything should be in the sun in order to make your relationship work out.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
3 Jan 12
No he was obviously not serious enough about me. He didnt love me enough. He just broke up with me yesterday on the first day of the new year. He told me the truth finally about why I never have and never will meet his parents. He said because his parents have such high expectations of him that they would throw a fit if they knew he was dating someone who has 2 kids and they would give him the third degree about it for the rest of his life. My answer to that is that if you love someone it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about them but apparently hes a mommas boy.
@curmont (343)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I am having a difficult time understanding why this man is even your boyfriend. Before the issue of family dinners even came up the situation with the kids should have been a deal breaker. How did you see your future working out with him not liking kids and him not being around your kids. This does not seem like you would ever be able to be a family. So if you had already accepted a future with him with no sense of family between you already being determined why are you surprised or hurt that he does not want to share family time with the rest of your family as well. I think that if this hurt you as it seems it obviously has you may want to consider if this is the type of relationship you really want to be in because I don't see things turning out the way you seem to want them to.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
Its just like he doesnt love me enough to put up with my family for a few hours. Thats a pretty big difference between being in my childrens lives you know what I mean. The whole time we dated or were seeing each other whatever the deal was I dont want him around my kids he doesnt want to be around them either. I dont feel he is dating me and my kids he is dating me so there is no reason for him to need to be in my kids lives. But if shoe were on the other foot and he really wanted me to go to a family function with him I would even if I didnt really want to just because I feel thats what you do when you love someone.
@Tina30219 (80489)
• Onaway, Michigan
16 Nov 11
I get what you are saying and you are so right if he loved you enough he would put up with your family for a couple hours. My husband was the first man I have been with that a child and I love his son dearly he was always included in everything that went on in my family activities. At this time maybe you are right he does not need to be in your kids lives but eventually if things get serious between you guys he will have to meet the kids.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5649)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
No offense, but i think both of you have issues. Both of you need to resolve this issue, help each other. Families are important. And if both of you ever want to marry, you have to keep it in mind that you will have your own family in the future. I don't understand why you are even together if you can't handle a little family get together, which is kind of inevitable in the future after you two get married. If you are serious about each other, both of you have to go to great lengths, even bear situations that you particularly don't like. Sorry, but i hope I helped even a little. If my boyfriend would never want to meet my family, I would be sad. Because family is important to me. Just because you are married doesn't mean that you will not get together with your family anymore. I would think my BF isn't serious about me. And if he breaks up for such a small thing, then i'm glad i would be rid of him. This is my personal view on the matter. It's really all up to you.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30191)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
I would most probably feel dismayed at his reaction, he is so straightforward about it, which can be a good thing because he never lets you expect anything more from him. I am surprised your mother even was kind enough to have him invited at your place. I am wondering though how come you do not want him near your kids? Your kids are yours and they are a part of you - if he wants and loves you and wants to be with you he should be able to accept that you do have kids and that he is bound to encounter them one way or another, except of course if you allow your kids separated from you. Like you have said, even if i do not want to, i would have gone to meet his parents/family if i was in the case, even if i am not used to big families, etc.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30962)
• United States
16 Nov 11
Hi Shaggin, I think that what is bothering you is just maybe the way he said it...NEVER? I mean I never want to get married again but I would want someone to love me enough to even if we didn't. It would hurt to hear the words. As for the kids, when I dated, my kids would meet them but after the last bad experience(youngest daughter's dad), I would not want another man involved in raising my kids. I do think you should talk to him about this and your feelings. Breaking up with you for wanting him to come to a family dinner sounds a bit harsh. Are you sure you are reading him right?
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I didnt so much as say well what if I did want you to come to dinner would you break up with me hypothetically speaking... I am worried about what he would say so I havent asked. I just assume because I know him so well what would happen. I feel that way to as you do I NEVER want to get married again either and I'm pretty set in that but I love him enough that if he really wanted me to even though I dont want to I would just to make him happy.
@julianmac (396)
• Malaysia
16 Nov 11
Hi shaggin, I think you are dating a guy who has commitment issues. He is probably commitment phobic and that could be the reason why he can't get along with his own family, not to mention yours. I would never want to attend my partner's family dinner even for the sake of love. I have done that before and till today I hate myself for it. I would never again place myself in such a vulnerable situation. Just maybe your boyfriend had experienced something similar too.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
That very well could be. I try to think of it like that maybe hes been through things and doesnt want that to happen again. Maybe hes the type who would break up with me because he couldnt stand my family. I dont know. It just hurts a little to hear his words.
@Tina30219 (80489)
• Onaway, Michigan
16 Nov 11
If my boyfriend ever did this to me I would know it is time give that man that man the boot. I mean come on eventually the boyfriend has to meet the family and eventually the kids. I would not be with a man that did not like kids and he knew you had kids. I am so sorry to hear he is doing this to you.
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@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I dont really see the need for him to ever meet my kids or my family. We really are only involved with each other not each others families if that makes sense. I do feel sometimes though that he doesnt love me enough. He was in love with this one girl and the first thing he did was introduce her to his parents. But with me hes like they smother people they dont need to know my business and blah blah. I would be nervous meeting his parents anyway so I'm not pushing the issue but at the same time it would be nice if he wanted me to meet his parents just how he did with the girl before me.
• United States
16 Nov 11
First of all, it's kind of strange that you don't want him around your kids. Is he a pedophile or something? I can understand him not wanting to be around your parents and extended family, but it's really strange that he isn't even interested in your kids, whether he likes them or not. They're a big part of you (hoping that you're a good mother who would do anything for them). He should accept that. Secondly, he just sounds really odd. It's almost like he doesn't want anything to do with anyone around you. Like one of those high school relationships where no one can know that you're together. I am in no way saying this is how it is, though. Just saying how it seems from those few paragraphs. My last train of thought about this is that if you ever did reach the point to where you wanted him to come to a family dinner, and you think he's the kind of person who would end a relationship because of that, why are you even with him? I understand you love him and all, but love isn't always everything. There are other important factors to consider when being in a relationship with someone. Maybe you should evaluate it, because if someone loved you, they would put up with your family for an hour or two.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Nov 11
That makes me feel bad, actually :( I can understand your reasoning better now, for being attached to him. From what you've just said, it does appear that he is making progress, just very slow progress. Maybe he'll eventually be comfortable around your family and even grow to love kids. I really hope it works out for you and that you can have love for years to come.
1 person likes this
@Rosa26 (2618)
• United States
16 Nov 11
When I was single I used to pray to the Lord for the man that I wanted, I said Lord I want a man that love you first then my son and family and then me, because I can't deal with a man that doesn't get alone with my son, or family or don't believe in God I know I wouldn't be happy, so I think you have to have a conversation with yourself and ask you if that is the kind of man that you want with you.
1 person likes this
@bb_gabs (205)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
Sad to hear that your boyfriend is acting that way, but to understand him, maybe you could ask him about his reason not going to your family dinner because he dont get along with his family. Maybe you could ask him why he could not get along with his family? Maybe he have a reason why, and on that, you can explain to him that your family is different from his and if he really loves you, he will love the people whom are very special to you. if he can't love them, then I think you need to break up with him, for he don't love you.
@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I know somewhat why he doesnt get along with his family and really he probably would not get along with my family as well. I would be embarrassed to have him around my family lol. Yeah he was pretty blunt how he said it and thats probably why it made it hurt like it did. But I'm blunt to so I know how it is. He has heard about my family from me and lol he doesnt want to meet them anymore then I want him to but still if I decided I really did want him to come I think that he should just put up with it for the sake of our love.
• United States
16 Nov 11
Well I'm going to tell it if it were my girlfriend; If my girlfriend didn't want to meet my family, i would be so upset and I probably wouldn't be with her for long because my family is really all I got. I depend on them for so much and I'm in their company all the time so if she can't meet them or get along with them, she's got to go and that's the way it is! A girl can't make you happy if she isn't happy with who you are (because your family is one strong relation of you)! On to the next one!
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@shaggin (64835)
• United States
16 Nov 11
I do not get along all that great with my family. I put up with them as best as I can and try to get along with them. So my family really is no reflection of me. I am nothing like them. I am the black sheep and I'm happy to not be like them lol. I hope you never have to feel the way this makes me feel from what was said to me by my boyfriend.
@ebuscat (5936)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
For me yes that's not a good sine to your boyfriend he is not friendly how much more when you are together you feel bad no communication at all.
@markphil (285)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
Perhaps he is still not prepared to meet your family. You have to understand him also that he might some problems that he could not meet your family. You have to talk to your boyfriend and ask his reason.
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
Hmm.. very strange my dear friend, that's a red flag on your part and family, your mother has a hunch feeling that your boyfriend is not serious on you and not very interested to know your know or some instances, all guys are very different or just not really ready to meet your parents anyway!. What you would do is try to talk to him, about your feeling.so he will know that your hurt when you been totally ignored by him..
@SIMPLYD (90840)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
If i would be told like that by my husband or my partner, i would be hurt indeed. Maybe if he has already experienced having dinner with my family for even once and didn't like it, then i will not insist anymore. But if it will be for the first time, i think i will insist that he comes for him to feel how it is.
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@gaea23 (252)
• Philippines
16 Nov 11
If my boyfriend will not going to meet my family, I will be upset. If he loves me then what hinders him of meeting my own family. If he's not ready yet, what is the big deal, if you are not going to marry me in the future, at least the time we are having relationship, he should have the respect of meeting them, anyway they will not hurt them, because my family is harmless.
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@boyuancy (1708)
• India
16 Nov 11
I am really sorry to say this shaggin but I either think your bf isn't serious or extremely shy. Or maybe he is ust introverted and reserved and does not like meeting people. No one can say more that you do coz you're the one who knows him. So decide for yourself.
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