Controlling Parents??

United States
December 9, 2011 7:46pm CST
Ok, so I need to vent and to get an outsiders input on this one. Currently my boyfriend is 31 and living with his parents who literally control pretty much everything in his life. Here's a back story... he didn't always live there, in fact he has only been there this time for I think about a year. The reason he lives there is because he is a recovering alcoholic and is working on putting his life back together. Since becoming sober hes upheld a job and has climbed his way up in that job in only a matter of months hes been there. Hes been sober for almost 9 months. I've been dating him for almost 3. Anyways he goes to his AA meeting every morning at 7 then goes to work and waits a couple hours to get clocked in, when he gets off work he calls his parents to let him know he is on his way home. He doesn't have a key to the house at all and he signs all of his checks to them. They ask for $450.00 a month so he can sleep on the floor in a craft room.. not on a bed (which there is a bed that is not occupied in the house) and not his own room. He isn't even allowed to do laundry there since he accidentally left something in his pocket the last time he did laundry there. They never let me see him after work. Like never. The only time they 'let' me see him is on Mondays when I drive him around to deal with court stuff (he was homeless for a couple years while being an alcoholic and accumulated some charges). A couple Mondays ago I accidentally got him home 5 minutes after 9 pm when he was supposed to be home.. so this last Monday he told his dad he would make it before 9. I got him there 2 minutes til and his dad goes "I said before 9, not minutes before night". And now, even though they SAID I could come over on a Friday or Saturday night, they haven't yet agreed to it.. and this time his dads excuse is "not til you learn to be on time, she cant come over". They haven't even TRIED getting to know me. Ive tried setting up a dinner or something and his Dad and Mom turn it down. My boyfriend is such a good guy. I don't know what he was like before he was sober, but now?? Hes responsible, accountable, has similar values, treats me right. But we never get any time together.. we get in the morning before he gets clocked into work.. so like 3 days a week we get roughly 3 hours... but.. its just so hard not to be able to see him whenever. His 17 year old step sister has more freedom then he does. She goes to party's, gets drunk, gets home whenever at night, even on a school night. And yet they just are so hard on him. They haven't even acknowledged him for being sober this long, they just keep criticizing him for the dumbest things. Like last monday in between his court stuff we went to the Santa Monica Pier. When his parents asked what he did that day he told them all he court stuff he was supposed to do and did. A couple days later they go on my fb, see the album I put of like 4 or 5 pics of us at the pier and they accused him of 'omitting the truth and lying because he didn't mention it earlier. And now apparently I'm a bad influence because he didn't tell them about the pier. This is getting so ridiculous. I love him, I want to pursue a relationship with them but with his parents treating him like a 16 year old that's grounded for life, its so hard! And he feels trapped because he has no access to his money.. they claim they are helping him save but wont give him an ATM card to his own account. He doesn't have a key, doesnt have any freedom.. and it seems like the more he and I become a solidified couple, the more they are trying more and more to get in between us. The funny thing is my Mom really likes him, so does my sister. But his parents dont seem to get it. UGhh. Any thoughts?
2 people like this
4 responses
• United States
10 Dec 11
Even if his parents have his ATM card all he has to do is go to his bank & say he lost his card & they will issue him a new one. Depending on how much money he has in his bank he needs to move out on his on & get his own apartment. He is 31 years old & it's way passed time he stood up to his parents. You say that he's been sober for 9 months & goes to all his meetings, good then he is on the right track to a new start in life. No matter what he did in the past he is now starting over so he shouldn't be punished over & over for past mistakes. Eventually if this continues it will only depress him & might push in back into drinking. So in order to avoid going backward instead of forward he needs to move out immediately!!
1 person likes this
@MandaLee (3756)
• United States
10 Dec 11
Dear Phoenix1344, Congratulations to your boyfriend on being sober. What an important and lifechanging accomplishment. His parents may not realize that it is essential to his recovery process that they loosen up, give him more freedom and independence and learn to trust him again. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted.
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
10 Dec 11
Wow, that is a tough situation. It's true that you don't know how bad he was before he was sober, but I would imagine he went through some really rough spots for his parents to treat him that way. However, not even letting him sleep on a bed? That's a little much! Maybe if he didn't sign his checks over to them, he'd have some money to go out on his own. But you've only been together 3 months, so there is probably a lot you don't know about his past. It is good that you are sticking by him and my only advice is to just keep standing by him and respect his parents wishes. If his parents see you are taking their rules and guidelines seriously, they may trust you more and end up inviting you into their life. Right now they may think you are just going to go away, that is maybe why they are treating you cold. I think it will just take time - if you are willing to wait! Are you able to chat with him and talk with him when you can't see him? You can still build a relationship with a lot of talking and then eventually you will have time together :) Good luck!
• Philippines
10 Dec 11
I wonder if it is the court's order that makes him compel to sign all of his checks in favor of his parents. If this is so, it means he has no money of his own that he can access at anytime. This must be a safeguard put in place so as to make sure he won't be back to his drinking spree days. It seems to be working for him right, though. I say this because, you mentioned that he has not been drinking for 9 months now. I wonder if you could ask the judge to meet him outside of court so you can talk about the situation of your boyfriend. That way, you will be able to fully understand and know as to what will be the best thing to do in order to be of full help to your boyfriend. Good luck and may this thought have helped you in any way at all.