Lose weight and i'll marry you!

@samd87 (327)
January 16, 2012 2:01pm CST
I have a lovely friend, who is quite overweight, she's had a hard time with love the last few years, getting cheated on and just generally getting with the wrong people. Last year she got together with a man she had known for a little while, turned out he had liked her for so long but she had just never noticed him. Anyway they are really happy together, they quite quickly got engaged and are now planning the wedding. I found out that before they got engaged they talked about it for ages, and both decided on it together, then she told me that when they talked about it, her partner said that before he would agree to marry her, she had to lose weight! Now she has been wanting to lose weight for a long time but she hasn't really had anything to do it for, so she would start a diet and then quickly give up. The way she sees it is that now she has to lose weight or there wont be a wedding so that will keep her going. I couldn't believe this, I think he should do everything he can to support her and help her lose weight, but saying lose weight or i wont marry you, I think this is so wrong! At the end of the day, she was a big girl when he fell in love with her and he accepted her this way. If this happened to me I would seriously doubt if my partner was physically attracted to me. What do you guys think?
9 people like this
39 responses
@Reyachan (589)
• Romania
16 Jan 12
Hello, samd87! I agree with you on one thing : if the guy loved her like this from the beginning, it shouldn't matter or be an issue now. On the other hand, maybe he knows how much she herself wants to loose weight and it's his way of helping by giving this small....incentive. Ever thought of that? :) Maybe it wasn't like : loose weight or i dump you/not marry you , but look, we'll get married when you loose some weight as in : the wedding is a moment of a lifetime and you should feel good in your own skin for that moment. And if that is not a good enough reason for her to start doing something about her problem, i don't know what could be! What i'm trying to say is that some people help us not by direct actions, but by feeding us not what we want to hear but what needs to be said in order to motivate us into doing the right thing. Maybe it was your girlfriend who first complained to her about her condition and he doesn't know how else to help but trying to ambition her. Because in these kind of problem, without personal resolve, you get nowhere! It's not enough to have someone next to you to nag you about how much or what you eat, or about doing your exercises. You have to want it yourself and put your best into it. I'm not saying this is the case with your friend, I'm just saying it's a hypothesis and they should talk about this openly. On the other hand, if what's making her try her best to loose weight is the thought of loosing him...well then maybe it's what she needs to succeed. May be a cruel way of looking at things but in the end health is important and overweight is an issue not necessarily of esthetic condition but of health. Such people have heart problems, are susceptible to a lot more diseases and have a hard time in getting pregnant. Good luck to your friend and i wish her the best.
2 people like this
@Reyachan (589)
• Romania
17 Jan 12
Well the fact that they have a wedding day set i think should be an indication the guy is actual serious about marrying her. But you know, when ambitioning a person, there has to be a deadline. You can't just say : ok, do that and this will happen. For the method to work it has to be : do this until that day otherwise... I don't think her or her fiancee would just pay up for a wedding that won't happen. I think their seriously going to get married no matter her condition in the end. But if this gets her motivated enough to fit into a slimmer white gown, even better :) Tell her to be brave, pick up the pace and make sure she lets him know about her resolve and the fact she's not inclined to pay for a wedding that will not happen so if he wants to split...to do it before that happens. Let us know of the outcome and tell her to be brave. I'm sure things will work out if she uses the proper approach. Good luck!
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
Good point, and i think that would be fine if it was a case of we'll get married when you have lost weight, but the date for the wedding is set and it doesn't give her much time at all to get down to the weight she wants to be. So it actually is a case of lose the weight by then or canceled wedding.
2 people like this
@marty3888 (2355)
• Acme, Michigan
16 Jan 12
Definitly. I mean it sounds weird because she does want to lose weight. But the problem with what he says is, what if she loses weight, they get married they're happy and six mkonths later she gains it back. Is he going to treat her bad? Is he going to not take her anywhere with him? Is there going to be a problem with their love life because he is all of a sudden not attracted to her and maybe even cheat on her? Also, there have been many cases where a couple were very happy, the guyt seemed real nice and they get married and she finds out he is very controling. Him saying that opens up all these possibilities. I really think these two need to hold off any wedding for awhile.
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
Yea I think they are going very fast, they were together a week and they had moved in together, it was about two month and they were engaged. I have noticed a controlling side to him, for example when she is at work and it is her day off, she has to go and meet him on his breaks and if she isn't there to meet him her phones her up needing to know where she is.
2 people like this
@marty3888 (2355)
• Acme, Michigan
16 Jan 12
Wow! That sounds like trouble there. Like I said, If he does that now, he'll do it worse once they're married. She needs to stay away.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
16 Jan 12
I don't think it was fair for him to do what he did in that way, he maybe should help her but not blacmail her so to speak, I knew a girl years ago that was over weight and she was married then she went on a diet and lost a lot of weight but her personality changed so much they ended up getting a divorce so maybe be he should love her the way she is but help just a little to lose just a little weight.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
16 Jan 12
if they guy REALLY loves her, her weight shouldnt matter. i would be saying, 'see ya later' i am afraid. the personality is what should shine through and attract others.
2 people like this
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
I certainly would not be very happy if my partner said that to me.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
16 Jan 12
First off, after reading the other replies, I have to say....If she is only losing the weight because he told her 'or else', then there are very good odds that she will regain the weight. Then what? He will want a divorce? She needs to wake up and smell the coffee!! Unless or until, she changes eating habits, exercise, and mainly...wants to lose the weight for HERSELF.....she'll either have a hard time losing it, or will gain it back! Been there done that. At the beginning of Jan 2004, I weighed a lil over 300 lbs (I'm 5'3"), and then I made the decision to get in better shape. I have lost the equivalent of a whole person!! I am down to 150, 1/2 my former me!! and have kept it that way for the past 8 years! But, I did it for ME! not because some jerk said do it or else! I really hope your friend rethinks this whole marriage! Unless she likes being controlled! and that will come to mean every aspect of her life, where she goes, how she dresses, who her friends are.....Hope she stops and thinks!! good luck
2 people like this
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
Wow well done to you for keeping all that weight off! Your right she should be doing it for herself not her man.
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (59260)
• Sterling, Virginia
16 Jan 12
There was a man on the Steve Wliko show that said the same thing to his girl friend and went behind her back and slept with a skinny girl. I'm not sure if the same thing would happen to your friend I would hope not. I do agree with you she should lose weight for her to marry this guy and the guy should even prose that to her either. If he truly lives her then it wouldnt matter till she is ready to lose the weight. That to me isn't supporting her but helping her tear the person on the inside and the imagin of herself.
2 people like this
@ShyBear88 (59260)
• Sterling, Virginia
17 Jan 12
I think your right. She probably is blinded by love. I hope he doesn't ask her to change things about herself to please himself.
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
Yes thats how i feel too, but my friend doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong. Maybe she is just blinded by love.
1 person likes this
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
16 Jan 12
I would be running away from this creep.
1 person likes this
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
tell me about it. I would run too.
@shaggin (71573)
• United States
17 Jan 12
Wow how terrible for her that she is going to marry a guy like that. Ok so then she marries him and gains the weight back whats he going to do divorce her ugh. If she really wants to lose weight them I'm glad this is giving her the incentive but I think its a really rotten way for a man to act. If you love someone you love them no matter how big or small they are you. If you want to marry someone it is because you truly love them... if someone wants you to change how you are in order to marry you then its not real love and there shouldnt be a marriage. I really hope she wakes up to what is going on before she marries this guy.
1 person likes this
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
Yea your right I think it's great if it works for her and she loses the weight because she is very large and has been told by doctors to lose some or it will start to affect her health, but I think it is so wrong for him to say this to her.
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
17 Jan 12
That is horrible! if he truly love her he would not be telling such deals..or in fact he would marry her and help her get through loosing weight or much better love her for who she is!
1 person likes this
• Valdosta, Georgia
16 Jan 12
I think that is horrible. Your poor friend. =( I wish she would find someone that REALLY loves her because what she has now is not it. The guy should be ashamed of himself. He should accept and love her the way she is...
1 person likes this
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
17 Jan 12
Oh samd, I totally agree with you...Thats is so wrong on all accounts.. I don't get it...If he honesly fell in love with her then why would he try to change her...really I think partners who give those type of alternatives are not being real...I would say to him' WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET"....don't really like it ,,,then keep it moving... No one deserves that kind of treatment...How is she suppose to lose weight under that kind of stress...and she should want to lose weight for herself not for some other jackazz... She should lose the weight and tell Mr. Thin Man to take a walk...LOL...
1 person likes this
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
Lol I love this 'Mr Thin Man' He himself is actually a thin man, a very very thin man.
@vt689586 (584)
• India
16 Jan 12
i think its just rubbish to say your lover that loss your weight after then i will marry you.if you are in love with that in the same condition then how can you say that this sentence.let us suppose she loosed her weight just to marry you.what happened if she will put some more weight again? physical attraction is not every thing .if you are connected with your partner just because she is beautiful then you are cheating with that girl. you have to be connected by souls.understanding between you and your partner must be good.that are requirement to marry with anyone. not that physical attraction.this physique is changes by time to time but our thinking remains same in whole life. so never concentrate on physique that all.
17 Jan 12
That guy is a loser he not a gentlemen at all how would he fill if that is his daughter
1 person likes this
@Kotarei (141)
• United States
16 Jan 12
I think if he really cared for her the way he said he did he wouldnt be like lose weight or i wont do this with you. He should be accepting of her just the way she is if he truly likes her for who she is.
1 person likes this
@samd87 (327)
16 Jan 12
Yea thats how i think too.
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
17 Jan 12
Wow. Just wow. If this guy is already putting conditions on their relationship and they haven't gotten married yet, this is a VERY bad sign. I too have a very over wieght friend (she is almost 300 pounds). She too thought that she would never find love but last year it happened. She met a man that was so sweet to her and treats her like gold. The are married now and happily in love. I think that your friend needs to open her eyes and realize that it is obvious that this guy doesn't love her for who she is and that he obviously isn't the one for her. I just don't want your friend to make the mistake of settling because she might think that she can't do better, and I know that you don't want that either. I am sad that this guy says he loves her when it is obvious that he does not. If he truly did love her, he would love her for who she is and not put conditions on their marriage. I think that this guy should be ashamed of himself. And I don't blame you one bit for not liking this guy or for thinking that your friend is making a mistake. If she had made the choice for herself because she wanted to fit into a wedding dress that she really liked, that would be different, but since it was him who came up with the idea, I really think it is a mistake. NO ONE should make you change who you are.
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
I think thats exactly what it is for her, she thinks she cant do better, as every time someone shows an interest in her in that kind of way she seems to fall for them instantly. And its always the seem, they go out for a couple of weeks then move in together then get engaged all within a few weeks and every time she gets her heart broke. Its such a shame because she is such a great person!
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
17 Jan 12
You know friend real love is not on what we see outside our appearance will be real from our heart and love the person just as she/he is and don't give any condition where there is no love in that situation... If the person loves you so much just let him to love just what you are not who you are? Never mind if you are over weight, ugly and everything if he loves you, he loves with no condition at all that's it, my friend... If he set a condition with you to love you more don't believe it because if he really loves you. He don't set anything to make you hard...
• United States
28 Jan 12
I agree with you. That what a person is on the inside is what is truly important. So many people focus on the exterior. It is a sad thing. Because in the end if you have an attractive with a bad attitude or ugly personality they aren't going to be happy.
@rolento (227)
• Spain
18 Jan 12
if the guy in question has told this to your friend, then let me put in doubt this love, because when you love someone, the shape does not matter ( it would be very different that it was because this overweight was dangerous for her health)
@samd87 (327)
18 Jan 12
Yes I agree with you.
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
17 Jan 12
I think the guy is on the losing end. The girl can easily lose weight but can gain twice as much as soon as she had babies.
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
Thats what makes me laugh, he wants her so desperately to lose weight yet they aren't using any contraception and would love for her to get pregnant. So he wants her to lose weight get pregnant and be thin for a wedding all in a year. lol
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
17 Jan 12
Yeah like you mentioned he fell in love with her at the weight she is. So he shouldn't be telling her to lose weight or he won't marry her. That just isn't right. She should talk with him about how she feels. That he needs to be willing to marry her whether or not she loses weight. After all that will put stress on the relationship her knowing that he won't marry her unless she loses weight. He should be encouraging not giving her an ultimatium. I hope that things work out for your friend.
• United States
28 Jan 12
I'm sure she is. It is people like her, who have such a big heart who do all they can to please someone else that they don't think about themselves. Hopefully soon she will see that for herself. And that she will be able to enjoy so many things in life, and hopefully meet a nice wonderful person.
@samd87 (327)
17 Jan 12
Thanks Dominique, I hope all works out for her too she is a great friend.
• United States
18 Jan 12
I hate to say this, but I really feel that he doesn’t love this girl enough to marry her. What I am going to say is going to sound kind of crude, but think about it. It could be he was with her for convenience, but to wake up to her for the rest of their lives, looks like he’s not attracted to her enough to marry her. Looks like she was good enough to bed, but not good enough to marry without losing weight. I wouldn’t marry him at all after that! If I am not good enough as I am, then he will never get the opportunity to be with me if and when I lose weight and become a knockout! Think about it! She is the SAME person, fat or thin. It’s shallow to demand that she lose weight or he won’t marry her. He never loved her to begin with, that’s my take. I think she loves him more than he loves her… a lot more. The last thing I want to say is… if she wants to lose weight… I hope she does it for herself and no one else. She will not succeed unless she does it for herself.
@samd87 (327)
18 Jan 12
Thanks for your response, That is exactly the way I see it, Just a shame she cant see it the way others do.