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How to fall out of love with your ex so you can love your husband?
By CFstats
@CFstats (82)
January 20, 2012 9:32pm CST
Hi, I would like some Christians to please help me out here. I had to break up with my ex-boyfriend even though I still loved him because he was not husband material. He was nowhere near ready to marry and I couldn't wait 40 years for him. He was also an alcholic and addicted to drugs. That was over 2 or 3 years ago. I met and married a wonderful Godly man who loves me and who has a steady job and I am now in a stable home with everything I need. We have been married for almost 9 months now. I really want our marriage to last. However, I am struggling with thoughts of my ex-boyfriend. I still love him and I can't seem to stop the thoughts from coming into my mind even though I have not been with him for over 2 or 3 years now. My heart aches for him because I want him to be happy. Also, I feel married during the day, but at night I don't because my husband is not affectionate while sleeping. He won't touch me and doesn't want me to touch him. I'm used to cuddling as close as possible and he won't have it. He sleeps with his own blanket and a pillow separating us! I might as well be sleeping in a different bed! My ex-boyfriend liked to massage me and was good at it. My husband does not like to and is not good at it. I don't know if I should be comparing like this, but how can I help it? I feel my husband is depriving me of my needs. I have already talked to him about this, and he knows how I feel, but he says he gets hot and it's just the way he is. I have been praying to God about this and reading good Christian books about marriage. But I still can't seem to stop my mind from thinking of my ex. I would very much appreciate some Godly advice from Christians who can help me with this situation. Thank you.
7 responses
@cruride (66)
• United States
22 Jan 12
It is definately easier said then done. In fact, I am in a bit of the same situation. I don't have a husband, but I have a boyfriend. My ex cheated on me 8 years ago, but he still remains in my life through varies things: mutual friends, lives at my sister's apartment, etc. I think it is a matter of constantly reminding yourself of the pain you endured. On the other hand, you also dont want to be in a marriage where your not entirely happy. There is a difference bertween excepting flaws and not beign happy.
@CFstats (82)
•
25 Jan 12
I am happy in my marriage. I believe I married the right man and I believe it was God's will that I married him. He does have flaws, and I realize there is no one in this world that is perfect. I also do think of the bad things that my ex did. I forgave him for all of it, but it doesn't mean it was OK to do them. My ex has a sweet wonderful heart with really good intentions, but that just isn't enough. I still love my ex and probably always will. But I need to force myself not to think of him as often and think more of my husband. Also, I know that I don't want to be without my husband! I really do want to stay with him for the rest of our lives! Thank you for your comments! :)
@mselin (77)
• India
22 Jan 12
Your situation is not very rare. Very often due to some genuine reasons we may have to break up with someone whom we love. Yet we cannot take out that love we felt for him easily. It would be easier if you put more effort into making yourself acknowledge the fact that past is past you will not get it back.
And talk to your husband that you need him to be slightly different. Make a compromise, cuddling at least twice a week for you and sleeping separately rest of the week.
Let us hope he starts to like your ways and you to like his ways.
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
22 Jan 12
I went through the same type of situation. I did not know if I wanted to be with my ex or my husband. My husband went to another state to see his dad for a visit. My ex was there to comfort me (we all lived together) and I cried and cried the whole time he was gone. My ex being there didnt make me feel any better because I wanted my husband back.
Having my ex there didn't matter, I wanted and missed my husband so much. When you have to live without your husband for just a little while I think you would realize how much you really do love and want him...You dont know what you have until its gone, so true!!
After my husband got back I never wanted my ex like that again.
@sumatix (257)
• United Arab Emirates
21 Jan 12
To fall out of your ex memories you will have to create new memories with your husband.Try to accept him the way he is because he is your husband not your ex so stop expecting things your ex use to do from your husband. Try to love your husband for the things he does good to you that makes you happy rather than thinking of the time you spent with your ex. Gradually you will learn to admire what he does.No two person are alike dear.
@CFstats (82)
•
22 Jan 12
Thank you for your comments! I have and will continue to create new memories with my husband. I'm trying to accept him the way he is; I'm trying very hard. There are a lot of things he does that are weird to me, but I do realize he is my husband and I do need to keep trying to remember all the good things he is. I know that I cannot change him or expect him to be like my ex; only God can change him and I won't try to change him. I can try to teach him things, but only God can change him. I know that no two persons are alike. I will pray that I will learn to admire him more and more. Thank you again for your comments.
@angelako (280)
• Italy
21 Jan 12
Its a hard thing to do because sometimes our heart cannot be dictated.But I think the first thing you have to do is dont think about him.spend more time with your husband,keep all your attention to him.Also accept on yourself that you are already committed,he is not worth ro be love.I am into same experience actually but I recover from it.when you already experienced in love,iots not as the same as when you are teens that you feel like dying without your first love.Love can be teached sometimes.We only have to work more on it.
@CFstats (82)
•
22 Jan 12
"Don't think about him" is easy to say, but hard not to do! That's exactly why I'm seeking help. I spend more time with my husband than most women do because he works extremely close to home, within walking distance and comes home for lunch and sometimes is done working by lunch time. Which is wonderful! I love his job for that! I am completely committed to him, and that is why I married him. I knew going into this that this would be for life, and I still know it. I have no intentions on ending the marriage and I will never mention the "D" word!! I also knew going into this marriage that marriage takes a lot of work.
@saurabhreigns (175)
• India
21 Jan 12
Though i am not a christian but i believe that you should stop trying to forget about your past relationship because every time you try to "not to remember him" u actually magnify your problem.
So in my opinion you should just start a fresh and try to think more about your present so as to make your future bright.;)
all the best.
Hope it will help you.
bye.tc
@mensab (4200)
• Philippines
21 Jan 12
you are into a difficult situation. your marriage is for convenience. many marriages are like that. but to proceed with such marriage in happiness, there is a need to accept your situation. and that is you are married to a good man. from time to time, understandably, your thoughts may wander to the past, but get through it and face the present situation. i know and believe you can do it, with the grace of God.
@CFstats (82)
•
22 Jan 12
Thank you for your comment and belief that I can do it! I do accept my situation and know that he is a good man. My thoughts have lately been coming everyday, not just from time to time and I know that I need to stop them from coming so often, but it's very hard and I'm seeking help to find out how to do it. Thank you.
